Retreat
So this is what retreat is supposed to be like.
I hate retreats.
Ever since Grade 10, they've reminded me of what it feels to be lonely.
I knew I'd be coerced into going by my House Church leader so I signed up, dreading the weekend to come.
But this church's retreat is different. We prayed, we prophesized, we spoke in tongue, we heard sermons and teachings.
More than that I received inner healing for things I've been struggling with since my days back in Canada. The second day I couldn't stand to sing. I couldn't worship. I felt like inside was a piece of wood- hollow, hard and stiff. I literally felt like something had a tight clench on my heart- the communication line between God and I.
A HC member made me stand up as I sat down and she made me take my hands out of my pockets.
I started crying. I've been so scarred by past experiences of retreats- particularly one I attended a year ago which became the starting point of my slip from this church into bitterness and anger in 2010. I remember Grade 10 retreat- I felt so alone the first day that I called my parents to drive me home but my mom refused to. I remember Grade 11 where on the last day I started bawling because I felt so alone to a group of girls who didn't even know me. It's what triggered my old entries on being the spectator but never the participant.
And suddenly a memory of what a pastor said to me last year that hurt me deeply as a Christian female triggered me into another bout of sobs so the pastor's intercessory prayer woman of 85 years old took me outside along with my House church leaders to talk to me.
That night I received inner healing from my high distrust of men, my conflicted views on fashion which is the tool I will use to fulfill my calling, the self-rejection of my inability to accept physical beauty as a gift, the hurtful comments that people tossed lightly on me not realizing that they gave birth to spirits of fear later in life.
And the funny thing is is that none of it was thanks to the sermons. In fact every time I finished an inner healing session with my House Church, those sessions were confirmed by the topic of the sermons that I needed not to go to any altar calls.
On the last night everyone was prayed for individually by the pastoral staff and he prophesized the following:
1. "The ability to just receive"
-I have a hard time receiving without feeling the need to pay the person back.
2. "This is the year of the Lord's favor over your life."
-I already wrote and told my House Church earlier that in January God spoke three times in a week's span that this was the year of the Lord's favor over my life and that judgment has passed of 2010. I started crying at this point because the words were just so right on as I am waiting for this to come into fruition.
3. "The unleashing of beauty from within"
-I had a spirit of self-rejection of the gift of physical beauty after years of being bullied and told I was not very attractive. I think this is an area of my life I am still trying to overcome but since my pastor said this without any foreknowledge of my issues particularly because I had inner healing on this issue the night before, I am expecting breakthrough in this area.
I'm starting to experience what true fellowship is beyond just hanging out. As each member of our House Church was getting prayed for, we would pray in tongues behind the person. With the friend I was rooming with, I cried through the Spirit as she fell back on the ground and started weeping.
Truthfully I'm exhausted. 5 hours of sleep a night starting Thursday till Sunday (work tomorrow) but I feel free. I feel free from the bonds and chains that the devil has held me back and I thank God for surrounding me with people to help me find freedom.
Shekinah glory.
Ps. if you're reading this, I've forgiven you.
I hate retreats.
Ever since Grade 10, they've reminded me of what it feels to be lonely.
I knew I'd be coerced into going by my House Church leader so I signed up, dreading the weekend to come.
But this church's retreat is different. We prayed, we prophesized, we spoke in tongue, we heard sermons and teachings.
More than that I received inner healing for things I've been struggling with since my days back in Canada. The second day I couldn't stand to sing. I couldn't worship. I felt like inside was a piece of wood- hollow, hard and stiff. I literally felt like something had a tight clench on my heart- the communication line between God and I.
A HC member made me stand up as I sat down and she made me take my hands out of my pockets.
I started crying. I've been so scarred by past experiences of retreats- particularly one I attended a year ago which became the starting point of my slip from this church into bitterness and anger in 2010. I remember Grade 10 retreat- I felt so alone the first day that I called my parents to drive me home but my mom refused to. I remember Grade 11 where on the last day I started bawling because I felt so alone to a group of girls who didn't even know me. It's what triggered my old entries on being the spectator but never the participant.
And suddenly a memory of what a pastor said to me last year that hurt me deeply as a Christian female triggered me into another bout of sobs so the pastor's intercessory prayer woman of 85 years old took me outside along with my House church leaders to talk to me.
That night I received inner healing from my high distrust of men, my conflicted views on fashion which is the tool I will use to fulfill my calling, the self-rejection of my inability to accept physical beauty as a gift, the hurtful comments that people tossed lightly on me not realizing that they gave birth to spirits of fear later in life.
And the funny thing is is that none of it was thanks to the sermons. In fact every time I finished an inner healing session with my House Church, those sessions were confirmed by the topic of the sermons that I needed not to go to any altar calls.
On the last night everyone was prayed for individually by the pastoral staff and he prophesized the following:
1. "The ability to just receive"
-I have a hard time receiving without feeling the need to pay the person back.
2. "This is the year of the Lord's favor over your life."
-I already wrote and told my House Church earlier that in January God spoke three times in a week's span that this was the year of the Lord's favor over my life and that judgment has passed of 2010. I started crying at this point because the words were just so right on as I am waiting for this to come into fruition.
3. "The unleashing of beauty from within"
-I had a spirit of self-rejection of the gift of physical beauty after years of being bullied and told I was not very attractive. I think this is an area of my life I am still trying to overcome but since my pastor said this without any foreknowledge of my issues particularly because I had inner healing on this issue the night before, I am expecting breakthrough in this area.
I'm starting to experience what true fellowship is beyond just hanging out. As each member of our House Church was getting prayed for, we would pray in tongues behind the person. With the friend I was rooming with, I cried through the Spirit as she fell back on the ground and started weeping.
Truthfully I'm exhausted. 5 hours of sleep a night starting Thursday till Sunday (work tomorrow) but I feel free. I feel free from the bonds and chains that the devil has held me back and I thank God for surrounding me with people to help me find freedom.
Shekinah glory.
Ps. if you're reading this, I've forgiven you.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home