auiehlalnawkdhHKFASHIONaerawlrnawjw!!!

I'm so inspired right now. Inspired by the people here. Frick. I don't even notice it but I'm staring at people as they walk by especially a lot of guys. I don't mean to and I'm not checking them out in that perverted way; it's just that I love what they're wearing!! The other day I was in Causeway Bay and a guy passes by: he's wearing this double sewn vest (double blazer front) with a hood and I liked it so much I kept looking at him as he walked past and he noticed that I had this huge smile on my face and he looked rather uncomfortable. XD And I saw one today in a store for $230 but alas! No guy to buy it for! BOOOO!!!

Day Before Yesterday:
-I got to eat dinner with my cousin and boyfriend in Soho. My dad never told me anything about the family business and what the company did. For the first time I was told everything about the history of the company that my grandfather helped build in HK. Wow the asian dramas aren't off: there is so much pettiness and selfishness in business that it really made me depressed after listening to my cousin talk about the power struggles and political/social hierarchies within the company.
But yeah I got some really helpful and interesting advice/tips from them. And I'm happy to say that my Henry Clouding is actually paying off. My cousin advised me to start networking in order to understand social etiquette and establishing a name for myself in the industry. Yo and I've been totally doing that this past year! So I'm really good in terms of networking, remembering people and having people remember me.
Since I'll be interning this summer and will be meeting a lot of different people, my cousin advised me to start associating myself with the people I talk to for future references.

Time to make a business card. Hee hee.

Yesterday:
-Five hour shopping session with friend from NY. Was supposed to go to Mongkok but there was so much rain some of the roads were 'flooding' and I didn't want to be outside. We went to Causeway Bay instead. I probably spend half my waking hours there. If you don't know where I am, just find me in 'tung lau wan.' I'm probably leaning on a pillar looking at people.
-Didn't get anything.
-At a shoe boutique that I've been to twice where on my second visit the owner says "you look familiar.. have you purchased anything here recently?" I went again with my friend only to have her ask me the very same question. This was my third time in her store that week. I'm embarrassed. She asks my friend if we've been long time buddies when in fact this was the very first time we actually hung out together. Apparently we talk as if we've known each other for a long time. Funny enough that we never hung out in NY and we've chilled twice back to back across the Pacific Ocean. Btw I'm so tired so this post probably doesn't make sense. I'm just writing exactly what's coming out from my head.
-So I found out the people who took my picture are part of this online Beijing street style blog/form/site. We passed by two of the photographers both which my friend turned down. It wasn't until I told her about the street style journaling that she wanted her picture taken too so we went stalking the stalker photographers and had to walk past a few of them before they finally asked her to take her picture. Street style media is gaining a lot of popularity: check out the Japanese fruits magazine or Style Arena website.
-Met up with Jer and Ang who met my NY friend. We all had dinner together. It's funny when two worlds collide. I always view them as distinct and unrelated entities that it feels odd when one meets the other.
-Went to Lan Kwai Fong after upon Angie's request. Cocktail was too sweet. Ben and Jerrys English Toffee ice cream after to get rid of yucky taste.
-I'm excited: over dinner Ang and my NY friend, Pui, decided to get their hair done together so now we've sched it for the next Sunday. :D Sleepover, beach and hair appointments with good looking hairstylists! XD

Today:
-One word: Mongkok. From 12:30-6. We got a whirlwind tour of the entire area. I met this NYU freshmen guy at a lunch the past semester and I found out he was going to HK so we ended up chilling with Pui. New Yorkers in the HK! And then he called his friend who also lived in Mongkok and is studying tourism here and he took us to all the 'cool' places to shop. Frick!!!!!!!!!!! Skinny ties galore along with cool graphic tees and mens vests. akjwlernawrknwaaw!!! Ho ying ah!
Yeah so after about six hours of shopping, we conquered Sneaker street (yo New Balance fashion sneakers is gaining popularity here), Women's street and five plazas chock full of sound systems, Japanese clothing, sneakers, cheap HK clothing, Japanese toys etc., I ended up getting a $30 umbrella cuz the one I borrowed from my aunt's is broken. LOL. See I'm self controlled. Actually it's more like I know if I start buying now it'll just snowball from there. Plus I haven't seen anything so amazing that I have to get it. It's just overwhelming the selection here that I'm just a little hesitant to put money down. I can afford to 'play around' for now and commit later. XD I'm here for two months after all!

Tomorrow:
probably more people watching and street style observing in Causeway Bay (I'm 100% serious)and then doing some trend research for my internship before heading to Central for dinner with friend from Toronto. I have to figure out what's going to be 'in' for Fall 2008. Except I really don't have an interest in European/American trend patterns these days that what I find myself responding to is probably very different from Western reality. Frick.
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God, thank you for blessing me with so much this summer! I've only been here a week and every day has been full of joy. Thank you for bringing these people into my life and giving me the opportunity to serve in Hong Kong as well as just be able to relax and have fun. It may be hot, muggy and sweaty here but nothing surpasses all that You have given me. Help me to love like You do and break my heart for what breaks Yours. Give me a humble heart: too often do I rely on my own strength and I swell with a false sense of pride and confidence:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139

Paper Offices and Glass Forests

Interesting store concept: each box is owned by an individual who puts his/her wares inside and are sold to customers. So the consumer gets a variety of knick knacks to choose from while the store owner sells 'space' to the merchants who can sell items without having the huge commitment of signing a lease. Genius!

Listening to:Come Fly with Me- Frank Sinatra

This song is so jolly. I love it. Pack up let's fly away!

Also watching Guang Liang's MVs. I must say they're ultra cheesy and ultra cliche which annoys me (can you spell singer-and-girl-fall-in-love-then-tragedy-ensues-and-boy-saves-girl). But this one was cute: Never Apart. It's cute until the girl gets hit by the car. -_- you know I like my milk bottles although no one delivers milk in glass bottles anymore.

Anyway back to the main point. Now I'm glad that I'm starting work next week: a stream of people from New York/Toronto have come to HK and it's been fun to hang out with them in a 'foreign country.' It's like we're all going on vacation together! And those are always exciting- I've always wanted to do a big trip with people. Flying by myself is lonely. Anyway.

My life has become somewhat 'regimented'. I wake at 7:30am, eat breakfast consisting of congee/porridge/pancakes/radish cake and then get driven out with my grandmother, uncle and aunt to the market to buy groceries. Then we have dim sum and then return to Repulse Bay for lunch. Yeah I'm eating a lot. It's not fun because I'm eating out of a sense of duty/obligation to my grandmother. And my stomach can only fit so much.
Between then and dinner, I'm usually out with friends. I've been to Sogo three days in a row. Oh man. Even one of the shoe store owners whom I only saw once asked me yesterday if I ever bought anything from them because I looked familiar. T-T Yesterday I met up with a high school friend and we went shopping in the fob malls there. The fashion here is so much better. I've been doing a lot of people watching. People watching I mean by just standing in one spot and looking at people as they pass by. There are soooo many chinese hipsters here! It's almost like New York: skinny jeans/drainpipes, large rimmed black glasses, a hat (bucket or fedora), flashy converse sneakers and a large man bag (gucci). And I've never seen sooo many people wear the Commes des garcons logo shirt. It's basically a white tee with a heart and eyes. And Y-3 messenger bags by Yohji Yamamoto. I know I sound extremely materialistic but yup I like the fashion here. It's been quite interesting watching people. I wish I could take pictures because I've seen quite a lot of interesting stylin' going on. I've noticed that the locals respond more to more of an urban style over feminine/pretty when it comes to womenswear. On Sunday I wore all HK clothes from the previous christmas: Japanese brand Hyo shirt, white shorts, Norma Kamali halter hoodie. While people watching near Sogo that day, two hipster kids who were doing some HK street style thing asked to take my picture and then I got stopped by some 'modeling agent' who told me to go to some casting or something. To put it bluntly, I'm really not skinny enough to be a model. I've worked backstage at fashion shows and my thigh is the size of their torso. Anyway I take it this whole street style thing is really taking off in HK: while talking on the phone with my fellow intern, two girls were about to come up to me until they heard me speak English.

I returned to that store with that skull dress I was gushing about in my previous entry. I took a picture of the material becuase I didn't really like the cut of it.
Yeah. Screw American fashion. Asia is where it's at now. They have some really cool urban graphic tees, a crazy variety of Converse sneakers that I've never seen even in New York (metallics, plastic, faux leather, crayola-coloured shoelaces). I'm still looking for that store D-Mop though. So far the only clothing item I bought is a $90 t shirt. At this stage it's only a lot of window shopping to figure out exactly what the possibilities are before placing some money down.

Anyway after walking around for a while my friend and I went to eat double boiled milk dessert and then mango pomelo and mango pancake. SOOOO GOOD. Frick. She took me to another Chinese plaza where I purchased my shirt. Before leaving, the owner said my english was really good and asked if I could translate some chinese fashion terms into english. She verbally gave me the description in Canto and I wrote them down in English:
"that bag you wear across your shoulder diagonally."= messenger bag
"those slippers you wear outside"= flip flops/ thong sandals
"those large handbags"= tote bag
:P


While waiting for two hours at times square for Jer and Ang... guess who I saw?! Joey. I don't know what she sings but I know I've seen her in the Ming Pao. I'm not really interested in her as I am with what she's wearing which is also rather... interesting. Something I would have worn last year.

We then started walking back to the Sogo area where my friend recommended this Japanese conveyor belt sushi place to me. On the way there, I heard someone call my name. Turns out it was this girl who used to play with me when we were kids since my mom's best friend knows her too: I haven't seen for three years. Weird! I got the biggest 'it's a small small world' feeling just then. She spoke english to me since she's majoring in it and she's going to West Virginia to do some exchange program and she'll be visiting New York some time. SMALL WORLD.

Anyway we initially planned to go to LKF to drink after but the conveyor belt sushi place took one hour and fifteen minutes to get us a spot. My feet have never throbbed this badly before- not even in new york. Ugh. It was pretty good though.

I also got my visa into china! They've really tightened up their belts on visas since the Olympics are being held in August. I can only go into China twice. :S Anyway there were a few good looking guys there. ;)
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Those who have grown up walking the clean linoleum aisles in American grocery stores with state-of-the-art refridgerators would be in a for a rude awakening if they ever came to visit Hong Kong to how food is made and bought at the 'gai see'. The dull damp smell of the humidity mixed with fresh meat lingers in the air. The unwanted fat from dead animals are just tossed on the floor. The tiles at the butchers are permanently stained pale red while the streets run with blood. Suffocating fish helplessly flounder in their baskets as they gasp for air: their gills quickly moving up and down. Some manage to get out of the basket and onto the cement pavement but they get tossed back in. Fish guts are out on display for everyone to see, hearts still beating. The fish monger with an unlit cigarette permanently stuck between his teeth takes a knife and slices off all the scales from the fish that we buy: I feel the scales flicking across my skin. Filipino maids feel the slimy bodies of the fish without any qualms. It's wet everywhere. Vegetables are packed densely onto dirty styrofoam boxes. Nothing is packaged: you take what you want, they prepare it and it's tossed into a plastic bag. Space is tight. You want fresh, you got fresh. There's no beating around the bush here. Today I saw them flinging huge pigs onto a cart to be sliced open. A few days ago I was maneuvering around a long line up at a butchers only to be met by a sight of a huge pig chopped up on the floor with nothing but a plastic mat between the flesh and the floor.

And you know what, despite the American phobia of dirt and pollution, the locals in Hong Kong are probably more healthy than we are at home. I believe that one of the reasons why there is such a broken relationship between the environment and humans is that we have forgotten where and how food is made. We'd rather see our two-week old steak wrapped in plastic and foam in an open fridge nicely spotlighted at our local grocery store than see the entire animal bloody and quartered at the meat monger which is then tossed into a plastic bag upon request. We like to think that the food industry is a clean business when in reality, it's really a dirty and bloody deal. The American grocery store is designed for comfort: to give an air/facade that your surroundings reflect the very things that you consume. However what does the average American know about food processing? Very little. At least the people here are more aware of where their food comes from.

My consumption of fish has quadrupled since I came here. I haven't eaten this well in ages in terms of variety. If there's one thing I like about the Chinese, it's the ability to incorporate every part of an animal/vegetable to create some good dish.
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I'm not sure what to think of HK. On one hand I feel like I've returned home- to a familiar place but at the same time it seems that I'm just a tourist observing a vibrant culture. I'm caught between observer and participant. While driving past the buildings and roads here, I'm thinking of different ways to photograph each place as if it was some j-drama scene while simultaneously recalling different memories from certain places. Memory's a funny thing: some of the things you take the least notice in create the strongest impressions on you when you first revisit the past. For me it's the feeling of someone else's arm sticky with sweat brushing against mine. I hate that sensation because it feels gross but it reminds me of the past. The smell of incense is another so is the sound of the jingle they play on tv when the news is played. Every time I hear that jingle, it takes me back to the first morning I spent in HK: my brother and I sitting at the dining table eating a bowl of Cheerios. They all take me back nine years ago. Nine years ago. I act and talk as if HK was just a year ago. I sound like I'm missing a home I just recently left. Everything's changed but some things still remain. The stationary store on Queens Road East still stands there: I used to get my drawings laminated there.
The sticker picture store on the ninth floor in Times Square is gone. I used to spend all my money there with my old friends.

How things have changed.
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How do you know if he's the one? Not the love story definition but in the given present circumstances kinda thing. The artist part of me always thinks that there's someone better. So it doesn't matter if the other person is perfect, it only matters if you're perfect for each other. How are you supposed to know that? I probably don't understand because I've never been there.

Aloof.
I've been told that a lot by quite a few friends this year. I cannot read the gestures that other people give me. Friends ask me if I flirt or he flirts. But I don't even know what flirting is and when I ask for a definition, they can't really describe it. A friend asked me if I knew when guys are checking girls out. Once we were walking around NY and she asked me when two guys passed if I saw that they were checking her out. But at the time I never really paid attention to other people, I was always looking at window displays. I said I couldn't tell whether or not they were just baffled by my choice in clothes or whether it's something else. I check guys out all the time especially what they wear but not in a sleazy way. If someone wore a neon pink shirt, you'd notice right despite what their body looked like?
Then when it comes to discerning whether or not a chilling session is a date or not is confusing to me. I think that incident just topped it off.
I don't mean to be aloof- I just don't want to read into things that really have no lines to begin with. I like to take upon the 'no assumption' approach and whatever a guy does, I will just take it in a platonic way until he tells me otherwise.

I wish I was more aware, but I'm not. I'm new to this game which has a set of rules I'm not sure to play by.

First Love

I call this research. XD

Talk about a storm of entries. I don't start work until June so I have a lot of time on my hands right now. I moved into the larger bedroom that overlooks the beach. It's really nice.

So I went to my old church today, ECC, which used to be in the HK Convention Center. They recently acquired their own place which is now renovated. This is the second time they held service there. I must say it's quite nice! They have a floor for formal worship and then the floor above is coffee shop style with informal seating. There's live worship and then the sermons are live to air (of course with a four second delay thanks to Janet Jackson). Towards the end when doing announcements the pastor says if baking is your spiritual gift, the church needs people to bake goodies as after-service refreshments. Err... can you even call that a spiritual gift??? I'm not even sure what constitutes as a spiritual gift anymore.

Yeah anyway this is my very first time listening to a sermon I actually learned something and was able to really stay awake during. Wow. I was so refreshed! Plus it was on Revelations; a book rarely touched due to its symbolic, abstract, futuristic nature.
Anyway I'm just gonna write down what I learned from the sermon because I really enjoyed it:

Revelations 2:1-7

Revelation 2
To the church in Ephesus
1"To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: 2I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. 4Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. 5Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. 6But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. 7He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

Background: Revelations 1 addresses what is perfect: Jesus Christ, ruler of all nations. From there on John addresses the problems within the seven churches: two are thriving, two are falling and three are somewhere inbetween. The pastor uses Van Gogh's Starry Night as an illustration of the dying church. I didn't even see this as an artist, but if you look at the landscape, he depicts the entire city lit up EXCEPT the church. I didn't notice that before but during the sermon I was like "akjenrakwrnw!" Anyway the point was to say that the dying church is a scary thing.

Focus: The church of Ephesus

Praise:
Imperfection seeking perfection. John praises the church for being able to discern what was truth and what was fake. Just as counterfeit goods can be spotted if one studies the real thing first, the church in Ephesus was able to separate those who gave themselves the title of an apostle from the true believers.

Problem:
4Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

The church in Ephesus was so consumed with legalism and being right, they forgot to love.
Truth+knowledge+orthodoxy made them forget to be loving and to love God's people. Separation between knowing/seeking and loving.

Remedy/answer:
-5Remember from where you have fallen...: life before Christ, remembering how little meaning there was before God and what He has done since then.
-Repent: derived from military term which means to walk in other direction when recognizing error.
-Return: love can cover a multitude of sins "and do the deeds you did at first..."
Parallel verse from Ephesians 3:19
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge

Yep nice, short, concise and to the point. I loved it. It's been a long while since I heard a good sermon that didn't just meander and deviate from the scripture. Oh so refreshing! :D
I'm wondering if I should even look at other churches now... cuz I really want to hear the rest of the series (seven in total for each church). Crap!
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So afterwards I followed my uncle who decided to have lunch with his brother-in-law and his wife. We bumped into this uncle who looked really familiar. Turns out he knows my parents becuase they used to go to RHCCC together but met up at this church in HK. And apparently I used to live one street below them and have been to their house for dinner. So we ended up all having lunch together. His son, 25 years of age, who studied art history and photography was quite an interesting guy: liked Tim Keller, had a sarcastic edge to his words and actually asked me if I knew who Audrey Kawasaki is. Wow that's the first time a guy ever asked me that and he understand what I mean when I say I think her work is part anime, part klimt, part surrealism, part realism. XD I loveee her work. Anyway. So besides having been to RHCCC, he went to St.Andrews in Aurora for a year plus he knows this girl called Jesse Chung, a photographer who did a lot of work in fashion and comfort women in korea, who is really close friends with one of my classmates in NY. I've never met her but my classmate just mentioned her a couple of times and for some odd reason, she just popped into my head when he mentioned her. Weird. I just got that small world feeling.
Anyway since he's a photography major, he's gonna take me camera shopping/touring/testing so I get a feel of which model's right for me. Now I really don't know what camera to get. :( Nikon's starting to edge Canon back out. ROAR. I probably end up not getting any kind of camera. lol.

We began talking about churches and I mentioned how much I enjoyed the sermon today. He gave me this face and I asked him why he looked so bleh about it. Apparently the pastor was starting to 'lay down the law and put his foot down'. I said I didn't mind it because lately I've been listening to a lot of sermons that didn't really have much of a clear point and just meandered.

Yeah interesting afternoon.
Main point: let me never forget my first love, Jesus Christ, who is my home, my friend and my God until the ends of the earth.

Funny joke made during sermon:
Pastor: There is no such thing as a perfect church because none of us are perfect. But if you do find a perfect church, it'll be imperfect once you join.

So dry!
Yeah although I was pretty hesitant about returning, I really like the sermons here and I'm continually refreshed by their simple prayers that reflect the church's devotion to God. They prayed that although they were blessed with a newly renovated building that all these would fade away etc. Plus they have volunteer sessions where they help out at an orphanage in China every Saturday. Very cool.
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Third Culture Kid.

Um can you tell what image I was trying to imitate (see one of previous entries)? The sad thing is is that my favourite two images were taken within the last 45 minutes of our visit to Center Island; we missed the ferry so we ended up staying and taking more pictures when the sun was most ideal for taking such pictures. I swear this is the last image I'll post up from this photoshoot. I'm not exactly sure if this is an infringement of 'privacy' although I was the photographer.

Conversation while sitting in car with driver and grandmother watching my aunt get something in the store.
Chauffeur: Auntie's shirt is faded.
My grandmother: that's because she and her sister wear them so much.
Me: Why doesn't she buy new clothes?
My grandmother: Why? It's not like they have to impress anyone since they're not getting married.

Oh what old age does to you.

I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!

Well for Buddy the elf it was a girl, for me it's HK street fashion. It's good to see something beyond american/canadian style. This is refreshing. I love it. I want to buy all their ideas but unfortunately my wallet only goes so deep. So I guess it's just all ga-ga for me.
It's only my first full day here but I met up with Angie around 3:30 and we walked around Times Square and Causeway Bay area. First, a trip to my favourite HK style cafe 'Anytime' and then we wandered around the shopping plaza which consists of small boutiques crammed together selling japanese women's clothes, menswear and trinkets of all sorts. GAHHHHHHHHHH. I saw this black shift dress with a white underlayer and the black has been laser-cut with skulls so they pop out slightly to make this really cool lace-like effect. When I saw it it instantly reminded me of Jun Takahashi's, head designer of the label 'Undercover', skull cape which consisted of thousands of purple chiffon skull cutouts sewn on. Frick. I love it. Anyway the only item purchased today was a Gloomy Bear laynard. ehehe. He's so cute. Too bad no one shares my sense of morbid humour. And then Angie and I spontaneously decided to get her hair cut at this salon we spotted through a billboard. We climbed the three flights of stairs and went inside. There were a couple of really good looking hairstylists in there. XD One guy looked like Shun. Cough. Mb it's just their hair. Iono. Anyway Angie couldn't get an appointment right then and there so we booked it for next Sunday. Hopefully she can sleepover on the Saturday and we can go to church on the Sunday and then get her hair cut. If it turns out well perhaps I'll get mine cut again in August. Human hair extensions are sooo cheap here. It has that downtown cool mixed with underground locality which appeals to me.
There were a ton of people I wanted to take pictures of today. I just stood in Times Square with my sunglasses on eyeballing teenagers and their clothes. XD I wish I could take pictures of all of them to show the variety but I already look really creepy watching them that if I pull out my camera, I'd probably get arrested.

I received a $2000 scholarship being a student doing sustainable design. Six students were chosen and I was one of them. Basically I had to write a few paragraphs on what I was doing, my design philosophy and why they should give me money. Though the first two parts were longwinded, my answer to the last question essentially went like this: I need money because if I want to start my own company, I need funding.
Yay!

I know this is completely irrational but my self esteem is taking quite a blow here. I guess you could say I use a lot of superficial things to define myself: height, my future goals, my major, weight, style etc. While I felt somewhat unique in New York but at the same time having the ability to blend in with the other races, in Hong Kong I feel like only half a person. Half a person because HK is relatively a 'pure' culture. I know it's been under British rule but it's very much a monoculture. I can't speak Cantonese well let alone read or write. And I've been relying on my ability to verbally communicate with others to define my intelligence particularly on my interest in design. Today I saw two Chinese girls about 5'11" walking around but their legs are like sticks. Frick all the girls here are sticks. And they all have a really clean complexion. I feel like I'm neither here nor there. I'm just a deviation between Chinese and 'the other'. I look Chinese (then again a lot of people mistake me for korean.. not sure why), but I'm a lot curvier than all the boy-body girls here (which means no pants fit me... let's not talk about shoe sizes either). I'm considered skinny in the States; I admit it superficially boosts my self esteem but here I'm just normal/overweight. The irrational side of me is thinking of how I can now lose weight but still be able to eat breakfast, dimsum, lunch and dinner with my grandmother (they already think I'm trying to 'gam fei' because apparently I eat very little...)
I think the greatest blow to me is my inability to articulate any of my thoughts without thinking through them first. And when the words come out of my mouth I can hear how off it is despite having repeated it in my head a couple of times before. My tongue is not used to forming those kinds of words anymore. And I hate it when people tell me I have an english accent. I know it's just me being overly-sensitive but it annoys me to no end. It bothers me that I'm Chinese but not really. Psyche!
I must stop putting confidence in such things.

I don't mean this in a condescending way, but I don't think many people understand what it's like to live in many places. I have very few friends who have lived in three cities in three different countries. The majority of them have lived at home all their lives or moved out for the very first time when they went to college. I feel like I know so much more but at the same time, so little. I can draw parallels between the places I've lived yet I cannot call myself an expert or local of any of my homes.
So here's to cosmopolitanism, third culture kids, hybrids and suitcase lifestyles. Cheers.

Bullet Update

Wanted to experiment with more fashion-oriented, 'artificial' photography. Taken last year and was going to put it up on facebook but never got around doing it.

-I got the best seat ever: aisle with the partition in the front meaning there's plenty of space for my 5'8" body.
-I sat next to an older woman who only spoke Mandarin. Yeah it was interesting trying to talk to someone in Cantonese who spoke Mandarin. She was able to say some phrases in Cantonese which made it a lot easier. She threw up when we were descending... into a bag at least.
-There was a white flight attendant who, upon serving lunch, said to us "gai! gai!" -_-
-I watched the rest of National Treasure 2, I am Legend, some HK film called Bullet and Brain and Return of the King. XD
-First reaction upon arrival: HO YEET AHHHHHHH (translation: SO HOTTTTTTTTT). apparently the weather was in the teens the previous days and today it just so happened to be sunny and 29 degrees. Oh grossness. I can't breathe.
-Staccato nap: interrupted by numerous phone calls including two Torontonians.
-Dinner consisted of eight dishes. Frick the steamed fish is amazing here. Now I remember why as a kid moving back from HK to Toronto, I hated the fish served there. It tends to be quite 'hai': not the soft, smooth fleshy texture of HK fish.
-I've realized that although I want to find home, I'm scared to actually choose a place because what one city lacks, the other offers and what that city lacks, another offers. No place is perfect. Toronto is lovely the main reason being my friends and family and physical house. It also has a great Chinese community while maintaining cultural diversity outside the borders of Markham. :P It's a nice place to rest up and relax without all the stress of citylife. The one thing that drives me nuts about Toronto is the lack of things to do, seeing the same Staples/Tim Hortons/Home Depot/Burger King combo over and over again at each plaza and the city's lack of public transportation. However it's also close to New York. New York is great for its sheer diversity of races, it's culinary delights (save Chinese food), and its art and design. There is no other place in America like New York. The transportation is fantastic (well the subways can be a little unpredictable and slow) and it's easy to navigate as long as you can count. Hong Kong's transportation system is even better in some regards. The Chinese food is great though its strength is also its weakness. You will never be able to find a multicultural palate like New York: every kind of food is Sinicized to suit the asian taste bud. Hong Kong is perhaps the bridge between Toronto and New york: trees and water exist side by side with skyscrapers. The problem with HK is the pollution and the lack of activities to do beyond shopping and eating. In NY we have many galleries and shows to see while HK... what art galleries are there???
-I've started watching a Canto drama here called 同事三分親 (The Best Selling Secrets- yo I never get why the English translation is so far off from the original Canto. It makes it so hard to google it). Anyway the actor is super cute when he smiles. Talk about fangirling. Parsons has given me a new appreciation for straight guys. HAHAHA. Sigh. And why are my preferences getting girlier?! Oh well I guess that's good since I'm in HK. Then again.
-Hong Kong is perfect for taking j-drama/asian-styled photos. So funny. I was riding the Airport Express and picturing Joyce and Syd standing on the railroad tracks. Sigh.

Transience

You asked me if I always felt lonely.
I always feel alone. There's no greater reminder of this than saying goodbye to your family as you walk through security/customs by yourself at the airport. Personally the airport itself is a symbol of both a mixture of fear and delight, excitement and dread. The airport is a reminder that you have to travel through life pretty much by yourself with a temporary strand of companions and this scares me.
I can cling onto anyone for that emotional support but it only lasts so long before moving again.

I'm in the VIP lounge at the airport right now which is why I have internet access.
Here we go again.

Waiting.

Looks somewhat familiar eh. Swapped the long gown and brown wig for cliche art critic hair and Edna Mode attire.

-I'm leaving to HK today/tomorrow. It's funny that I actually am missing people already although I am so far away from them 98% of the time. How can you miss people you hardly see? Just the idea that we'll be an ocean apart scares me. I wonder if it'll always be like this.
-Although I'll be staying with family in HK, I don't feel that same sense of family like I do with my family here. I guess it's the language barrier. I pray that God brings me close to my grandmother and help me love my aunts although it can be unbearable at times.
-I'm a little scared for my self esteem while I'm in HK. I don't usually worry about my weight because my love for food is stronger but I can't imagine being surrounded 24/7 with skinny, short Chinese girls and not feeling like crap. I know I can't buy shoes or garments for the lower half of my body because they don't come in my size. My roommate doesn't even consider me Asian anymore in terms of physique. Please, please I don't want to get caught up in trying to be like someone who I'm not.
-Baby, don't cry again; how familiar this scene is. Hold your hands tight; you and I don't wish to part. Everytime when I want to say something; it is just better to stay silent.-Kiss Goodbye, Wang Lee Hom
-I met up with a friend from NYC who went to my high school back in toronto at Destiny today. She personally knows Henry Lau from the Korean boy band, Super Junior and now she regrets not going out with him. LOL. Best laugh of the day. I am convinced that many of these manufactured stars are not really good looking, they've just been styled to look a certain way and look good as a team but not as an individual.
-I've realized that as much as I want to start a relationship, I've noticed that I never like it when I actually get it. Having encountered certain relationships the past semester, I've realized that when things come too easy, I become disinterested quickly. No pain, no gain. They say the guy likes the chase/hunt for the girl however I've kinda noticed that I like the fact that I can never reach what I want to obtain. I guess this comes from a part of my artist mentality where perfection is never realized. You can come close to it, but never taste it. I can't explain it. I like initiative; it's attractive but at very key moments which I find many guys often miss. Key moments such as just making the first move in introductions to follow up. Then all the stuff inbetween depends on how much pressure the guy puts on the girl. My NYC/Toronto friend once told me she loved the chase where if the guy came too easy, she'd mark him off right away. At the time I didn't think myself of that type of person until an incident came up that made me realize perhaps that our sadistic natures actually are attracted to some level of pain in order to make the objective seem more appealing once it is fulfilled. Then again, it's a delicate balance between the two.
-I once wrote that if a guy were to propose to me, the bells and whistles prior to the actual proposing would have to be extremely creative to the point where I could not have thought of it something like that. I was talking to the UN Crew about this and we concluded that all the theatrics was necessary before saying 'yes'. Generally I'm a pretty thoughtful person when it comes to giving things to people be it planning events or giving gifts. So I want to be impressed. Basically I want him to be able to top me when it comes to creativity, artistry and details. I am extremely detail-oriented visually. It's no different from a writer with his grammar.
Yeah good luck with me finding someone like that. But the UN Crew agrees: no ring in a flute of champagne please. That'll just reflect poorly on his lack of creativity. Fear of possible rejection means going beyond the standard and doing something sublime.
-Tennis in the rain. It was good to get that out of my system. I am itching to play on a dry court with a mix of sun and cloud. If only.
-Tanya, Alex, Angie, Robyn, Dor, Pui, Jon, Tammy along with old school friends. I'm still afraid of going back despite some hints of familiarity. I'm already tired of the exoticism that so many people find attractive in traveling. I just want to burrow my head in a comfortable place I can call 'home'.

So here goes nothing. Back to a place I called home nine years ago. That's almost a decade. On one hand the memories seem so distant but on the other, it feels like not too long ago.

Daily Doings. Reflections on Cloud. The Fob. The Game of Love

Exhibit One: Why Sam needs to stop watching japanese dramas... because she ends up taking photographs like this. Then again, it's not a bad picture. XD My eyes just hurt a lot after staring at the sun too long through a lens.

Daily Doings
A record of what I've been doing just so I never forget.
Day 5: I think this was Sunday. Went to church, had lunch at Ten Ren's with Jer and Rin, Pmall and karaoke with Kev and Andrew. Was presented with a scrapbook by them and thanks to alex, got my reactions videotaped on Rin's camera. Spontaneous chinese dessert-ing with Dor at night. We always bbt but this was the first time getting Chinese dessert together... it took ages. -_-
Day 6: Twas the day of good eating. Got treated out to Spencer's in Burlington by my cousin who came to visit NY. She recently got a stable job so she treated us all out at this restaurant overlooking the waterfront. Steak frites and some extremely cleverly displayed Taitian vanilla cheesecake (chocolate shell tower with cheesecake inside topped with lemon foam... chocolate gelato and oreo crumble as garnish on the side). Hot pot with my cousin and Derek at night.. and then Chinese dessert with two Sarahs. I always knew the UN Crew as the 'only-reserved-for-fun' group: we never got close, we just small talked and chilled together. Yet lately we've begun to really start talking about things beyond school and into deeper things like relationships. I've created a pseudo support group through them and they're the best people to be getting advice from. I talked things out with them and I'm content with a few decisions I made with their help. A friend pointed out to me something I wanted to do that was very much out of my nature and that perhaps I should not because of this.

Today: Just ran a bunch of errands and went to buy sandals to abuse whilst in HK. Talk about shoe shopping spree: patent leather black Salvatore Ferragamo's and a pair of Prada's. I'm not going to justify the prices, just that yeah. I walk a lot more than I drive and knowing my feet problems has created a lot of issues for me in finding good walking shoes. The Nine West pair I have are beyond redemption: got them in 2005 and they've worn down past the sole and into the body of the sandal. As much as I'd like to be cheap, in the area of shoes I can't. NOT because I like the idea of owning labels but because of the quality that's supposedly attached to certain brands over others. Besides, gas is so expensive these days anyway! I'm semi kidding but I'd rather not travel down this path of trying to justify expenditures that I know people are probably judging me on.
My parents decided to take me out to a belated birthday dinner at a japanese restaurant at the Westin Prince hotel. It exceeded my expectations in terms of presentation that's for sure. Since I got the prefix everything was put together and displayed so beautifully. I was extremely impressed. XD
Yep and I saw Ironman with Kevin. I'd give it... 7.5/10. I guess I hyped it up too much since everyone was saying how great it was that I got a little too excited and expected a little too much. All I can say is that the character development was done quite well and I really liked the computer graphics programs. XD OH and the suit was pretty sexy too with all its gadgetry.
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Reflections on Cloud
-So I've been testing out this Henry Cloud theory. I've subjected myself to his ideologies in hopes of seeing whether or not it works. And if it didn't, find the holes within his theory. After about a year of this I've made several observations:
it is EXTREMELY hard to meet six new people a week. I eliminated this part due to lack of time. I have a feeling that Cloud caters his message towards the young adult/working group. I am still a student and I'm young so I'm not feeling too rushed... yet.
-He doesn't really factor in emotional attachment that one gets with certain people. As rational as some of us like to believe we are, a lot of us will be lenient to certain individuals in the hopes of getting better results. The UN crew and I talked about this yesterday: we generally are partial to certain people we prefer over the rest in order to swing the outcome one way over another. We tend to overlook some of the negatives in hopes that the positives would balance them out. And as one of my friends said, once you lower your standard slightly, it just snowballs from there. And because we are partial to certain individuals, we tend to immediately focus/zero our attention on those people rather than doing the whole 'meeting six new people a week'. Besides, I really am having a hard time remembering all the small talk I make every week.
-It's hard to define whether or not one is meeting others for selfish reasons or for outreach purposes. There are times where I feel like I'm just trying to get some relational high off of someone else rather than truly trying to get to know the person. It makes it even harder if there's this goal of meeting six people a week yet as I said earlier, I've eliminated that portion.

Overall, interesting philosophy but hard to follow. I gotta read the book again to refresh my memory but there are times where I see that Henry Cloud doesn't take into account some of the emotional aspects of being human. At the same time it's been semi successful experiment.
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The Fob
What comes around, goes around. I don't want to say I like a certain type of guy but now the whole anime, more feminine, fob look is really appealing to me. Looking back on the crushes I had, there really has not been a type that I've stayed away from. If the high school me saw me today, she'd probably be mortified by the fact that I'd actually be attracted to some of the UHSers I used to make a face at. It's so sad. I kinda see how I started deviating to this type from a fashion standpoint. I've been really unimpressed by Western ladies fashion lately; everything is recycling so quickly, everything is starting to look the same. I like to say that I'm very in tune with trends since fashion is essentially the evolution of clothes from an aesthetic standpoint, it has become intuition. I'm very 'in tune' with what I like and don't like, the majority of the time my taste in clothes is farther along than what the stores are currently offering. I hate this whole empire waist and bubble hemline look that they're offering right now. It looks like maternity wear and does not flatter the majority of girls and I'm sure a lot of guys are wondering when the pregnant look came into style. Last year I did the whole ruffles, high necklines and extreme girly looks taken from Lolita and Mr. Darcy from 'Pride and Prejudice' and this year it's really popular. I've become more interested in wide, low-cut necklines that show off the clavicle and shoulders. I really really like shirts and dresses that show a lot of back (I saw the one in Ironman and laughed to myself. I did not like that front though. Bad costume choice). Anyway this is why I haven't bought many clothes in the past while: nothing really impresses me nor are there any clothes that fit my taste regime in the present.
And because I started looking at menswear and then slowly began to look for inspiration in japanese magazines such as Fruits and at Pacific Mall (about the only place where I buy clothes in toronto now). Fob fashion is where it's at. The stuff is more interesting, more eclectic and more daring compared to American fashion. Since fob fashion began to look more appealing, so did the guys who wore them. And I must say again, j dramas don't help either. I'm a punch sucker for skinny ties, white adidas with black stripes, dark washed denim, one button blazers with interesting tailored details, clever graphic tees, messenger bags and knit scarves.

Hero Jae Joong:


The guy who every asian/fob girl is crazy for but who I'd never date (only in my dreams) probably because he's prettier than me. But he'd make a great doll to dress up. I love this picture. He has a beautiful bone structure. As Robyn said, "does this person exist in real life?!?!"
Yes and my cousin fangirls certain guys ever so secretly. ;)
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The Game of Love
They say love isn't a game. Yet so many analogies about this subject come from this concept of poker and gambling. At times I wonder whether or not viewing love as a game is such a bad thing. Games are taken seriously as well as for the means of fun right? I just find a lot of my choice in diction when I describe and talk about relationships are intertwined with the ideas of showing hand, poker face, dealing cards and taking risks.

Just Breathe.

Vogue May 2008 featuring Smallville dude and model. Something about this picture caught my eye the first time I saw it. Perhaps it was the lightness of the subject or the warmth in the colour; it's just a beautifully done shot.

What just happened?

I missed my 11:30 flight and had to take the 12:30 with my friend. I never learn. Watched National Treasure 2. It was twice as enjoyable since our plane was going through a lot of turbulence, it felt as if I was on that car chase with Nicholas Cage.
Day 1: arrived in airport, had a late lunch with parents.... don't remember what happened later. Oh, Go For Tea with friend.
Day 2: Forgot... oh eye doctor (I tell him that I always see him before I see any of my friends which is true) then early dinner with two other friends at Congee Wong and spontaneous trip to Markville Mall.. last min plans with Raps Crew at Destiny
Day 3: podiatrist appointment, long engagement photoshoot with Joyce, Syd, Kev and Andrew on Center Island. Salt and then 'A Place For Us' till.. 2am.
Day 4: Cupcake Shoppe on Eglinton and Eatons with a couple of Raps Crew. Went back with one of them and just chatted, and then family dinner and Destiny with cousins followed by a visit to a gr 11 guy thinking if going to Parsons and needing some advice.

Everything's a blur. But I'm happy. I haven't been getting much sleep lately but it's better to have things to do than to have too much sleep without little plans.

A lot of friends have been going through a lot of relational problems lately with a mix of extreme emotional abuse to rather circumstantial arguments. It makes me wonder if the day ever came along when someone told me that he'd love me forever yada yada- my intial reaction/reply would be skepticism. And I'd probably remain a little 'distant' until he proved his words through actions.
I think it's funny that friends confide in me about their boy problems. Not that I don't take it seriously, but at the same time, I am the least experienced person to be talking to. Then again it's probably because they just want a listening ear.

And it's because I am always the listening ear and the initiator, that when a friend mentioned today that my memory rather sucks, I realized it's because I talk to so many people, I pretty much forget everything they tell me. It's not that I mean to but my harddrive can only store so much information. So I always feel bad for forgetting what people tell me except I know I probably would not remember it again if they repeated themselves.

It's been a year. May 16.

Pride comes before fall. But I've noticed that when I'm in Toronto, I'm always comparing NYC to it.

Ugh too tired to write. More later.

Home is where the Heart is

The Balloon Project

Contrary to yesterday's rather dismal weather, May 13 was full of sunshine and warmth.

If home is where the heart is, what if the heart doesn't have a home? We build homes in the hearts of others yet they're always moving.

We got breakfast together at The Coffee Shop.
I looked at her today. Goodbye, I'll see you... whenever
Don't say that, she said.
She looked a little sad- a little teary-eyed.
You're the first person I have to say goodbye to.
Really? I wish I could stay in NY longer but yeah...

This routine is an old one. And yet the feelings that surface seem so new each time. It's a song that's been sung so many times, but every time the tune is played, it sounds different. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I just hugged her and wished her luck.

I must say that this year has been really hard on me socially.
Cloudification comes with a price. Cloudification not determined on strickly a gf-bf level but in all aspects of my social life. And I mean that in all seriousness.
This year I will probably be letting go of two of my closest friends in New York. I met one through taking a Draping class with in my sophomore year. We stayed in touch and always went out for cupcakes or to explore the Meatpacking District. I was there when she first went out on a date with her boyfriend (oh yes, third wheel) and was there when she was upset that he wanted to break it off. She'd always randomly call me to come down and play and it was fun. She drew me in because she always took initiative to do stuff other than just work.

The other is the welcoming ministry leader who will probably be leaving to Arizona. I can't say she's always been there for me but she's just one of those people who when I first met up with over rice pudding at Rice to Riches, I immediately knew I could trust her. And she seemed to genuinely care about me and all that mattered most personally.
You could also say she was my Henry Cloud confidante. I'm usually very tight lipped about this issue especially to family and close friends, but she doesnt judge me when I tell her in person.
She also invites me out to a lot of group events and encourages me to get to know other people from our church. Although we probably only hung out about 12 times, I'm glad I got to know her. It saddens me to see that the person I trust the most at church is leaving.

I keep getting flashbacks on the past month: drums, sakura matsuri, frozen yogurt, murakami, philip glass opera, movie after movie... People ask me if I'm ready to go to Hong Kong yet I'm so focused on getting to Toronto, HK seems like a distant idea. Yet it's only a week away.

My friend and I got Red Mango the past Wednesday and sat on the steps in Union Square at 11pm to enjoy the dessert. It was one of those monumental moments where the world feels both small and large: small because we were both talking about going to China to work as designers, large because, well, we're in New York and it's always brimming with people.

And here we are again. On the brink of transitioning into two worlds. I'm living deja vu. It's cyclical: last year I walked down 14th st to meet a friend for lunch on a sunny afternoon and took passport pictures for my trip to Paris. This year I did the exact same thing except I went to buy brownies for relatives. But it seems so different. The melody's the same but the lyrics have changed.

Home is where the heart is.
My heart's in too many people at once.

21.12

May 12.
Five minutes left.
I'm 21!

In Anticipation// Addressing the Senses

So it's tomorrow.
I don't want it to come, I really don't. I'm scared; scared that I've pinned so much hope on this day, that it won't turn out to what I want it to be. I think I'm in love with anticipation over realization.
21.
There's an extra syllable, an extra number, an added year. '20' slides off your tongue effortlessly. 21. It's harder to say, your lips have to shape itself into an 'o' for the finishing touch. Twehn-tee-wuunnnnn.
*
I think I just make a big deal out of this becuase I don't find the following years worth celebrating over. It's just me. '22' sounds.... like weak fanfare.

She said, "we'll celebrate later."
In my head I said, "we'll see about that."

There's a commercial by Macys, it goes something like this:
Girl: So did you get me anything for my birthday?
Boy: Nope sorry.
Girl: So no flowers?
Boy: Nope
Girl: Chocolates?
Boy: Nope
Girl: How about jewelry?
Boy: Nope but I thought about all these things.
Girl: Awwww.. that's so sweet. hugs boy I love you.

Voice over:because obviously the thought that counts is not enough.

It's true. Actions speak louder than words. Don't lay off the guilt on your failures of being a good friend with words that do little for me and more for you.
I've stopped trusting people based purely on words.
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Trim the bangs, keep the length.

Close your eyes
I could feel the cold, hard steel of the blade resting lightly on the apple of my cheek. The cogs of the mechanical movement echoes in my skull as he snips, I feel the flecks of hair rest on skin.
He didn't seem to see me. All he saw was hair. As I sat there staring at my reflection, he disappeared into his own world where it was just him, his scissors and hair. At times he forgot the stylist was there, like the assistant is to a surgeon. It's an interesting dialogue: I could smell the woody scent of tobacco when his hands came near the lids of my eyes mixed in with a whiff of aftershave which clung to the pleated white shirt he was wearing.
Curtains of black hair slid across the white canvas tied to the nape of my neck. Omg, there goes one year of patience. I waited a year to get it to the ideal and now I'm taking it all off.
From a stagnant pool, opened the dam, restoring movement to rivers.
My head feels five pounds lighter. Swish.

In my pseudo depression last week I booked a hair appointment with a Japanese hairstylist whose clients include Yohji Yamamoto, Chanel and Jean Paul Gaultier. This entry was more on the sensory perspective than one on thinking and philosophizing. We often forget to remember how it feels to do a certain activity. As creatures of habit, a haircut to most is another chore, another menial task to get out of the way to carry on with more important tasks.

At times I feel as if as Christians we ought not to take pleasure in the physical aspects of life because they are almost too erotic and intimate to be talked about. Oh what a luxury it is to be able to actually say what it felt to derive such feeling from being touched. The pleasure that one feels when someone else runs their fingers through untouched and still hair is exhilarating. It sends shivers down the neck and dissolves as it runs through the body.
I love feeling the cold, creamy touch of silk running down my torso when trying clothes on in the change room.
I love the sound of different vegetables as the cold sharp knife slices through; first penetrating the skin and deep into its flesh, finished off with a dull thud when silver hits wood. Cabbage has a crisper, watery sound. Tomato barely there with only a slight hint of a crack and then its pure water from there.

I always write about how I emotionally feel. So why not physically?

To lust with the eyes and the mind is a sin.

I am not here to go against this. But I'm sure, though most people my age would not admit, that they have thought of what their first kiss would feel and taste like.
Though I can only imagine what it would be like, I can only say it would be based on a lot of eye contact. Eye contact because when someone could level me with his eyes do I know that I can fully trust him; that I know I've been fully accepted as I am. I've noticed that I make very little eye contact with people, especially in New York City where you are constantly passing by other pedestrians on the street. I often bat my eyes away out of embarrassment or shyness so those who I can look into for more than five seconds, are probably people I trust most. I don't mean to be rude. I'm scared to look at people to know what they think of me. A Japanese chef was standing outside smoking a cigarette when my friend and I were crossing the street. I look up, he grins and I look down. I don't know why I do that. It's an action so embedded into my nature, it's hard to make a conscious effort to change this.

I'll probably regret this post when I read it tomorrow. I sound crazy when I write at 3:30am.

The Heart Gleaners

Pirelli: reminds me of the Jean Francois Millet's painting of 'The Gleaners.' The hazy luminosity of the photograph seems to radiate that heat in which the women are working under.

I start blogging a lot when I have no one to turn to.
I've been extremely emo lately, especially today. It seems that whoever I've been speaking today has really pissed me off. It's not just one of them per se but as a collective I'm just really sick and tired of people especially friends.

"Sam, I'm still editing my paper and at 2 I have to meet my broker.. I'm gonna skip class so could you turn in my paper for me?"
"Hey, long time no see, so when can I bring stuff to your apartment to keep over the summer? And when are you returning to NY after the holidays?"
"Hey I don't want to eat alone, can you come sit with me?"
"hello?" (no answer)

I feel like a dog.
I've lost a lot of faith and trust in people this year. Whenever anyone promises that they'll do something for/with me, I just pretend that it's never going to happen because they've disappointed me numerous times in the past. Love keeps no record of wrongs. But the past is a constant reminder of why friends are never reliable.

Lately everyone has been breaking up and I've been there for every single one of them. Sitting there, watching them, talking to them, comforting them, offering support. Yet who is there to listen to me?

Sometimes I keep asking people question after question, leaving some awkward silences inbetween to see if they'd take the initiative to in return ask me something. To see if they care of it's just in their interest to put all their emotional baggage on me.

Today it was her birthday. I bought her a vegan cookbook as well as a NY Vegan directory. She asked me what I wanted. I told her I didn't want anything. She insisted that there must be something. I said, "all I really want is for people to give me some of their time."
Yet it seems like the hardest thing to get.
Is it that hard to understand: to grasp the fact that all I want is time and not more stuff?

I have done nothing to hurt you, so why do you hurt me so?
I was so foolish to think that perhaps there was something more when there wasn't. I put my high hopes in my imagination and pinned them on others. I'm so naive.

Something inside me snapped today.
And I feel like I've been hollowed out.

Camera Lesson// Sakura, Sakura// The Gift Economy

No I did not make the sugar flowers on top



Surprisingly the most labour intensive ones were not the cupcakes in tinfoil with flowers on top but the ones with plain sprinkles with brown paper cups. I had to cut strips of web paper into strips, fold, wrap around the cupcake and then tie it with a piece of twine to resemble an obi. Yeah it took me ages to keep the paper and string held tightly on the body of the cake. And it takes only a second for consumers to slide them off. -_-
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Camera Lesson

Okay I've been asked countless of times what the difference is between Canon and Nikon SLRs. Here it is: Nikon takes more realistic, photojournalistic photographs while Canon has a more romantic, artistic quality to it and tends to enhance the lighting and colour. So can you tell the difference from these two images I took?





The first is the Nikon: that's what the weather looked like when I shot the picture and the second is obviously the Canon with the blurry background and extreme blue hue. But yeah, that's the difference between the two types. Most young people like Canon for its romanticization (because we're all in denial of our tragically ugly lives).
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Sakura, Sakura



So my cousin came down again to visit the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. We were lucky, it was supposed to rain but the clouds held back and we were able to go there unscathed. Since everyone was anticipating rain there were relatively few people sitting around the picnic designated spots. We packed a lunch of small sandwiches, canned tea, pink champagne-frosting chocolate cupcakes and strawberries (so sweet) and spread out some random fabric I had at home under the trees. It was nice, admittedly a little cold and damp because it rained the night before but by the time we were about to leave, the sun came out. The activities themselves were a little disappointing and the cosplaying was horrendous, nevertheless the trees still held on tightly to the flowers that are going to soon wilt and die off.
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The Gift Economy

I don't want to make this sound like a really selfish complaint/rant.. but yeah I'm just going to start writing all that's been on my mind lately.
So my 21st is coming up this time next week; to a lot of people this is just another year, and just another birthday not worth fawning over.
But I want to do something, I really do, but I'm socially burned out.
I can't expect friends to do things for me, and by the way, if you are reading this I am not by any means trying to hint at anything. I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone. I know I should not expect anyone to go out of their way to plan anything since everyone has finals right now and have to move out of their dorms but at times when you do something for a friend, you can't help but hope they reciprocate and return the favour. It is a favour, and a favour should come with no strings attached. But it crosses my mind when I host birthday events or bake a cake for someone else etc. It's natural and I can't help but wonder if I did not plan anything for my birthday, would someone else take the initiative to do it? You treat others in the way you want to be treated right? And if nothing happens on my birthday, I'd just let it pass.

Plan my own party you say? It's not the same. I'm driven to plan things for other people because I like the satisfaction watching the receiver enjoy herself. It's immensely rewarding. As I said before, I go out of my way to do things for other people because I know there's that not only does it strengthen the relationship but there's also this feel good factor that comes with it. So when it comes to planning things for myself, I have no incentive or drive to do anything because it's for myself: the end goal is to satisfy myself and not others so it doesn't really make me want to do anything. Now if it was a friend who planned it, it would be different because I feel loved; it's not me doing something for myself.

All I really want from friends is their time. I don't want gifts because gifts in the end, are just products you throw away (yes here we go with the sustainability philosophy) but I've realized as a New Yorker, because we live in such small spaces, having stuff just amounts to a lot of stress. The Japanese spend little money on home furnishings since living space is precious thus they put all their money into designer goods: wear your social status, not live in it. And I would not ask my friends to pay for expensive gifts: show me a good time, not give me stuff. So these days I've been investing all my disposable income into service systems. Although they are intangible products, I find them much more rewarding in some aspects than actual objects. Well the majority of them are food related. lol. Instead of buying clothes, I go to a nice restaurant with a friend: not only does it satisfy a basic need for energy but also allows me to spend time with someone. Or when Robyn was over, we went out for cheap manicures and packed two cupcakes for the japanese manicurist as a gift: all of these emphasize more of the social than the tangible (yay my nails are a sheen of gold). Going to museums, galleries, parks are all service systems than products.

So to me, the greatest gift a friend could give is their time. Oh gifts, in the physical object sense, are nice to but I'd probably like the gift more because of its sign value as a physical manifestation of their love for me.

It hurts to know that people don't or can't make time for me for my birthday. But I can't say anything either because they are not obligated to make time or do anything for me. As I said earlier, friends are based on a gift economy where neither friend has a right to demand anything from one another.

One of my closest friends from church has no time for me because she's graduating and probably leaving New York for the next while. Her parents are hosting a grad dinner for her on my birthday in which she invited me to come along. I don't think I'll go but I just wish she could spare some time to just talk because this is probably the last time I'll see her for the next while.

I'm just frustrated from giving so much (four birthdays to be exact in addition to extras like Small Groups, being on Welcoming Ministry and Senior Night and also having to find time to spend with my friend from Toronto who is visiting).

I really don't want to care anymore.

Because No One Deserves Anything

Map of the Problematique is pounding in my ears.
I'm feeling a little irritated right now.
It doesnt' help that's 3AM in the morning.

I don't mention my roomie a lot because... I'm paranoid.
Anyway today as I was putting the finishing touches on my cupcakes for Seniors Grad Night tomorrow, she starts to quote a scene from 'My Best Friend's Wedding' where Julia Roberts is trying to tell Cameron Diaz that she is like creme brulee: high maintenance, prim and proper while guys like jello which is comfortable, normal and low maintenance. She then prompted that I was like creme brulee and she was jello. Or to further expand the analogy: I am Haagen Daaz ice cream and she is drug store ice cream. I said I was not high maintenance. She defined high maintenance in that I wear my outdoor clothes when inside the home (she changes back into pjs as soon as she gets back... I never grew up doing that so I still don't). She also said I like things well presented and packaged, and I'm a snob in that I like to bake from scratch rather than from mix. I said she liked well presented things too and she countered by saying that despite her love for all things pretty, she would revert back to what was comfortable and easy. I liked doing that stuff for other people but if I ever bake for myself... well I never bake for myself.. but when I do I use Pillsbury dough.
Then she said this,
"Uh most people don't appreciate all the stuff you do. You're basically doing it out of pleasure for yourself and not for others. Most people, besides me, don't really care about that stuff."

Yeah tell me that when I've spent four hours choosing, concocting, buying, baking, mixing, decorating and presenting all the cupcakes.

I cannot deny the fact that I derive pleasure from baking. But the fact that she bluntly told me that people don't appreciate it was a little hurtful.

God, sometimes I just want to give up. What's the point in doing things for people. Friends are a gift economy and I can never expect anything from my friends but I give so much and to what point? Because all that I do for them are gifts- I shouldn't expect anything back. I'm afraid to expect things from others for fear of not deserving anything because there is not that commitment in friendships. No longer do I expect people to do things for me; I probably expect too much out of them.

And I'm not high maintenance. It's why I hate terms like 'fashionista', 'diva', 'girly girl' so much. I hate being labeled because I dress a certain way or have hobbies that resemble a british old lady. Hey it's not my fault I was brought up in Hong Kong and grew up on British food. Oh yeah, she said I was "such a girl" when I told her I was making pink champagne cupcakes for the grad night. This may be true but I thought champagne would be an adequate ingredient for such a celebratory evening such as Grad Night.

Anyway, time to sleep: training session in the morning. I feel so disappointed.
Or perhaps I'm just too sensitive.

Turn it Up!// The 'Paradoxic' Life

Macro shots are my friend

Omg, it's May 1. 11 more days. Goodbye, April. Hello, May.

I hate it when people blog to garner attention. It's like Facebook. I'm guilty for employing such tactics which is probably why I hate it when friends do it too. But in essence, I love blogging because 1. I learn best through introspective thinking and this helps me to flesh out ideas 2. I like writing.
An indicator of those attention seekers often come from sporadic/few entries and those who display their urls prominently on their msn/facebook name. Maybe I'm totally wrong but that's what I've noticed. Consistent blogs with an extensive archive are rare these days.
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Turn it Up!

I've started deviating away from hip hop for now, putting this aside for a new interest in lounge music as well as British rock and roll. My music tastes change rapidly according to the people and places in my life; it's a dangerous road and I hate to say it but it does become a thread that holds relationships together. Anyway, to the music I'm currently plugged into:

Brit Rock
-The sexiest song with an awesome blend of electric, drums and keys: Muse// Map of the Problematique.
This is quite different from what I normally listen to- the vocals are not to of my taste- it's rather pulled out and monotone but the instrumentals make up for what I dislike. If you don't really want to listen to the entire piece, just listen to the intro and from 4:10 where they start jamming. It's the sexiest thing ever especially on your earphones.

-Accompanying that is Muse's Supermassive Black Hole. The intro is yet again super sexy.


Lounge
-So I've started looking around at bars in the Meatpacking District to go to to have a celebratory drink with some level of alcohol content. I came across the Buddha Bar and like most club/lounge/bar websites, it includes a music playlist. I've become really hooked on music that has a synthesis of traditional Chinese instruments with the new hip hop/beats/techno.
The first on the playlist has hints of 'Parisian-ness' with the accordian: Bliss- Breathe. Very chill.

The following song on the list is called My Phuong Nguyen - Huong Viêtnam.
It serves as great background music for when I'm trying to work. Then again I work to pretty much anything that sounds good.

I also found another group called The Shanghai Restoration Project which mixes hip hop beats with Chinese instruments. It's not the most amazing, creative music; it rather lacks in creating variations and original mixes as well as the vocals are rather 'asian' (as in the lyrics make no sense or have nothing to do with anything.. but it's forgivable since I consider this more lounge/atmospheric music unlike Chinese/Japanese pop).
-Babylon of the Orient: it's all repetition but it's catchy.

Another one from the Shanghai Restoration Project: Miss Shanghai.
Actually my friend heard the song on the Buddakan website and I refered her to the artists.

Okay that's enough music for today.
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Starting from yesterday, life was and is going to be crazy. From having class 9-3 which included a presentation on my potential senior thesis projects (as usual I spoke way too fast... except I don't notice it until people tell me) to listening to drums at a studio uptown to Small Groups to prepping for Senior Night this Friday to coming home to greet my friend who flew in from Toronto to baking pink champagne cupcakes (they didn't card me when I bought a bottle!) to writing a crappy response paper.

I'm not complaining. I like a busy life. It makes me forget a lot of things I don't want to think about. Ironically, having a schedule and plans makes me feel rather free; free from people.
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Small Groups ended yesterday. It didn't hit me that I'd miss my tiny Small Group of five until now. At the beginning of the semester I wrote that I was becoming increasingly frustrated with the relationships within the fellowship which were not progressing anywhere. Though we were mid semester through, I saw the guards slowly starting to crumble, and looking at these friendships now I've realized how fond I am of them.
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The 'Paradoxic' Life

"It's obvious that you are passionate about your subject. It shows through in the way you talk."
It was the first thing my teacher said to me yesterday when I wrapped up my thesis proposal. Friends have told me they loved how driven I am towards a certain goal. I guess I'm lucky that I know what I want to do in life careerwise and have recognized my passion already. At times I wonder if God let me know relatively early on because it's going to be one hell of a ride realizing all these goals of mine that I might be 80 years old before I can run my own store. I'm driven, yes, but I'm also really scared. Questions like: "who will financially support my business?" or "how do I even launch a project this size?" are always popping up. On one hand although I understand the field of study I am passionate about realizing, I have no idea how to do anything. I just have a bunch of ideas I'd love to take for a spin. I've noticed that when I start talking about my major, my voice gets higher, louder and I start talking extremely fast. lol.

The past Sunday I went to a Sustainability Expo where I sadly saw a lot of greenwashing. Greenwashing is basically a product that just appears to be environmentally friendly but really is not. Along with my fashion designer friend, we started a mini debate with one of the store vendors who took 100% cotton garments and recycled them by adding in POLYESTER (why?!?!) to create new clothes. When I asked "what happens to the garments if I want throw them away?" The man said "why would you want to throw away our jacket?" In my head I was thinking "first it's ugly, secondly not everyone wants to keep a jacket until it disintegrates from too much wear. And why would you mix polyester in with cotton when it can't be recycled again?!"
I've noticed that one of the greatest vices a designer has is to actually test out their product for fear of it actually failing and not going according to concept. It's the reason why computers suck so much these days. Rawr.

I've realized that sustainability does not lie in products. If you focus on making green products, you still end up with a product that has no purpose other than to just take up space. Rather the key to sustainability is within a service system. Design a service where products can be recycled into an infinite number of times and the consumer does not own anything, he just borrows. That's where sustainability should be headed- not into more products which are purchased. Why? Because they can be always replaced by another green product. Now if you design a system in which borrowing- the company maintains the way the products are utilized and taken back. So instead of designing a book, design a library. Instead of designing a dress, design a method of a lend-borrow clothing library.
There's nothing like moving out of a house, that makes you realize how much unnecessary crap you own.

The reason why I love fashion and sustainability together is because sustainability is deeply rooted in philosophy. The way we design and make things all stem from different worldviews and ideologies and I love how my sustainability professor ties in philosophical ideas with the design of products.

You see, I'm not interested in saving a polar bear. If anything I won't really be affected by global warming first. It'll probably be some family in Sri Lanka who I'll probably never meet be affected first. I, on the other hand, have a pretty good chance at surviving any environmental crisis. It is not to say that I am totally untouchable. What I am trying to say is that I am interested in design that drives sustainability through our artificial urban environments. Planting trees is nice but I'll save that for the hippies and other Waterloo kids.
I've had the privilege of growing up in both a suburb and a city that most people I know never had, thus I have experience from both that creates a perfect synthesis of nature.vs artifice. I love the city: I love it because it's fast paced, it's bubbling with energy, it's full of ideas and design, it's full of people and things to do. The suburbs on the other hand, are quiet tree-lined villas that are nice for temporary retreats. But in terms of sustainability, although most of my Toronto friends probably see more trees and grass than I do in five years, the suburbs are the death of the environment. New York is known to be the most energy efficient city in the States because its high density population results in the need for public transportation and small living spaces. It's great.
Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is is that I want to design for the city life, and NOT for the treehugger in its most literal form.

I'm beginning to see why God lead me down this path that's barely been set foot on. I love it: it sets me apart from the rest, gives me the ability to serve others and collaborate with designers as well as satisfies me in terms of the need for beautiful objects that are always changing. I am both the consumer and producer. I am both the suburban dweller and the cosmopolitan girl. I am both a treehugger and a fashionista (ew I hate that word). My life is full of paradoxes.

Overarching arcs of flowers