The Discomfort in Black// These are a Few of my Favourite Things

Oh hotness. I love her outfit

I was rummaging through my closet early morning yesterday trying to find a black shirt to wear.

I really don't have any black shirt. All my shoes are black, my coat is black, stockings, jeans, LBDS (the little black dress), socks-
but shirt? I have a collection of white shirts. I hate wearing black on top because my hair is black- it makes me look 'heavy' thus all my shirts are saturated, pastel or white.

Hm. Found one. Okay, two.
Specimen #1: Black camisole probably from Walmart. Probably from grade 11 judging by the fact that I painted Elvish words of virtue that I got translated online in silver. Probably not the best route to go seeing that it is really short and exposes my shoulders.
Specimen #2: Small t shirt from Jacob connexion with some 'british' graphic on it. I remember buying this in... grade 11? I hate standard fitted tees- they're too short on me. Most unappropriate.

Seeing that I didn't really have much time, I just tried them on figuring that I could just layer crap on top and under. It was obvious that Specimen #2, the t shirt, was a better option of the two yet it still exposed the midsection. Ok down goes a grey t shirt underneath that extends beyond the torso. Black blazer, jeans, boots, coat, hat. check.


I remember my roomie and I talking about funerals a year or so ago. She was surprised to hear that I have been to none while she's been to many. My grandfather died when I was young- there is little to remember. I don't recall anything- the sound of his voice nor his mannerisms nor even an image of his body in motion.

How do you grieve for someone you don't recall?
How do you start to even care for someone you never glanced a second longer while they still breathed?

I don't know. Yet going to my first funeral, like my quest for finding a black top, was quite... uncomfortable.

The family members stand in front.
You're supposed to somehow just go up to them and say something. Or is it to make your presence known as a symbol of your support? I don't know.

The first time around was fine.
Second time was rather awkward. Why hello again

I just smiled and shook their hand. But what is there to smile about? Why does this gesture seem so disalarmingly, if not for the colour of the attire and the sad faces, like a congratulatory custom as if someone graduated or received a prize?

I have not been down this road- to have to understand what 'game over' really means in this life time. I have never lost someone I dearly loved and remember. Similarly I know that grief is not something that can be shared- in a way, the bystander feels the most helpless because no amount of cards, flowers or words of comfort can will the deceased into life. Nothing can be said to fill that void that now has departed.

Yet I can imagine, the scariest thing about having someone you held onto for fifty five years, is that while friends and supporters turn to go back into their cars and drive away to have lunch together, you stand alone at the grave.
Because you can't let go.
The scariest thing is that while the pain of losing someone feels so new every day, you realize the world around is buzzing and it's hard to swallow: life goes on.

In the realization of death and the death of loved ones do we realize that there is little we can do but submit to the Author of our salvation.

If there was one thing I learned, was to see the sheer beauty in love between a grieving wife over her husband. Fifty five years. It makes me realize the foolishness in the youthful (skewed) perception of desires and dreams of finding love. It's a lot deeper than most of us can imagine.
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The past year, I've lost a lot of faith in people. Almost cynical, if you will, hoping that in my cyncism, people would actually try to step up to the plate and prove me wrong.

I've been reading Isaiah the past month or so.

Isaiah 29
13 The Lord says:
"These people come near to me with their mouth
and honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
Their worship of me
is made up only of rules taught by men. [b]
14 Therefore once more I will astound these people
with wonder upon wonder;
the wisdom of the wise will perish,
the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish."
15 Woe to those who go to great depths
to hide their plans from the LORD,
who do their work in darkness and think,
"Who sees us? Who will know?"
16 You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
"He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter,
"He knows nothing"?

Isaiah 30
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." 22 Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"
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These are a Few of my Favourite Things

During the New Year it's easy to forget what we have and to think of the person we should be or want to be. It's too cold, we're all broke, school has just begun, we're all fat from pigging out yada yada.
Trying to walk what I talk, I'm trying to be grateful for the things I have- for when we are grateful, we are acknowledging God in even the smallest details of our lives.

Tis the Season
-Snow on evergreen- I love the contrast between the husky green fir and the white
-Blue shadows cast onto virgin untouched snow hills
-Big fat snowflakes that flutter in the wind
-Cherry blossoms in the spring
-Springtime in New York
-Cloudless sunny skies
-Natural sunlight
-Long summer days
-Being able to enjoy the weather outside while sitting outside at a cafe, watching people pass by and talking
-The quiet beauty of the surrounding farms in the snow
-Rolls of hay on flat fields in the evening (major mack and elgin mills)
-Flat, empty horizon line (St Philips on the Hill)

It's all in the Details
-Decaying brick and wood
-Peeling, cracked paint
-Mismatched tea cups
-Sprays of baby breath
-Cobblestones
-2% Milk in a glass
-Milk tea in a mug
-The smell of a clean house
-The softness of jogging fleece
-Our new copper tea kettle
-Scarves
-Driving on the highway (without police cars and little traffic that is)
-Unfinished pine wood boxes
-Cozy, dim-lit cafes
-A good song on the radio that matches your mood and your surroundings
-Ribbons
-Brown paper and twine
-The smell of fir trees
-Light reflection on objects
-Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker suite
-The crunchy sound of snow underneath your feet
-Down blankets
-Log fires
-A well made HK style milk tea: it must leave a gritty aftertaste of cream and the strength of the tea leaf
-The sound of coffee being made- like a distant thunderstorm
-The smell of coffee and cream
-The frothy foam of matcha
-The clinking sound of ceramic being put together
-Finding the exact words you want to express on paper
-Dollarama- I am convinced you can buy a lot of things there to make a really pretty wedding
-Snuggling into cold blankets
-Your head resting on a perfect spot on your pillow that makes knocks you out instantly
-My metabolism (dinner at Jack Astor's consisted of nachos, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and cheesecake)
-My mom's pork bone soup
-Galbi tang from Kunjip
-Anticipation of something's about to happen (aka like packing to go back to Toronto from NY. It's exhilarating)

Au Courant
-I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
-Plaid
-Japanese craft and baking magazines (they're on a level high above all american ones)
-Well designed hoodies
-Sneaker dress shoes (zara)
-William Sonoma
-Purple

Timeless
-Lord of the Rings (from Sam's speech to the soundtrack to the eye candy to.. yeah)
-Reading something from the Bible that really addressed an issue you were struggling with
-A good conversation with a close friend over something delectable
-An unexpected compliment
-An unexpected gift
-A good idea
-Eating with my parents
-Taking pictures

The Joy of Baking
One reason why I like to bake is because I find it therapeutic. I love interacting with ingredients and watching them go from dust and liquid to something substantial and scrumptious. So here are a lot of small things I enjoy about my craft
-The milk of the crust bubbling in the oven
-The plump, smooth flesh of a tomato
-The feathery weight of flour
-The sound of the knife slicing through fruit, a soft thud onto the wooden chopping board
-The chemical reaction of goodies in the oven seen visually as colours and textures change
-The sound of eggshells cracking and splitting open
-The sound of bacon and eggs on a frying pan (see Howls Moving Castle XD)
-Sour cream and cream cheese: the essentials in icings
-Piping out a generous dollop of frosting on a cupcake with a scalloped tip
-Enjoying a slice of whatever you made, as an afternoon snack on a lazy afternoon with a cup of tea.
-Arranging fruit on a tart in a decorative pattern
-The patterns that the blender leaves on whipped cream
-The darkness of cocoa slowly overtaking the white ingredients
-Splitting a vanilla bean pod with the tip of a knife and scraping out the seeds
-Mulling pears in red wine
-Wooden spoons


The Frivolous
-Floating chiffon Elvish gowns
-Large hoods
-Well dressed guys (yes it makes a huge difference)
-Shopping with openminded guys
-Nicely styled male hair (aka fob)
-Bowties preferably with a plaid, stripe or polka dot
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I love this guy. He's so friggin adorable and I want to steal his bowtie
-Tacky sweaters (aka the one I bought from P mall for $15..
-A-line dresses
-Sheer fabrics
-Stylish couples- people always look more threatening if in a group thus I love looking at fashionable couples. They look so friggin kicka$$

Cute smiles: a beautiful smile to me is one that starts at the corners of the lips that lift up the eyes into half crescents. I love Calvin Chen from Fahrenheit because of this:

The two guys from Taiwanese boyband, Fahrenheit who are also in this drama I've been watching. The guy on the right, that most girls are wild about, is meh to me. Now the guy on the left although most people think he looks like a girl... darn he has a beautiful smile and a cardigan to match!
-Lambskin leather
-Sweet Trash (vintage store)
-www.yesstyle.com
-Street style
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I discovered that secrets are just a delayed response to a desire of wanting to confront someone. That's all they really are.