Re-examining The Person that I've Become

Ugh. did not have a good day today for the most part due to lack of sleep. Last night I was very grateful to have friends like Andrew and Dor who were on at 3am when I was so frustrated and they were there to just let me vent. As I was drifting to sleep, I thanked God for such friends that I am so undeserving of. Anyway it was Robyn's birthday today and we celebrated at Serendipity: that cafe made famous after the self-titled movie was shot there. Above is the birthday girl in a dress I gave her as a gift. :) Here at Dillon's Candy Store:

Hey they even have a bin that was signed by Sean Astin of Samwise Gamgee from LOTR! :D

I was watching bits of Harry Potter and he always has someone to bail him out in the end. I guess that does echo reality, because in order to be the 'hero' of our own story, we must allow the other characters help us reach that state of heroism. Except I like LOTR better and I'd use the Sam-Frodo analogy. :P

I just realized that I'm going to be twenty in exactly three months from Robyn's birthday. How depressing. As Robyn said, I can be called "twenteen". Lol.

I went back to the thrift store today and bought the other two encyclopedias (they also have random Bible stories which I'm not too fond of. I'd rather them stick more words into one book): 'Jeri' to 'jose' and 'reu' to 'saty'. It's kind of neat because I was reading up on the word 'Man' and it even mentions the very same thing about Eve and 'helpmeet' as was written in 'Captivating'. I'm excited to use them. Last night I was able to understand Songs of Songs more with the help of the encyclopedia at hand.

I just completed this Enneagram type test that Andrew sent me (http://www.testcafe.com/enn/: find more in depth stuff from him like compatibility, strengths/weaknesses etc), and I came out as a Loyalist (type six) who is described as "Type Six is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious. " Makes me sound so bad. Even worse:

Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
Basic Desire: To have security and support

Discretion: though I do not believe that these tests speak absolute truth about a person, I think you really can gain insight into your own self and affirm fears that you were never sure of. The weirdest thing about this test is that I'm under the 'Thinking Triad'. Now wait a minute, I thought I was supposed to be in the 'Feeling Triad'! Odd. I've always thought myself the exact opposite. Perhaps I am one who thinks because she feels. Yes that's it.

Hey... Type Four- 'The Individualist' is the Artist... why do I not fall in there. I think some of my traits fall in that area as well.

Now I feel so crappy. I've seen what I could be and what I am now. It's not looking too good because I am everything that I am not supposed to be. I'm irritable, suspicious, assume too much, anxious, testy and edgy when angry. Sigh. The other day I realized how much black blood I have to draw out of myself. The process of purification takes so long and requires so much. Remember that time when Pastor Francis talked about the dangers of making assumptions about your neighbours and how they create this false idea in which you start to believe that people are just trying to outdo you or whatever based on the shaky foundations of your own self-created thoughts? I am very much like that and it's horrible and I hate it. I want to extract it out.

On the more positive side, I did like the relational parts in terms of how each type interacts and balances each other out. I like this description of The Loyalist in relation to Andrew's type.... which is.... Reformer (type one): On the other hand, Sixes bring warmth, more emotional responsiveness and availability, generosity, and playfulness that can be endearing and which can make Ones think twice about their certitudes and positions. Sixes also have the ability to connect with people in a more direct and human way than Ones tend to do.

It's true. :P How else would I be talking here if that wasn't the case. Hehe. I don't think one person really is ever a definitive extreme. I'm serious but when someone gets to know me, I do exude whatever 'playfulness' I have.

Yet with all these tests and what people have said about me, I realize that I shouldn't rely so much on what the world tells me that I am. I don't know anymore. A lot of my negative traits were revealed just the past two years when I came to New york. Without a family who supports me 100%, I've been thrust into a world where each person is out for themselves alone and I guess I've some of the traits just surfaced. I've been told that I'm cold and distant and unfriendly and quiet and secluded... that I just feel like the ice queen now without much feeling and desire for friendships. And yet prior to that, I thought otherwise. Once someone gets to know me, I am who I am as I am in this blog. I am not cold here. I've just realized that perhaps my blog is just the other side of me that I don't exude in person unless it's someone I trust. Is it possible that my blog is just the person I want to be and cannot seem to work the courage to show face to face? This blog is 100% me but some facet I rarely show in person and only through the internet. Funny- what I thought would be a creative outlet for emotional and meditative release has become a prison of my own design where my thoughts are trapped here and exist only on screen. I guess that verse in Psalm 139 really applies here, Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Funny isn't it that I'm considered an anxious person and that verse speaks directly to me.

I'm not really into any particular bands but I love this one song by Relient K called 'Getting Into You' which is written like an intimate conversation between man/woman and God. It's one of the most beautiful, meditative song about the self and God's vast and unfathomable love:

I'm getting into you because you got to me in a way words can't describe. I'm getting into you, because I've got to be. You're essential to survive. I'm going to love you with my life.

It makes me want to quiet down and just reminds me of what I'm getting into. The more I think about it, the more I realize this hidden drive to just understand God more in also in the hopes of understanding more of who I am. I've never felt this way before- and yes I chose the word 'felt' because it really is a emotional desire/hunger which hopefully will be satisfied intellectually/emotionally through more annotation. I somewhat like annotating Scripture. Last night I felt extremely satisfied and filled after doing devos for the day.

Lately I've been playing Hillsong's 'Inside Out' constantly. I just really find the lyrics do speak to me and are a constant reminder of how I should be. I feel like this songs really speaks to me now considering how much renovation needs to be done within the heart to exude in my outward being. And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out from the inside out.

This is also another downfall of mine from the same site:

Work on becoming more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person. This will mean risking rejection and stirring up some of your deepest fears, but the risk is worth taking. You have a gift for getting people to like you, but you are unsure of yourself and may be afraid of making a commitment to them. Therefore, come down clearly on one side or the other of the fence in your relationships. Let people know how you feel about them.
Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate about others' attitudes toward you.

What can I say? There are many people at RHCBC that I'd like to get to know. Some so much as they've surfaced in my dreams several times in the course of the past three weeks. It's kind of creepy but I'm not in control of those things. At Remnant, I have to kick myself and start getting to know people in general. Why am I so not committed into relationships yet all I want are deeper relationships? I guess I want to reap what I have not sown.