God I am. God in me.

Taken whilst decorating my tree

My roommate once asked, "So do you have any New Years resolution for the coming year?"
Not really. There's nothing I really want to change about myself that requires starting in the coming year. Like I don't really want to lose weight or anything significant. I used to make weird resolutions like "be able to do the splits" yeah but that never happened
"Hahahaha I can sit on your legs for a whole month and then you'll be able to do them. Oh well that's good then- you're satisfied with where you are at."


Listening to: Higher- Hillsong
I usually dislike sustained octave notes but I found this song on a friend's blog and really started to warm up to its simple lyrics of praise.


Since my return to Toronto, I have never felt so much struggle from within. While my blog entries lately have been showing otherwise, I have never recalled feeling so estranged from a place I call home. To willingly die to myself each day but filling it with God rather than the things around me, has been trying.

I'm tired of doing.
Doing and getting nothing out of it.
This is the most honest I can get- I know, we're supposed to do good to those around us without expecting anything back. But is it so wrong to desire a sense of achievement, satisfaction of the people around you, a compliment? No it is not unless that is the one thing that fuels the things you do.
I suddenly understand why my mom can get so annoyed at us- we leave her to do all the cleaning up and she gets no rest.
The desire in me to serve others comes from the gift that God has given me in through my hands.
Yet once the idea leaves my lips, be it a party to host, a pie to bake, a gift to make, it becomes a task so immensely big due to the nature that... I spew ideas out often so I am juggling many tasks at once.
As promised, I delivered.
I promised to bake for people: so far I've done:

3 wine-poached pear tarts with caramelized almonds (yes I caramelize the almonds myself)
2 apple galettes (I tied one with a cream gingham bow)
1 batch of shortbread
3 batches of inside out carrot cake cookies
1 batch of chocolate chip cookies
1 batch of brown sugar tuile cookies (I mastered the art of curling the thin cookie)
1 pear almond tart
1 batch of sugar cookies
--------------------------
=13 items from Dec 19-Jan 2
I have been to the grocery store more than the mall. I have gone through one jar of sugar, flour and four boxes of butter.

The hurts I have felt when people have wounded me are seemingly only skin deep to people whom have gone through pasts of family abuse, poverty etc. Yet they still run deep within me that it has affected the way I do things, the way I react to people and the way I handle situations.
*

So, he continued, correct me if im wrong but ure quite the perfectionist no? so even if someone else were to do the job. u would feel uneasy because u know u can do a better job. so then its hard to let go of the position but then it does get tiring on ure part

I've only known this guy for four months and yet I feel like he understands me the most. He can see when all words come to an end and only actions speak for all language lost.
And that, is where I can't seem to die to myself. For having being flaked on, promises broken by people who I regarded as friends, I felt the need to show that I was better- that I could deliver all that I said, all that I planned. That I could concoct up an event and physically realize it before your eyes. The hurt that ran deep these past two years showed me that if people could not keep their word with appointments, dates and get togethers, I could do better. I would be that friend who would give when she says she would give, the friend that promises to be somewhere at the appointed time.

So I take the leadership position not because I want to, but because I don't think anyone can do a better job than I. From a critical standpoint, I really do not think many people can. It makes me really antsy when I see indecisive friends armed with floundering ideas being tossed around without any resolve that has no catalyst to make it land on a particular answer. I would like to say that "I am the catalyst" but that reminds me too much of this season's Heroes. Anyway... I hate floundering ideas and last minute plans because of my fear of being flaked on. I don't mind spontaneity at times but unless you show up, I will dislike it for the factor of the unknown.
But being the leader requires more sacrifice than anyone in the group of followers. Oh I've died to myself so many times yet I've felt so empty. The idea burns bright, I come in with a bang and then fizzle out quickly. In rushes the self pity, exhaustion and bitterness.

New Year preparations really just fizzled me out. The combination of dealing with social dynamics, last minute guests, late arrivals along with food prep really just killed me. Ironic, by the time I was saying "Happy New Year!" I felt tired.

But yesterday just really broke me.
A group of friends wanted me to make the pear tart that was so heralded on facebook. They asked me a week ago to make it, I said fine, "when are we going to meet?" Oh, we'll find some time at the end of the week, said they. "But I need three days of prep time to make it." Just start making it, we'll just find a time to get together, they replied. "Fine, you guys gotta write the email then."
I'll trust you all on this one. You initiate, I will just make the tart. You design the system, I will make the product that goes into it.
Monday: I made the crust and stuck it in the fridge, ready to be baked.
Tuesday: Bought pears and poached them.
And then comes the part I hate; waiting to know the appointed date so I can do the rest of it.
Wednesday, Thursday rolled by.

Yesterday we gathered for a mass MSN convo.
"Hahah we haven't done one of these in ages." said one friend
"That's because they never work out." said I.
"Don't worry, this one will." assures another friend.

I hate to say it, but my skepticism and my unbelief in others won out. I know, when most people plan things, they don't turn out well. Since no plans were created, another friend from the same group and I decided to get together for dinner to catch up in the Finch area.
The MSN convo ensues. They all live in Markham so no one is willing to come to Finch. They would rather me Viva it to Finch , and then after dinner, Viva it to Markham handcarrying their friggin dessert. I told them to come to Finch instead, but they 'can't' because of: parking (my friend has free parking), too far (carpool dang it since you all live in the same area), everyone will come at diff times (come at a time when everyone is there), gas prices are too high (total crap), later appointments so only two hours at Finch is pointless.




At this last comment I just broke down and cried.
I cried on Jan 1, 2009.
A seemingly new year of hope, of excitement of the unknown, of possibility, of joy unrevealed, fresh starts to be unearthed.
I can't help it, the self pity just rushed in.
I began this year feeling tired, I ended the first day of the year by weeping.
I am making this tart for YOU
I prepped this tart ahead of time for YOU
You said "make it ahead of time and we'll figure out the rest later"
How friggin selfish is that, for all it cost them were a few words, while it cost me time, money and resources.
I met you halfway, I delivered the promise of making this tart for you more than just a photograph- I made it into something you could now taste, smell and touch.
And yet you do not meet me halfway.
And that hurts. It hurts to see that you are so willing to put me on the line, to get something out of me without ever having to get out of your own comfort zone for something YOU always wanted.
What you are literally asking me to do is make a tart to be tasted at whatever time you appoint to be hand delivered to you at your doorstep.

I don't want to be an overly emotional, angsty person.
I want to possess that quiet and gentle spirit that is written about in 1 Peter.
But people make me so angsty.
Between sobs yesterday, I cried to God to fill me. Because I was so empty.

This morning, I went swimming to clear my head.
He said to me,
there is a fine line between servanthood and slavery: Are you serving others or trying to please them?

I realized that in my efforts to distance myself from the habits I so despised in my friends- the flakiness, the inability to trust the things that comes from their mouths and their inability to keep promises, I was trying to be perfect. My pride came from perfecting the skills of multitasking, as a leader I could plan the event and it would work seamlessly whether or not I was having fun (most of the time, I'm doing dishes). I could do all my homework as well as come out for the majority of the events that friends were having. Work hard, play hard: I encompassed that mantra this semester.
Yet in doing all this, I was unknowingly building Babel from ground up. If my friends failed and disappointed me, I would be otherwise. I would be the perfect friend: the one who shows up, the one who initiates, the one who listens, the one you can trust.
In striving for all this, I came to see that all I got out of it was emptiness. I felt hollow like those milk chocolate Easter bunnies wrapped in pastel-coloured tin foil. I heard once, that the happiest people are the ones who give. So I gave out of sheer effort and human love. Yet what I was really striving for, was to almost be like God. I was unconsciously trying to be God rather than just human.
Because all I can ever really be, is human.
The job of being God does not rest in my hands thus why I burn out so fast being the perfectionist I am.
The whole 'When I am weak, He is strong' never really sunk into me until this year. Well, last year.


There is no way of concluding this. My struggles of here and now are as written. Yet my friend, in the midst of the MSN conversation, told me to be glad. She praised God for having these friends for eight years despite the circumstances which reminded me of this passage I was reading a few days ago,

11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

Perhaps that is what I should start doing more. Praising God for all that He is. I've come to know why doing devos is such a necessity in the Christian's daily life; we, as humans, are honestly the most forgetful creatures on earth. Though we hold grudges till our deathbed, we often forget the greatness of God and the reason why we are running this race- to obtain the victor's crown that lies in heaven.

God, will you help me see beyond myself and all the unnecessary grief I have pierced myself with? For all the glory goes to you.
We say, "You are God."
But do we really mean it?
We say, "You are God except when it comes to my relationships/work/school/money/possessions which we have dominion over"

Your name is higher.