Japan for ten days, I think this is my favourite photo of the cherry blossoms. The formula has become that pink flowers must be shot against a blue sky but I quite like the white on white highlighting the silhouette of raindrops. It's a sad sort of beauty.






Aren't these gorgeous? I am so thankful for my Sigma lens- it looks like I captured the apocalypse or armageddon (andrew, can my camera be prophetic? XD). I love the wide angle because the moon was actually behind me by my lens can eat that up too! XD

Anyhow, on to more important things.

I used to journal up to the day I accepted God into my life. After that, I stopped journaling -paraphrased from CS Lewis as quoted by my pastor
After hearing the last sermon, I've been wondering about shutting down a blog (or two). He said the pre-occupation with the self has lead us to believe that centrality is found within us rather us conforming to Him. There is no other more obvious manifestation of this self-love other than social media platforms such as Twitter or Facebook (the two examples he gave). While he never mentioned blogs, I felt a sense that perhaps I needed to inspect the ways in which I communicate through my blogs and whether or not they glorify the self or work for a greater purpose.
One Bible verse that popped up in my head after the sermon came from the book of 2 Timothy that I memorized as a child,
2 Timothy 2:3
"1But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money..."

Lovers of themselves.

To be honest, I don't know. If I were to close one down, the fashion one would go first and the reason being that although I deeply do want to see fashion being a powerful testimony, I still feel that guilt that comes along with fashion's preoccupation with the exterior. I guess this is what it means that many Christians know they are free but they don't live as free people. How does one, with the gift of fashion/design live to please God? I don't know. I just find that the fashion one elevates myself to an uncomfortable height to which I would rather keep the blog as more intimate. At the same time if my motives to elevate the self were that strong, I would have published that blog on facebook and here a long time ago. Thus I don't know. I really don't. I don't want to hinder hearing God's voice because I'm just listening to myself all day.

'Samantha' in Aramaic means 'listener'. I don't believe in coincidences therefore I believe God gave that name for me for a reason. From what I have been told, I am what my name calls me to be. I listen. But as I've grown older, I've realized that listening is not a passive activity. A good listener does not merely lend her ear to be receptive to hearing, she must participate and offer questions that act as a catalyst to getting a good answer and to keep the conversation flowing. I've somewhat misused that skill of mine and when I don't really want to hear someone, go on auto-response while thinking about other things. My former roommate knows above anyone else, that I often start doing the 'uh huhs' and the 'oh reallys' when she talks to me and she knows instantly my mind is not there also. People often assume that the can return the favor by 'listening'. Yet the folly in their thinking is that they think they can 'listen' to me by just staying quiet and giving me free reign to talk about what I want to talk which in fact is not called listening but being passive. A 'passive listener' is an oxymoron.

But it's hard. It's hard to be the listener when the speaker assumes his/her role as the mouthpiece day in and day out. I have issues and I have problems and yet many a time, I feel as if I am the designated ear. I think that's what got me to start blogging and the longevity of this blog lies in the fact that I do not believe that anyone is to be the ear to my mouth. The things I write here in part are my way of speaking to God and in part, my way of throwing all the things I care about into one litter box.

Wow I just looked it up: Samantha in Hebrew which is a derivative of 'Samuel', means 'Listener of God'. When I googled 'listener:god' the first thing that popped up was my name. Before this I thought many name just meant 'listener' until just now! Initially I wrote the meaning of my name down because I wanted to define my role for people... and as I was writing this entry, God suddenly spoke to me and shook me up that that name was ordained for me NOT because I have to listen to people (though very important) but because I am to listen to the voice of God Himself. I listened to four sermons today because I missed the prophetic conference since I was in Japan on prophesy and how to prophesize in the body of Christ (look up my church sermons or ask Andrew, the unofficial out of town PR of my church :P). The only way to prophesy for the edification, encouragement and comfort for people is what? By listening to God.

Beyond listening to God, who else listens better or desires to listen to us the most other than God Himself? As I was pondering about writing this entry the past couple days, I really felt a strong need for an accountability partner that is physically here with me. I love my sisters in Christ over the Pacific Ocean but I'm finding it hard to express what I'm going through right now without a physical body next to me with the full knowledge that I have her attention (not multitasking over msn). And it's a little sad that I'm using this blog as means of replacing a real person. It really is. I love this blog a lot and I know God has spoken to me through this channel but there are some things I want to only say in person where I feel safe (who are you?).

Mmm... but it comforts me now when God speaks. After listening to the prophetic conference and reading Bill Hybels, I have full knowledge that that day I saw that crippled man on the street was the Holy Spirit prompting me to give him the gift of healing. To be honest I was afraid and in my shame, still remember rejecting the prompting. I can't do anything about it now but in full repentance know that God is a spontaneous God. I just have to be ready for next time- right now I have this picture in my head of me the size of a third of a forefinger, hugging God's index finger (white but outlined in thin black) and clinging on for dear life and dangling above Hokusai waves in navy. And I see an opened red umbrella turned up right underneath me as God's hand hovers above.

One thing that stuck out to me in that sermon was, "God uses your voice to speak to you because it is within your faculty He uses you"
REALLY?!?!?! You mean all those times, what I thought was myself talking to myself, was actually God-ordained? There were several times in which I had points of clarity meditating on issues I had and suddenly having a Biblical revelation and finding comfort in my struggles.

You are the way, the truth and the light, we live by faith and not by sight for You. We're living all for you.
Lyrics of a song that just stuck to me the past two weeks especially since I am going through Hebrews:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.-Hebrews 11:1

I write this now, but I really do with all my heart, believe that God is in this entry. I can't explain how, but usually I write AFTER I've digested something fully so that when I write it sounds complete and this time I was mid-writing when God spoke and changed the entire tone of my entry. I just felt like God asked me as I was sharing about my name meaning 'listener' that He asked "but do you what your name REALLY means?" God often uses repetition to get us to realize what He wants us to learn and after four sermons on prophesy, one sermon on 'Hearing God's Voice' last Sunday AND finding out the origins of my name? Yeah I think I'll take that as a resounding sign from God to me.


Sorry if this sounds messy. I'm still chewing.

A Single Faith

Hi blog.
It's been a while.

Updating three blogs at once is rather a feat. On one hand it shows how self-absorbed I am, on the other I find it one of the only ways I can 'find myself' (wow what an artist cliche). But beyond all cynicism, I do see it as part discipline and part experimentation. It's partially a self monitorization process to see whether I like to do something be it riding on the affirmation of others or if I really like doing what I do despite the absence of praise and approval. The baking one is my way of escape from office drudgery, my fashion one I'm trying to pinpoint what it is about the industry that makes me feel alive.

We are called to live a life driven by faith, not success. A faithful life, not a successful life -my pastor, a very funny and deep man of God.

The other day a sister shared her dating woes (someone at church got engaged, a pastor made an official girlfriend) of not finding 'the one', another a heartbreak. I came out of it in a pseudo state of panic and despair. If they cannot make it, and in the dating 'race', they are supposedly a lot farther ahead of me, how am I supposed to? A song came to mind, 'Wonderful Maker' by Chris Tomlin. I never liked the song before but after hearing and meditating on the lyrics, I have a different opinion:

"What a wonderful Maker
What a wonderful Savior
How majestic Your whispers
And how humble Your love
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a Father

Listening to it a couple of times, the anxieties melted away. It reminds me of exactly who is sovereign over my life beyond what everyone else is doing/feeling/thinking. Adoration is made easier with worship music and helps me to realize the Lord I am addressing.
The simplicity of the cross is made complex in our lack of faith.

Another song that speaks to me: The Revelation Song sung by Kari Jobe. I seriously think this is a gorgeously composed song that offers a flicker of what John must have witnessed in the book of Revelations. I just can't believe it's such an old song and I only heard first heard it at my church here.

I don't know what God has in store for me but focusing on His sovereignty over all compared to shallow and doubtful self helps me to run this race (a race I might add, that has already been laid out). Do I enjoy being single? No.
During the times where I ask for God to make Himself present in my struggle to not be swayed by social norms and self worth fillers, I find Him in all the corners of my life. I've come to realize that in the absence of a significant other, I have come to appreciate the present gifts. Gifts of health, of family, of a gorgeous apartment, a wonderful church and at this present time, the gift of my mom's best friend. I just returned home from work and house church and she heated up a bowl of Chinese soup for me. And it's just a small reminder of His love and care for me. I know I say these things over and over again, but there's not one day I want to take for granted these legs that allow me to walk fast to my gifts in design to the awesome view of Hong Kong. If I am called to be at my present state then let me find contentment for contentment with godliness is great gain.

The other day I was thinking about the 'race' to find your other half and suddenly a verse came crashing down on me. Be still and know that I am God. (psalm 46:10). I have a hard time being still- a very hard time. It's a problem when I work in an office. I'm also in fashion thus being patient is even worse in this fast fashion business model that banks on the idea of instant gratification. But being still and knowing, truly know, that God is who He says He is I find one of the most challenging things to do. A faith driven life, not a success driven one.

During these times where I'm uncertain and feeling insecure, reading the book of Isaiah is such a comfort. I cried at the declaration of His magnificence in chapter 43 because I felt a strong sense of comfort in a strength not of my own. It reminds me that the world is bigger than that which I have shaped it to be- one that revolves around myself. As my friend was sharing, after listening to the sermon, she felt compelled not to be so focused on the self when talking to God. And if God is for us, who can be against us?

During my devos today, this verse struck me:
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:!2

How many of us believe that?

Hi God, I've had the privilege of knowing the greatest love of all all my life. Thanks.
What can I do for You?

Chuen

It's officially Friday which marks the next two weeks of bliss.

I'll be on probation for eight months in total. It's a little ludicrous if you ask me- I feel like Jacob after realizing Leah wasn't Rachel, having to work another seven years for her hand in marriage.

This time last year girls from my small group came around, we had take out drunk man noodles and pad thai from Spice and watched Passion of Christ before going for Good Friday service. It seems only a fragile memory now.
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It's funny how everything works on God's timing. As Hybels puts it, if you write down the things that you pray for and look back upon it, you start to see ways in which God answers those requests.

I asked for a better job situation and two month later, received it. I get to travel to Korea every two to four months which I love because it's not excessive but enough to give me a change of scenery and a breath of fresh air once in a while without disrupting my social/church life.

I wanted to see sakura in Japan before I die (one of those silly lists you make for fun), and I will be going this Monday. However I am sad I won't be able to spend it with my cousin in Brooklyn Botanicals. Those are memories to be cherished.
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One of my favourite spaces in my apartment is the floor in the kitchen. It's tight but I can sit down and stretch my legs out until my feet hit the oven door. When waiting for cookies to melt, cakes to rise and crusts to solidify, my friend and I would sit to watch the oven work its magic and talk with our backs leaned against the fridge.
Yesterday while I was making cookies, a friend suddenly asked if I ever dated and concluded that I wasn't in a relationship because I look very 'chuen' in addition to my height which apparently makes one intimidating package.

This isn't the first time someone has called me 'chuen'. 'Chuen' kind of means stuck up without the snobbery. A month ago I was talking with a guy from church who mused at the end of our conversation that he didn't think I was interested in talking to him when we first met because I just looked "indifferent". I said maybe because I was just trying to gauge my surroundings rather than jumping in to avoid appearing overly eager. That same night, my aunt suddenly said I looked very "chuen" when I don't smile. I blame it on four years in NYC.

I am aware that I may have that unapproachable look partially because I don't like making eye contact with people especially when I'm trying to barrel down the sidewalk to get to a destination.

I really wonder how God will work in this area of my life. It's funny how He brings certain people who seem so much like the 'one' (I don't believe in that but for lack of a better word just take it as a brief social connection as opposed to the many possibilities of Mr.X) but there's always a big glaring 'NO' somewhere down the line.
I've always wondered why God doesn't just place the contentedness and fullness of being single in our lives and awaken the desire to be married when the right person comes along instead of all the wishful thinking, the confusion and stupid ideas. I mean, if He wants our total devotion, it would be A LOT easier if I wasn't thinking about so-and-so.

I thought what I did 1.5 years ago would make me lose all hope in order to place that hope in God (as opposed to people) yet to this day, I can't say that that has worked the way I thought it would. Dreams began surfacing lately, startling me enough to force myself awake. Initially I thought it was perhaps a sign from God that there'd be a future but after reflecting on the nature of the dreams, realized it was probably the work of the devil. At the same time I can't help but hope that we will someday meet again. I only dare to recall our introductions and trust God that if it pleases Him, to place us together, otherwise, to cease false hopes.

Anyway, tomorrow I will wake up 'late', watch 'Coco Avant Chanel on dvd, have lunch at home and laze until Good Friday service. It's 3am... I haven't been up at this hour for a very long time. Man I miss college.