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Sometimes when people make hurtful comments on msn I try to brush them off and tell myself that they really didn't intentionally mean to come across in such a manner- but why does it still sting? I then proceed to tell myself I'm just way too sensitive. Why? Because I'm a girl and an art kid. But when is it then not my own fault? I'm trying to nurse the wound by blaming it on myself.
Do not bother asking me for reasons why if you don't have the time or willingness to listen. I'd rather you have not asked. For I see people together laughing, friends conversing and I feel like an outsider pressing my face against the glass looking into this little world of the church which I still have not been able to access. I'm not being emo. For you have your own group of friends and people like Sam, Angie and Alex have their own. Friends like Jerry or Joyce or Vinci or Roz. People I have known since 2000 but don't really know. Always being referred to as 'Auntie Jo's niece' or 'Robyn's cousin' or 'Grace's cousin'? I am someone beyond the relations of these people. Beyond the 'second Sam' or 'Sam squared'. Sometimes I feel that people are only polite and tolerant of me because they know my aunt or uncle. Do you feel the awkwardness I feel when standing next to friends of friends who I've seen all these years but never talk to? No you don't. And it has been all these years and I stand within a group of kids from RHCBC and feel isolated. They talk to them but not me. So I just smile and laugh at inside jokes when I have no clue what they are talking about. And that's what I'm afraid of. That is my reason why.
If you tried, you'd know. If you have ever been uprooted, you'd know. If you've ever been to a church for 9 months having no one know your name, you'd know. But you don't. You don't.
Every time I think about retreat I remember two things and mainly two things only: the mini musical we performed and the first day there I felt lonely and cried calling my mom to ask if I could go home which she refused and had Auntie Jo and Robyn chase me down to see what was wrong. What a contradiction. The reason why I disliked retreat was because I hated the games- I thought they were silly and stupid and felt embarrassed when participating. And that is just me. I just dont enjoy playing those kinds of games. Every time we played a game I'd get really nervous because I'd care what people thought of me. Silly isn't it. But you see, I really want to go to retreat. I want to be included and I want to have fun. I'm just afraid.
Perhaps you don't know why I spent so much time on the card beyond the fact that I really have nothing to do here- a simple piece of paper. Well after witnessing so many years of baptisms of people I don't know- I finally get to see one where I know one of the people getting baptized. Many years of hearing names of people I vaguely know and clapping politely watching their friends scramble up to the front to take their picture, perhaps this year I can support someone I know by just being there. I remember all those years, watching older teenagers getting baptized and hearing their friends scream and shout their name and I wondered: would anyone do the same for me? Would I hear my Christian friends calling my name? See, it goes beyond the act of baptism. For me it's a personal event to see a good friend make a declaration to the Lord and for everyone to see. The only baptism I remember that I knew someone was two years ago. And that has been the only one.
So I hope you understand all that I do is beyond mere appearances. If you delve deeper, you'll find someone who just wants to fit in with the rest of the church kids.
And yet I feel that I really have been too sensitive. Perhaps it's because it's almost 4am in the morning. I don't know. But I just wanted to let you know anyway.
Do not bother asking me for reasons why if you don't have the time or willingness to listen. I'd rather you have not asked. For I see people together laughing, friends conversing and I feel like an outsider pressing my face against the glass looking into this little world of the church which I still have not been able to access. I'm not being emo. For you have your own group of friends and people like Sam, Angie and Alex have their own. Friends like Jerry or Joyce or Vinci or Roz. People I have known since 2000 but don't really know. Always being referred to as 'Auntie Jo's niece' or 'Robyn's cousin' or 'Grace's cousin'? I am someone beyond the relations of these people. Beyond the 'second Sam' or 'Sam squared'. Sometimes I feel that people are only polite and tolerant of me because they know my aunt or uncle. Do you feel the awkwardness I feel when standing next to friends of friends who I've seen all these years but never talk to? No you don't. And it has been all these years and I stand within a group of kids from RHCBC and feel isolated. They talk to them but not me. So I just smile and laugh at inside jokes when I have no clue what they are talking about. And that's what I'm afraid of. That is my reason why.
If you tried, you'd know. If you have ever been uprooted, you'd know. If you've ever been to a church for 9 months having no one know your name, you'd know. But you don't. You don't.
Every time I think about retreat I remember two things and mainly two things only: the mini musical we performed and the first day there I felt lonely and cried calling my mom to ask if I could go home which she refused and had Auntie Jo and Robyn chase me down to see what was wrong. What a contradiction. The reason why I disliked retreat was because I hated the games- I thought they were silly and stupid and felt embarrassed when participating. And that is just me. I just dont enjoy playing those kinds of games. Every time we played a game I'd get really nervous because I'd care what people thought of me. Silly isn't it. But you see, I really want to go to retreat. I want to be included and I want to have fun. I'm just afraid.
Perhaps you don't know why I spent so much time on the card beyond the fact that I really have nothing to do here- a simple piece of paper. Well after witnessing so many years of baptisms of people I don't know- I finally get to see one where I know one of the people getting baptized. Many years of hearing names of people I vaguely know and clapping politely watching their friends scramble up to the front to take their picture, perhaps this year I can support someone I know by just being there. I remember all those years, watching older teenagers getting baptized and hearing their friends scream and shout their name and I wondered: would anyone do the same for me? Would I hear my Christian friends calling my name? See, it goes beyond the act of baptism. For me it's a personal event to see a good friend make a declaration to the Lord and for everyone to see. The only baptism I remember that I knew someone was two years ago. And that has been the only one.
So I hope you understand all that I do is beyond mere appearances. If you delve deeper, you'll find someone who just wants to fit in with the rest of the church kids.
And yet I feel that I really have been too sensitive. Perhaps it's because it's almost 4am in the morning. I don't know. But I just wanted to let you know anyway.
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