Past Two Days// Male Egos//The Art of Dressing Modestly// The Non-Existent 'Ideal Guy' List

All great quotes are those simple truths that one may have subconsciously known all along but when realized into words; touches, stirs and awakens something deep down within us and acknowledges both the plainness and complexities of life.
Something I just thought of as I drifted to sleep last night.

So much has happened in the past two days. Firstly 16 chinese kids went to Pickle Barrel with Mr Cho and hung out. Haha I realized there were 5 Western kids, 4 Waterloosers, 1 Queens, 1 U of T and I forgot the rest. Hahaha. I enjoy being different from everyone in a way from all the accounting, engineering and math. I guess I always have liked being different in that sense but feel that I sometimes have to defend it. All the uni kids here have their housing stuff pretty much down pat in a way because they all live in 'university towns' whereas new york is just a mush of everyone and finding an apartment was hard because they don't tailor to students and I'm pretty much up against everyone else who is interested.

At night I met up with the UN crew and we decided that being 19 and having the rite of passage to be able to legally buy alcohol, we decided to go to a lounge- something chill, classy, but relatively inexpensive. After a lot of procrastination we decided on Buda- a so-called lounge at Queen Street west. When we got there we hung around outside and decided we weren't even going to drink and were too tired for that sort of thing so we ended up going to the restaurant next door called Peter Pan. LOL. Talk about never growing up. We're a bunch of old ladies: we wanted to go home early, not dance but just sit and talk. Yeah so we finally got to the charming patio when Buda decided to turn into some club and started blasting beat music. It was so annoying. And then SUV limos started pulling up and disco school buses. As for us, we got vanilla creme brulee with rosemary, cold apple fennel soup, some salad and a jamoca almond cheesecake. Yeah. HAHAHA. Oh yeah and Vanessa got a Peter Pantini which consisted of pineapple juice, melon liquer and vodka. First sip was fine and then it tasted gross personally. Anyway, we then decided to walk around and found a nice shop to go to the next time we go downtown. When we were walking back there was a guy who stopped Soph who was next to me and told her how 'fine' she was and all this stuff and ended up saying we all were before he left. I was on the phone with my dad and wanted to tell him to leave her alone and Vanessa told him that he had left his friend behind. Well when he left, Vanessa and Julia were said they were kind of afraid to say something in case he was provoked and whipped some weapon out or something. It annoys me that a female cannot say something against a male when he makes sick annoying remarks. Does it hurt the masculine pride? No woman wants to be oggled it. Only a weak woman would enjoy those dirty remarks for they settle for little. If you rebuke a man for violating you with his eyes, can you not say something? But we fear the violence and the false strength they have. This is ridiculous. On the way home there were whistles and guys saying 'I'd like a piece of that' yet none of us were skantily dressed save Soph and her halter top. I take it men dislike retaliation when it wounds and hurts their ego? So they try to make it up in physical strength. Sad.

The church says for women to dress modestly. I really don't know what that means. Can you put a finger to it save the obvious- like midriff-baring shirts (yet I see girls at retreats wearing bikinis)? So what is modesty and where is this 'fine line'? Yes I understand that men are more 'visual'. You see, I don't mind dressing modestly but now I feel self conscious and am always plagued by the fear of being thought of as 'improper' deemed by people in the congregation and whatnot. Yet it's hot. I don't know what you're supposed to do. Keep yourself covered? When we went to the lounge, to detract unwanted attention, I had jeans on and a wrap sweater with a shirt underneath but it was so warm inside and outside. How much leg is too much leg, how low is too low etc etc. I for one, like to experiment with things and have been trying to dress how I want to without compromising anything but I always feel that I've crossed the line somehow. I now am too afraid to wear shorts unless I'm at the cottage with my UN crew or playing tennis or in some REALLY HOT country that requires minimum clothing- you see my intentions are not to dress slutty or to lure men but to dabble in different things and to dress what I perceive as nice. Being young allows that sort of experimentation. I think in the end all I really wanted to say is is that I want to dress nicely without being judged yet cannot draw the line between modest and immodest.

I've always wondered why I have so few male friends. And I think my answer to that is I've always had a dislike for the male ego. Those who are talented/ good looking and know it are extremely cocky. In retaliation, I just ignore them. And it kind of goes for some of the church guys too. A certain someone was mentioned today- though he is talented and great at whatever- he's apparently rude towards females. And I don't want to deal with any of that no matter how charming a person is and no matter how much of a ladies' man he is. If they can be rude because they think they're some 'chick magnet' (haha tania), then I can be rude back. Not a Christiany thing? Being sweet about it won't solve things either. If John Eldredge said his son should punch a bully if he ever gets shoved, then why must I be all sweet about it all? I've never really opened myself up to any guys because 1) they'll take it as a joke (because I know they secretly fear the complexities of the feminine mind/heart) so why bother getting hurt when I can turn to my female friends? 2) they're not mature enough.

I've noticed when I do make male friends, that they are the ones who usually initiate the conversations in the beginning- those who are friendly enough to approach me. Then I know they're not seeking to look cool or 'all that' or keeping up with pretences. Lemuel is a really nice kid who talks to me randomly and I know he and Sarah get along well. Nick is also a really nice guy to be around with though I forgot his name the last time he started a conversation with me (sorry). I know I'm very wary about guys unlike many girls who have a vast network of male friends. I just feel more comfortable with my own friends- PMS and all. And I am always afraid of falling and I'd rather just avoid it all- all the messiness of male relationships. Am I suffering from a loss? I would say partially because I know male friendships are rather different from female ones but I'm quite content with my friendships and am desperate for male egos anyway. There are too many and I've seen quite enough.

And I guess that leads me to the next thing. The reason why I think I will not be getting a boyfriend soon. I believe that first I must right with God- that my heart seeks Him first and then that special someone. And yet I feel as if I'm never 'right with God'- that I'm always looking out for myself and placing Him as a secondary priority. Today's sermon sucked. It talked about 'having a balanced life' and setting your priorities straight and blah blah- all the things most of us know and have been drilled into our heads. I feel as if they're doing too many 'wake up call sermons'. They're killing me. I don't think it's a balanced life we need but a harmonious life. A life that does not balance the church, friends, family etc but a God centered life where the spiritual affects each component of your life. A balanced life just means that you're juggling a very disparate assortment of aspects from family to friends to church to God to school to work to daily chores whereas what we really need is a network- a universe-like lifestyle where God comes into every part of our activities.

Anyway I also ended up going to the Slinger's softball practice and I feel a little sunburned. Oh well the sun was shining and there was a really nice breeze. I just wish more than anything that I brought my dad's Nikon camera to take some motion shots of the players. I can't zoom in with my Pentax and fear for my life (or my eye.. hahaha) if I ever get hit with the softball. I was also very impressed with that guy who took pictures last year. Since I've been dabbling in a lot of still life photography, I think it'll be a greater challenge to work with motion. So next time I shall do that. Haha.

No matter what people say, looks matter. I was surprised to hear from some of the girls today that they wanted someone who was toned and had abs etc etc. Actually I found that quite amusing. When asked, I really had no 'list of ideal male characteristics' save that he must be Christian, be passionate about life/what he does because I'm attracted to an intense love for something (positive that is) and I forgot what the last thing was. I'm not very concerned about musical talents or whether or not he's smart because I find most people are smart in their own way just like I am. hahaha.. I suck at math (or so I believe.. I think I'm just a slow learner compared to many Asians :P) and could have done good in sci. Everyone is talented in their own things so it's hard to compare. All I know is that I probably can't be paired up with another artist because then it'll get too emo. Also a guy who has prettier than me (yes there are males with fine, delicate features ex. that japanese guy at our school who is dating that korean girl).

Yeah so that's what's been in my head the past two days. I have more to say but just can't recall the moment.