Amazon Addiction// My Raw Thoughts on Dating

Amazon makes it too easy to buy books. You just click a few times and whoosh! You have just purchased another $40 worth of books. Crap.

So last night after having somewhat of the oddest conversation with Andrew on dating, I ended up buying two books on Amazon. The second one I picked up at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and liked the content.. it's by this famous guy who wrote several essays and books mostly on culture and philosophy. This one is a historical and cultural examination and deals with the everchanging ideals of beauty not only in face but also in mathematical symmetry and the grotesque. I can't wait to get this one...

Ah and then there's the first one.

The first one I'm still a little cautious about because the ideas are so contrary to Joshua Harris' 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'- the book which we all went by back in high school. Andrew sent me the following two sites as a 'reply' to my previous post at the chocolate bar:

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/163/story_16300_1.html

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/163/story_16302_1.html

If you want to hear one girl's thoughts on guys and dating. Here it is in the most raw form I can express it in. And in my most humblest, vulnerable self. In terms of this topic on dating, I usually dislike showing an interest to it because I take pride in not expressing a desire to find someone else. I've always wanted to look put together and fulfilled as a Christian. So do whatever you like with the following thoughts but bear in mind, it's nothing to take lightly:

At the end of the weirdest, most hysterical conversation I've had, I ended up parting with Andrew's 'wisdom':

-Go to an online dating service (haha)

-Go on dates with both non christians and christians since I am in New York City which is apparently 'the place' to be. As Andrew says "it's the "city" in " sex and the city" for crying out loud" ROFL.

I can't believe that's the Christian advice I got but I'm a little skeptical because 1) I'm too proud to go to a dating service and just the label seems to blatantly obvious for your reasons for going and it makes me feel weird. 2) It sounds a little desperate. 3) Henry Cloud's definition of 'dating' just seems like 'chilling'

But perhaps I am desperate- not really at this point just because I want to graduate anyway and constantly traveling. Or perhaps I just don't really like the idea of ever having to say "we met on an online dating service". Doesn't sound that romantic.

But perhaps those couples who met online will have the last laugh while I'm a sorry loser stuck in an apartment with nowhere to go. Perhaps, as the sermon was based on today, God works outside the box we've constructed for Him even in terms of dating and marriage in ways I do not want to perceive or wish to consider. It's true that I am passive because I don't really take initiative in doing anything about it. I remember reading 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' and going to an 'Acquire the Fire' conference and they both asked for people to refrain from dating for a year... which personally was not a biggie for me since all I really have to do is continue to be me. At times I kind of hoped that this would be some test and someone could come along the way during that course of the year. If I committed to refrain from whatever possible dating for that year, God would try me by sending someone. It was like I was asking for a temptation in order to know that I'm not some ugly, unattractive person. I guess it's affirmation. Sad, but true. And even after that 'commitment', I've still taken the same course of action and demeanour of being myself which apparently seems not 'good enough'. I remember whenever some girl friend of mine would confide in me that "so and so" likes me, I would feel simultaneously happy/grossed out (depending on whether or not she liked him back) yet in the back of my mind, wonder why nobody ever has ever admitted that to me (if there was one ever which I doubt). For example, Dor, who I mentioned earlier who has so many guys who are attracted to her. I am not jealous but it makes me question myself. It can be humiliating at times to be asked that and wondering to yourself whether there's something wrong with you or something that has to be fixed. It's something Christians would chide you for but yes, the questions of "is it because I'm not pretty/good looking enough?" or "is it because I'm not outgoing enough?" or "is it because I don't share the same sense of humour?". All these things run through my head yet I'm always told that my energy should be spent on my relationship with God rather than trying to answer these questions. Yet they're still there. Yes you can tell me that I should focus on God and put Him first but I end up doing what the girl did in the article. Just expect Him to drop someone by. I think He works that way yet also pushes others to get out of their shell. What do I know? I love God, I know He is the only one who can fulfill me. You don't have to tell me that. What I just said is still based on that raw sense of loneliness and fear. It's not something I can explain fully but rest assure, this is something I don't like to speak of because it makes me feel so-so much like a failure in this aspect of life. So human. I have a wonderful family, a great set of close friends from different areas/interests of my life, and I'm a good student going to a questionnably great school. Why I am lacking in one 'department' so much over the others.. I don't know. It usually goes along the lines of either if I was interested in someone, he's not interested in me or I'm just not interested (aka old men or men who whistle at me).

Andrew said perhaps I could be going out on four dates a week instead of sitting here blogging if I so did follow Cloud's advice... but I resent that comment a little because I like blogging so why replace it with something when I enjoy it in the first place? And what reason would there be for you to be reading this, when you simply have the option of going to another page if you wish to do so? It's not like I'm here pressuring you to read every entry.

As of now I'll just wait for my books to come and read his arguments before judging them. And the both of us made a semi deal that if he tries the service, I'll do it. lol. I think I'll back out for now because it sounds totally absurd.