Japan for ten days, I think this is my favourite photo of the cherry blossoms. The formula has become that pink flowers must be shot against a blue sky but I quite like the white on white highlighting the silhouette of raindrops. It's a sad sort of beauty.






Aren't these gorgeous? I am so thankful for my Sigma lens- it looks like I captured the apocalypse or armageddon (andrew, can my camera be prophetic? XD). I love the wide angle because the moon was actually behind me by my lens can eat that up too! XD

Anyhow, on to more important things.

I used to journal up to the day I accepted God into my life. After that, I stopped journaling -paraphrased from CS Lewis as quoted by my pastor
After hearing the last sermon, I've been wondering about shutting down a blog (or two). He said the pre-occupation with the self has lead us to believe that centrality is found within us rather us conforming to Him. There is no other more obvious manifestation of this self-love other than social media platforms such as Twitter or Facebook (the two examples he gave). While he never mentioned blogs, I felt a sense that perhaps I needed to inspect the ways in which I communicate through my blogs and whether or not they glorify the self or work for a greater purpose.
One Bible verse that popped up in my head after the sermon came from the book of 2 Timothy that I memorized as a child,
2 Timothy 2:3
"1But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money..."

Lovers of themselves.

To be honest, I don't know. If I were to close one down, the fashion one would go first and the reason being that although I deeply do want to see fashion being a powerful testimony, I still feel that guilt that comes along with fashion's preoccupation with the exterior. I guess this is what it means that many Christians know they are free but they don't live as free people. How does one, with the gift of fashion/design live to please God? I don't know. I just find that the fashion one elevates myself to an uncomfortable height to which I would rather keep the blog as more intimate. At the same time if my motives to elevate the self were that strong, I would have published that blog on facebook and here a long time ago. Thus I don't know. I really don't. I don't want to hinder hearing God's voice because I'm just listening to myself all day.

'Samantha' in Aramaic means 'listener'. I don't believe in coincidences therefore I believe God gave that name for me for a reason. From what I have been told, I am what my name calls me to be. I listen. But as I've grown older, I've realized that listening is not a passive activity. A good listener does not merely lend her ear to be receptive to hearing, she must participate and offer questions that act as a catalyst to getting a good answer and to keep the conversation flowing. I've somewhat misused that skill of mine and when I don't really want to hear someone, go on auto-response while thinking about other things. My former roommate knows above anyone else, that I often start doing the 'uh huhs' and the 'oh reallys' when she talks to me and she knows instantly my mind is not there also. People often assume that the can return the favor by 'listening'. Yet the folly in their thinking is that they think they can 'listen' to me by just staying quiet and giving me free reign to talk about what I want to talk which in fact is not called listening but being passive. A 'passive listener' is an oxymoron.

But it's hard. It's hard to be the listener when the speaker assumes his/her role as the mouthpiece day in and day out. I have issues and I have problems and yet many a time, I feel as if I am the designated ear. I think that's what got me to start blogging and the longevity of this blog lies in the fact that I do not believe that anyone is to be the ear to my mouth. The things I write here in part are my way of speaking to God and in part, my way of throwing all the things I care about into one litter box.

Wow I just looked it up: Samantha in Hebrew which is a derivative of 'Samuel', means 'Listener of God'. When I googled 'listener:god' the first thing that popped up was my name. Before this I thought many name just meant 'listener' until just now! Initially I wrote the meaning of my name down because I wanted to define my role for people... and as I was writing this entry, God suddenly spoke to me and shook me up that that name was ordained for me NOT because I have to listen to people (though very important) but because I am to listen to the voice of God Himself. I listened to four sermons today because I missed the prophetic conference since I was in Japan on prophesy and how to prophesize in the body of Christ (look up my church sermons or ask Andrew, the unofficial out of town PR of my church :P). The only way to prophesy for the edification, encouragement and comfort for people is what? By listening to God.

Beyond listening to God, who else listens better or desires to listen to us the most other than God Himself? As I was pondering about writing this entry the past couple days, I really felt a strong need for an accountability partner that is physically here with me. I love my sisters in Christ over the Pacific Ocean but I'm finding it hard to express what I'm going through right now without a physical body next to me with the full knowledge that I have her attention (not multitasking over msn). And it's a little sad that I'm using this blog as means of replacing a real person. It really is. I love this blog a lot and I know God has spoken to me through this channel but there are some things I want to only say in person where I feel safe (who are you?).

Mmm... but it comforts me now when God speaks. After listening to the prophetic conference and reading Bill Hybels, I have full knowledge that that day I saw that crippled man on the street was the Holy Spirit prompting me to give him the gift of healing. To be honest I was afraid and in my shame, still remember rejecting the prompting. I can't do anything about it now but in full repentance know that God is a spontaneous God. I just have to be ready for next time- right now I have this picture in my head of me the size of a third of a forefinger, hugging God's index finger (white but outlined in thin black) and clinging on for dear life and dangling above Hokusai waves in navy. And I see an opened red umbrella turned up right underneath me as God's hand hovers above.

One thing that stuck out to me in that sermon was, "God uses your voice to speak to you because it is within your faculty He uses you"
REALLY?!?!?! You mean all those times, what I thought was myself talking to myself, was actually God-ordained? There were several times in which I had points of clarity meditating on issues I had and suddenly having a Biblical revelation and finding comfort in my struggles.

You are the way, the truth and the light, we live by faith and not by sight for You. We're living all for you.
Lyrics of a song that just stuck to me the past two weeks especially since I am going through Hebrews:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.-Hebrews 11:1

I write this now, but I really do with all my heart, believe that God is in this entry. I can't explain how, but usually I write AFTER I've digested something fully so that when I write it sounds complete and this time I was mid-writing when God spoke and changed the entire tone of my entry. I just felt like God asked me as I was sharing about my name meaning 'listener' that He asked "but do you what your name REALLY means?" God often uses repetition to get us to realize what He wants us to learn and after four sermons on prophesy, one sermon on 'Hearing God's Voice' last Sunday AND finding out the origins of my name? Yeah I think I'll take that as a resounding sign from God to me.


Sorry if this sounds messy. I'm still chewing.