-Picture above from my schizophrenic fashion blog. I love this T-shirt. The only thing on it is a big black circle. The simplicity of the graphic boggles me- not the genius in it but the designer's certainty in the sufficiency of his work. I can't imagine handing my boss a graphic T-shirt proposal in with a big black dot as the focal point. I'd think my boss would assume me to be lazy and/or unoriginal. Yet with the overwhelming number of tees and logo-ed graphics, I love this shirt has only one clear loud voice in the form of a dot.

-Alexander McQueen passed away last night. I assume the people I address in this portion of my life are not in fashion, but he was an influential designer known for the shock value of his runway shows. He recently collaborated with Lady Gaga to produce her MV for Bad Romance (yes the weird insect shoes were dreamt up by him) and also had the privilege to debut her hit single. It was said he committed suicide not long after his mom passed away a week ago and his dear friend and mentor, Isabella Blow committed suicide three years ago. At work I was wikipedia-ing his mentor, Isabella Blow, a famous fashion figure within the industry who also committed suicide three years ago. Apparently she tried many times from jumping off buildings (breaking her ankles) to taking sleeping pills. I can't help but think the passivity of Christians. There is an obvious number of hurting people but where is the church?

-I tried another Small Group this past Tuesday. my coworker's. We're going through a book called 'Too Busy Not to Pray' by Bill Hybel a pastor at Willow Creek Church in Chicago. Usually when the topic of prayer becomes the center focus of studying and conversation, I find it cumbersome and not fun. I know prayer is in direct communication with God yet lately due to my lack of accountability, I've gotten fed up with talking to God. Although I know He hears me and He answers in His own ways, there were some days I just said I had nothing to say and would go on with my day.
The SG was three weeks into the book so I read the three chapters in half an hour before they started. The things I got out of it:
-God is willing
-God is able
If you are a Christian who believes these two truths with your whole heart, you have a faith that can move mountains. I struggle predominantly with thinking that God needs to be coaxed into listening to my requests and if I bang on His door hard and long enough, He'll exasperatedly answer me. I mean, that's how humans are aren't they? Somehow I equated God with our humanistic faults. If God is our Father and we are heirs to His kingdom, as His children, His love for us should overflow with the desire to give us the best.
Secondly, God is able was and is one thing I am having trouble overcoming. If you could pray to God with 100% certainty He would grant it, what would you pray for?
As I pondered this question, what I realized was not the topic of my prayer request, but the fact that that I was even dabbling in the idea of a 100% fulfillment proved that I actually do not believe that God will answer my prayers.
We broke down into small groups to discuss the book and look over the questions. I ended up with three people including one of the small group leaders. I started sharing about my inability to trust in God's omnipotence and shared with them the incident with the crippled man. I still feel, to this day, I was supposed to go back to him. I've never felt so strongly about approaching someone in poverty but that day onward I felt an immense burden to return to that same spot- except I didn't and made lame excuses every Sunday. I shared with them the spirit of doubt within me and started to cry with the shame and remorse of being a pre-Acts Peter. I hate shedding tears for a part of me hates the way people associate artists and women with tears as a sign of weakness. But I couldn't help but weep over the realization that my faith can't move mountains and that my relationship in God was being put to the test and to my discovery, was in fact quite shallow. What do I know about God and being king over all? What part of the song that says 'You are mighty God, Lord of everything,' do I really believe in? For if faith the size of a mustard seed can command mountains to throw themselves into the sea, how minute mine must be!
I've been lacking in Christian accountability and support. They must think me crazy but I knew after that one meeting, that this was the Small Group I am supposed to settle into.

Help me overcome my unbelief.