Henry Cloud: The Beginnings of a Book

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde

That's me here.
So I've started reading the book. He's basically setting up his arguments and really hasn't said much yet other than what I've read through those articles. However Andrew came up with this star system (upon my insistence for defined levels) which doesn't really change much but create a visual representation:
1 is msning another guy
2 is making a new guy friend (in person)
3 is a guy asking you out
4 is you asking a guy out
5 is having a date

I'm not sure how the first one would work considering my entire list of friends are about... 90% female unless I start adding people or people add me. Lol. In order not to be 'closed minded', I'll just leave it at that. However I don't think I should ask the guy out according to John Eldredge.
The other day as my roomie and I were talking about dating/crushes/guys, she said that if I ever came along that someone, she could imagine me pushing him away until he'd turn to my friends for information/help. Initially I thought that was really funny but for some strange reason, I could see that happening.
Anyway, Henry Cloud just described me:
Reasons for Not Meeting Requirements One: No New Eligibles
-you turn down invitations to go places because you don't ever think it will be worth it.
-you prejudge the kinds of people you will meet there and don;t think they will be eligibles
-you are not invited anywhere, so you do nothing to create new activities or places to go or other ways that might someone.
-the places you get invited to do not fit into your "narrow box of acceptable options."
-you have no confidence in the taste of the people who offer to introduce you to someone
-you are aware of dating services or other proven methods of meeting people, but have a stigma against them without trying them out.

HAHA. And then this:
No Interaction:
-"That is too forward. I could never do that."
-"I am too shy. It's too scary to walk up to someone and begin a conversation."
-"They will think I am hitting on them"
-"I look fat"
-"I'm not handsome"
-"I can't do that. I dont know anything about them. What if they don't share my same values?"
-"What if they don't like me? I might get rejected."

Okay, Mr Henry Cloud, let's just see how great your dating ideologies are.

Anyway this morning I wasn't feeling too great. I had to meet up with my Fashion Ind group at 8:30. I literally rolled out of bed, put glasses on and a hoodie over my tank top and shoved my boots into my pajama pants and crossed the street to school. LOL.
Well anyway one of the team members didnt show up... and we waited till 8:40 which seemed like ages to me and since the other design team member had class at 9am, we seperated. I crawled back into bed and then an hour later my cell rings and the guy asks me where I am. I was a little annoyed considering it seemed like we were supposed to WAIT for him until he arrived. Ends up he slept in and didnt wake till 8:30.
I've been quite annoyed lately. I thought 27 year olds were supposed to be more mature and responsible than 19 year olds but apparently that was not so. I ended up taking leadership over the project and today during crit, our teacher told us a lot of things we should not have done in executing the project.. which she never told us before and WANTED us to make those mistakes which just pissed me off because I'd rather prevent than learn when it's too late. Sigh. And she's trying to ween me off my life drawing skills and transcend into the world of fashion figures which are basically exaggerated stick insects and I dont' want to because I'm afraid I'll lose my skills in realism. But I guess I'll just have to suck it up and do it.

The Fundamentals of Children// Confusion// The Oscars

Whilst taking a shower, I was trying to figure out the energy and the cable/tv/internet bills to divide it between the two of us and I chuckled to myself as I remembered all the silly and useless cos, sin and tan stuff I had to learn back in gr 11. I mean, when will I have to find the maximum point of a tangent? All I really need is to know how to subtract, add, multiply and divide basic numbers. All the stuff you learned back in grade school.
Funny isn't it that as children, you learn the fundamentals at such a young age? All that you really need to know is taught to you when you're only six, seven and eight. You are taught 'Jesus died for you and He loves you.' And yet these simple things you learn in grade school takes a lifetime to understand.

So I got 'How to Get a Date Worth Keeping' today. I was talking to one of my team members today and she said the past night she exchanged a few angry words with her twin because she told her to go out more- to bars or whatever and meet people. Yet she understands the difficulty in meeting people here and that it's not that easy. Sometimes the more I keep reading all these books that are supposed to help me in my Christian walk, I get more confused. And the self dislike grows and my dissatisfaction builds. They tell me that shyness is a form of self centeredness and then others tell me that we are all created different and God loves us for who we are- outgoing or quiet. And then I'm too passive and then others tell me to just trust God. Who am I supposed to be? With all these different philosophies, theories and ideas swirling around my head, I get more lost in what was supposed to correct and clarify. And that is why I often shun books because they just confuse me even more. The other day my roommate and I started talking about dating and guys. She seemed really interested in my take on it because I don't openly say much about it. She asked me if I had a crush and concluded that I must have since I'm human. It's one of those topics I don't tend to touch because it seems so silly- girls giggling about boys. Yet the things we most desire are the things we least speak about. When I was writing that post about dating, I knew people were, in their good will, bestow me some Biblically sound advice. But sometimes people really don't need advice. The other day I remember watching or reading something that advised women to compliment men more to puff up their egos since they don't get that many compliments from their peers. Whether or not that is true, I don't know, but I do know that a sincere compliment goes a long way. We often say that we should look for affirmation from God, yet in knowing that, we're deprived of that kind of... vulnerability from human utterance. How many times in your life have you ever been told that you looked good or beautiful? I give this as an example because I say it's one of the least said compliments perhaps because it has extremely shallow connotations or because our perception of beauty is so narrow. But I just heard this on the Making of Marie Antoinette, and I quote from Oscar Wilde himself, "Only superficial people can't be superficial."

Oh here's an even better quote from 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'

People say sometimes that Beauty is only superficial. That may be so. But at least it is not so superficial as Thought is. To me, Beauty is the wonder of wonders. It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

So I have to mention something about the Oscars! I watched the entire thing while doing work and luckily the stars came in packs and early for the event so I got to see all the dresses. The best ones? Cate Blanchett was stunning in Armani Prive couture, Reese Witherspoon was smouldering in Olivier Theyskens and her bangs, and Helen Mirren proved that age is beautiful in Christian Lacroix. Helen Mirren really took the cake with her silver hair:


Here were some all right ones with Eva Green in Givenchy, Rinko Kikuchi in Chanel (she's cute) and Penelope Cruz in... I think Dior or was it Versace. Anyway, I'm not fond of the feather skirt but the bodice is beautifully executed.

Okay well if you're someone like me, you'll notice there were a lot of look-a-like gowns that were worn previously on the red carpet. For example, Nicole Kidman's 'huge bow on shoulder' dress looked similar to Charlize Theron's Dior 'huge bow on shoulder' dress from last year. So did Penelope Cruz with Theron's dress in the past. Anyway, that's my commentary on the entire Oscars for you. :P Meryl Streep didn't win 'Best Actress' but it was funny nevertheless when Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt came on stage asking who got the cappuccino for her and Meryl Streep gives them a cold stare for a full minute while everyone burst out laughing. And then today I was doing my midterm project and discussed what colour walls would compliment the garments and I held up a swatch of pink and another swatch of pink with a slight tint of purple. And I just had to say it, "It's hard to say... they're so different" LOL. Anyway, when I came back I had to watch the Devil Wears Prada again.

The Birth of a Collection

So for my Fashion Ind: Design midterm project is to create a collection of eight looks with a marketing student and another design student.
How is that done?
By creating a concept. To create a concept, the designer goes out and finds inspiration through travel, photographs or whatever that ignites the imagination. For our concept, I thought of the events that will take place next year to mark 2008. And since the Olympics are coming up, I decided to examine athletic wear through shapes, cuts and mixing it in with the slow-paced partaking of tea. Speed and agility vs. ritual. If this line really was to be sold, by the time it trickles down to the lower level market (Devil Wears Prada), the Olympics will have arrived which will coincide with the trend for athletic wear. The image research I did of Nike, Puma, Stella McCartney for Adidas, the Olympic architecture currently being built in Beijing as well as tea ceremony, porcelain, Victorian tea dresses and English architecture. I'm a believer that one does not solely find inspiration from costume history because the product of your collection will just look like things that have already been created in the past. Here's a pic of all the research I've done along the twenty two fabric swatches we collected and a list of potential competitors and price points.



The images are then selected and compiled onto a 'Mood Board' which is basically an inspiration board to show others what kind of atmosphere or mood the designer wants to convey.

From there the designer starts sketching out as many variations and ideas as possible. The more the better.





I must have drawn at least twenty five sketches and only four whole outfits were selected along with one or two elements from others. Hence staying up till 4am feverishly drawing and living on six hours of sleep today while dashing between getting groceries and juggling three projects.
Now what? Well we all got together today and they eliminated the ones that didn't appeal to them and picked the ones they liked. The girl who I am collaborating with only drew about five outfits.... Dude, you can't draw only ten designs if eight are picked. Usually one does forty designs for a set of eight to be selected. She also can't draw figures that well so I offered to draw all eight and she asked what then she should do. So in order not to offend her she's drawing four and I am drawing four... except our styles are different yet she insists that she can imitate my style pretty well. However if one cannot draw very well, how can someone imitate another's style? It worries me because it's a group grade. I don't want to sound arrogant or mean about it, but I'd rather me do all the drawing.
Anyway so tomorrow we're meeting up to examine the final drawings (minus pen and marker) and hopefully it'll go well. Then the marketing comes in with price points, interior layouts, logos, company name, customer demographics etc.

Mmmm I can't wait to wake up tomorrow. Blueberry scone with imported English clotted cream for breakfast. :D Guess what?? I made mashed potatoes on my own from scratch! Haha. Someone, give me a gold star! I also got chocolate cheesecake ingredients to make a small cake for one of the girls who work in our department office because she's been so helpful and patient with me and my roomie and we feel bad for always asking her crap when it's our advisor's job to do so.
So we're watching 'Marie Antoinette' again because it's the crappiest and prettiest film ever. If you want to watch it for historical content, don't. If you want to watch it for historically accurate costumes, watch it. It's not worth watching because there's no climax and Sophia Copolla emphasizes on all the wrong points of her life (ie no execution). If you had no idea who Marie Antoinette was, you'd think it was a documentation of the most lavish parties in French 18th century history.
Anyway so we decided, my roomie and I, when the weather gets warmer (as if it wasn't freakishly warm enough now.. it's spring down here), we're going to go to Central Park and have an extremely lavish picnic with scones, English imported cream, cupcakes, fruit etc and we'll buy two yards of brocade to sit on.

No wonder we don't have boyfriends.

The Definition of Art// The Death of Originality

Pictures taken at the windows of Bergdorf


What is Art?

The most dreaded question us art students face and the most cliche question an art professor could ask his or her art class on the first day of school.

After reading the incomprehensible section on Nelson Goodman's take on art, I must say that we really have been asking the wrong question all along. If we cannot answer the simple question of the identity of art, how can we then, create art and discern what art is?

And Goodman came up with a good answer. We have just been simply asking the wrong question. The better question to ask is "when is art?" You can place a steel pipe in a gallery and call it art yet take it out of context of a museum and use it to connect it to a complex drainage system, it's no longer art. So is the Mona Lisa still Art if used as a door stopper? Is a Monet still Art if used as a seat of a chair?
And yet, what is Good Art? These are the sins of most artists/designers who end up settling for the mediocre according to our design philosophy teacher:
-Firstly, not trying
-The artist does not create a new world (perspective)
-Does not think
-Ignores exemplification

He said the last was the greatest mistake most designers make because it is the most difficult. We asked him what he meant and to give us a definition of what 'exemplification' is. He said this:

A mode of reference that goes forth, calls attention to, heightens the properties BUT not all and these properties heighten forth the qualities of itself.

Crap. I am so screwed. I understand the definition but that is so difficult. He gave us the example of the film 'Blair Witch Project' which uses the frame of the actual camera to create fear. The presence of the framed image of the film heightens the feeling of fear in the absence of the feared object itself. Or another good example is he gave was:

White

The word 'white' which I just typed out is not white but black but because it heightens the presence of black it calls out the characteristics of its 'whiteness'.

I went into this slight depression at the thought that there were an extremely small number of good artists by the definition of Goodman. Particularly in fashion which revels in the fact that something will be 'in' for a month will be laughed at come two weeks. Fashion understands the cyclical structure it bases itself upon to recycle old ideas and peddle them as new but keenly aware that everyone knows its nothing new.

So where then, is fashion going to go if it is in a constant circle? If we constantly reference to the past, how can we go towards the future? The most ironic thing is that this year, designers have been showing 'Futurism' in their collections yet their idea of 'Futurism' includes geometric shapes, robotic sheaths, and metallics which is so.... 80s? Even our ideas of the future are based on what we used to think. Designers have been just blowing the dust of our old ideas of 'Futurism' and using them as if they were our newest concepts of our future. Silly.

Yet my Fashion Ind: Design teacher reminded me that we cannot create a future from nothing. You cannot propel yourself into the future when there is nothing to create from something that is unknown. What we must do is then take inspiration from the past, create something for the present to be used in the future. I'll have to settle with that and hope that one day God will reveal to me a different way of designing.

So to say that Art is easy to create, produce and that art students, unlike our science/math counterparts or whatever major there is out there, have little homework- think again. For with these definitions in mind, the Artist is laden with a heavy burden. If everything has been done, what left is there for the Artist to create?

My design philosophy teacher is really smart. An eccentric little man who wears the same thing every week to the point his sweater is fraying and the interfacing is showing through the holes of his blazer. He really is a caricature of himself.

Last week he asked us what 'cool' meant. What is the definition of 'cool'? After pondering for a minute, he told us his definition of 'cool':

"To display a preference for the inferior."

Hm, good definition. I remember watching a documentary of companies that do 'Cool Hunts' where teens would use potential products and see if they were good or not and what would be deigned as 'cool'.

And what cool is is usually what everyone is not save a few. To be 'cool' is to be different and ahead of everyone else. This is most apparent in the realm of fashion where certain items of clothing are considered 'weird' or 'different' prior to its time in the closets of the masses. Slowly as designers feature collections with these 'weird' items, they begin to gain acceptance and they become 'in'. Those who wear them are considered 'cool' yet ironically are only living in trends rather than creating them. Then as the trend dies down, it becomes 'passe' and out. Those who are considered 'weird' then are technically the 'cool' ones. And to be cool is to know your self.

It always seems easy to look into the lives of others and point out their future paths- their SHAPE and the roads that they should take... yet we find it so difficult to see that in ourselves. I was watching Spiderman 2, Jurassic Park and Mulan, Hercules and a slew of other Disney movies and though they seemed confused about their own purpose in life, they eventually find it. So how and when will I find mine? I feel so confused right now as I stand here watching every day unravel. My heart is not content in settling in New York yet returning to Toronto would be the death of the artist/designer in me (unless a miracle takes place and they decide to give a darn about art/design in the supposed world city Toronto is. I believe it's inching slowly forward by private collectors etc with the renovations of the AGO and ROM but the Distillery is in shambles).

Anyway I decided to put up a new banner because I got bored of the old one. I get bored of pictures quite quickly and constantly need new things to satisfy the eyes and since I was writing a post on Art, I decided to change it. I thought perhaps by asking the question of "What is Art" could be a nice way of debuting another 'new' banner. I wasn't looking to be original, I just wanted something different for a change and less colourful. I was considering doing each poster according to the styles of different art movements but I got a little lazy. It's called 'static motion' to call to attention the beauty of a single moment through a single snapshot hence the grainy overlay I added. It was either going to be velvety smooth like some fashion ad or with a lot of textural grain and I felt a little silly making it appear 'fashion' and I like the grittiness of the spackling effect. This was taken at the MOMA. It was basically a room full of these plaster 'bookshelves' which suggest the presence of books with the use of negative space. It was on absence and presence, haunting and poetic.


I was inspired by Art Nouveau- a movement we had to study for History of Design. I used to dismiss this movement as just a bunch of organic lines seen in this poster for ciggies. But I read this essay that described the philosophy behind it. Artists at the time (1890's) were inspired by the French Symbolist movement within literature which rejected realism and favoured the sensual. Hence Art Nouveau artists moved away from historicism and into the first step to Modern Art. Organic lines were used to heighten sensual perception. Women were idealized without status, class or age and were often seen living a carefree lifestyle. Hair and clothing became abstracted on the figure to create more movement and heighten feminine sexuality through the long, flowing locks (hence in the 1920's when the flapper look came in and women cut all their hair off to create bobs, it was a shock since it was a symbol of feminity). I guess for all you Moulin Rouge fans out there, this was the time of when the movie took place. Did you know the 'Tolouse Lautrec' which was portrayed as a writer in the film actually existed NOT as a writer but an artist? Unlike the one in Moulin Rouge who was poor, he was actually extremely rich and did not need to work but he pursued this new form of art. The only sameness they share is their physical features which are actually quite similar. Actually he did the poster on the right with the cabaret dancer.

The 1890's was also a time where in graphic design text, content and frame were integrated together as one where the text became part of the overall piece rather than its own seperate boxed out entity like Medieval manuscripts. The philosophy behind Art Nouveau was the integration of ornament in design where ornament would become more than just mere decoration and achieve the status of art. Wow. The more I study art, the more I am enjoying the different ideologies within the design and I'm blown away.

Anyway, I wanted to get that same organic quality within this banner. Since I'm intimidated of Photoshop and don't have the ability to download brushes/stamps of curlicues and swirls, I came up with this gimmick back in high school. I downloaded many elaborate script fonts which I then blew up and rotated them around to give the appearance of the brushes you find on Photoshop. Hence if you look closely at the banner, you can see all the swirls are in fact, not just some decorative detail, but letters... especially 'F'. Hey it works.

Btw I received 'The History of Beauty' from Amazon today. Cackle. It looks like an amazing book on the philosophy of beauty and the sublime with many many pictures as examples of beauty in erotic, sensual, grotesque, the disquieting, the helpless feminine, religion etc.

How do you grieve loss?
You really can't. It's something so profoundly within the depths of your being, you can only feel it.
I haven't been blogging much because my two friends from the UN crew came from Toronto to visit me for five days. We dubbed it the UN crew because there's one Filipino/Caucasian, Caucasian, two Chinese and one Sri Lankan. Though the people within this group have changed over the years (we used to have a Russian and an American), some of us have stuck even though we've all gone on our own ways.
Initially I was reluctant to let them stay in my apartment (there was a mix up with the hotel they were intending to stay at) due to space and homework issues, but now I'm extremely glad that they did. Over the past few days I've been exploring New York with the two of them from Chinatown (to eat the crappiest dim sum I've ever had.. I've never seen such small pork buns in my entire life), Soho, Nolita, Upper East Side, Madison Ave, Fifth Ave etc. Within the past five days I've gone to:
Columbus Circle
Metropolitan Museum of Art: to take Vanessa and to see the couture exhibit.. one woman owns the most ginormous couture closet I have ever seen.. and we're not allowed to take pictures of it. How retarded is that. I can take pictures of a Vermeer or a Rembrandt but not an Yves Saint Laurent. Whatever, I snuck some. I've never seen so many people in just one exhibit.
Soho shops
Madison Avenue shops: Good for researching my midterm project... I was examining the $500 scarves at Hermes through the window to see their famous 'hand rolled hems' and this black guy approaches me and says "Girl, you must be doing well if you can afford that kind of stuff." I'd be inside if I were rich enough, not outside.
Museum of Modern Art: The most interesting interpretations of what art is:

No, that's not the wall she's staring quizzically at, but a painting. Yes, if anyone wants this, I can paint you one for Christmas. It'll be tough but I think with all my fine arts background, I can paint you a block of colour. Is this art?? I had no idea what the heck it was supposed to symbolize. Can any NBA fans or ballers out there tell me:

Anyway after having enough of Modern 'Art', we went to eat at the caf and the food took so long that the manager
just gave it to us for free. Sweet, $24 lunch on the house.
Chinatown for Chinese New Year: We were literally being crushed by a mob of people. I didn't want to die trying to get to the dimsum restaurant. The dimsum was pretty unsatisfying. The buns were about the size of typical Toronto shrimp dumplings (2-2.5 inches in diameter) and we each had to pay $10 and I was still hungry. However we did go to a gelato shop and had the yummiest ice cream. Drool. I tried the 'Thai Chili Chocolate'- cool to the taste but spicy on the tongue.
Whole Foods: organic grocery store... Julia is obsessed with it and we've been eating freshly made peanut butter with spoons. It's good.
Bloomingdales: Well we also went to Macys but Bloomingdales is higher end and Julia wanted to find some flavour spray (zero calories and sugar and fat). Since I hadn't given Vanessa a present for Christmas, I wanted to buy her something and I knew she wanted sunglasses so we stood at the counter perusing the cheaper BCBGs and Marc by Marc Jacobs glasses in hopes of finding a good pair. Since any foreigners can get a 11% discount card with id, Vanessa picked a pair and put it on hold so that she could get the card and buy the glasses when she returned. When they were going to Customer Service, I whispered to the lady that I wanted to pay for it and she said, "okay, darling. I understand. I'll have it over here and you can give me your card when you come back". So I get the card and am poised with my credit card to pay for her sunglasses. Vanessa realizes what's happening as I give her the credit card yet in my stupidity, I forgot to give the cashier the 11% discount card so she has to use my card again. Vanessa quickly grabs onto my plastic and both wrists as I'm struggling to give her my card. Anyway the cashier takes her card to my dismay yet when I got loose with one arm, the cashier took my card and handed Vanessa back hers... and throughout all this time, Julia is standing in the back not helping me. I asked her why she didn't help me pay, and she told me she wanted to see if the "little one could win". -_- Anyway I got out of the store with burning chalky red wrists.
Food: I ate so much the past few days... expensive and my food budget has skyrocketed but I did help make a vegetarian lasagna:

I had tons of fun the past five days. During the last hour of their stay, I asked my roomie to take a few pictures of us before they had to get on a taxi to the airport, and she said she has never seen me so sentimental.
I am a very sentimental person in terms of holding onto memories and remembering what I love most. I miss them already. I see a lot of myself within them and the differences between us that make us fit so well together. The first night that they were here, my roomie's friends were over and they were all a little drunk and being rowdy. All of us were on my side of the room in our pjs and just trying to relax but one of her friends (who also coincidentally is from Toronto), sits next to Julia and asks her if she drinks. She said "no" and he asked her what she did for fun then. Slightly annoyed she replied "well I guess I don't have fun then."
So now they've gone. The empty floor once occupied by two sleeping bags leaves an imprint of the memories of two friends who have come and gone.

Amazon Addiction// My Raw Thoughts on Dating

Amazon makes it too easy to buy books. You just click a few times and whoosh! You have just purchased another $40 worth of books. Crap.

So last night after having somewhat of the oddest conversation with Andrew on dating, I ended up buying two books on Amazon. The second one I picked up at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and liked the content.. it's by this famous guy who wrote several essays and books mostly on culture and philosophy. This one is a historical and cultural examination and deals with the everchanging ideals of beauty not only in face but also in mathematical symmetry and the grotesque. I can't wait to get this one...

Ah and then there's the first one.

The first one I'm still a little cautious about because the ideas are so contrary to Joshua Harris' 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'- the book which we all went by back in high school. Andrew sent me the following two sites as a 'reply' to my previous post at the chocolate bar:

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/163/story_16300_1.html

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/163/story_16302_1.html

If you want to hear one girl's thoughts on guys and dating. Here it is in the most raw form I can express it in. And in my most humblest, vulnerable self. In terms of this topic on dating, I usually dislike showing an interest to it because I take pride in not expressing a desire to find someone else. I've always wanted to look put together and fulfilled as a Christian. So do whatever you like with the following thoughts but bear in mind, it's nothing to take lightly:

At the end of the weirdest, most hysterical conversation I've had, I ended up parting with Andrew's 'wisdom':

-Go to an online dating service (haha)

-Go on dates with both non christians and christians since I am in New York City which is apparently 'the place' to be. As Andrew says "it's the "city" in " sex and the city" for crying out loud" ROFL.

I can't believe that's the Christian advice I got but I'm a little skeptical because 1) I'm too proud to go to a dating service and just the label seems to blatantly obvious for your reasons for going and it makes me feel weird. 2) It sounds a little desperate. 3) Henry Cloud's definition of 'dating' just seems like 'chilling'

But perhaps I am desperate- not really at this point just because I want to graduate anyway and constantly traveling. Or perhaps I just don't really like the idea of ever having to say "we met on an online dating service". Doesn't sound that romantic.

But perhaps those couples who met online will have the last laugh while I'm a sorry loser stuck in an apartment with nowhere to go. Perhaps, as the sermon was based on today, God works outside the box we've constructed for Him even in terms of dating and marriage in ways I do not want to perceive or wish to consider. It's true that I am passive because I don't really take initiative in doing anything about it. I remember reading 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' and going to an 'Acquire the Fire' conference and they both asked for people to refrain from dating for a year... which personally was not a biggie for me since all I really have to do is continue to be me. At times I kind of hoped that this would be some test and someone could come along the way during that course of the year. If I committed to refrain from whatever possible dating for that year, God would try me by sending someone. It was like I was asking for a temptation in order to know that I'm not some ugly, unattractive person. I guess it's affirmation. Sad, but true. And even after that 'commitment', I've still taken the same course of action and demeanour of being myself which apparently seems not 'good enough'. I remember whenever some girl friend of mine would confide in me that "so and so" likes me, I would feel simultaneously happy/grossed out (depending on whether or not she liked him back) yet in the back of my mind, wonder why nobody ever has ever admitted that to me (if there was one ever which I doubt). For example, Dor, who I mentioned earlier who has so many guys who are attracted to her. I am not jealous but it makes me question myself. It can be humiliating at times to be asked that and wondering to yourself whether there's something wrong with you or something that has to be fixed. It's something Christians would chide you for but yes, the questions of "is it because I'm not pretty/good looking enough?" or "is it because I'm not outgoing enough?" or "is it because I don't share the same sense of humour?". All these things run through my head yet I'm always told that my energy should be spent on my relationship with God rather than trying to answer these questions. Yet they're still there. Yes you can tell me that I should focus on God and put Him first but I end up doing what the girl did in the article. Just expect Him to drop someone by. I think He works that way yet also pushes others to get out of their shell. What do I know? I love God, I know He is the only one who can fulfill me. You don't have to tell me that. What I just said is still based on that raw sense of loneliness and fear. It's not something I can explain fully but rest assure, this is something I don't like to speak of because it makes me feel so-so much like a failure in this aspect of life. So human. I have a wonderful family, a great set of close friends from different areas/interests of my life, and I'm a good student going to a questionnably great school. Why I am lacking in one 'department' so much over the others.. I don't know. It usually goes along the lines of either if I was interested in someone, he's not interested in me or I'm just not interested (aka old men or men who whistle at me).

Andrew said perhaps I could be going out on four dates a week instead of sitting here blogging if I so did follow Cloud's advice... but I resent that comment a little because I like blogging so why replace it with something when I enjoy it in the first place? And what reason would there be for you to be reading this, when you simply have the option of going to another page if you wish to do so? It's not like I'm here pressuring you to read every entry.

As of now I'll just wait for my books to come and read his arguments before judging them. And the both of us made a semi deal that if he tries the service, I'll do it. lol. I think I'll back out for now because it sounds totally absurd.

A Grave and Moral Issue

So here I am.
I just came back from the second annual Careers with a Conscience Fair.
How did it go?
I went to the Edun booth and lined up for about half an hour to talk to the two women at the table. And in a nutshell, I basically told them I would get them coffee right now if they wanted me to (literally). I totally sounded like I was begging and they seemed really amused by me. They basically asked me what I did and why I wanted to work for them and what was Edun.
I just sounded like a blubbering idiot there when they asked me the last question.. I think I was just nervous but anyway, that's why I blog/write rather than talk.. because when I open my mouth, in my head I'm asking myself why I decided to speak in the first place. Here, I can sound eloquent and edit everything if I wanted to (grammar wise. Rarely content) and take as long as I want to think.
So what can I do? They gave me their cards and a Press Kit. All I can really do now is pray and do a follow up within the next week. I'm trusting God on this one. As much as I itch to want to do something about it, I know I can't. However that means I'd be constantly thinking about it 24/7- worrying about it rather than trusting. So God grant me peace and to understand what it really means to rely on you for the source of everything.

So yesterday on my super romantic day (haha) I went to watch a free screening of 'The Inconvenient Truth' with Robyn (my date. jk) I know it was a documentary, but some parts made me tear because I feel so strongly about this issue.
No I'm not the poster child for the environmental movement. I myself am extremely lazy at times and have a hard time doing what is right. But there was this part where Al Gore talks about the devastating events that will take place within a decade if we don't do anything now. I know many people are interested in going to China either for work or missions. Let me tell you something, if we continue to ignore this crisis, millions of people are going to die in Shanghai and Beijing and all those who are situated along the Yangtze River. The very place where you want to teach or help the poor or set up churches is going to get flooded. In other parts of China, the land is dry and parched with little water to spare. And what will you tell them when they're wondering why God let all this happen to them? As we get richer and richer and continue old traditions of production and industrialization, the poor are the first to be impacted by the environmental effects. For those of you who want to go to Japan, ten hurricanes hit the country last year. A number that people in the past said was impossible. Something closer to home, if Greenland and Antarctica partially melts, the lower parts of Manhattan will be submerged (thankfully I'm not exactly there but still).
So ladies and gentlemen, this is no longer just a 'green' issue. It's a moral issue. Whether or not you give a darn about the environment, no longer can we procrastinate and push this problem behind us. I see a lot of parallels between environmental devastation and Christianity. A lot of things Al Gore said could have been replaced with 'Jesus', 'God' and 'love' and you'd get a sermon. For many of us don't realize we need to accept the gift of God until it's too late. For Paul it may have been the road to Damascus: what would it take for us to be shaken up enough to do anything in terms of the environment? What life changing experience do we need to be put into action? Do we really need to see hundreds of thousands of people die in order to wake up? Like the body of Christ, the environment is an intricuate system where if one part is affected, the rest of it suffers. Just look at Haiti's sad story and the reason why it's beyond 'hope' to save.
Psalms is full of naturalistic imagery. I just finished Songs of Songs and it compares the body with flora and fauna. The majority of you are familiar with these lyrics, 'Lord of all creation. Of heaven, earth and sky.' from 'God of Wonders'. If we take inspiration from nature and produce/use/consume products, the exact thing that we are taking inspiration from, we are destroying. We are destroying the very beauty in which we draw from. William Morris, a famous anti-industrialization designer sums it up,
Anyhow, however it be done, unless people care about carrying on their business without making the world hideous, how can they care about Art?
He then continues to acknowledge the dificulties in that creating excellent products takes more time and energy yet at least it is work of excellence. I liked the essay I read of his- a pure Socialist- but there are flaws in his ways of production.
We are all very good at removing ourselves away from the natural environment. Hello, I live in Manhattan where the only square footage of grass you'll see is in Central Park. As humans, we are good at suppressing the environment. The Three Gorges Dam in China was recently finished. We buy land and cut down trees and command the land to grow wheat. We then see a more attractive option: sell the fields and turn it into real estate. My favourite field in Toronto- it was a rolling hill where if you gazed out into the horizon, there would not be even a single tree. It was just flat and empty and spoke greatly of the stillness and of God. Every time I drove to school (we had to due to bus difficulties in the beginning of the year), I would take much pleasure at just gazing at the line where land and sky met. Because it was rare and beautiful. How many times do you see a rolling plain without even so much as a tree or a house? Hardly. We are so cluttered. And now, when I returned for the holiday, I found that they were constructing houses there.
My point is that we try so hard to tame the land, that soon it will be untamable. Look at Lord of the Rings, Saruman, the Ents turned on him and overthrew his tower. Haha. I vouched for that movie to be played during Earth Week.
After I watched the documentary, I felt like writing to Pastor Francis because I feel like the church hardly addresses any of these issues. We care about saving people yet not the very place which nourishes us. I don't want to sound preachy, but it really bothers me that we use styrofoam cups during the break between worship and CD team. People just take three sips and discard the cup into the garbage. Can you imagine how many of those are in the landfill? Used for three seconds, disposed of in two, yet takes four hundred years to fully decompose. Styrofoam bothers me in general. Our family now takes the initiative to keep plastic boxes in the trunk of our car and bring it in to put all our leftovers in.
The dilemma is that the baby boomers, our parents, are the ones who need to teach sustainability yet do not know how to live sustainably. Ironic isn't it. So I believe it is up to our generation to do something about it. We all have the desire to find a wife/husband. For Christians, the number one reason for sex is to procreate (okay I skipped that first part of the Relationship series on that during Salt but I trust it's Biblical truth), and if it really is to have children, then do we not want them to witness the physical beauty of God's glory?
As a fellow Christian, I want to ask all the members of this body of Christ to stop pushing this issue behind them. If your desire and passion is to serve in the mission field out there somewhere, do us all a favour, and start indirectly helping others by taking responsibility in your daily routines. You know, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. The primary fault is the fault of the designer. And by the designer, I mean everyone who creates: scientists, chemists, product designers, electrical engineers, teachers, artists, filmmakers, graphic designers etc. Yet I believe God gave us the gift of knowledge to change that and if we were all motivated to do so, design can become a powerful tool to fight global warming just by changing the way we live be it the way we eat, the way we travel, the way we work or the way we dress. First change yourself and then transform the lives of others.

Sorry I always end up babbling. One thing I've noticed is how much garbage the movie industry makes. I don't mean moral/mental garbage but literal garbage. I was watching the Special Features dvd of Lemony Snickets and everything was shot on created sets.. which were then just disposed of. They even created huge pools and that in itself took tons and tons of water. Then again, I hate CG. Anyway, after the screening and a very poorly put together discussion panel, we went back to my place and baked Pillsbury heart cookies and watched had a Kirsten Dunst fest with 'Bring it On' and 'Marie Antoinette'. Haha. Relatively lighthearted compared to what we saw earlier.

Now we're watching 'Return of the King' again.. haha.. Aragorn is pretty hot and I love the themes of unity, hope, friendship, and humility which surface over time. This movie is so great. :D

Valentine's Day

Taken at the famous Dillon's Candy Store next to Serendipity's.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I was deciding whether or not to post this after the day has passed so in order to reflect on what has happened.. but screw it. I love blabbering away and I think I can afford to write two posts on Valentine's Day (which usually occurs at 1am in the morning). I'm not going to post something hateful about the holiday nor criticize the materialistic view we have taken upon it either... I'm just going to wish you guys all a Happy Valentine's day and I hope God has been able to fulfill and complete you just as He has done for me... I love you guys all very much and I appreciate all of you. Thank you for blessing me with your time, effort, patience, love and care. My life is enriched because I've gotten to know you. And I praise God because He's given you guys as friends. I don't want anyone moping or else I'll really have to go out and buy you some chocolate.
Unfortunately this year I can't hold any party due to... laziness and the lack of inspiration.
Today I decided to kick myself and go to a church friend's party... she literally had 35 friends at the chocolate bar. Dude, that's as many friends as I have if I pulled them all over the world. Some people are just that.... good and attractive. Anyway my roomie and I were watching Marie Antoinette and so we paused it until I returned.
This time I decided to not sit with the Parsons group (there were only five of us and everyone else was from NYU) and force myself to be more social and constantly had to keep telling myself people think better of me than I think of myself (I'm not saying it in a prideful way). When I went in, some guy yells 'over here!' which confused me because he didn't register in my head.. turns out he was the b day girl's dorm neighbour and whose place I've often infested and watched movies at. He's a good guy. We started talking about film because he's an NYU film major and I asked if he saw Lemony Snicketts in which he replied with a resounding yes. I mentioned how I was so astounded by the details put into the film (more on this later) and he said he thought film was the epitome of art because it incorporates all art forms into one. He mentioned the costumes were amazing in the film in which I eagerly started babbling away because he actually noticed! So good. I told him to concentrate on cinematography thought he wants to do Special Effects or Editing and everything else.
Anyway I sat at the head of the super long table and it was super awkward because I knew no one and those people just so happened not to know each other either. At those times, I just want to leave and hide. And then it just so happens my end of the table were all guys. One of them who looked like some Asian 'rocker' tells me that I look familiar and if I go to Remnant Westside. I said yes and he introduces himself as 'Jean' (I think... why I am so horrible with names). Later on he tells me that he actually plays on the worship team and he probably saw me from the stage. And then it gets really awkward sitting there with several guys so I volunteered to take pictures for the birthday girl because I didn't really have a present nor had much to say to the people there. Anyway I did end up successfully having a conversation with some 24 year old guy who wouldn't tell me his age. It seems that having lived in HK is a good way to strike up conversation/small talk. He thought I was 18 and accused me of lying when I told him I was 5'8". He thought I was 5'6". Blow to my ego. Haha.
I think he was trying to pay me a compliment,
Him: You kind of remind me of my cousin because you have the same hair... except you're taller... and more- fashionable.
Me: Oh yeah.... haha (I wasn't sure what to say. Talk about socially inept)
Him: I like your dress with the (makes gesture at waist)
Me: You mean the belt?
Him: Yes.
Which reminded me of something I read in Vogue the other week. Men only understand the hourglass figure with the waist cinched. I'm not sure why. Give them the Empire outline (cinched under the bust and flowing out), they get confused. I laughed because it reminded me of that one time some of the Slingers were grabbing a bite to eat at Tim Hortons and Andrew mentioned how maternity wear must be in when he saw Sarah's pink empire line shirt. So funny. Sarah looked either disgusted or horrified.

I guess it was pretty good and I survived. I do want to meet people but I just really shy and brain freeze takes over and I can't seem to carry a conversation properly without appearing awkward.

I had a good day today. My video teacher spent an additional hour showing me step by step how to transfer video files from camera to Final Cut Pro and how to make a dvd. I was so humbled by her eagerness to help without any hesitations. She has so much patience. I felt so bad for taking all her time yet extremely grateful because I would not have been able to do it without her.
As for my first class, I unfortunately got a 'B' on my first writing assignment on the analysis of a certain shopping district. Apparently I misread the instructions and was too broad and didn't focus on one certain store. Anyway the good thing was that she quoted me while she was discussing our midterm assignment. I wrote that many designer stores hold very little merchandise and their displays show very few products because the 'scarcity' makes the merchandise appear to be rare thus higher in value. Psychologically it seems like you're buying something 'one of a kind'. She said it was a very interesting idea. Ya, the teacher quoted me! :P
Another good thing was that we got to do more life drawing today except with marker which I've never done with the body. So I basically started experimenting with two shades for four three minute poses:



The model is pretty tall and curvy. Literally all fashion poses look like this: rock the shoulders one way and the hips the other way. Anyway, we learned about draping today which was funny because I've been studying drapery since... gr 8? I don't know but I remember one of the tests for the Arts York auditions was to draw this looped ribbon. I like drawing drapery. So this was my first experimentation with marker. She told us to first draw the figure in pencil and then after the gesture was in, to draw the body outline and then the drapery but I wanted to challenge myself and drew the entire thing with marker. So much fun, I love gesture drawing. It gives me pleasure to express the body in this creative medium. I think it was a 8-10 minute study:


I like it. I got kind of lost with the markers... and the teacher starts looking at each student's final product and she takes a look at mine and says, "wow that's big."
Ms Chelin always taught us to draw big so I draw big while everyone drew 10 inch figures, I drew a 24 inch figure. Anyway she picks it up and shows it to the class and says "wow isn't this lovely? It's got great movement. However the head is a bit too big" Despite the minute crit (which I'm fully aware of but I love drawing big heads.. it's fun), I was literally glowing. It made my day. I did, however, write 'smaller head' on the drawing to remind me of my constant mistake in order to improve.
We also got our midterm assignment (due in two weeks) where we have to get into groups of three (two design students and one marketing) and create a collection with eight looks, have a price point, ideal customer with demographics, mood board, logo etc. This is huge. You don't understand. I could do this all alone easily but to collaborate is harder because all our perspectives and visions are different. So hopefully the other design student and I get along well.
I realized that, more than just being better than all the other students and getting a great grade, the stakes have been raised because I need a portfolio to show potential intern and career places. While fashion students naturally acquire a portfolio with their projects, I have nothing to show as of yet which really is a disadvantage. So now I'm basically trying to produce the best work for myself- not because of the grade or to be better than others, but to display my talent for future work. Suddenly my expectations from myself have been raised because I'm basically competing with myself only to create a portfolio through this class.

So what am I doing for Valentine's Day? I'm going to one class and doing my design history reading and then watching a free screening of 'The Inconvenient Truth' with Robyn. I know, it's so unromantic but I'm hoping to be inspired and more socially aware through this film. After that we're baking those premade Pillsbury V-day cookies and then we'll watch some sappy movie.... or maybe Good Will Hunting since I read Andrew's blog. Haha. Or maybe Marie Antoinette for pure eye candy (dont watch it because it sucks besides the visuals. It literally is eye candy: shallow, sugary and not much else).
Crap it's 3:30am. This was meant to be a short post. What have I done? I have to sleep.

Re-examining The Person that I've Become

Ugh. did not have a good day today for the most part due to lack of sleep. Last night I was very grateful to have friends like Andrew and Dor who were on at 3am when I was so frustrated and they were there to just let me vent. As I was drifting to sleep, I thanked God for such friends that I am so undeserving of. Anyway it was Robyn's birthday today and we celebrated at Serendipity: that cafe made famous after the self-titled movie was shot there. Above is the birthday girl in a dress I gave her as a gift. :) Here at Dillon's Candy Store:

Hey they even have a bin that was signed by Sean Astin of Samwise Gamgee from LOTR! :D

I was watching bits of Harry Potter and he always has someone to bail him out in the end. I guess that does echo reality, because in order to be the 'hero' of our own story, we must allow the other characters help us reach that state of heroism. Except I like LOTR better and I'd use the Sam-Frodo analogy. :P

I just realized that I'm going to be twenty in exactly three months from Robyn's birthday. How depressing. As Robyn said, I can be called "twenteen". Lol.

I went back to the thrift store today and bought the other two encyclopedias (they also have random Bible stories which I'm not too fond of. I'd rather them stick more words into one book): 'Jeri' to 'jose' and 'reu' to 'saty'. It's kind of neat because I was reading up on the word 'Man' and it even mentions the very same thing about Eve and 'helpmeet' as was written in 'Captivating'. I'm excited to use them. Last night I was able to understand Songs of Songs more with the help of the encyclopedia at hand.

I just completed this Enneagram type test that Andrew sent me (http://www.testcafe.com/enn/: find more in depth stuff from him like compatibility, strengths/weaknesses etc), and I came out as a Loyalist (type six) who is described as "Type Six is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious. " Makes me sound so bad. Even worse:

Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
Basic Desire: To have security and support

Discretion: though I do not believe that these tests speak absolute truth about a person, I think you really can gain insight into your own self and affirm fears that you were never sure of. The weirdest thing about this test is that I'm under the 'Thinking Triad'. Now wait a minute, I thought I was supposed to be in the 'Feeling Triad'! Odd. I've always thought myself the exact opposite. Perhaps I am one who thinks because she feels. Yes that's it.

Hey... Type Four- 'The Individualist' is the Artist... why do I not fall in there. I think some of my traits fall in that area as well.

Now I feel so crappy. I've seen what I could be and what I am now. It's not looking too good because I am everything that I am not supposed to be. I'm irritable, suspicious, assume too much, anxious, testy and edgy when angry. Sigh. The other day I realized how much black blood I have to draw out of myself. The process of purification takes so long and requires so much. Remember that time when Pastor Francis talked about the dangers of making assumptions about your neighbours and how they create this false idea in which you start to believe that people are just trying to outdo you or whatever based on the shaky foundations of your own self-created thoughts? I am very much like that and it's horrible and I hate it. I want to extract it out.

On the more positive side, I did like the relational parts in terms of how each type interacts and balances each other out. I like this description of The Loyalist in relation to Andrew's type.... which is.... Reformer (type one): On the other hand, Sixes bring warmth, more emotional responsiveness and availability, generosity, and playfulness that can be endearing and which can make Ones think twice about their certitudes and positions. Sixes also have the ability to connect with people in a more direct and human way than Ones tend to do.

It's true. :P How else would I be talking here if that wasn't the case. Hehe. I don't think one person really is ever a definitive extreme. I'm serious but when someone gets to know me, I do exude whatever 'playfulness' I have.

Yet with all these tests and what people have said about me, I realize that I shouldn't rely so much on what the world tells me that I am. I don't know anymore. A lot of my negative traits were revealed just the past two years when I came to New york. Without a family who supports me 100%, I've been thrust into a world where each person is out for themselves alone and I guess I've some of the traits just surfaced. I've been told that I'm cold and distant and unfriendly and quiet and secluded... that I just feel like the ice queen now without much feeling and desire for friendships. And yet prior to that, I thought otherwise. Once someone gets to know me, I am who I am as I am in this blog. I am not cold here. I've just realized that perhaps my blog is just the other side of me that I don't exude in person unless it's someone I trust. Is it possible that my blog is just the person I want to be and cannot seem to work the courage to show face to face? This blog is 100% me but some facet I rarely show in person and only through the internet. Funny- what I thought would be a creative outlet for emotional and meditative release has become a prison of my own design where my thoughts are trapped here and exist only on screen. I guess that verse in Psalm 139 really applies here, Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Funny isn't it that I'm considered an anxious person and that verse speaks directly to me.

I'm not really into any particular bands but I love this one song by Relient K called 'Getting Into You' which is written like an intimate conversation between man/woman and God. It's one of the most beautiful, meditative song about the self and God's vast and unfathomable love:

I'm getting into you because you got to me in a way words can't describe. I'm getting into you, because I've got to be. You're essential to survive. I'm going to love you with my life.

It makes me want to quiet down and just reminds me of what I'm getting into. The more I think about it, the more I realize this hidden drive to just understand God more in also in the hopes of understanding more of who I am. I've never felt this way before- and yes I chose the word 'felt' because it really is a emotional desire/hunger which hopefully will be satisfied intellectually/emotionally through more annotation. I somewhat like annotating Scripture. Last night I felt extremely satisfied and filled after doing devos for the day.

Lately I've been playing Hillsong's 'Inside Out' constantly. I just really find the lyrics do speak to me and are a constant reminder of how I should be. I feel like this songs really speaks to me now considering how much renovation needs to be done within the heart to exude in my outward being. And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out from the inside out.

This is also another downfall of mine from the same site:

Work on becoming more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person. This will mean risking rejection and stirring up some of your deepest fears, but the risk is worth taking. You have a gift for getting people to like you, but you are unsure of yourself and may be afraid of making a commitment to them. Therefore, come down clearly on one side or the other of the fence in your relationships. Let people know how you feel about them.
Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate about others' attitudes toward you.

What can I say? There are many people at RHCBC that I'd like to get to know. Some so much as they've surfaced in my dreams several times in the course of the past three weeks. It's kind of creepy but I'm not in control of those things. At Remnant, I have to kick myself and start getting to know people in general. Why am I so not committed into relationships yet all I want are deeper relationships? I guess I want to reap what I have not sown.

Fatigue Frustrations: Sam is Sleepy

I did my devos and happily switched my light off at 2am.

Now it's 3:01am and I am so frustrated.

God, I hope marriage is not like this.

I don't know about your sleeping habits but I take after my mom and I cannot sleep with light or sound (omg what if I end up with someone who snores I'm so screwed). We live in a studio- being Manhattaners we do not have the luxury of having our own bedrooms.

Our work habits are extremely different: I, as I wrote before, finish my work early by spreading out the load. My roommate on the other hand, likes to pull all nighters all the time. She likes to work under pressure.

So for me, one who has finished all her work, deserves a goodnight's rest in order to function the next day except I have to suffer through her work with her due to light and noise on her side of the room. In a very dry sense, I understand what Paul means when one part of the body suffers, the rest of it suffers as well. Her lack of sleep is making me lack in sleep. Which then affects the quality of my own work.

Already foreseeing this dilemma, most of my classes I have scheduled to start at 12pm so I can at least go to bed later and wake up later to avoid sleeping through my alarm.

I have tried earplugs and masks.

I try not to take any naps during the day to make me more tired at night so I'll naturally drift to sleep.

I want to avoid taking sleeping pills because I don't want to chemically induce myself to sleep.

So currently she's making another project and I've been covering my eyes with another blanket in hopes of blocking out the light. And this is only three weeks into the second semester.

You know, I want to be patient and considerate, but when you're extremely fatigued, you can't help but feel so angry. We've tried putting up the Shoji screen and layering it with blankets but light creeps in everywhere despite all of it and the floor creaks every time you walk on it.

I don't want to complain- perhaps I am the one who has to learn how to sleep with more disturbances but ever since last year, I still can't. I wish I could change on this matter but I can't. I want to be more accomodating and flexible but it's with something I have no control in. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be the roommate who is nit picky and anal (I am in some aspects) and controls the other roommate but now this is really taking a toll on me. By the end of last semester, I was getting four hours of sleep- not on MY account but because of other people's work habits. I always get things done ahead of time because I can't take the stress and pressure of deadlines.

So now I'm stuck at 3:11am with class looming at 9am. It's crucial because two absences equal fail and I CANNOT skip class. I'm going to look like hell tomorrow. Crap I wish we were like Sim characters who, after so much, just drop dead and sleep wherever they are at the time. I need rest....

Why is this so hard.

Oh yes, happy birthday, Robyn. Hopefully I'll be awake during your little party today.

Self Reflection: In Seriousness and Space// Silks and Encylopedias// Cafe Mozart

I was looking up Gong Li and came across an article about how she was voted China's Most Beautiful Person within the nation and this girl named Zhou Xun came up third. No idea who she is - some actress apparently but she's really pretty. Haha. Well at least in this picture anyway. :P

What people say about you (or to you) perhaps doesn't hit/occur to you until much later. Silly as it sounds but I realized today that I'm pretty serious in character and interests. In general, I take life seriously- perhaps too much at times. Friends have mentioned it to me before and I've denied it because I want to be a 'fun', lighthearted person or at least that's how I want to be viewed. My mom in the past, told me that I was always too 'sensitive'- that I nitpicked at people's comments and reactions. I still find that I do overanalyze minute details that don't bother most people.
I guess that is the reason why I don't like singing or dancing in front of other people. I don't like acting stupid or playing games where you laugh at yourself while others laugh at you. I guess that's one of the primary reasons why I didn't want to go to retreat or games nights at Bethel. It makes me anxious and nervous if I ever have to do anything that makes me stand out. Even at Salt in discussion. Ironic isn't it. I hate standing out yet I want to be acknowledged when blending in. I guess it's my external appearance which calls for attention yet is passive in its interaction with others. I can never initiate- I'm so pathetically shy.
Isn't that interesting. Beyond studying it, the experimentation of dress allows me to introduce myself non verbally, speak in ways I dare not say and have fun with it. But the more people see the attention to detail one spends on adorning the body, the more they perceive your seriousness in the subject and less about the playfulness and experimentation in it. Ironic.

Secondly, something else that I have to work on is my attention span to those who are talking to me. I've even received a lengthy personal letter on this subject, but when people are talking to me, I seem to phase out and start thinking about other things. It's most apparent in my apartment because as my roomie is talking to me, I am either doing something on the computer or thinking about stuff. Sometimes she speaks to me and I utter a "mmhm" or "oh really" and then by the end of the conversation, I have no idea what she was talking about. But in this case, because I cannot get physical privacy, I privatize my mental space. I need to concentrate and give people's undivided attention... Ergh.

Anyway, moving onto more lighthearted subjects which do not need self examination/reflection.
So I've finished homework all the way up till Thursday and Friday. Really nerdy and sad but now I can chill for a while.
You never know what you can find at the thrift store especially ones in New York (my mom just sent me an email complaining that my room smells like a thrift store). Yesterday while going to the art store, I meandered into the Salvation Army and saw these funny, psychadelic dresses and by touch, you could tell how fine the fabric was. Ended up there were five Missoni dresses given away by some retailer because the silk was starting to break in places. As I was examining it, another woman comes by and picks it up and then another comes and takes another. We all ended up talking and she told us some stuff about the fabric and the qualities of it. Normally they'd retail for probably... $800 or so. Ah silk. The worm ejects a thick, mucusey liquid and create a coccoon. The coccoon which is about the size of a thumb is then dried out and unraveled slowly and spun into thread. Can you imagine how coccoons they have to use to create one yard of fabric? Which is why 100% silk is so expensive. Anyway the size 2 doesn't fit me right so I'm going to take it apart and play around with it and keep the size 4 as it is.
Besides that, I went to the book section. I like looking at the random assortment of books and I picked up this one called 'The Living Bible Encyclopedia in Story and Pictures' which covered 'Josh' to 'Meekness'. It looked pretty cool because it'd dissect historical facts and words like 'Man' and broke down the different means used for that one word (there are five for just the word 'Man') so I got that for $1. Now I'm thinking of going back and buying the rest of them. I've recently been reading Solomon's Songs of Songs and trying to understand it more than just a book about the relationship between Man and Woman but I'm quite stuck because the language is so figurative (or so it seems). So perhaps the Encyclopedia will enlighten me. As I try to get deeper into the Bible, I'm finding it increasingly hard to understand it historically and linguistically with the Urbana translation and without knowing the context of which it was written.
So last night I just started flipping through the pages and reading it. Extremely interesting. I like it.

Anyway, today for my dear cousin who is about to turn 18, we went and splurged at the Cafe Mozart- a Viennese cafe around here. $20 lunch: the most expensive lunch I've had since I've been here. Eggs benedict with smoked Atlantic salmon and brioche vanilla bean french toast with poached pear. Omg, we just inhaled the food. Dessert: warm bread pudding with raisins drenched in vanilla bourbon sauce for me and Robyn with her yellow sponge cake with Bavarian cream filling and raspberry. We also attempted to stick in an additional Sacher torte (famous traditional Viennese cake of chocolate) but decided to doggy bag it. :P It was super good though. Sigh. These are the highlights of living in Manhattan.

The Lessons of Life Drawing. Seeking Beauty.

Before going to bed last night, I had a sudden urge to watch the life drawing scene in Great Expectations. It's a very beautiful film- all the characters are adorned in green. After watching that, I wanted to see another life drawing scene so I switched to Titanic. It's my favourite scene from the movie. The rest of it is quite a bore and I find the famous scene where they're standing at the front of the boat is a little cliche. I watched it about four times- it has a great transition from the young Rose to the present Rose through the transformation of her eye (aging). So before you call me perverted or gross, for me it has nothing to do with the sexually explicity image of the female nude body but the different ways that both artists drew. Both of them were poor. Both knew they could not have the girl because of their social standing yet expressed their desire through charcoal and paper. While Fin in Great Expectations drew in a dizzying, famished manner- page after page of scribble drawings with different gestures and poses to a rock piece which crescendoed quickly as he got immersed in his work, Jack drew only one fully shaded study of Rose and rendered carefully with the piano playing the theme song softly tinkling in the background. Haha the funny thing about that scene is that if you've studied Art History, the Monet and the Picasso paintings that Rose 'collected' are about a tenth of the size of the real paintings which are at the MOMA and they're huge.

There's something about life drawing that I love. I take great pleasure in studying anatomy and to be able to feel it within and express it out on paper. I have had the chance to start again with my Fashion Ind: Design class but unlike the past where we got an assortment of models: man, woman, fat, thin, tall, shaply, short, we only get extremely tall female models and the only poses they do are with shoulders kiltered to one side while the hips jut out to the other. This is also called 'Contra posto'- you see it a lot in Renaissance paintings to give that serpentine 'S' curve of the body. For homework last week we were assigned to draw ten full figure poses from magazines and after about six, I became quite bored of drawing tall, elongated skinny women. I love drawing 'fat' women because the gestures become a luxurious meander across the page.

So now I'm watching 'Girl with a Pearl Earring' where the book is a lot better than the film but as I've said before, is a great feast for the eyes. Anyway, Vermeer is one of my favourite painters. I first fell in love with this painting back in gr5. The visuals and the sounds in the film are tantalizing. Films like these heighten our awareness of our relationship with our surroundings. It makes beauty from the chores we perceive as mundane. There are scenes where all is still except the sound of pearls clicking or where she is chopping different kinds of vegetables and you hear the distinct difference as the cold blade slices through these water structures. You close your eyes and you listen and just by listening to lettuce being chopped- you almost could see the lettuce take shape through mere acoustics emanating through the inky stillness.

Today one of the things we discussed during our philosophy class was the definition and topic of 'need'. As I have written before in 'Sitting Pretty', things that are considered useless in many people's eyes may not necessarily meet the requirements of function yet satisfy the eye. What is defined as need then begs for us to wonder why then, if so many things function as they were designed to be, like a tea kettle, the reason why we even bother designing any more of them. Why is it that the famous Michael Graves tea kettle which retails for over $100 in the 70's is so well known yet we all clearly know that anything can boil water? Why is it that we bother redesigning the tea kettle, the cup, the chair, the carpet, the bag, the desk? Perhaps it really is more than function that we seek and towards, may I dare say, to the aesthetic side. For in truth, we are humans that are constantly seeking beauty. I would not have to study design if it was purely to create functional objects for all objects serve their purpose. Clothes keep the body warm, covers and shelters, yet there are over a hundred designers twice a year who congregate to show their collections. Then, why, is it necessary for us to keep rethinking old concepts? Perhaps not beauty in terms of art or fashion but beauty in knowledge, in philosophy, in an idea, in a formula, in a concerto or in the veins of a leaf. But I believe we are all beauty seekers. Whether or not you try to find it within the pages of a book or the face of a lover, beauty is something that sustains and nourishes the soul.

Creativity:Counterfeiting // The Ironies of Self Reflection and Vulnerability

Creativity:Counterfeiting
Creativity. Imagination. Fundamental characteristics of being a human. As I said earlier, creativity is nurtured and cannot be taught. You can teach design philosophy, movements and concepts yet you cannot give people creativity. Inspire, yes, but not give. The interesting thing about nurturing creativity is that it cannot be nurtured in the space of a classroom. It can only be developed through travel and being outside which is why every other week for my Fashion ind: Design class, we are at the Rucci exhibit or at the fabric store or a manufacturer's place.
And as much as I do not want to harp on the same issues, I really do believe we try to control creativity and to place it in a contained cell rather than allowing it to let loose. And when we students are told that we can do anything for a thesis project, we gape and freeze at the sudden and overwhelming possibilities when it was them who initially tried to mold us into skilled labourers.
The tragedy that has befallen on Asia is the lack of creativity. I know it's something almost dangerous to say since I have not visited for two years now but I think the reason why so many 'white' companies are turning to Asia as a profitable market is because of the lack of creativity within the country.
Why?
Well the most obvious of the answers is because Asians typically dislike their kids going into art, liberal arts, anthropology schools where lawlessness is applied and nothing is certain. I've had three art teachers who have influenced me and taught me how to draw. One of them, who I asked to further develop what watercolour skills I had, just made me copy his own paintings over and over again so I left. What good is it to copy when in reality what I need is to train my own eye to see and my hand to follow suite?
So when it comes to the arts and design, we are masters of copying. Pacific mall speaks of this. So does First Markham. In fact, wherever you see a counterfeit designer bag or a copy of the latest fashion trends, there you will see the demise of design within Asia. Because they do not know how to create art and have very few people to nurture their gifts, people have resorted to copying and selling them as if they were genuine. On Ebay, you can even find counterfeit designer dresses for $80 complete with the tags. Bags get even more ridiculous. You can purchase a 'Chanel' bag complete with its own duster bag, authenticity card, and care booklet. And it looks like the real thing. How many times have you ever heard of a Chinese designer? How many times has it been a Chinese designer penetrating the US market as opposed to the European designers entering the Chinese market? Consumerism runs rampant in China since the collapse of the Cultural Revolution. Because the Chinese government is allowing more foreign companies to enter and set up shop, people have a hunger for goods they were never allowed to own in the past. It's understandable. They want to show off their wealth- something that was suppressed in the past (yes I had to write a whole paper on it last semester). And so the people there do not know how to discern what is good and bad. They just follow what the media dictates. They don't have a sense of taste and have not developed a discernment for what is good and bad design (which is another philosophical question all together just like 'what is art'). China has fallen victim to the outsourcing. Because the US outsources the majority of its products to be made in China, China only has labourers but no designers. They do not design anything, just follow.
This is taken from my own viewpoint which lies closely within the major I am studying. This is how I see the lack of creativity being channeled within the country. Perhaps I am wrong, but I believe, with time and the growth in the arts, we'll soon see Europeans buying from Chinese designers.

The Ironies of Self Reflection and Vulnerability
It takes a lot of humility and vulnerability to ask. And I have always been taken aback when people pose such a question to me, "is there something you want to tell me?" or "why can't you open up?" How do you respond to such a question? The problem I am facing with myself is my openness to other via,well, here (aka blog), and my lack in openness to those around me. To come to a conclusion, I realize that I blog to open up to others but I close once I see them. Perhaps its my desire to appear strong and invulnerable- like I don't need anyone. Yes that is true. That really is the reason why I look apparently so 'scary' to other people and so cold. And yet deep down inside, there is nothing more that I want than to connect with people beyond small talk. Here in New York, as I said before, I have very little privacy. And this semester it is increasingly apparent due to the fact that I have almost every class with my roommate so I dont get the room to myself as much as I did in the fall. And when I do have the room alone, my only window faces a school so I can see everyone and everyone sees me. My blog has been my only source of privacy and reflection and ironically that in itself is a contradiction for the internet has become a public space. But I feel relieved when my thoughts are cast out onto the blank white screen and for anyone who wishes to read, can read without my awareness of it. One of the reasons why I am not open in person is that I feel extremely awkward and vulnerable yet I desire to do so... but I just freeze and clam up. Ah yes, I know why. It's because those demons in my head are telling me that I'm not worth it. I place my value in my thoughts yet in a way, I place little value in my thoughts which I naturally discard here. Many times when someone asks me a question about me, a feeling of pleasure runs through my veins. Someone actually is interested in knowing me. And then it hits me that I should give a short, brief answer because honestly, who really does want to know you? They'll get bored and tire of you quickly so keep your answer short. So sometimes when sharing, like at Urbana, I feel the desire to give a quick answer to those things that matter most to me. Yet here I feel like I can write as much as I want because I'm not addressing anyone in particular and the reader has a choice if stopping whenever he or she pleases. It all comes back to 1) self worth 2) fear of vulnerability.
I was just faced with this question today and it totally took me by surprise that I stammered and said "no."