For the Love of Art and Basketball

Firstly, 'The Promise' sucked. I was quite disappointed with it because there really was no coherent storyline. They definitely spent their 35 million on costumes and set and all that digital animation/editing. At times like these, I want to ask the directors, 'what were you thinking?? Can you not see that the foundations of the story suck and that no matter how much you dress it up, it'll still be a piece of junk?'. But I don't regret watching it.
Btw, anyone up to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Miami Vice with me? I really want to see both: the latter because Colin Farrell is in it. He's so hot!...... just kidding :P. I want to see it because Gong Li is in it. I'm not a Colin Farrell fan. I personally think that Gong Li is better looking than Cecilia- and that's partially because she's already 40 and still looks like a 20 something year old. I'm sound really shallow- this is the shallow side of me. Now onto other things.
I've noticed through watching the Suns vs Mavericks game with Tania and Andrew (ha and I told you they'd win!) and the movie 'The Promise' that my brain is 'wired' completely opposite to Tania, Andrew and Jeff. I really did not have a clue what to appreciate when I was watching those end of the season clips save the passes which I found very slick but I can't fully understand the greatness of a player who dunks on a guy.... personally I wouldn't find it that embarrassing. I don't know. And throughout the game I had no idea what was going on- everything was just too fast and only replays really helped. Oh yeah, and slow-mo. Hhahaha. Even Jeff noticed that when he first came into the living room by saying 'you look so clueless, Sam'. Hahaha... Am I really that easy to read?
What I noticed and liked that I saw while we were watching was when they did the court cuts, was the way they changed the NBA logo into a white scribble gesture drawing rather than the solid logo that we always see. :P Now did you notice that? I thought it was an interesting twist to the typical icon. And yet it surprises me that Andrew cannot fully appreciate the artistry of the card. It is in my nature to then pick apart the entire piece of work by explaining where I got every idea etc but I know it just goes over people's heads and I feel silly for getting so into it. That's why I love taking progress photos of my work to show its development from beginning to end. The final piece of work is important but the journey and the history behind it is equally as important. I love telling people about my stuff but get so intimately attached to it that I get nervous over their thoughts and feelings about it and just am not articulate enough to get my points across. Then again all I sought to achieve was to make it look aesthetically pleasing- which is subjective anyhow. When people ask me whether or not 'that' is artistic, I don't know how to answer because that in itself is subjective. Personally I thought 'Hero' was more artistically pleasing than 'The Promise' (it had some moments and cool ideas like the fans and the throne and the whole revolving gold screens).
Does anything take your breath away? Then that in itself is artistic beauty. If you respond positively to the aesthetics of something, then to me that's 'artistic' or whatever.
However good design is another issue which can be seen with an objective point of view. For one thing the Viva bus ticket screen is way too low for anyone to see. Plus with the sun bouncing off the white pavement makes it hard for people to see with the glare/reflection. That's bad design. You want things at an eyelevel with the majority of the people and I know for a fact that most of us aren't 4 feet tall. I had to bend down and twist my body sideways to order my ticket.
Anyway in the end, I think it all goes back to experiences. Because I've never really played basketball and have not immersed myself in the rules and plays and whatnot, I don't really know what it feels like to make a basket- that satisfaction behind dunking on another person. And they have not really experienced the journey from simple stick figures to elaborate, realistic drawings of nudes to be able to fully appreciate my love and awareness of beauty and artistic abilities. They do not fully understand what it takes to create a concept and the many methods of giving an idea a physical form in order. As my drawing fundamentals teacher said, do what everybody else is not doing. Create concepts that are your own because no one can think exactly like you. It's so true especially in this world of art and design where devotees follow every trend there is out there. Cool is only cool when there is limited access.
Anyway I guess we can all learn from each other and be able to enjoy the uniqueness of each person. I personally was enjoying not only the game but the enthusiasm of the viewers themselves and how they analyze things though I had no clue what they were saying. It was fun.

For the Love of Blog

Puahha... Coby is the darlingest little kid I have ever met. Robyn told me the following story:
So elaine was playing 'Open the Eyes of my Heart' in the car one day and didnt think the kids were really listening.. so the song got to the part where it repeats "open the eyes of my heart, Lord" over and over... and then out of nowhere coby screams and says, "i already DID!!!"
Psycho kid. haha.


Today I got to spend the afternoon with my dear friend the Concert Master, Lois Chung and Tania down at Loiser's new apartment at Yonge and Finch- very nice. Hahaha.. We went to eat then went to chill at her house by watching 'She's the Man'. I must admit it was pretty funny for an Amanda Bynes movie. And then Lois and I kicked Tania's butt in pool (lies!)- she did teach me how to get the balls in. hahaha.. and I got THREE OF THEM DOWN IN A ROW! Genius! Hahaha.. Lois cheated our way to win the second round. Oh Lois. Then we proceeded to go out for bubble tea at this really pretty restaurant/ bubble tea cafe.
I took the Viva home with Tania and decided to keep the New Yorker me in shape by walking home. It was so freaking hot outside. Yuck. It was only 15 minutes but I took a shower as soon as I got back. And them my dad was the 'cook' of the day and made us all bbq steaks and shrimp. It was so yummy.


Boys seem to stare as if they've never seen a pair of female legs before yet they're all over the billboards and magazines and tv shows. What is with their endless fascination?


Yesterday I read someone's blog which examined the reasons for people who blog. He wrote that some people blog to guilt trip others and some blog to tell people something indirectly and some people blog for attention and some (supposedly like him) blog for personal reasons and hopefully connect with others.
I blog for several reasons. Honestly, I blog for attention (only partially though). I can't lie. I like it that you're reading this right now. Hahaha. See, I'm also truthful. But that's how I get people to see deeper than what they see in person. No, it's not because I have some kind of facade to show but I don't find it natural to just reveal one's self at any given moment. This blog is a record of my self-talk (haha guess where I got that from) and my self reflection and was also written for someone to read (hence the reason I publish in the first place). But really I don't think any of the church people would have gotten any closer or deeper with me if it wasn't for this blog. Sad I know, but it's true. Yet what can you do with kids who are always moving/changing/living from one place to the next?
But I also use this blog to 'guilt trip' people. When I'm angry or sad, repulsed or furious, I know that I can't really argue or yell at specific people because I'm really irrational in those times. So by recording my thoughts on 'paper' I can figure out all the issues before I say something I'd regret later on. For me 'Anatomy of an Artist' is to find faults in others but also to find weaknesses in myself (haha I have found so many).
It's also a place for me to write different ideas, theories and issues down that I may not necessarily be able to say in person but can write down quite well. I have issues with remembering and regurgitating things so writing gives me the time I need to think things over and edit.
But I want to connect with people- and I think that's the fundamental reason for Anatomy of An Artist's existence. I want you to know me beyond the everyday; that Sam is a person who cares for things beyond appearances and all the wishy washy things we speak of every time. And hopefully through my efforts, be able to touch something within you and create deeper friendships. If all these things cannot be said in person, well then I'd rather do them over here. Some may say that it is sad that this generation of kids cannot talk one on one so this is my way of working around that. I strongly believe that if it wasn't for this site, I would not have had some of these friendships in the first place. Or at least as developed as they have come to be. If you ever came up to me and discussed these things, I would be more than happy to but conversations like these don't usually just come out of nowhere at any random occasion. So why wait when I can write them all down here? The past few weeks, a million thoughts have been flying through my head and I have to write them down because I keep forgetting.
I've come to love this blog very much because I can always go back into my archives and read into my past entries and remember the me when I was 17 back in UHS. It is literally like my diary- a journal (doesnt that sound more 'masculine' or gender neutral. Hahaha.. 'diary' has its feminine connotations. Funny).
You know what- I think I ultimately write for some human connection with others- the attention is much more of a side note thing. Do not be misled to think that the reason for my blog is for needy purposes.
Anyway, I'd like to write the maximum number of entries possible and print them all out for record. That'll kill a forest right there. Haha. I remember reading about this new book that just came out- a group of four girls passed around notebooks recording their experiences with guys, drugs, alcohol, sex etc and created a book. Why can't I do that with my blog? Oh yeah, because my experiences are not exactly the most exciting and are more reflective than adventurous in that sense. I'm not your average teenager, that's for sure.

BORED

Oh the Cleverness of Me!
My lovely closet that I arranged nicely with my mannequin heads, boxes and a close-up picture of random bottles of beads lined up in a row. I aim to clean my actual living space i.e. my bedroom now.


Childhood
Yesterday we were speaking about friends and Angie was telling me about the different places in Ontario that she had moved from and to. We both are jealous of Roz, Robyn and Pearl because they've grown up with each other and all those who still have their childhood friends. It must be nice to tell others that you've known so-and-so for nine years- that you met in gr 2. Those are the friends that must be held close and cherished for they have lasted for so many years.


Attention to Useless Details
Lois, Tania and I were having lunch and for some reason we were talking about Tuesday's lunch with Mr Cho and I was able to recall what Lois wore (bright blue shirt, hair curled in the front with bright blue jewelry), Kitty (pink skirt with gold ballet flats), and Tania (apple green polo with white hoodie from Old Navy) while they had already forgotten. Haha. Attention to detail. :P









Experimentation
On my own spare time I've been experimenting with other mediums and expressions of art including scrapbooking (this one was done several Christmases ago commemorating the Raps Crew ice skating party at Nathan Philip Square), and photography. Blogger is being stupid and won't let me stick more pictures up at the moment.


Vanity
I was reading an article on the dangers of tanning where these girls were saying that though skin cancer ran in the family, they still love to lie outside. Then there was this other celebrity who said she knew that she'd get skin cancer but she loves turning walnut-brown. She figures that science would come up with a solution 50 years from now. Stupid woman. My mom told me that they once did a survey asking if people would rather have one less of a limb for a trim waistline/ figure and they all said yes!! Oh geez. One person said they'd give up their eyesight for a good figure. I mean an arm for being skinny? Haha if you think about it, if someone gave up their leg for a trim waistline, they'd end up fat anyway because they wouldn't be able to walk. Hehehe. I think these people need to get their brains checked.

Nightmare

A few nights ago I dreamt that I was in RHCBC sitting in the sanctuary waiting for service to start when all of a sudden, people told me I was on worship team and was leading. For some reason I went up and was forced to sing acapella and it was horrible. And then my mom woke me up.
I think some of my fears surfaced that night.


I also dreamt one night that I smoked and felt contaminated. I felt impure and then I woke up relieved happy that I didn't succumb to peer pressure.

Past Two Days// Male Egos//The Art of Dressing Modestly// The Non-Existent 'Ideal Guy' List

All great quotes are those simple truths that one may have subconsciously known all along but when realized into words; touches, stirs and awakens something deep down within us and acknowledges both the plainness and complexities of life.
Something I just thought of as I drifted to sleep last night.

So much has happened in the past two days. Firstly 16 chinese kids went to Pickle Barrel with Mr Cho and hung out. Haha I realized there were 5 Western kids, 4 Waterloosers, 1 Queens, 1 U of T and I forgot the rest. Hahaha. I enjoy being different from everyone in a way from all the accounting, engineering and math. I guess I always have liked being different in that sense but feel that I sometimes have to defend it. All the uni kids here have their housing stuff pretty much down pat in a way because they all live in 'university towns' whereas new york is just a mush of everyone and finding an apartment was hard because they don't tailor to students and I'm pretty much up against everyone else who is interested.

At night I met up with the UN crew and we decided that being 19 and having the rite of passage to be able to legally buy alcohol, we decided to go to a lounge- something chill, classy, but relatively inexpensive. After a lot of procrastination we decided on Buda- a so-called lounge at Queen Street west. When we got there we hung around outside and decided we weren't even going to drink and were too tired for that sort of thing so we ended up going to the restaurant next door called Peter Pan. LOL. Talk about never growing up. We're a bunch of old ladies: we wanted to go home early, not dance but just sit and talk. Yeah so we finally got to the charming patio when Buda decided to turn into some club and started blasting beat music. It was so annoying. And then SUV limos started pulling up and disco school buses. As for us, we got vanilla creme brulee with rosemary, cold apple fennel soup, some salad and a jamoca almond cheesecake. Yeah. HAHAHA. Oh yeah and Vanessa got a Peter Pantini which consisted of pineapple juice, melon liquer and vodka. First sip was fine and then it tasted gross personally. Anyway, we then decided to walk around and found a nice shop to go to the next time we go downtown. When we were walking back there was a guy who stopped Soph who was next to me and told her how 'fine' she was and all this stuff and ended up saying we all were before he left. I was on the phone with my dad and wanted to tell him to leave her alone and Vanessa told him that he had left his friend behind. Well when he left, Vanessa and Julia were said they were kind of afraid to say something in case he was provoked and whipped some weapon out or something. It annoys me that a female cannot say something against a male when he makes sick annoying remarks. Does it hurt the masculine pride? No woman wants to be oggled it. Only a weak woman would enjoy those dirty remarks for they settle for little. If you rebuke a man for violating you with his eyes, can you not say something? But we fear the violence and the false strength they have. This is ridiculous. On the way home there were whistles and guys saying 'I'd like a piece of that' yet none of us were skantily dressed save Soph and her halter top. I take it men dislike retaliation when it wounds and hurts their ego? So they try to make it up in physical strength. Sad.

The church says for women to dress modestly. I really don't know what that means. Can you put a finger to it save the obvious- like midriff-baring shirts (yet I see girls at retreats wearing bikinis)? So what is modesty and where is this 'fine line'? Yes I understand that men are more 'visual'. You see, I don't mind dressing modestly but now I feel self conscious and am always plagued by the fear of being thought of as 'improper' deemed by people in the congregation and whatnot. Yet it's hot. I don't know what you're supposed to do. Keep yourself covered? When we went to the lounge, to detract unwanted attention, I had jeans on and a wrap sweater with a shirt underneath but it was so warm inside and outside. How much leg is too much leg, how low is too low etc etc. I for one, like to experiment with things and have been trying to dress how I want to without compromising anything but I always feel that I've crossed the line somehow. I now am too afraid to wear shorts unless I'm at the cottage with my UN crew or playing tennis or in some REALLY HOT country that requires minimum clothing- you see my intentions are not to dress slutty or to lure men but to dabble in different things and to dress what I perceive as nice. Being young allows that sort of experimentation. I think in the end all I really wanted to say is is that I want to dress nicely without being judged yet cannot draw the line between modest and immodest.

I've always wondered why I have so few male friends. And I think my answer to that is I've always had a dislike for the male ego. Those who are talented/ good looking and know it are extremely cocky. In retaliation, I just ignore them. And it kind of goes for some of the church guys too. A certain someone was mentioned today- though he is talented and great at whatever- he's apparently rude towards females. And I don't want to deal with any of that no matter how charming a person is and no matter how much of a ladies' man he is. If they can be rude because they think they're some 'chick magnet' (haha tania), then I can be rude back. Not a Christiany thing? Being sweet about it won't solve things either. If John Eldredge said his son should punch a bully if he ever gets shoved, then why must I be all sweet about it all? I've never really opened myself up to any guys because 1) they'll take it as a joke (because I know they secretly fear the complexities of the feminine mind/heart) so why bother getting hurt when I can turn to my female friends? 2) they're not mature enough.

I've noticed when I do make male friends, that they are the ones who usually initiate the conversations in the beginning- those who are friendly enough to approach me. Then I know they're not seeking to look cool or 'all that' or keeping up with pretences. Lemuel is a really nice kid who talks to me randomly and I know he and Sarah get along well. Nick is also a really nice guy to be around with though I forgot his name the last time he started a conversation with me (sorry). I know I'm very wary about guys unlike many girls who have a vast network of male friends. I just feel more comfortable with my own friends- PMS and all. And I am always afraid of falling and I'd rather just avoid it all- all the messiness of male relationships. Am I suffering from a loss? I would say partially because I know male friendships are rather different from female ones but I'm quite content with my friendships and am desperate for male egos anyway. There are too many and I've seen quite enough.

And I guess that leads me to the next thing. The reason why I think I will not be getting a boyfriend soon. I believe that first I must right with God- that my heart seeks Him first and then that special someone. And yet I feel as if I'm never 'right with God'- that I'm always looking out for myself and placing Him as a secondary priority. Today's sermon sucked. It talked about 'having a balanced life' and setting your priorities straight and blah blah- all the things most of us know and have been drilled into our heads. I feel as if they're doing too many 'wake up call sermons'. They're killing me. I don't think it's a balanced life we need but a harmonious life. A life that does not balance the church, friends, family etc but a God centered life where the spiritual affects each component of your life. A balanced life just means that you're juggling a very disparate assortment of aspects from family to friends to church to God to school to work to daily chores whereas what we really need is a network- a universe-like lifestyle where God comes into every part of our activities.

Anyway I also ended up going to the Slinger's softball practice and I feel a little sunburned. Oh well the sun was shining and there was a really nice breeze. I just wish more than anything that I brought my dad's Nikon camera to take some motion shots of the players. I can't zoom in with my Pentax and fear for my life (or my eye.. hahaha) if I ever get hit with the softball. I was also very impressed with that guy who took pictures last year. Since I've been dabbling in a lot of still life photography, I think it'll be a greater challenge to work with motion. So next time I shall do that. Haha.

No matter what people say, looks matter. I was surprised to hear from some of the girls today that they wanted someone who was toned and had abs etc etc. Actually I found that quite amusing. When asked, I really had no 'list of ideal male characteristics' save that he must be Christian, be passionate about life/what he does because I'm attracted to an intense love for something (positive that is) and I forgot what the last thing was. I'm not very concerned about musical talents or whether or not he's smart because I find most people are smart in their own way just like I am. hahaha.. I suck at math (or so I believe.. I think I'm just a slow learner compared to many Asians :P) and could have done good in sci. Everyone is talented in their own things so it's hard to compare. All I know is that I probably can't be paired up with another artist because then it'll get too emo. Also a guy who has prettier than me (yes there are males with fine, delicate features ex. that japanese guy at our school who is dating that korean girl).

Yeah so that's what's been in my head the past two days. I have more to say but just can't recall the moment.

Gladiator// My Journey as an Artist (and it has been a long one indeed)

What we do in life, echoes in eternity -Maximus from 'Gladiator'


(Commodus) Have I missed the battle?
(Marcus Aurelius) You have missed the war.

After reading that book I decided to watch one of my favourite movies since he kept mentioning it. Yes it's a more 'testosterone' movie nevertheless it was an amazing movie that bowled me over when I first saw it when my dad rented it and I thought: Why didn't I see this in the movies??? My favourite scenes: the first battle against the barbarians in Germania. It's the most amazing battle ever because it's so hyped and the music fits amazingly well with the action that takes place. The second scene I love is the one that was mentioned in the book- the fight that takes place in the coliseum where Maximus calls upon his fellow gladiators and asks who had served in the army and they came up with this quick plan to defeat the legionaires. When I told my mom, she was quite surprised that it wasn't some other more peaceful scene. I must admit the soundtrack really did make the movie and the set and costume designs were stunning. I loved the cold tall marble pillars with the soft billowing curtains and the grand fur capes that they all wore. Actually one piece that I absolutely adored was the helmet undefeated champion of the gladiators that Maximus eventually kills. It was a gleaming silver helmet in the shape of a tiger and when he pulled the face shield down, it was a face of a mask. It was really awesome. As for the music, I've listened to that soundtrack religiously after I first watched the movie: I'd get on the bus to go to UHS at 7:15 in the morning and listen to the entire track.
Most great adventure films have that kind of storyline: Maximus the hero is accompanied by the strong heroine (and btw, he couldn't have done it without her help and her sacrifice: her brother and her own place in the court) defeat the conniving, poisonous and jealous enemy.
Anyway those lines in the beginning of the post spoke to me. If you've watched the movie, you see that though Maximus goes from a general who was the emperor's favourite to the lowly slave to a gladiator- he is respected and loved despite his standing in the social hierarchy. His character is strong and he knows who he is and stands by his principles. Throughout the movie his sole goal is to go home. All that he has fought for was only for the desire to return to his quiet life as a farmer (extremely connected to the world: he picks up some earth prior to every fight, rubs it in his hands and smells it. Yes, it's also to prevent hands from getting sweaty) and to return to his wife and son whom we discover later on, are killed by the orders of the emperor. In the end, we know his home is where his family is: not that place he describes of that as a poplar tree and apples and fig trees which he returns to when he dies. You are home as the princess says (er can't remember her name).
Is Rome worth one good man's life? We once believed it, make us believe it again.
Reminds me of Jesus Christ.


Anyway I've been looking around the stuff in my room, and I found all these old sketch books that I actually filled and finished. Wow I used to have a long attention span. Anyway here is some of my work over the many years: starting from-hm- gr 5 and gr 6 when I lived in Hong Kong:






(From left to right. Please click for a larger image): I laugh at the first image because it's so funny looking. I have no idea who this is. Just some human I drew and started colouring in and must have realized it was the wrong shade of skin tone. The second was inspired by these chinese dancers we saw and I drew all their dresses and stuff. The third was a study of a vase and bamboo and random stuff in our HK apartment. The last depicts me and my bro and my friend Laura on one of our many walks with our parents at some reservoir drawing.









When I returned to Canada, I started taking art lessons. I didn't take pictures of my first drawings which were all flowers (studying and learning organic shapes). I copied all of these seperate pictures save the egg. The other two were from books. I copied a lot as an artist when I was younger to just learn the technique. The second picture is just a close up shot of the rose which I took pride in doing the water drops. :P










I had to draw cars which was the hardest thing I had ever done. I have little knowledge in this so if I drew the rear view window too high or too low or too tilted my teacher would correct me because of the functional and rational purposes of the car. I also started to copy images of women and started copying animals in colour pencil. I also began to look at photos and copied them in colour. Now when I look back I can see they were pretty anatomically incorrect.








So I continued to copy from photographs rather than premade sketches. They all pretty much suck the first two. The face of the first is too long and the nose isn't slanted enough. Her face for that matter is not slanted enough. The second is of Iverson (it was for a friend initially) but now I've noticed that I didn't foreshorten the face enough. I got discouraged and stopped halfway. Now looking back, all my drawings crack me up. The last was the sketch that really got me into Arts York art despite the meticulous violin sketch that I showed below.. they liked the quick gesture drawings I did of the other art students. Ai yah.









Yeah so that has been my progression of DRAWING thus far though I have also posted a watercolour I did in tribute of the Beslan tragedy here. But I'm not exactly thrilled with my acrylic painting skills either. The last was done at sucky Parsons: a life study (charcoal) that took two days to complete. I've done a lot of life drawing in UHS but most of them are rolled into heaps in my basement. Yay and I'm done my post: that took several hours.

Love the Life You Live: results

I have a feeling I shall post three entries by the end of today. So last night I continued to read the book 'Love the Life you Live' until it told me to do this online test so I could measure up and relate better to all that they would be saying in the next few chapters. I did the test and the answers don't surprise me. For me I know my strength is my self honesty nor do I care that people know who I am. In that sense, I am pretty transparent. If I wasn't, well, I wouldn't be publishing any of this. I know, however, that I place much of my self-esteem on my appearance and through acquisition. So here I have posted the results for a personal record minus all the chapters they've recommended me to read.

Section 1: Confidence in One’s Own Significance
Confidence from Appearance/Self-Presentation
For you, self-esteem and appearance are intertwined. The better you think you look, the better you feel about yourself.
Confidence from Acquisition
It can be hard for you to remember that the thrill of buying something new is fleeting, at best. While we would not label you “materialistic,” we are concerned that acquiring new things is too important to your sense of self.

Confidence from Profession
While you might take pride in your professional accomplishments, your work is not the sole determinant of your self-esteem. Rather, you strive to balance a sense of pride derived from success in your profession with other sources of satisfaction.

Confidence from Interpersonal Affirmation
You sometimes find yourself craving others’ approval, and it always feels good to know that others think highly of you. However, you usually realize that your self-worth is not dependent on others’ opinions of you.
Confidence from Awareness of Inherent Worth
Through life’s challenges, you almost always remember that you, as an individual, have a value that no one can take from you. You very seldom, if ever, compromise your own values in an effort to gain the approval of others.

Section 2: Authenticity
Self-Knowledge (Honesty with Self)
Congratulations—you have found a way to accept yourself in all your internal glory, shame, fear and hope. Achieving this essential authenticity with yourself is crucial for you to achieve honest, open and healthy relationships with others.

Self-Revelation (Honesty with Others)
It’s not always easy for you to be with other people, but you can usually find ways to be honest with others. You are most comfortable when you can find a balance between solitude, on the one hand, and taking pleasure in others’ company, on the other.

Fear of Honesty with Others
Your mind is not cluttered by undue doubts about how much of yourself you should reveal to others. You rarely worry about whether you have said too much about yourself. Your friends have the pleasure and privilege of knowing you as you really are.

Commitment to One’s Own Values
It is possible for you to compromise your own values in an effort to gain the approval of others, but you usually stand by your principles. When you are faced with important decisions, you try to find a balance between pleasing others and acting on your own principles.

Section 3: Self-Giving Love
Self-Care
Congratulations—it is evident from your responses that you are aware of the importance of balancing your own needs with those of others. Even though it is not easy for you, you do try to take care of yourself at the same time you are attentive to those around you.

Charitable Love
It’s a struggle for you sometimes to find time, energy and motivation to be attentive to others while you take care of your own needs. As you might already know, or will soon discover, a life-affirming richness will infuse your every moment when you care for others as you care for yourself.


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Aw I forgot to add in my schedule that tania bought me tickets to see the LOTR musical on the 31st of May so I can't attend Robyn's show. DANG IT. Well everyone go support her!
I love it. I told my mom today that I lost weight (weighing about 122-125 lbs) and she said that's because of all my walking (no kidding) and she said I'd gain it back real soon if I keep lounging around like I did today. -_-. My mother is always like this when it comes to weight/fitness and exercise. It doesnt' really bother me but it still exasperates me a little.

And Another

I remember reading from somewhere that great writers are those who can just write about one topic without switching from idea to idea. Being able to fully flesh out one issue to its fullest potential. So true. I am all over the place. Next.


I go on people's blogs three times a day sometimes. Kind of sad. I'm always hoping people will write something and post. I think to make up for their absence, I blog three times a day. Haha. I like writing- well that is writing whatever I want. But I feel as if everyone is getting to know me better through this than in person. Then again I can't see everyone whenever I want to since I now reside in New york and I'm more self conscious in person and less articulate. :P


Whoohoo I've lost two pounds! Those two pounds came from my excessive eating in Hong Kong last year. Haha. I played tennis with my dad yesterday... my sides and my entire right arm aches... ah.... my forehand sucks like no other but my backhand isnt as bad. My dad went to play tennis today with his friends at York and as soon as he hit the ball, his strings snapped. He blames it on me.


So today we watched 'Over the Hedge' and ALMOST had the entire theatre to ourselves. You could basically walk into any theater if you wanted to becuase no one was there. Ah the luxuries of a university student. I later had dinner with the UN crew minus Sarah. What pisses me off is that I feel used by her. She asked me to purchase a pair of BCBG shoes for her at Century 21- a discount designer store I dislike going into because there are crazy crowds in there and I rarely go down all the way to the Financial District (it's next to Ground Zero). Well since Tania came we went and I got her the $90 shoes. The other night she tries to get us together by initiating a thing at her house but I told her Tania had the shoes so I wasn't sure if I could get them to her by that night. Well then she said she'd call me the following day to tell me what we were doing together with Soph and everyone. The next day I didn't get a call so I called her and she tells me that she didn't plan anything. I told her that I went to Tania's house to specially pick the shoes up for her. So I call Julia who is getting together with Soph to watch the season finale of American Idol and Lost so I said we could meet up there. Well Sarah asks me if I am going and I said I would so she goes. Hm I wonder why. To pick up the shoes perhaps. And today we had a dinner that Vanessa made and she didn't come so she could visit her boyfriend. You have to understand she rarely comes to any of our gatherings. Mere coincidences? I don't know but I'm just slightly ticked off.
Anyway supper was nice- just being able to watch friends cook (while me and Soph, the people who can't cook, sat around watching Julia and Vanessa) discussing vacation plans and the following school year and talking about Sarah Bates who is still at the Air Force academy doing her summer training in skydiving or parachuting... Lol. we have such an interesting mix of friend here:
Soph: Western, liberal arts. Crazy random person: very outgoing
Julia: Crazy tall dancer who is going into a school half an hour away from Manhattan next year
Vanessa: Cynical, oddly funny, reminds me of Angelina Jolie going into U of T next year for social sciences for the heck of it.
Sarah B: Extremely generous and kindhearted, attending the Air Force academy in Colorado.
Moi: Artsy Parsons kid. Can't describe myself.
As for the other Sarah, I'm not sure where she is going next year.
We watched the premier of 'So you think you can dance' and there was this one insane black guy who did the craziest hip hop moves ever. We were all so impressed by his skills and his sheer strength to control his body to create such tight and precise moves. He literally defied gravity. And his choice of music wasnt bad either: Pump it, Black Eyed Peas. Good memories to that song.


Anyway I think I've bored you all to death so I'm going to read and sleep.

Illustrated Version

GO TO ROBYN'S GRAD ART SHOW PEOPLE! It's on Wednesday... well this coming Wednesday.. which is -er- the last day of May or something? Well it's at Unionville High School so come and support my dear cousin who will be selling prints of her work and silkscreened t shirts to RAISE MONEY FOR HER TUITION. Poor Parsons students. :( haha.
Wow and a year has gone by. I remember last year when I did my art show (over to the left of our recycled paper gown), I had the time of my life. My wonderful art friends and I created something we were proud of and created a wonderful scene for people to enjoy it. It was something I loved and had people enjoy my work and was able to look at my fellow artists' work. It was great.
Okay I got the info: Wednesday May 31 at Unionville High School, 6:30-9pm. $2/ticket.

Btw if you want to see the pictures better, click on it to get full view.




Anyway, I was able to upload more pictures onto blogger this time round. I was quite proud of how I organized my desk. The first picture is just a close up of the right side of my dry erase board which I stuck random drawings I had created in October and fashion clippings I liked alongside random lines I cut out of catalogs ("wish you were here", "fashion is a subversive art form", "An artist of the floating world") and related to me in some level. The last is of my side of the room. All my suitcases are on the floor, pardon the little mess. The size of my part of the room is about the same as my bedroom in Toronto. It's nice. A lot better than my dorm.



Anyway, here are some pictures I took around my neighbourhood on the day I arrived back in Toronto. Was waiting for Andrew to pick me up for lunch so went walking around the block thrice taking random pictures. I just like the deep perspective in the first and as for the second if you know me, I love taking digital macro shots of everything. I just like the overall colours- soft and dreamy.

Love: Careers

You know when Sam has nothing to do but think and blog.
I forgot what, but something in Wild At Heart reminded me of Naoto and Pastor Herman. They're argument or the reason for their disagreement has been quite secretive. Because I always sit in the front row, I had noticed that they never sat together like they did before. And so I wonder: what could possibly be the cause for such a fight that two leaders of the church would not speak or sit with each other? And what kind of role models are they to all the people of the church? But perhaps I am wrong: I did not see something that they saw or heard. But then again if they don't want people to make assumptions, I think there should have been some transparency. For the normal church goer like I, I had no clue what was going on except people were miffed.

I was browsing the people on my msn list when I came to a certain guy who I attended high school with and being the nosy person I am, looked through his msn blog and pictures (hence the reason why I avoid facebook: a time vortex as my roommates would call it). And then I wondered why I used to care how I came across and looked to these people. Looking back now at the many schools I've been to, I wonder now, why did I care what people thought of me? High school boys were to me, insecure and therefore pretended to act all cool and on the top of their game. And now standing from a distance, I've noticed how petty they are when it comes to grades. Well actually now after reading those books by Eldredge on how masculinity is measured through failures and successes I can understand it partially. But honestly I think they blow out of proportion. We all have moped over a bad mark but when your blog consists only of how bad you did on your accounting test and how you got owned or whatnot, that gets kind of sad. But they are my past now. Why exactly did I care what impression I made on these people? Why did I feel so self conscious? And despite that realization, I care immensely how people view me now. Of course now my present consists of all girls and gay guys- as my roommates noted that they have not seen one ugly girl at Parsons. All girls trying to impress each other by how they dress. That's partially the reason why I don't know if I want to pursue this career in this particular industry- full of snobs and pretentious people. But I want to build something good where there is deceit and superficiality. But I don't know what makes me come alive. If hobbies reflected the type of person you are and your relationships- well then I guess that would make me a very inconsistent friend and an unfaithful spouse. Lol. I can't be like Tania and stick with basketball. I like to experiment in things and dabble in another, learn about this and learn a little about that. Be obsessed with one thing (currently it is all things Japanese) for a while and then totally dropping it for something else. And I'm afraid this kind of madness will cripple me when it comes to my career path- never being able to decide and stay with one thing.
My life of moving from place to place did not just affect my physical self but caused me to wander in and out within my friendships. I was afraid this kind of swapping would affect my relationships with people. This can be seen within my seperation of different groups of friends, floundering inbetween three or four and the past few times that I've spent with people on vacations, I'd get sick of them easily. Yet I've discovered that I can remain happy and faithful within a select few so long as they have tremendous patience to put up with me.

I've also noticed that this blog has been my main source of soul searching and self discovery. Just putting down everything in words and letting my thoughts wander has allowed me to realize things that I would never have seen if I had not written them down.

Summer is here.

I've been watching 'The Promise' trailer several times now. It's not even that great compared to the 'Ever After' and 'Tristan and Isolde'. Perhaps it's summer boredom or the music (which isn't really unique either judging by the trailer). It appears to be a total fairytale movie: stylized and more graphic, playing on the classic myth of a princess and three men (a slave, a duke and a general).

I'm finishing up my first summer read 'Wild at Heart' and am on the second last chapter called 'A Beauty to Rescue'. The author John Eldredge wrote about the moment he fell in love with his wife,

The one summer night something shifted. I dropped by to see Stasi; she came sauntering down the hall barefoot, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white blouse with lace around the collar and the top buttons undone. The sun had lightened her hair and darkened her skin and how is it I neve realized she was the beautiful maiden before?


What did I get from that passage? That no matter how trivial critics say fashion is, it still has a large impact on your impressions of people. You may laugh at me but it's true. For the eyes see before the words are conjured in the mind. We see the print in the book before we are able to comprehend. Then again clothes are clothes- they only carry so much significance in a life: fabric cut into shapes and sewn together. That's all. It is not to say that your self is defined by your appearanc: I am just saying they're another way of expression- an extension of the body and of the skin.


So I guess after first year I shall be taking two people back with me to live in New York: one being my cousin Robyn and the other, Julia my dancer/model friend who is going to attend Purchase- a dance school in White Plains half an hour away from Manhattan.

My days are now filling up for the next week. Here's my sched. I need some visual aid because I'm just automatically booking myself for everything though I can't remember exactly who I booked with. :P
Tomorrow (Thursday): Watching 'Over the Hedge' with Tania and then having dinner at Vanessa's house with the other girls (she's making us dinner. :P We're a bunch of old wives exchanging recipes. Kind of funny).
Friday: Going to a lounge (only requirement: must have great looking interiors for my sake)downtown with all the 19 year olds of the same group (minus sarah her b day december 31st). Perhaps Buda or Ultra Supper Club but I heard it's full of snobs. Bah
Saturday: Julia, Sarah and Vanessa are gonna go biking along the Scarborough Bluff or something but it's three hours long and I have very little endurance in everything besides walking. Wait.... oh yeah I can't go anyway cuz I have that lunch with Mr. Cho and the old gr 12's at Pickle Barrel, Markville Mall and then coming to Robyn's rescue to shop for her purse and shoes for prom. :P
Sunday: Church/baptism/bbq
Tuesday: A Tania/Andrew day of watching 'The Promise', WATCHING them play b ball and watching the phoenix/dallas game. Hm that's a lot of watching for me. haha
Friday: Helping Robyn with her hair and makeup (well my cousin Grace is. I can't do hair and makeup for beans)


And somewhere in between all that, go to Centre Island to bike with Andrew and Tania.
Btw, Sam/ Angie are you up for pad thai next Sunday?

Serving Sake

Last night- well last last night was wonderful. Edwin my cousin and his wife Eva, came from California to visit us so them, Auntie Sharon and my cousin Michelle and her bf Jackson went out to this really underground authentic Japanese sake restaurant (they only serve cooked food and no sushi). We sampled about 12 dishes each about $7-$12 each and only tiny portions from filet mignon lightly cooked with Japanese citrus sauce to mackerel rolled onto hot rice to beef patte shaped into a circular cake with different caviar shaped into a ying yang sign. I also got to sample some sake which I must sadly say I disliked. I think I'm going to rule off all alcohol. I think, as Tania said, I'll just buy some ice wine here and bring it back with me to NY and just age it. :P But I must say the sake was served beautifully: tiny glass 'goblet's each a different colour- mine being black with large flecks of gold. The sake was served in a blue glass bottle with many cuts and facets- reminds me something out of Tolkien's Rivendell. It sat in a oddly shaped reminiscent of a rock ceramic bowl with leaves and melting ice in it. Everything there was presented beautifully- that's what I find so seductive and beautiful about Japanese culture- turning every day habits into pleasure by transforming them from chore to ritual. I'm tired of American culture. I want to go to Japan. My escape for now is through the movie Memoirs of a Geisha. Yes it's not really a great adapted version of the novel but it's just so beautiful to look at- to see a dramatized part of the Japanese life from hot springs with floating sake boxes and oranges to cherry blossom viewing.
Well anyway, in the middle of the dinner Jackson had to go to 'the bathroom' when he in fact went to the front desk to override the already placed credit card of Auntie Sharon's. Very cunning. He also told them to sing me happy birthday because they forgot it was exactly ten days ago. I was really surprised because I thought it was Edwin's birthday or something. It was really fun. Did I mention the waiter was really hot? He reminds me of the stylized Manga/anime characters. Japanese guys are good looking in general.
They were really impressed by Auntie Sharon who travels nonstop her next place being a two week cruise to Scandinavia and then to Japan and then to Shanghai. I'd like to do that someday though it doesn't seem quite as fun without people to enjoy it with you. It seems that you either lead the life of a constant traveler- learning and enjoying the vast array of cultures, traditions and landscapes with a wide network of friends or to be grounded by the responsibilities (which do come with their own rewards) of spouse and family. It is hard to do both.

My greatest fear is that I am seeking more solace within human companionship than in the divine.

'The Promise' seems like a movie that calls upon the lines of Captivating and Wild at Heart.

Thanksgiving

(Jesus) "Then he said, 'Beware! Don't be greedy for what you don't have. Real life is not measured by how much we own." Luke 12:15


Always a big reality check for me


(Paul)"It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success come from God." 2 Corinthian 3:5


A constant reminder as I search for the perfect career path.


"The Lord your God will make you successful in everything you do." Deuteronomy 30:9


(Jesus)"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?" Mark 8:36


So all my marks have come in. I must say it has been a pretty successful first year:



Persp World Art & Design 2 A-
Critical Reading & Writing 2 A
3D Design 2 A-
2D Design 2 B
Drawing Fundamentals 2 A-
Digital Design 2 A
Laboratory 2 A


I really hate 2D- it's basically painting solid colours and shapes and I can't do that because I was taught to do traditional painting: blending with many colours. I can never make a consistent colour. Sigh. Oh well that's okay. I'm happy with my other marks: three A minuses and three A's. It's so symmetrical. Have you wanted to achieve something so badly? My first experience with that was gr 12 English. To me that was one thing I could compare myself with my other science and math friends: an intersection. But I failed in getting what I wanted. I remember our Drawing Fundamentals Teacher on the last day of class gave us her words of wisdom. One was 'Compare and Despair'- there is always someone better than you. I always compare and it always makes me miserable and insecure. Another is 'do something that you love and not for the money' because if you do something for the money you will never do well as those who have a passion in that profession. And you'd probably end up making less money in the long run. This year the course I really wanted to do well was 3D design because I've always sucked in creating things. I was really afraid for this class. You have no idea what it took me to create that picnic basket. And yet I've surprised myself, proving to myself my ability to cut and work with wood. The one thing I'm really impressed is that I can self teach myself anything by examining every day objects and through practical problem solving. And yet for each project I have despaired and had troubles and God had come through every time. I got my A-. That means the world to me. All that I have done I give back to You. All that has been said and done and achieved have all happened because of Your Grace. I look upon Your great works in awe at its complexity- the intricacy of a leaf and wonder how I could create something even a fraction that beautiful and wonderful. For you are the Creator of this world, the Artist who crafted each of us with a vast imagination and ceaseless creativity. Can you inspire me?


I'm getting into you because you got to me in a way words can't describe. I'm getting into you because I've got to be. You're essential to survive. I'm going to love you with my life. (favourite song from Relient K)


All that has been achieved in my first year at Parsons I give all to God. Coping with living with three roommates who are so vastly different: Allie the amusement of the group who I love taking walks with and watching MTV with, Bonnie the Disney lover and the one with a huge shoe fetish and art perfectionist whose always in heels and Liz the hippie anarchist partyer with a huge cd/record collection. It has been tough sometimes to deal with so many girls in one room but it was rewarding. I miss them. We had many many laughs together talking about the weirdest things (Allie missed her algebra class at 8:30 in the morning because she was so immersed in the conversation the night prior about her bellybutton and how much it smelled. LOL.) or how about exfoliating and Bonnie suggested that Allie rub her arms really hard to get all the disgusting grime off. Allie said "I'm afraid that when I wake up Bonnie would be giving me a rubdown and I'll have pounds and pounds of skin around me." lol. We always make up these imaginary scenarios that wouldn't come true but keep us amused (Liz's coworker to us looked like a rapist and she went out with him one night to a party and still wasn't back by 3am.. we really are mothers... so me and allie called Liz trying to sound all cool and unmotherly like and Allie said "pssst if anything is wrong or if you're getting raped call us back and the secret code for help is Happy Daisy!" LOL. Of course it makes no sense. And then Liz got arrested for something she didnt do and now has to go to court some time... friend threw beer bottles at a club crowd (he was drunk) and police arrested her. Ai yah. Not to mention all the dance parties of one Allie had and playing Canon in D with Liz and a mandolin. Or the many dvds we've watched. Aw.

To explain what had happened the past year of my life- well- I can say I've gone through much- too many stories to recall and retell. Telling you what happened but not experiencing the life is quite different. This life that I have lived so far- the past 18/19 years have been so wonderfully rich, full of texture, culture, colour and people I have crossed paths with. Most people would say they've grown up with childhood friends- I had not. I think about those who I hardly speak to anymore- friends I used to be close with. It's okay, some things are not meant to last forever. It doesn't mean that they are not my friends anymore, we've just drifted. I have friends in Australia, New Zealand, US, Hong Kong, Canada, Japan and England. And I just remembered my pen pal in gr 5- we were paired up with another person from a school in Beijing and we wrote letters to each other. One time my family went to Beijing to visit and we visited her- I think her name was Jenny. And I remember her parents had bought this Barbie doll computer game for Jenny so she could entertain me. I don't think it was the actual game that pleased me but the kind gesture of her parents. I don't think they were wealthy but they gave me a Chinese paper kite of a dragonfly which I still have and some Chinese minority beaded hat. Well I've lost touch with her- silly me to have done so. But they were extremely kind. I wonder what's she's doing now.

Our lives are made up of these little stories- layer upon layer. A multicoloured quilt fabricated from our dearest memories, shattered dreams, nightmares, pleasures and happiness. I've often sifted through these thin sheets- running their papery skins across my fingers- remembering that little golden moment when I sat in my art teacher's studio smelling the baked bread at Subway next door while trying to stay awake to paint in the warm glow of the sun. Sigh. Life is beautiful.

Untitled

Sometimes when people make hurtful comments on msn I try to brush them off and tell myself that they really didn't intentionally mean to come across in such a manner- but why does it still sting? I then proceed to tell myself I'm just way too sensitive. Why? Because I'm a girl and an art kid. But when is it then not my own fault? I'm trying to nurse the wound by blaming it on myself.
Do not bother asking me for reasons why if you don't have the time or willingness to listen. I'd rather you have not asked. For I see people together laughing, friends conversing and I feel like an outsider pressing my face against the glass looking into this little world of the church which I still have not been able to access. I'm not being emo. For you have your own group of friends and people like Sam, Angie and Alex have their own. Friends like Jerry or Joyce or Vinci or Roz. People I have known since 2000 but don't really know. Always being referred to as 'Auntie Jo's niece' or 'Robyn's cousin' or 'Grace's cousin'? I am someone beyond the relations of these people. Beyond the 'second Sam' or 'Sam squared'. Sometimes I feel that people are only polite and tolerant of me because they know my aunt or uncle. Do you feel the awkwardness I feel when standing next to friends of friends who I've seen all these years but never talk to? No you don't. And it has been all these years and I stand within a group of kids from RHCBC and feel isolated. They talk to them but not me. So I just smile and laugh at inside jokes when I have no clue what they are talking about. And that's what I'm afraid of. That is my reason why.
If you tried, you'd know. If you have ever been uprooted, you'd know. If you've ever been to a church for 9 months having no one know your name, you'd know. But you don't. You don't.

Every time I think about retreat I remember two things and mainly two things only: the mini musical we performed and the first day there I felt lonely and cried calling my mom to ask if I could go home which she refused and had Auntie Jo and Robyn chase me down to see what was wrong. What a contradiction. The reason why I disliked retreat was because I hated the games- I thought they were silly and stupid and felt embarrassed when participating. And that is just me. I just dont enjoy playing those kinds of games. Every time we played a game I'd get really nervous because I'd care what people thought of me. Silly isn't it. But you see, I really want to go to retreat. I want to be included and I want to have fun. I'm just afraid.

Perhaps you don't know why I spent so much time on the card beyond the fact that I really have nothing to do here- a simple piece of paper. Well after witnessing so many years of baptisms of people I don't know- I finally get to see one where I know one of the people getting baptized. Many years of hearing names of people I vaguely know and clapping politely watching their friends scramble up to the front to take their picture, perhaps this year I can support someone I know by just being there. I remember all those years, watching older teenagers getting baptized and hearing their friends scream and shout their name and I wondered: would anyone do the same for me? Would I hear my Christian friends calling my name? See, it goes beyond the act of baptism. For me it's a personal event to see a good friend make a declaration to the Lord and for everyone to see. The only baptism I remember that I knew someone was two years ago. And that has been the only one.

So I hope you understand all that I do is beyond mere appearances. If you delve deeper, you'll find someone who just wants to fit in with the rest of the church kids.

And yet I feel that I really have been too sensitive. Perhaps it's because it's almost 4am in the morning. I don't know. But I just wanted to let you know anyway.

Apartment Pictures Upon Request

So as upon request, I've included more pictures of my apartment. It's probably around 400 to 500 sq feet with a balcony, perfect kitchen with dishwasher (not like Asians use it for washing dishes anyway :P) and a bathroom... oh yes and three closets- one used for our dumb art supplies, winter coats and cleaning supplies.
The first picture is obviously of our bathroom which I love because we have three medicine cabinets which you can open and see yourself from all angles when you position the mirrors correctly. I love our shower curtain. The photos are pretty yellow. The next two is of our little kitchen which has a breakfast bar. The next one is of my organized closet which I will soon have to dissassemble due to moving back to toronto (YES!!!!) and the last of the overall look before we moved all our crap in. That's my friend Mayumi. Before I leave I'll get everything pretty and post more pictures with my light and everything.


I've always wondered what people's passwords are to their emails and accounts. I think it would tell me a lot about the person because passwords have to prominent and personal enough for someone to remember yet unique so that no one could guess it. So that word must be pretty close to the heart as you can say. Yeah I'm not really articulate today. Hahaha... am I ever? Like my school email account which we have to change the password to every 60 days: my previous one was 'summer' because when I wrote it, I knew the next time I'd change it would be summer. Hahaha... That's not personal but a random thought.

Today our church did the food drive and I brought in two bags of stuff and when I was waiting in the lobby for the elevator to go up to our church so many people said hi to me. Some guy even told me that it was great that I had brought two bags to compensate for people like him who didn't. -_-. So perhaps I should bring food every week so that people will talk to me. Maybe I look more altruistic and therefore more approachable and friendly with the bags. Sigh.

The Light

Being the narcissist artist/designer I am, I am going to display a photo montage thing of my lighting project to make you appreciate my work. HAHA. :P Thanks to a certain best friend for enlightening me about that picture button in blogspot. haha.

In the beginning, there was an idea. As I said before the concept of memory. Here's the crappy frame I built from armature wire around my bulb to avoid the paper from heating up. Ta da!


I then proceeded to look up quotes pertaining to memory and hand drew them out in cursive form onto vellum paper: very much like tracing paper but thicker. Yes I listened to tons of music. Drove me nuts.




Then the crappy part: cutting all the letters out. That required the X acto knife to cut out all the 'holey' parts and then the scissors going in and out and around so that every sentence was carved out.




Lovely arent they. :P







Anyway here is when I started building on the frame itself. I folded envelopes and taped (yes I used tape for one project!) the quotes on so they seemed to have literally come out of the letters themselves and ran into streams of letters. I was trying to be lazy by glue gunning the envelopes onto the wire frame but they were constantly falling off so I had to punch small holes into the paper with a needle and got pliers to secure them with wire. Sigh. I was constantly listening to 'Remember the Name' from Mike Shinoda's Fort Minor to keep me going because I got quite annoyed with it.









In between the envelopes I glued pictures of my aunts and uncles and my grandparents when they were young: a sort of disassociation but familiarity with personal/impersonal images. You can't see them when the light is off but when it it's on you can see the photos.









Ta da! Jellyfish. :P It looks great in person. Yup and that was my final project for 3D which I got an A- on. Very happy. :D It's now hanging above my bed. So functional. :P

Priorities Reflected through Space

Argh I've lost my Chanel eyeliner from moving in. Dang it. I hate how unorganized I am. I try and I never am organized. Perhaps I never was meant to be. My room is still a mess-better but still a mess. However my closet is immaculate and beautifully organized with my new drawer installation. As you can see my priorities lie in my clothes. Lol. It's really sad. That's the first thing I did when Tania left- jumped right into moving the thing into my closet and colour coding all my shirts and deciding where to keep my dresses and whether or not to use wooden hangers (boutique appearance over space-saving white plastic hangers? I chose the latter for practicality sake). All my dresses, I decided to fold away and put into a box (ugly one but whatever... I'll buy a nice one later). Magazines stacked on the top shelf and crates pushed inside to keep paraphernelia like hats and handbags. I then proceeded to stick on hooks (I love these hooks because they're strong enough to carry anything but can be easily removed without taking the paint off with it) and hung belts from one and made a little 'picture frame hanger' for a cork board which I've started to hang jewelry over. Lol. As for my desk, it's still a mess. Good job Sam. It's exactly the same at home: I redid and reorganized my entire walk in closet at home so that I had mannequin heads (just like the ones at the christmas dinner) displaying my hats and scarves and an elaborate Venetian mask I got in Japan (oh the irony) sitting on top of an Hermes box. I put a chinese birdcage in there and hung all my purses from a filing folder ring. It looks really pretty. The rest of my room is a mess.
It's a lot easier for me to organize a closet because I know what I want but as for a desk I'm pretty much clueless as to how to sort everything because I have the most random junk lying around. I've just realized through this post that my priorities are kind of skewed. Well actually no: who is to say that my desk should be more important than my closet? Meh. My desk at home used to be a place for me to display my perfume bottles and Venetian mirrors and pearls and to just place things on. I never used it. I always sat on my floor to do anything.
I have an obsession with beautiful things. If I can't have it then just having a picture will do hence my love for catalogs and magazines. Today I went to Anthropologie (omg I love that store to pieces) and this handmade silver plated brass mesh/chainmetal-like belt in a shape of an obi caught my eye.

http://www.anthropologie.com/jump.jsp?itemID=11425&itemType=PRODUCT&iMainCat=972&iSubCat=1486&previous=1

It instantly reminded me of Valentino's white dress

http://www.style.com/slideshows/fashionshows/S2006RTW/VALENTIN/RUNWAY/00710m.jpg

Unlike most people who choose function over form, if I have to live, breathe, eat in a space for a long time it has to be beautiful. The first thing I unpacked and brought over to my apartment were all my beautiful hardcover picture-packed design books which I lined up according to size and colour and all my dvds. I take great pride in arranging them. I admire those who only purchase things when they need it but I really can't do that. Today I got stood up by my friend who slept in and forgot our little get together so I went out to make myself busy and went to Staples to buy a hole puncher, pencils, tape then went to Forever 21 and bought a pair of shorts because I outgrew most of mine width wise (lol) and then the Food Emporium to purchase non perishables for our church food drive and went to the copy center to photocopy my lease for my parents. Everything I do costs money- that's why I always want to stay inside- to keep myself from spending money. Perhaps I am more like Becky than I thought. :P

So I'm listening to 'Can you Feel the Love tonight' from Lion King and I think my favourite line is
"He's holding back, he's hiding. But what I can't decide. Why won't he be the king I know he is, the king I see inside?"
I think it has to do with the whole Man afraid of failing so he becomes passive while Woman believes in Man but can only stand by and watch because Man must initiate. I don't know. I'm sleepy. I think I shall try and watch the Little Mermaid on my computer now. hehehe. Haven't watched that in a million years.

So the past week has been quite crazy. Firstly Tania arrived on that Thursday and then it was my birthday on Friday. I just went to school as usual where we had a presentation which was quite horrible and made me feel carsick because all the films were cut short and really fast. Well my friends treated me out to lunch at a french restaurant and Tania got me a white rose. Afterwards we just hung out a bit at the dorm and then Tania and my roommates and I went to watch Art House Confidential in Times Square which was okay. Then Liz had to go to another party and we walked around for ages in Greenwich Village trying to find an affordable restaurant. We ended up at the cafe Hudson where we had a little issue with Allie ordering wine and the waiter not questioning her age until AFTER he served her. Hahah. Anyway Bonnie gave me the Count of Monte Cristo on dvd (all the guys in the movie are sooo cute. ;) Guy Pearce his 'son' and the actor who plays Jesus. lol) and Liz bought me these little chocolates which she read up about in the New York Times (hahaa), Allie got me this little chocolate recipe card book (that's kind of sad... I'm not obsessed with chocolate- I just like it. haha) and Tania got me two tickets to the LOTR musical.
So after that it all went downhill- I got a virus from Liz and Allie two days before where they just stayed in bed feeling sick and puking. I got it in the form of bloating and diarrhea and every time I stood up I felt like throwing up. So for the next few days I was on a bread-salad-water diet where I ate just two pieces of bread for a day. It was quite depressing. Well after two days when I finally got a doctor's appointment- it went away. -_-. So I was sitting at the office telling them I WAS sick but now was feeling miraculously better. Bah. Anyway we also had to move everything else out which was quite hectic since it was raining. The past few days have been insane with the dorm move-out and everything. Now Tania has gone back and I'm here sitting alone on my mattress with my laptop on a crate. I've been sorting out all my belongings and it's still a mess here. Bah.


I want to play tennis
I looked up acne scarrign and how to prevent it and this site had some pretty graphic pictures and now I don't feel as bad. Lol. I thought mine were bad- the ones they showed in the website were bubbly and dark and some looked like ice pick marks.

Tiramisu

Haha I was talking to my cousin today and we were talking about how I'd feed everyone tiramisu and she mentioned this,
"jonny by the way, refuses to eat any other tiramisu
we went to some resto for mother's day brunch, and he saw it on the menu, but then he said "no. it's not going to be good. it never is."
So cute. Hahah. He reminds me of Vincent from one of Tim Burton's mini movies: sullen and melodramatic.
More on birthday and my interesting two days of soup-bread-salad diet later.

extra happy birthday notes

Jen *grr* says:
happy birthday

alice says:
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
alice says:
the fake bday cake will hafta do for now lol

grAce says:
those were my happy birthday hugs and kisses btw

* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
OMG SAMSON HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
how does it feel to be the big 1-9???? not so different? yea, i totally know what you mean
* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
but that's cos you're not with ME n MINE!!!! ...well, ours
* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
we're going out to celebrate yours (in spirit) n julia's bday tonight, she wants to go out, but it's kinda dodgy the whole 'going out with only 3 girls'
* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
well, to me anyway, cos i dun usually go out with a small group, or at least, i mee tup with people there. but it's her choice!
* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
van n i are gonna try to see if she wants to go to this french restaurant downtown- it's 5 star with organic foods....but u kno jules, she won't eat anything she hasn't cooked herself
* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
anywho, can't wait till you get back! we're taking you out!!!
* s o p h * [live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse behind] says:
cheers lady


- Sammi - [Happy Birthday Sam^2 and Christine!] says:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU
- Sammi - [Happy Birthday Sam^2 and Christine!] says:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO YOUUUUUUU
- Sammi - [Happy Birthday Sam^2 and Christine!] says:
HAPPY BIRTTHDAYY TO SAM^2... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOO YOUUUUUUU


&*angie*& - i should create a wishlist so many things i want. says:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Another Year Older

Ugh I am about to reach the grand 20.... getting old... hahaha. As I always do, I've copied people's nn here for remembrance:

Janet: Happy birthday green eggs and ham!!
Tania: Happy Birthday Sammmy
Lois: HB Sam!
And she sent me this msg with it:
HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY BDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
And there were also the well wishers like my parents who called at 12:30 to wish me happy birthday and andrew and amy.
My friends make my day

Anyway we showed our lighting projects today and my classmates and my teacher loved the concept with the light. I think it's very hard for me to say my own work is beautiful: I honestly didn't think it was that great but Michael kept plugging it in to look at it. People said they wanted to keep it. Yay, I was on top of the world. To make it perfect, my friend Mayumi gave me her beautiful lighting project which was basically an upside down cherry blossom tree created from bronze electrical wires and japanese paper. It looks like a boudoir light and it's absolutely gorgeous. Yay. I like keeping people's work. Oh yeah, and I went to meet my Drawing Fundamentals teacher today to get my work back and she said the department head kept it so they could photograph it. :) Was a good day today. And my dear best friend came.
Last night was great too... well last last night. Ji Ae and I (classmate) worked on our lighting projects from around 7:30-3am and watched four movies: Great Expectations, Requiem for a Dream, Ever After and this korean movie called Old Boy. It was a lot of fun.
I think making trailers must be incredibly fun. The best trailers I have seen so far are Ever After and Tristan and Isolde. Sometimes they're much more exciting than the actual movie (just like those two. Trailer is way better than movie) and makes you want to watch it again though the film itself sucked.
So my birthday marks another day: my last day of my first year at university. Now wasn't that interesting.

"all I could see were purples, and reds and her silhoutte (sp)."
I was browsing around the people on MSN and saw my old elementary school friend Andrew, with this quote in his nickname accompanied by a picture of a vibrant sunset and a dark outline of two people- I'm guessing him and his girlfriend. It was cute. I remember he was the obnoxiously loud one in class and just sitting next to him made my ears ring. He was a stringbean with a ton of things to say.

So we finished building all the furniture and moved them around. Yay! We saw the landlady today and we both forced super fake smiles. She was so nice to the woman who entered the elevator with them. GRRRR. So fake.

Whoohoo I've finished my rhetorical essay on Memoirs of a Geisha. It ended up to be seven pages long. Lol. I always overdo essays.

I've noticed that in order to show intimacy within a pair of lovers, moviemakers HAVE to either have them kiss or have sex. It has to be physical intimacy over all else. Is this what we prize the most? Is that the epitome of intimacy between couples? Iono. I saw 'In the Mood for Love'- a Chinese indie film.. and it was the slowest moving film I had ever seen with hardly any physical intimacy let alone kissing. It was really symbolic and suggestive- even the conversations between the actors.


We saw Willem what's his name: the guy who plays the Green Goblin in Spiderman. He is so short.

A Series of Interesting Events

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill

Fifteen percent concentrated power of will

Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain

And a hundred percent reason to remember the name

Angry Rant: Respect

What does it take to get some respect from adults. Geez. I'm not talking about respect that rappers like to talk about. I am just talking about politeness and to treat me as an equal. I am so angry because I don't get any respect and have to bear the brunt of their own snobbery. Today we had to move our furniture because the UPS service called us and said they'd come on Saturday between 10-2. I already had stayed up last night working on my art history notes for Tuesday's test till 3. So I only got 6 hours of sleep (more on this later) and had to wake up early. I went to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients for my tiramisus (one as a thank you for my cousin and her bf, one for my class and one for my roomies) and then the movers came.... the superintendent complained that we were moving everything on a saturday which would interfere with tenants (er that's every day) and that we should have done it earlier. But, hello, we have no choice or say in when they move stuff. Anyway so the movers moved everything into the elevator and the superintendent's wife- an annoying raisin overtanned blonde woman with her tiny little Paris Hilton dog starts complaining about the stickers that got caught on the rubber mats in the elevator... and says the tenant should not have moved it then and should have moved in within the morning hours. And she looks at me and asks me if I was the tenant and I said yes.. and she starts talking crap to me about how I was irresponsible. Omg, I don't think they've ever dealt with UPS before. And she wouldn't let us get off at my floor because she desperately had to pee so we all had to yield to her wishes. Well the mover who I was with, this nice black guy, started swearing at her under his breath. HAhh... it made me feel better because I really wanted to slap her. Anyway then me and Bonnie started building some of the stuff and decided to move all the empty cardboard boxes to the lower level for recycling.... and the boxes litreally boxed bonnie within the corner of the elevator: it was a wall of cardboard and I couldn't see her and assumed she pressed the elevator button... but guess who we saw??? HER AGAIN. And she started (what's another word for b*tching... no not trying to swear but can't think of a better word at the moment to convey such annoyingness) about how we didn't know anything and she got pissed because the elevator stopped on the lobby floor and that it wasn't moving and started yelling at me and to be careful (about what???) and decided to come down with us to show us how to recycle. ARGH. Well in order to get to the elevator button she had to squish her face on the cardboard boxes which gave me great pleasure to watch. ARGH. We pay for your salary and we didn't do anything wrong and we didn't have control of the situation and just because we're teenagers, you can't treat us that way and the tenants were understanding when they saw us move heavy furniture and were patient with the movers. I was in such a foul mood after.
ARGH

Adventures and Alcohol

Anyway yesterday was crazy. It started off with me and Allie going to Nolita (north of little italy) and just walked around the pretty little shops (no didnt buy anything) and visited the Soho Prada store where they had a mini exhibition and we picked up free pins and stuff (which we later told Liz and Bonnie that we paid $50 for each pin.. lol...). We ended up at a Japanese restaurant where I had a great dinner special for a mere $15 and they asked allie if she wanted wine and she ended up with two glasses. Well we started talking about alcohol and she thought I didnt drink because I hated alcohol when in fact it's because I disliked the taste and hadn't found anything great yet. So we ended up walking for another two/three hours trying to look for a place so I could try something (without carding). To make a really long story short after wandering around Nolita, then Soho, the Greenwich Village and then the Meatpacking District getting carded once, we ended up at this small restaurant where the manager was really nice. I got a irish cream coffee...Allie was ecstatic to be able to witness this moment: she called the other roomies to see if they wanted to come and they were literally shocked and going crazy. Anyway it was disappointing because it was so strong and I had to constantly be downing German chocolate cake to mask the alcohol. Allie had another three glasses of white wine and she was extremely buzzed to the point of tipsy when we got up. Yeah so creamy liquers are not for me either. I held my breath when I drank it. Yech. I did feel a little lightheaded and sleepy after. I tried to act totally drunk for my roommates and they were disappointed when I levelly told them I wasn't while Allie was totally.... you know. I guess alcohol is not for me. I think champagne truffles will do for now... Jacques Torres.. mmm.. $2 a piece. hehe. That's all I can handle for now. Judge as you please but I didn't get drunk.
So that was quite an experience.

Compliments and Lighting Project

Did I ever mention that compliments go such a long way for me? I can live on a single compliment for days. On thursday my teacher saw the bits and pieces of my lighting project and she said that she'd buy this at a retail store and that it was a really ambitious project and she loved it and the concept (which she wrote down the past week when I told her so that she could give the concept to her future classes) I WAS SO HAPPY. My teacher is extremely blunt and she'll say "oh.. that's okay.. it's not that great.. it's messy.." and it's rare for her to compliment you on something. YUP! So I'm on a high right now.
So after reading Tania's blog last night I suddenly got a GREAT idea for another lighting project. Pertaining to the concept of the disintegration of memory and Alzheimer's if I had to construct a light to show this I'd have some kind of organic shaped light fixture. Stamped on the vellum starting from the top part of the shade would have been a family photo (dad's side with more than 20 people) and slowly each person would disappear as the shade progressed downward until lastly, one person would be left (representation of self/ the person who has alzheimers). I think it would have been one creepy looking light considering if you've ever seen those chinese family photos where the grandparents rarely smile. I know this makes no sense whatsoever but I think I'll tell her my idea on Thursday though this particular light is due.


I like the lyrics that I posted at the beginning of the entry. It's true. Mike Shinoda: Fort Minor, Remember the Name. Especially on the art and design industry it's all about being in the right place at the right time. I really like that song: I feel that all I do right now is part of a process to get somewhere higher.


Paint: $8 per tube, Vellum paper: $1.5 per sheet. Concepts: priceless.

For inspiration I always turn to the Creator of this world who never ceases to amaze me with His sheer ingenuity and imagination. I truly believe that if you have great ideas and concepts, you can go far. Not everyone can think like you: you and you alone have unique ideas and ways of seeing that no one is aware of until you say so.
We had to record ourselves reading excerpts of these journal entries pertaining to the media for our lab teacher who wanted to put them in a dvd video for Friday's lab presentation. Well I had to read my friend's because she wasn't there and she wrote that as she was writing the entry, that her tv was on mute although she wasn't even watching it at all. The funny thing is, is that we are so afraid of missing out that we are forced to become a multi-tasker. I never thought of it that way. Anyway I wrote about Chinese films and the differences between them and Western films (as I wrote in here before). That concept of comparing foreign films with American ones was brought up a month ago in our class discussion and she kept asking for people to talk about what they wrote about the media so I talked and it inspired another group to do a film comparing the two. Awesome.