The 50lb Suitcase

I've forgotten which ones I've posted in the past, but whatever, this series of images really fit my mood these days which I can't really describe in words well


I've been really into jazz music these days. 91.1FM is a staple on my radio. It's calming and soothing in times of drama.

I've been praying for God to turn my fear into praise, my doubt into joy. Because I'm about to return to New York.

I remember having to read this book concerning the seven largest fears of all mankind back when I went to the Journey church in first year. If I had to pick two of my greatest fears, it'd probably be Loneliness and the Unknown. Loneliness because my struggles have always been in idolizing people, and the Unknown because I tend to rely on myself rather than on God. They go hand in hand to create some pretty big sins in my life. So the reason why I fear going back to New York is that
1) I won't have family there- and I've basically been hibernating this past Christmas with them. (Loneliness)
2)My archi friends are no longer in NY so one network of friends I have been 'relying' on will be gone (Loneliness)
3)I have no idea what this semester will be like (The Unknown)
4)I will be moving out of my apartment and who knows where I will end up (The Unknown)
5) On top of that, I will be graduating and I need to find a job.. somewhere (The Unknown)

Yeah. In my head I know everything will be fine precisely because God has been so faithful these past years that I know this last semester will be no different. Yet a part of me still grips tightly onto these fears. But what are fears than just evidence that we do not wholly trust in Him?
Fear to praise, doubt to joy.
God already proclaims His power in Isaiah, so I have nothing to be fearful of for I am worth more than a handful of sparrows:

Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed. Isaiah 49:23

Why should I fear being alone? Why fear what others think about me if I am living for God?

I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mere mortal human beings, who are but grass, that you forget the Lord your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor who is bent on destruction. Isaiah 51: 12-13.

Why do I fear the unknown? Why do I fear what I cannot worry about if I am powerless to stop it from coming?

For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar- the Lord Almighty is his name. I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand- I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.'Isaiah 51:15-16


My mom used to call me a 'worry wart' because I'd start worrying about things like Tuesday swimming classes on Saturday. I would proclaim to her back in grade 2, that 'Tuesday is the worst day of my life' and start dreading it long before it arrived. I think, if we truly understood who God is- being the Almighty, the All Powerful, we wouldnt be worrying about the things in life, nor our future nor who we end up marrying.


WOW.
I just suddenly understood something.
It just clicked as I was writing this.
I've been question God what it means to fear Him. Solomon ends Proverbs with 'Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.' (31:30) How are people righteous if we fear God? But I suddenly understand that if we fear Man, our fear motivates us to try and satisfy Man. Thus Man becomes our idol. But if we fear God, the fuel that drives this fear is to find peace in God. Nothing else matters if we fear God, because the object of our fear is a hunger filled only by God Himself. Fear tends to make us zero in on itself- it is magnified precisely because we cannot bear the thought of facing it. Similarly, being a God fearing person makes you zoom in on God.

It's kind of like being on stage. You're behind the red velvet curtain, psychologically prepping yourself for your act. The rows are beginning to fill up- who did you invite? Is it your friends, your best friends, your family, people you admire, your mentors, the kids you babysit, your significant other, or your fellow classmates? Perhaps there are people you admire: teachers, counselors, politicians, pastors, celebrities in the front rows.
Showtime. The curtains are drawn back. Deathly silence.
Your heart's pounding. Momentary stage fright.

What drives your fear? What motivates you into action?
It's not a new concept. We've all heard it before: God should be the audience of one.

And yet the fear many of us confirm is that we are afraid of what others think about us therefore we seek to please people.



I am so slow.
This was just another take on Matthew 6.

It's why I don't think I can return to Toronto. Toronto is the easy way out- it eliminates my fear of being alone because I have family with a physical home and because this is a familiar place geographically. And although I cannot predict the future if I ever chose to stay in Toronto, I do not see it being very challenging. So as much as I'd love to take the easy way out by finding a job in Toronto and temporarily pushing away these idols, if I want to add more depth into my life, I would need to get out.

But it is not to say I think God won't bring me back here. Perhaps I'll find a great job here and move back to the city. But that's a matter to be prayed about: talk is just talk.

* * *

The other day the story of Jesus and the rich young man popped into my head,

21Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
22When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

23Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."


As I continue to read the Bible and go along this walk with God, the more I realize how I am not in fact the third party blameless, but the very person who Jesus confronts.

According to aeroplan, I'm a 'Prestige member'. Wow I don't get associated with the word 'prestige' quite often and I'm sure most of us don't. It's because I travel so frequently, Air Canada loves me.
Packing has always been a test of my character in accordance to my perception of my material goods. Packing only allows you to bring the essence of yourself. Within 50lbs per suitcase (that's 100lbs if you travel Air Canada) in addition to a couple carry-ons and a purse, you are forced to create a summary of yourself. Passport, keys, cell phone and a wallet are a given. The rest is up for you to fill in the blanks.

My teacher once said, that airplanes should start weighing the passenger with their luggage because it's unfair that heavy people can bring so much stuff along with their own weight. Yes it wasn't PC at all.

But oh the dilemmas! To bring the pretty coat that I recently just purchased or to bring the functional one? Or perhaps bring both? But that would quickly rack up my pounds. I could wear many layers of my heaviest clothes to lighten it up. Which shirts to bring, how many pairs of socks before I need to do laundry every other week. To bring a frock or not? Oh and shoes- two pairs of boots, a pair of heels and... sneakers? Will I be working out or are fashion sneakers like Converse, be appropriate?

And I've realized, that the rich man is me. In North America we often don't identify ourselves as the man with great wealth whom Jesus challenges to give up everything and to follow Him. We often see ourselves as 'middle class'- perhaps out of modesty, but I believe it's because most of us think we can always do better somewhere, somehow compared to the kids next door. A bigger house, a faster car, a fancier computer- you get the point. We don't see ourselves as materially blessed enough. Yet as I look at my suitcase and the number of things I'd want to bring for a trip- the things I've become attached to and 'can't live without,' I've come to realize that if Jesus this day, came down and asked me to leave that suitcase that I so carefully distilled to the very essentials of my being and all that I value, I don't know if I could do it. Although the items in my suitcase are of most trivial value- my favourite coat, a hoodie I made this Christmas, my laptop, my sketchbook, my contact lenses etc, I may go into panic mode in realizing that I'd have to give these things up. That basically represents my social life (laptop), my work (sketchbook), my identity (passport), my confidence (contact lenses and makeup), my pride (clothes). I have paid my shares of overweight luggage many times.

Even the disciples fell into despair:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?" " Matthew 19:23-25

Mentally pack your suitcase and all the things you'd bring with you on an extended vacation where your date of return is beyond your knowledge. I think most of us have some particular items we cannot 'live without': extending beyond possessions to even certain people.

Oh what to do?

Then the following verse, I believe, is the answer to all our problems:

26Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Yeyeye. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you goodnight and see you in New York City!

The Inauguration through Isaiah

I love this series of photographs


Random convos bits with my mom:

While watching inauguration stuff on tv
Mom: Have you heard of Usher?
Sam: Yeah... he was in back when we were in gr 10.
Mom: Yeah I didn't know.. they kept talking about interviewing Usher and I was like "why would they interview an usher who works there???"

While watching the Obamas dance at the Neighbourgood Ball
Sam: I wonder if they had to take a few dance classes before they went to the balls
Mom: What the.. they just 'yuk lei yuk heui'. And besides, most black people can dance.

Sunday evening I learned how to play mahjong with family
Sam: Ah I don't know what to do! I don't want the gie (chicken in chinese as in bad mahjong combos)
Cousin: You won't get the gie if you put the same suit down
Sam: I'm a gie, I'm a gie, I'm a gieeeeee
Mom: Don't say that, because in Chinese 'gie' is 'prostitute' so you are calling yourself one.
(everyone laughs at poor sam)





So I guess we now have a new president.
To be honest, the only reason why I watched the inauguration was because I wanted to listen to Itzhak Perlman and Yoyo Ma play as well as see what Michelle Obama was wearing. I don't keep up with politics- I have a number of reasons. So yes I am very ignorant of what is happening in America.
But I know that by wearing Jason Wu, a recent Parsons graduate, to the ten balls the Obamas had to attend last evening, that it will be interesting to see how these non traditionalists break the rules and lead this country beyond snubbing the usual Oscar de la Renta. Jason Wu= a rising small name designer that only insider fashion people know. Oscar de la Renta= traditional, Hamptons, established designer. I'll let you figure how this all connects to the new president's viewpoint.
Fashion is frivolous but it is also a powerful tool for communication. And if you are fluent in this constantly evolving form of language, you can understand how dress speaks volumes of our current social structure and beliefs.
Anyway I was listening to his inaugural speech expecting a tear jerker that would excite me, as an American citizen, to have hope for our nation. Personally I thought it was a pretty general speech- I found Samwise Gamgee's speech at the end of 'The Two Towers' to be more powerful than the president's. I have nothing against him, but I guess I was just expecting more.



I love her hair (on her- the sheer weight of that would really annoy me)

I've realized that our walk with God is like writing a thesis. You have to constantly go back to the 'main idea' of the paper. At times we get so carried away with our arguments, that we totally forget what the point was in the first place. The best theses, essays, articles etc always stuck with the main point- never allowing the reader to forget what the author was trying to prove.

Likewise, there are so many times I forget that all we do is for God. I constantly have to remind myself that we live for God.

That night, after watching the inauguration (and Larry King Live talking to Tim Gunn about the presidential fashion of course) I was reading the book of Isaiah.

If you want to read a good inauguration speech that is guarantee to 100% deliver, read Isaiah and what God promises His people. Because throughout Isaiah, God calls to a people who have placed their hope on the Egyptians and the surrounding nations, to go back to Him for He ensures their well being. In Isaiah, God shows:

That He is God: I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols (42:8)

That He will be the Known in our uncertainty:I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the tinhs I will do; I will not forsake them. But those who trust in idols, who say to images, 'You are our gods,' will be turned back in utter shame (42:16-17)

Do not be afraid, for I am with you (43:5)

We are His: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine (43:1)

That He is our Protector: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will nto set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour... (43:2-3)

Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and fortell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one. (44:8)

That He loves us: Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you...(43:4)

That there is no one like Him: Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no saviour. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed- I, and not some foreign god among you. (43:10-12)

I am the first and I am the last; apart from me there is no God. Who then is like me? Let them proclaim it. Let them declare and lay out before me what has happened since I established my ancient people, and what is yet to come- yes, let them fortell what will come. (44:6-7)

Tell us, you idols, what is going to happen. Tell us what the former things were, so that we may conside them and know their final outcome. Or declare to us the things to come, tell us what the future holds, so that we may know that yo uare gods... but you are less than nothing and you can do nothing; those who choose you are detestable (41:22-24)

That He is Eternal: All people are like grass, and all humans faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever (40:8)

He is All Powerful: Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it? (43:13)

That while we may be hung up on the past, He is working in the present and future: Forget the former things do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and strams in the wasteland (43:18-19)

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. (43:25)

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you (44:22)


THE BOOK OF ISAIAH IS SO GOOD. I LOVE THAT LAST VERSE. "Swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist." Oh you are so poetic even in your prophesy.
Isaiah really moves me- God just displays His magnificence in the book of Isaiah. Just read chapter 40.

I'm glad CBC based their theme of 2009 on Chapter 40 because it strongly resonates within me. However the sentence structure was plain weak sauce "Renewing strengthen & soaring on wings..."

Honestly.

If I was a non christian, I'd be like "what the heck!?!?"
What is that statement supposed to mean?! It really bugs the heck out of me- it sounds somewhat mystifying to the point it just confounds you. They watered down one of the most comforting, beautiful, refreshing verses in Isaiah:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (28-31)

How can you just boil it down to finding strength and flying?
Everyone knows humans are forgetful creatures. Which is why, though painfully obvious, God reminds us so many times of the things I just listed above. I choose verses from three chapters but He continuously says them over and over again. It's like a thesis, He always goes back to the main idea that He is God, to turn away from Man-made idols and to trust in Him.

Isn't Isaiah so much better than the presidential inauguration speech? The assurance we can have, to trust a leader who is eternal and who guides us with the very same hands that created the heavens. God promises to heal the land, to relieve those in poverty and in need in ways far more powerful than any president can ever try to do.



I think one thing God is trying to teach me, and something I want to learn, is how to just praise God for who He is. Not to praise Him for what He has done or for the things I want fulfilled, but just to honor Him as being the God of our lives. The sheer magnificence and the magnitude of His love where no force is strong enough to separate. This doesn't resonate any greater than in the following verses:

20 The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the desert
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.

22 "Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,
you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.

23 You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense.

24 You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,
or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins
and wearied me with your offenses.


We basically ask and take, while the rest of creation lives to glorify God. What the heck are we doing? God has not asked for anything, yet the only things we are willing to lay at His feet are our own problems, needs, wants, lusts, issues while steadfastly keeping back all the good things in our lives.

If God is indeed a God of our darkest fears, the God of our silent tears, He is also the God of our laughter, the God of our joy.



Wow, initially I was scared that I wouldn't get anything out of Isaiah, but I love it. So good. God is good.

Cambridge//Loo Revisited

Oh fashion couples- how you ooze awesomeness. LOL jk. Well, not really.


Wo xihuan! XD


Not something I particularly like but it's quirky






I really want to cut my hair short now.
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Brown sugar tuiles- made these for New Years. Made to be accompanied by ice cream

From Thurs to Sat I went to Cambridge with my accountability partner
Sat to Sun I was in Waterloo.

It was fun.
I've realized that there is more fear than pleasure in my relationships with people. In NY I'm used to playing the role of the host/leader- I find stability in knowing that my role is rather indispensable despite how much I may dislike it. However when it came time to play 'visitor' I am quite at a loss as to how to be a friend as a taker in the most passive sense where you trust in people to organize and initiate.
I am one of those people who can't sit still. If nothing is happening, I will go out of my way to make something happen.
I'd rather take the scenic route if it means going at 100km although it takes longer to arrive to destination than to take the local road at 60km and arrive two minutes earlier. I'm just like that- it came out of having to live alone in a huge city. I guess it's the fear of the unknown that makes me just want to do something just to force some certainty and control in there.

Anyway.
So to play Guest was a little daunting because I am used to being Host.
But before playing, I decided to plan some of the outcomes- to take control of some of the unknown.
I decided to bake.
It's my way of communicating to the general public- my mouth is in the stomach.
1) William Sonoma cappuccino cheesecake with a brownie base for one of the archi students who came to NY who loves cheesecake.
2) Strawberry tart for one of my models/stylist for my previous amateur photoshoot. He insisted on "some form of berry tart minus all the christmas crap, ginger and pears". Simple and straightforward- nothing 'fancy'.
3) Tiramisu for one of the guys since it was his birthday that Friday. He doesn't like dessert but I decided to make it because they mentioned the only celebratory thing they have time for are $4 cakes that sometimes are already expired. Anyway, another archi friend tried it and loved it so even if the birthday boy didn't like it, at least someone else does.
4) Inside out carrot cake cookies for the boys at Macdougall house where I was staying at in Waterloo

The hardest thing about making these items wasn't the actual creation of the desserts. Rather it was figuring out how to transport them from my kitchen to downtown Greyhound to Cambridge. Initially my mom gave me a crate to carry them all in since the cheesecake and tiramisu were extremely heavy and the tart was extremely delicate. Except I was also carrying a purse and a large bag as luggage.
Clever me remembered there was a Japanese method of tying fabric around any given object to make a 'bag'. Looked it up on the net, furoshiki, and then eliminated the huge clumsy crate by carrying the cheesecake in fabric. Everything else was placed in the largest bag I had. Go me. And everything arrived in tact.

So we arrived in Lamebridge at 6:30. No taxi, had to call for one. Prior to our arrival there was a long Facebook msg going on about what was to happen. I was particularly grateful for one friend who I've only met once yet he took initiative of what was to happen upon our arrival.
So we arrive at Josh's place (I'm just going to start using names to make life easier), mull around until he came back from BS and then walked in -30 degrees to Joon and Richard's place. THE CUTEST APARTMENT EVER. I'd love to have one of those in NY.
Anyway, Richard, the organizer of this whole trip, was in the kitchen (picture him with black chef apron. LOL) while we sat and talked and listened to his jazz music, made sauteed shrimp as an appetizer, mixed us some sweet cocktail drink and prepped his signature mussels dish with lightly pan-fried bread. It was soooo good washed down with sips of red wine.
Richard cut Josh's hair- the rest of us watched (yes I find it entertaining).
Dessert time- strawberry tart appropriated from two different recipes- orange zest shortbread crust with mascarpone filling and my own strawberry design. It was pretty good.

We then headed off back to Josh's place where we met up with Dion who got his cheesecake which was then divided between all the housemates.
Day 2- we went to Iconography class with them from 10-1. Break time- Richard treated us to hot chocolate. The first person he introduced me to actually lives a two minute drive from me. WEIRD. I read my accountability partner's book on worship for the audience of one until the prof started talking about fashion in the Rococo period to the time of Napolean.
We then had lunch at Viet restaurant, went to the studio and hung around for a few hours before dinner at 6 for Josh's birthday. Table of 14 at Thai restaurant. We then split- we went home to watch Deathnote (LOL) and skyped with a mutual friend from NY. Everyone congregates again to have the tiramisu for Josh and one of his housemates whose birthday they missed the week before. It was a huge success- even the ones who didn't like dessert liked the tiramisu and those who sampled the other ones prefered the tiramisu above the rest.
I was then introduced to the game of Mafia.
SO MUCH FUN.
The line of the day with Josh as the narrator, my accountability partner and I as the two remaining Mafia members trying to kill off one of the guys and Josh forgets who we picked: "On 106th street, Yolanda was walking on the street when a truck ran her over... and.... then she was saved by the manhole." *turns around to face the eliminated people while my partner in crime and I were in a state of confusion* "Wait, I messed up didn't I?"
And I can't forget "So can the Mafia please put their heads down. OH wait.. heads back up, I can't remember who the Mafia people are!"
We played till 4am.
And then friend wanted to finish Deathnote so we were up till 7am and slept for two hours before heading off to a round robin brunch with diff archi people. Then went back home to wait for our ride to come to pick us up. He came really late so we sat around with AY, Han and Karen and just talked. It was lovely. So simple but so much fun.

Then proceeded to go to Waterloo thanks to one guy driving me from Loo and back. I was so dead that day but they hosted a huge hot pot dinner at their house. Anyway, I don't really care to reiterate what happened there. Church was interesting. I was just plain awkward the whole time with the Loo kids and I was too tired to make small talk with every person there. Everyone knew each other except me. I baked an apple galette for them.




I no longer know what to think, feel or how to react to friends and budding friendships.
I read a book my dad recently purchased called 'Grown up Digital' concerning how our generation is influenced by the internet. We no longer want companies feeding us new products or the latest gadgets- we want to be prosumers that are actively involved in the process of making, innovating and product enhancement. If companies want to become successful, as the author advises, you must make friends with the consumer.

Yet the definition of 'friend' is rapidly changing. I'd like to say it's diluting. For as sociologists, according to the book, have observed that prior to the internet phase, the average person would maintain a circle of 150 friends, now we each have about 700 'friends' all available through the click of a mouse, a message on a wall or a video conference away. What was a world that was defined through six degrees of separation has now become, scarily enough, two degrees.
Disagree?
Let's use me as a case study:

So I know Josh through Robyn.
Through Josh I got to know Joon in NY who saw me on Facebook before he got Facebook through Richard.
I got to know Richard because of the photoshoot this past summer- this visit to Cambridge marks only the second time I've seen him yet we've conversed quite a few times through Josh's MSN or via Facebook.
Richard knows of Tommy because his piano teacher knew him really well.
Betty introduced me to Tommy. Betty went to the same HS as me but I didn't get to know her until this year.
Robyn introduced me to Betty who she knew from HS
I introduced her to Josh, Richard, Joon etc.
Richard also now knows of David, a friend of Dion/Karen/Joon because I constantly mention about the two that they've become friends on facebook.
Joon is Richard's roommate, and I know Dion and Karen through Joon.
Karen and Josh's housemate, AY, is a high school friend's best friend's boyfriend.
Tim, Josh's roommate is old friends with Rebecca.
Rebecca is one of my Arts York friend's classmate at Ryerson. I met Rebecca a year ago in Hong Kong.
Rebecca went to LA to visit Tim and she met Josh and Richard there for the first time. She added them on facebook later only to realize we were all mutual friends.






Whenever someone asks me "how did you meet Joon/Karen/Richard/Dion?" it becomes a really complex story that really makes no sense unless you were acquainted with our network of friends. So yes, the two degrees of separation exists.
Yet I've realized that despite MSN/Facebook and all the communication technology that exists to help us connect with one another easier, the options have made us into fickle consumers the leave once the tough gets going. The sheer amount of options and the opportunities to meet more and more new people have allowed us the ability to discard what friendships that seem to dwindle for more exciting new ones. This has created very shallow, fickle consumers out of us looking for the next relationship derived from emotional pleasure and ignoring withering ones. 'Speed dating' for friendships is a daily activity. In the past, when you made a friend, you had to commit to them through face to face visits, written letters and phone calls. Nowadays it becomes so easy you have to do little to maintain a 'friendship' Perhaps we are all now overexposed with Facebook and instant messengers of sorts. As one of the guys said "I don't have a cell phone. I can reach people when I want to but they can't get to me unless I call them. It's great." Perhaps I should eliminate some stuff.
I've noticed my friendships have about a two year 'lifespan' where they peak approximately the second year and then fade to the back.

At Cambridge, my friend explains to me that they made a schedule where two people are put in charge of cooking dinner and they rotate. This is the only time they all sit down together as a house to chill and eat. We thought that was so cute- like a mini family.
It came as a surprise to me when I was saying goodbye to one of the girls, she began to talk to me about her relationship issues. She said I reminded her of her friends back at home so she found it easy to open up to me. Funnily enough I got caught in her frustrations with her relationships as a third party only looking for friends when in NY. Oops.

"Omg, wow I can't believe you actually made me something. I was actually just kidding! No one has ever baked for me before! Omg is it strawberry? OMGGG camera, camera, camera!"
I told him that I take what people say seriously (depending on the context obviously). It's not that I'm not having fun doing and planning things but I guess my levels of commitment in certain friendships is very different to how others view and give back. This game we call 'maintaining social status' is getting tiresome.
Perhaps it is time to narrow down friendships- to really see who takes it seriously. Life is too short to play around. Really, my view on most friendships is out of cynicism. I don't really believe in friends anymore. It's not an emo statement, it's basically a reiteration of why I will never put hope in people. It's why I've ceased to initiate in Toronto, why I'm pseudo hibernating. I used to cherish the ephemeral because it was the sheer fragility of friendships that I found so attractive. Yet I was loving and admiring them with a will to make them permanent which is basically futile.


It's very silly but Richard cooking and hosting dinner at his house for us really touched me. He has only met me once and has never even met my accountability partner yet he graciously invited us over. Dinner was complete with good music and Shiraz. I think that's a perfect little event- being invited over, having dinner in the company of a small group of friends over good food and conversation. It's nice to be the Guest. Am I the only one who gets so... touched by these really simple gestures?

I have no nice conclusion to all this. I wish I could say everything is fine and dandy, and give a nice ending to sum it up with some wise words but I have none. I am very grateful for the Cambridge trip, don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about the trip itself, I'm just speculating beyond the past four days. What the future holds for these friendships, I believe very little would due to sheer distance and their busy schedules. Seeing how those brief Loo friendships came and went makes me wonder how these archi ones will hold. But, for now, I miss them very much.



All eyes are on You, God.



Funny enough, if we all went through our Facebook list of 'friends' and shared the Gospel to them, imagine the impact we'd have on people.

The Discomfort in Black// These are a Few of my Favourite Things

Oh hotness. I love her outfit

I was rummaging through my closet early morning yesterday trying to find a black shirt to wear.

I really don't have any black shirt. All my shoes are black, my coat is black, stockings, jeans, LBDS (the little black dress), socks-
but shirt? I have a collection of white shirts. I hate wearing black on top because my hair is black- it makes me look 'heavy' thus all my shirts are saturated, pastel or white.

Hm. Found one. Okay, two.
Specimen #1: Black camisole probably from Walmart. Probably from grade 11 judging by the fact that I painted Elvish words of virtue that I got translated online in silver. Probably not the best route to go seeing that it is really short and exposes my shoulders.
Specimen #2: Small t shirt from Jacob connexion with some 'british' graphic on it. I remember buying this in... grade 11? I hate standard fitted tees- they're too short on me. Most unappropriate.

Seeing that I didn't really have much time, I just tried them on figuring that I could just layer crap on top and under. It was obvious that Specimen #2, the t shirt, was a better option of the two yet it still exposed the midsection. Ok down goes a grey t shirt underneath that extends beyond the torso. Black blazer, jeans, boots, coat, hat. check.


I remember my roomie and I talking about funerals a year or so ago. She was surprised to hear that I have been to none while she's been to many. My grandfather died when I was young- there is little to remember. I don't recall anything- the sound of his voice nor his mannerisms nor even an image of his body in motion.

How do you grieve for someone you don't recall?
How do you start to even care for someone you never glanced a second longer while they still breathed?

I don't know. Yet going to my first funeral, like my quest for finding a black top, was quite... uncomfortable.

The family members stand in front.
You're supposed to somehow just go up to them and say something. Or is it to make your presence known as a symbol of your support? I don't know.

The first time around was fine.
Second time was rather awkward. Why hello again

I just smiled and shook their hand. But what is there to smile about? Why does this gesture seem so disalarmingly, if not for the colour of the attire and the sad faces, like a congratulatory custom as if someone graduated or received a prize?

I have not been down this road- to have to understand what 'game over' really means in this life time. I have never lost someone I dearly loved and remember. Similarly I know that grief is not something that can be shared- in a way, the bystander feels the most helpless because no amount of cards, flowers or words of comfort can will the deceased into life. Nothing can be said to fill that void that now has departed.

Yet I can imagine, the scariest thing about having someone you held onto for fifty five years, is that while friends and supporters turn to go back into their cars and drive away to have lunch together, you stand alone at the grave.
Because you can't let go.
The scariest thing is that while the pain of losing someone feels so new every day, you realize the world around is buzzing and it's hard to swallow: life goes on.

In the realization of death and the death of loved ones do we realize that there is little we can do but submit to the Author of our salvation.

If there was one thing I learned, was to see the sheer beauty in love between a grieving wife over her husband. Fifty five years. It makes me realize the foolishness in the youthful (skewed) perception of desires and dreams of finding love. It's a lot deeper than most of us can imagine.
*

The past year, I've lost a lot of faith in people. Almost cynical, if you will, hoping that in my cyncism, people would actually try to step up to the plate and prove me wrong.

I've been reading Isaiah the past month or so.

Isaiah 29
13 The Lord says:
"These people come near to me with their mouth
and honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
Their worship of me
is made up only of rules taught by men. [b]
14 Therefore once more I will astound these people
with wonder upon wonder;
the wisdom of the wise will perish,
the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish."
15 Woe to those who go to great depths
to hide their plans from the LORD,
who do their work in darkness and think,
"Who sees us? Who will know?"
16 You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
"He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter,
"He knows nothing"?

Isaiah 30
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." 22 Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"
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These are a Few of my Favourite Things

During the New Year it's easy to forget what we have and to think of the person we should be or want to be. It's too cold, we're all broke, school has just begun, we're all fat from pigging out yada yada.
Trying to walk what I talk, I'm trying to be grateful for the things I have- for when we are grateful, we are acknowledging God in even the smallest details of our lives.

Tis the Season
-Snow on evergreen- I love the contrast between the husky green fir and the white
-Blue shadows cast onto virgin untouched snow hills
-Big fat snowflakes that flutter in the wind
-Cherry blossoms in the spring
-Springtime in New York
-Cloudless sunny skies
-Natural sunlight
-Long summer days
-Being able to enjoy the weather outside while sitting outside at a cafe, watching people pass by and talking
-The quiet beauty of the surrounding farms in the snow
-Rolls of hay on flat fields in the evening (major mack and elgin mills)
-Flat, empty horizon line (St Philips on the Hill)

It's all in the Details
-Decaying brick and wood
-Peeling, cracked paint
-Mismatched tea cups
-Sprays of baby breath
-Cobblestones
-2% Milk in a glass
-Milk tea in a mug
-The smell of a clean house
-The softness of jogging fleece
-Our new copper tea kettle
-Scarves
-Driving on the highway (without police cars and little traffic that is)
-Unfinished pine wood boxes
-Cozy, dim-lit cafes
-A good song on the radio that matches your mood and your surroundings
-Ribbons
-Brown paper and twine
-The smell of fir trees
-Light reflection on objects
-Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker suite
-The crunchy sound of snow underneath your feet
-Down blankets
-Log fires
-A well made HK style milk tea: it must leave a gritty aftertaste of cream and the strength of the tea leaf
-The sound of coffee being made- like a distant thunderstorm
-The smell of coffee and cream
-The frothy foam of matcha
-The clinking sound of ceramic being put together
-Finding the exact words you want to express on paper
-Dollarama- I am convinced you can buy a lot of things there to make a really pretty wedding
-Snuggling into cold blankets
-Your head resting on a perfect spot on your pillow that makes knocks you out instantly
-My metabolism (dinner at Jack Astor's consisted of nachos, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and cheesecake)
-My mom's pork bone soup
-Galbi tang from Kunjip
-Anticipation of something's about to happen (aka like packing to go back to Toronto from NY. It's exhilarating)

Au Courant
-I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
-Plaid
-Japanese craft and baking magazines (they're on a level high above all american ones)
-Well designed hoodies
-Sneaker dress shoes (zara)
-William Sonoma
-Purple

Timeless
-Lord of the Rings (from Sam's speech to the soundtrack to the eye candy to.. yeah)
-Reading something from the Bible that really addressed an issue you were struggling with
-A good conversation with a close friend over something delectable
-An unexpected compliment
-An unexpected gift
-A good idea
-Eating with my parents
-Taking pictures

The Joy of Baking
One reason why I like to bake is because I find it therapeutic. I love interacting with ingredients and watching them go from dust and liquid to something substantial and scrumptious. So here are a lot of small things I enjoy about my craft
-The milk of the crust bubbling in the oven
-The plump, smooth flesh of a tomato
-The feathery weight of flour
-The sound of the knife slicing through fruit, a soft thud onto the wooden chopping board
-The chemical reaction of goodies in the oven seen visually as colours and textures change
-The sound of eggshells cracking and splitting open
-The sound of bacon and eggs on a frying pan (see Howls Moving Castle XD)
-Sour cream and cream cheese: the essentials in icings
-Piping out a generous dollop of frosting on a cupcake with a scalloped tip
-Enjoying a slice of whatever you made, as an afternoon snack on a lazy afternoon with a cup of tea.
-Arranging fruit on a tart in a decorative pattern
-The patterns that the blender leaves on whipped cream
-The darkness of cocoa slowly overtaking the white ingredients
-Splitting a vanilla bean pod with the tip of a knife and scraping out the seeds
-Mulling pears in red wine
-Wooden spoons


The Frivolous
-Floating chiffon Elvish gowns
-Large hoods
-Well dressed guys (yes it makes a huge difference)
-Shopping with openminded guys
-Nicely styled male hair (aka fob)
-Bowties preferably with a plaid, stripe or polka dot
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I love this guy. He's so friggin adorable and I want to steal his bowtie
-Tacky sweaters (aka the one I bought from P mall for $15..
-A-line dresses
-Sheer fabrics
-Stylish couples- people always look more threatening if in a group thus I love looking at fashionable couples. They look so friggin kicka$$

Cute smiles: a beautiful smile to me is one that starts at the corners of the lips that lift up the eyes into half crescents. I love Calvin Chen from Fahrenheit because of this:

The two guys from Taiwanese boyband, Fahrenheit who are also in this drama I've been watching. The guy on the right, that most girls are wild about, is meh to me. Now the guy on the left although most people think he looks like a girl... darn he has a beautiful smile and a cardigan to match!
-Lambskin leather
-Sweet Trash (vintage store)
-www.yesstyle.com
-Street style
*


I discovered that secrets are just a delayed response to a desire of wanting to confront someone. That's all they really are.

God I am. God in me.

Taken whilst decorating my tree

My roommate once asked, "So do you have any New Years resolution for the coming year?"
Not really. There's nothing I really want to change about myself that requires starting in the coming year. Like I don't really want to lose weight or anything significant. I used to make weird resolutions like "be able to do the splits" yeah but that never happened
"Hahahaha I can sit on your legs for a whole month and then you'll be able to do them. Oh well that's good then- you're satisfied with where you are at."


Listening to: Higher- Hillsong
I usually dislike sustained octave notes but I found this song on a friend's blog and really started to warm up to its simple lyrics of praise.


Since my return to Toronto, I have never felt so much struggle from within. While my blog entries lately have been showing otherwise, I have never recalled feeling so estranged from a place I call home. To willingly die to myself each day but filling it with God rather than the things around me, has been trying.

I'm tired of doing.
Doing and getting nothing out of it.
This is the most honest I can get- I know, we're supposed to do good to those around us without expecting anything back. But is it so wrong to desire a sense of achievement, satisfaction of the people around you, a compliment? No it is not unless that is the one thing that fuels the things you do.
I suddenly understand why my mom can get so annoyed at us- we leave her to do all the cleaning up and she gets no rest.
The desire in me to serve others comes from the gift that God has given me in through my hands.
Yet once the idea leaves my lips, be it a party to host, a pie to bake, a gift to make, it becomes a task so immensely big due to the nature that... I spew ideas out often so I am juggling many tasks at once.
As promised, I delivered.
I promised to bake for people: so far I've done:

3 wine-poached pear tarts with caramelized almonds (yes I caramelize the almonds myself)
2 apple galettes (I tied one with a cream gingham bow)
1 batch of shortbread
3 batches of inside out carrot cake cookies
1 batch of chocolate chip cookies
1 batch of brown sugar tuile cookies (I mastered the art of curling the thin cookie)
1 pear almond tart
1 batch of sugar cookies
--------------------------
=13 items from Dec 19-Jan 2
I have been to the grocery store more than the mall. I have gone through one jar of sugar, flour and four boxes of butter.

The hurts I have felt when people have wounded me are seemingly only skin deep to people whom have gone through pasts of family abuse, poverty etc. Yet they still run deep within me that it has affected the way I do things, the way I react to people and the way I handle situations.
*

So, he continued, correct me if im wrong but ure quite the perfectionist no? so even if someone else were to do the job. u would feel uneasy because u know u can do a better job. so then its hard to let go of the position but then it does get tiring on ure part

I've only known this guy for four months and yet I feel like he understands me the most. He can see when all words come to an end and only actions speak for all language lost.
And that, is where I can't seem to die to myself. For having being flaked on, promises broken by people who I regarded as friends, I felt the need to show that I was better- that I could deliver all that I said, all that I planned. That I could concoct up an event and physically realize it before your eyes. The hurt that ran deep these past two years showed me that if people could not keep their word with appointments, dates and get togethers, I could do better. I would be that friend who would give when she says she would give, the friend that promises to be somewhere at the appointed time.

So I take the leadership position not because I want to, but because I don't think anyone can do a better job than I. From a critical standpoint, I really do not think many people can. It makes me really antsy when I see indecisive friends armed with floundering ideas being tossed around without any resolve that has no catalyst to make it land on a particular answer. I would like to say that "I am the catalyst" but that reminds me too much of this season's Heroes. Anyway... I hate floundering ideas and last minute plans because of my fear of being flaked on. I don't mind spontaneity at times but unless you show up, I will dislike it for the factor of the unknown.
But being the leader requires more sacrifice than anyone in the group of followers. Oh I've died to myself so many times yet I've felt so empty. The idea burns bright, I come in with a bang and then fizzle out quickly. In rushes the self pity, exhaustion and bitterness.

New Year preparations really just fizzled me out. The combination of dealing with social dynamics, last minute guests, late arrivals along with food prep really just killed me. Ironic, by the time I was saying "Happy New Year!" I felt tired.

But yesterday just really broke me.
A group of friends wanted me to make the pear tart that was so heralded on facebook. They asked me a week ago to make it, I said fine, "when are we going to meet?" Oh, we'll find some time at the end of the week, said they. "But I need three days of prep time to make it." Just start making it, we'll just find a time to get together, they replied. "Fine, you guys gotta write the email then."
I'll trust you all on this one. You initiate, I will just make the tart. You design the system, I will make the product that goes into it.
Monday: I made the crust and stuck it in the fridge, ready to be baked.
Tuesday: Bought pears and poached them.
And then comes the part I hate; waiting to know the appointed date so I can do the rest of it.
Wednesday, Thursday rolled by.

Yesterday we gathered for a mass MSN convo.
"Hahah we haven't done one of these in ages." said one friend
"That's because they never work out." said I.
"Don't worry, this one will." assures another friend.

I hate to say it, but my skepticism and my unbelief in others won out. I know, when most people plan things, they don't turn out well. Since no plans were created, another friend from the same group and I decided to get together for dinner to catch up in the Finch area.
The MSN convo ensues. They all live in Markham so no one is willing to come to Finch. They would rather me Viva it to Finch , and then after dinner, Viva it to Markham handcarrying their friggin dessert. I told them to come to Finch instead, but they 'can't' because of: parking (my friend has free parking), too far (carpool dang it since you all live in the same area), everyone will come at diff times (come at a time when everyone is there), gas prices are too high (total crap), later appointments so only two hours at Finch is pointless.




At this last comment I just broke down and cried.
I cried on Jan 1, 2009.
A seemingly new year of hope, of excitement of the unknown, of possibility, of joy unrevealed, fresh starts to be unearthed.
I can't help it, the self pity just rushed in.
I began this year feeling tired, I ended the first day of the year by weeping.
I am making this tart for YOU
I prepped this tart ahead of time for YOU
You said "make it ahead of time and we'll figure out the rest later"
How friggin selfish is that, for all it cost them were a few words, while it cost me time, money and resources.
I met you halfway, I delivered the promise of making this tart for you more than just a photograph- I made it into something you could now taste, smell and touch.
And yet you do not meet me halfway.
And that hurts. It hurts to see that you are so willing to put me on the line, to get something out of me without ever having to get out of your own comfort zone for something YOU always wanted.
What you are literally asking me to do is make a tart to be tasted at whatever time you appoint to be hand delivered to you at your doorstep.

I don't want to be an overly emotional, angsty person.
I want to possess that quiet and gentle spirit that is written about in 1 Peter.
But people make me so angsty.
Between sobs yesterday, I cried to God to fill me. Because I was so empty.

This morning, I went swimming to clear my head.
He said to me,
there is a fine line between servanthood and slavery: Are you serving others or trying to please them?

I realized that in my efforts to distance myself from the habits I so despised in my friends- the flakiness, the inability to trust the things that comes from their mouths and their inability to keep promises, I was trying to be perfect. My pride came from perfecting the skills of multitasking, as a leader I could plan the event and it would work seamlessly whether or not I was having fun (most of the time, I'm doing dishes). I could do all my homework as well as come out for the majority of the events that friends were having. Work hard, play hard: I encompassed that mantra this semester.
Yet in doing all this, I was unknowingly building Babel from ground up. If my friends failed and disappointed me, I would be otherwise. I would be the perfect friend: the one who shows up, the one who initiates, the one who listens, the one you can trust.
In striving for all this, I came to see that all I got out of it was emptiness. I felt hollow like those milk chocolate Easter bunnies wrapped in pastel-coloured tin foil. I heard once, that the happiest people are the ones who give. So I gave out of sheer effort and human love. Yet what I was really striving for, was to almost be like God. I was unconsciously trying to be God rather than just human.
Because all I can ever really be, is human.
The job of being God does not rest in my hands thus why I burn out so fast being the perfectionist I am.
The whole 'When I am weak, He is strong' never really sunk into me until this year. Well, last year.


There is no way of concluding this. My struggles of here and now are as written. Yet my friend, in the midst of the MSN conversation, told me to be glad. She praised God for having these friends for eight years despite the circumstances which reminded me of this passage I was reading a few days ago,

11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

Perhaps that is what I should start doing more. Praising God for all that He is. I've come to know why doing devos is such a necessity in the Christian's daily life; we, as humans, are honestly the most forgetful creatures on earth. Though we hold grudges till our deathbed, we often forget the greatness of God and the reason why we are running this race- to obtain the victor's crown that lies in heaven.

God, will you help me see beyond myself and all the unnecessary grief I have pierced myself with? For all the glory goes to you.
We say, "You are God."
But do we really mean it?
We say, "You are God except when it comes to my relationships/work/school/money/possessions which we have dominion over"

Your name is higher.