Struggles on Worshiping with the Heart and Mind

I went to japan! jk! lol. But NY does a really good job with the diversity of stores... inside Book-Off (japanese bookstore)- in the manga section. I took this pic for my thesis... and I'm really sad.. because the hoodie that she's wearing got misplaced and was stolen. Frick. Now I have to make a new one. Even worse, I never took a photograph of it when it was done! T-T If I see some fashion kid on the street wearing it, I'll be super pissed.


Another rainjacket I made last year modeled by same friend and photographed by yours truly..


kekeke. I love street style and stalking fashionable people


I am in a jolly mood considering thesis is looming over my head (not going to think about my hoodie). Can you believe it, we only have two weeks before our show! aenrwakjw!

I think part of my happy mood comes from listening to this song by
Wang Lee Hom- Fang Kai Ni De Xin

It's so jokes- sounds like that song by Ciara.
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Funny incident at Kunjip (korean restaurant) today. I was with my Chinese friend who lives in the same apartment complex as me in hk- I know small world.. wanna know somthing weird: her sister went to boarding school with my cousin in Vancouver who also lives in that apartment complex and her friend dated my cousin. lol. WEIRD.
Anyway we were eating Korean food (galbiiiii tangggg) and this waiter comes up to us:

Waiter: Annyeong (and then proceeds to say some more stuff in Korean as we stare blankly at him)
Us: Oh we don't speak Korean.
Waiter: oh really?? *turns to leave*

Five minutes later:
Waiter: you know, you don't have to be ashamed if you can't speak korean!
Us: We're not Korean.
Waiter: What? really???
Us: Yeah we're chinese!
Waiter: wait.. you mean *points to my friend* you're not korean?? And.. *points to me* you're ko- wait you're not korean either???!

Not when I last checked anyway.
I've lived two decades without speaking korean and I think I've come to terms with the fact that the only korean I will ever know is 'refreshing', 'let's eat', 'pervert', 'take your clothes off' and 'thank you.' LOL
Lately I've been approached by many fobs who assume that I'm Korean- funnily enough that has never occured to me in the past. Man, everyone's koreanness is rubbing off on me. lol.
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Anyway, guess what???

After much prayer about my future...
MY PARENTS ARE LETTING ME TRAVEL!!!!!
Japan, Korean and HK here I comeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
Praise God. There's some colour in my future as shortsighted as it is.

Anyone want to come for part of my trip? lol. I will be traveling alone.. sad. Unfortunately (in some ways) I did not grow up in a typical college thus I don't have a group of close graduating friends to go on some trip with.
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I've come to realize something in my walk with God.
That despite what I was told back at RHCBC- that our church often leads with the heart- with emotion- rather than logic, intellect that is found in theology, I've realized that was not true at all.

I thought, at the time due to I guess some peer pressure I felt from the other Christians around me, that my faith in God was always emotion driven rather whether or not I was a Calvinist or Arminian. And in this, I thought I was wrong. I thought that if I didn't know pre-destination inside out, I pseudo failed as a Christian particularly as one who had friends who were so gung ho about reading theology books (nothing wrong with that but yeah.. I have my reasons for being a little wary now though I will read some of the classic ones that have stood the test of time. I'd rather just read the bible).
But I remember coming across 1 Cor 3:1-9 which totally refutes Calvinism vs Arminianism: Paul addresses a church who is divided between followers of Apollos and Paul and rebukes them for thinking as followers of Man rather than of God.

I thought then, that I was living as a Christian with the heart and it was wrong. So I thought, whenever I participated in inductive Bible Studies or talked philosophically deep conversations concerning God I was somehow becoming more righteous. I displayed little emotion at church: hands down, singing with the lips.

But God tugged at my heartstrings these past few months.
Every time I go to church I've been so touched by the sermons, the Scripture or the worship songs to the point of tears.
I've been chiding myself: geez, Sam, you're so friggin emotional like a friggin girl. Your faith in God should be derived from fact and God's truth- not all the mushy, feel-good emotions you get from worship. That is so like the high schooler kids at TC- they sing at worship cuz it's kinda cool. They sing because they want that emotional spiritual high.

Spiritual high. So every time we sang a worship song, afterwards, I thought it was for that shock of emotion that came purely out of singing. It was completely irrational due to my artistic nature and the feminine mind.

It is not to say that those people were wrong. I just think they misunderstood Christians who were more drawn to God's more poetic, soft nature.

Last Sunday I was serving on Welcoming Ministry as an usher and as the worship team began to lead the congregation in some song (can't remember the song title!), I started to sing along. Some point at the end my eyes started welling and I thought I was going crazy. For this was the first time that I got emotional over a song while ushering (usually my attention is first on the congregation)
Was it PMS? Was it because I was tired? Or maybe I'm just being an overemotional female.

Many a time, I tried to suppress any emotion- I often thought when I saw people crying during prayer or church events, they were spiritually broken people who wandered away from God and were seeking His hand once again. Or when people would start sobbing in prayer, I would brush them off as a little... too tired and stressed and therefore, overemotional.

Yet as we did Communion last week, I couldn't help but cry as we had a time of meditation.

It was then I realized that it was not wrong to get emotional. I recalled the times that I'd emotionally break: every time it occured was because I was so touched by God's grace, mercy and compassion from someone who always shunned Him for lesser things.

Every single time I cried- be it praying for the person next to me or during Communion or during a worship song- was because I was so overwhelmed with God's love for me. And what is there that is not worth shedding a few tears over? For if we truly understood the extent and magnitude of His love for us, even the coldest Christian theologian would crumble at the very thought of Jesus dying on the cross on our behalf. Because it is just that touching beyond all fact, theology and understanding.
We cry when words do not suffice: and for me, remembering how God has really worked in me this past semester has made me truly in awe of who He is. Perhaps this isn't seen from the outside, but I can see my mindset internally changing. For the things I used to dwell on in the past seem very small, and the things I now consider worth living for, greater than I. I realized, I cry now because I fully understand God at work in my life and in the entire human race. That this hard heart that tried to lead coolly by logic had never understood the power of God's love up until now.

If we've never physically cried out for God, then we have never fully realized how much we each need Him. For the grace of God is so deep, if you truly understood the lengths at which God took to rescue you, you would cry for you would realize how far you have fallen and how great of a price He bought you back for. And we know we do not deserve this, yet He did it anyway.


A classmate gave her testimony a few weeks ago during her Confirmation. And I was so touched by what she said.
Often as a Christian growing up in a Christian family, I often thought, like my friend, that my testimony would be so much better if I wasn't saved 'at birth'. Rather, it would be so epic if I did drugs, was a rebel kid, was in at my neck in sin, when God would swoop in and rescue me from the demons in hell. People would be in awe of how I changed- to know Christ- and to forsake all those 'bad things'. And everyone would see how strong my faith was because I was once a sinner and now an angel.
Yet as my friend said, she realized that she wanted this testimony because it glorified herself and not God.
Frick, how true.

During worship last week God spoke to me through that untitled worship song; that He wanted me to grow up in a Christian family so that I wouldn't have to know what life would be like without Him. And to come to the realization that I've known God for 21 years now despite all my failures, fears and faults makes me cry even now as I write this. I have known the Creator, the God of all Wonders my entire life.Because He has spared me from a lot of troubles: from worrying about parents who do not share the same faith to having to the reassurance that I will one day see my family in heaven. That is not my load to carry nor the path He wants me to take.
God has made Himself so evident in my life that it is impossible to exclude Him when I talk about myself. Because nothing I do is ever of my own power. If my life was written as a book, the entire novel would be one big footnote to *God. And this is particular for my work- if you ask me to talk to a nonchristian friend about why I am doing what I am doing, I pretty much try to stutter an answer about how I want to save trees or something (but really, I'm not a treehugger- I don't like planting trees nor lying down on roads in protest).

For my thesis book, I designed a mini inspiration book depicting a series of photographs that I took that have made me go 'wow'. The sections are categorized by titles that begin with the letter 'F'. At the end of the book, out of 'coincidence'
the only word that started with 'F' I could think of was 'Faith'.
So I decided to write my testimony as a Christian designer there.

I am not sure what my profs are going to think: from my book prof to my thesis section prof to the head of my department. My testimony as a designer was just copied and pasted from a previous entry from this blog (see blogging is so useful: I always end up copying and pasting stuff I wrote passionately about and when I recall dimly of it in the future, I just take it and stick it into my essays and such lol).
On one hand I'm a little freaked about what they'll say (or discriminate me as) but the Holy Spirit did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of truth, love and of self-discipline (memorized that in 2 Timothy.. think it was the first chapter).
See I am not one to preach but I will talk about how God has been relevant in my own life because that is all I know as true.

You see, the core of my thesis is rooted in logic. No one can dispute how I came about my project, unlike many other theses for my problem is real (environmental issues) and my thesis concept, relevant. The only thing that is not 'logical' is the faith part but when is faith ever logical (hence the word)?

But that's just it, the reason for my tears- not out of pain or sadness or out of my pleas for God to turn His face once again to me, but out of joy and gratitude. I now know what it is like to have my mourning turn into dancing (and that is all figurative because I don't dance but mb that's the next step.. pun intended.. HAAHA but don't bank on it ;P).

I was doing my devos the other day when I flipped to this in Psalms:

Psalms 51:10-17
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are [a] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.


The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. Dang it's so good! I just had to put down my Bible and sing that song: Create In Me a Pure Heart (I think.. or you know it goes along with those verses...).


On the side note, my struggles with coming to terms with unreliable human friendships has come to this:

Ephesians 6:5-8
Slaves, obey your earthly masters with repsect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when thir eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you wer serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each on of you for whatever good you do, whether you are slave or free.

This is yet again reiterated in Colossians 3:22-24. So good.

What I have come to love about the Bible is this, that if we do indeed each have a calling from Christ, we should not spare a moment being unproductive and idle. The Bible, especially in the New Testament, calls for active members of Christ who live for a purpose, who do not grumble in whatever state they are in, rather in thanksgiving, continue to work hard to press on forward in hopes of gaining the laurels that rest not in human hands but in eternity.


Man it's 4am. My apologies if my grammar or syntax is off. -_-
But praise God for these words anyway.

Remember// Good Heart

Not sure if it's the lighting or the clothes that I like.. but I just really like this picture: I have a passion for reflected light. lol


I want her jacket. Why don't they sell thin women's blazers that extend beyond the hip?


Art student probably thus he is exempted for his garb XD

A conversation
1:05amPhilina
hey niyi responded already
he would love to help you

1:05amSam
what already?
omg thank him for meee

Er still have yet to call him but the fellowship is now complete with nine members lolol (I am talking Lord of the Rings concerning thesis).
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God has been speaking to me.
I see that now in hindsight as I look back to my prayers in the past and what they are now.

My Achilles heel has always been for people.
In my struggles to find self worth in Christ and not externally in other relationships, months ago I prayed for God to show me His love so intensely that human relationships would pale in comparison.

And on Thursday I realized to its full intensity how He listened to me:
During Small Groups, we were broken down into threes where we prayed and meditated on Scripture. The two that I was placed with shared about brokenness and being broken and throughout our time together, I was constantly thinking about Deuteronomy 8:1-5. Afterwards I shared with them this passage and what happened that night God spoke to me through it: to remember that man does not live on bread alone but on God's word for He disciplines his son- those He loves. And through trials and suffering, He will show us things that others haven't witnessed (in the Israelite's case it was manna).
Ugh, I hate to say it, but as I was sharing I began to cry (again) out of sheer gratitude. And in me, I realized that I am and was experiencing the intensity of God's love through the comfort of His word.

That night as I was doing thesis, I was looking through all my images from high school until now. And though during all those years I yearned to find home in the hearts of people, God's unsurpassing patience finally steered me to Him: I think something inside of me woke up this year. I'm not sure what, but I think I came to the realization that I couldn't find happiness and fulfillment in church friends alone.

In these times of uncertainty, I've discovered the secret in delighting in God for who He is.
And that is to remember.
To remember His providence and grace in the past.
To remember the ways He has blessed you be it monetarily, friendships, family, health...
Or gifts, talents, skills, opportunities, encounters...
Or having seen/witnessed something physically beautiful (for me it's photographs I've taken since high school of nature and relatives).

I decided to biblegateway the word 'remember' and got this:

Isaiah 46:
8 "Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.

9 Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.

Remember how God has provided in the past and take comfort in the fact that He has deliver you during those times. Therefore do not worry about the future, trust God to take you where He wishes to be and what to do for it is not a question of whether or not He can deliver, but whether or not you can cling to Him in faith.
Our church is going through James and this I found greatly encouraging after having quite a difficult year (this is all in hindsight mind you):

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything

Many a time we are so attracted to the protagonists in movies such as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Gladiator.. for their stories of perseverance through the darkest of evils makes their characters extremely attractive. Yet when faced with the storms in our own lives, we often only see what is in the present and not a vision of the future. Most of the time we tend to act like the character who gives up half way, who loses heart during the fight, and whose will crumbles under pressure.
Let us remember those who hold onto the hope that no human hand can crush, and steadfastly press on forward.

And I think that's the main point about James: perseverance in times of trouble. For if you skip ahead to the last chapter he again stresses the importance of unity and steadfastness in suffering:

James 5:7-8
Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near.
And one of my favourite verses (also a song) James 1:17:

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
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Ok I wrote that about a week ago(some bits) but I didn't have the heart to post it. Iono what's going on with me. Last week I was so in love with God but this past Wednesday, for the first time, I felt incredibly scared for my future.

During my Science of Shopping class, two seniors spoke about how no one can get jobs at the moment and that even the overqualified are 'lowering' themselves down to book keeping positions and saying they'd work virtually for nothing.

And I realized the faith that I have in God is so weak: it only required two girls to comment about how bad the economy is here, and I was stressed and hyperventilating.
Yet at the same time I was feeling incredibly impatient for I saw how relevant my thesis project could be. We discussed about ideas of how the mindset within the consumers of today are quickly shifting from sleep consumption to one that is mindful through social networking. The more my prof talked, the more excited I got for my project because I could so see my thesis becoming so much greater than it is in my hands.
With five loaves of bread and three fish I can only feed a family of four, but in God's hands it could have a great impact on cities worldwide.

I have no idea what is going on: I don't know where I am going to live, who I am going to live with, where I am going to get a job, what I am going to do after I graduate, if I can travel. It's all up in the air. In the past I planned half a year ahead (generally) so I knew what I was going to do in the summer and then study for the following semester.
This time? Nothing.

But I remember God for who He is.
I finished 1 Kings and am bolting through 2 Kings now.
What I learned?
Nothing is impossible in God's eyes. Even for King Ahab, a man who did evil in the eyes of God, was given grace when the Lord helped their army of 7000 defeat one that was three times as many as theirs because He said, "today I will show you that I am the Lord your God. Nothing is too difficult in my eyes."

And God is a God that does not change.
Another thing: God remembers. God remembers the righteous.
Despite the corruptness that reigned with the kings after David, every time God promises to strike the descendants of David down for turning away from Him, He grants them mercy because He remembers his servant, David, who kept the ways of the Lord.
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A few friends last week said how good my heart was- that I was always trying to give and serve to people.
Yet I don't see that.
I see someone who is selfish and judgemental- always too self conscious and harbours bitterness.
A compliment but I was humbled and embarrassed because I know that what they say is what they see on the exterior yet I feel as if God sees something different- someone who is wayward, someone who only seeks for her own happiness and who judges people with her eyes.

Today was the Good Friday service (I am writing this a few days after).
When partaking with the bread and the wine, it came to my realization through that time of prayer and meditation the beauty of God's desire for us to know His heart. God, the King of the Heavens, the Majesty cloaked in all wisdom and all power wants me, a mere shadow, to get to know Him. Someone like me, who has been on the search to find home in others, to understand His heart.
Why? I can never fathom so.
All this that I write, this entire post sounds so foolish- so simple. Yet it has taken me two decades to learn something as simple as this.
It has taken me two decades to learn how to fall in love with God.
Yet I feel like this all just happened within the past half year. The Christian I was a year ago is EXTREMELY different from the Christian that I am now.

My prayer life has been so good.
It's not really long- I'm not as 'heroic' as many Christians at our church that can prayer for hours on end. But during my morning prayers words of gratitude just flow from my heart and in asking God to continue molding me into a righteous and holy person (for the prayer of the righteous and holy is powerful and effective: James 5:16)

I've come to notice some changes in the way I think and do things now (but this is always a work in progress)
Firstly, I've lost interest in asian dramas.
I know this sounds friggin lame but while I used to watch them a lot more (last yr), it's basically non existent now save one drama every few months (anime pops in once in a while but they're so long I don't ever finish them). I realized they stir up unnecessary feelings similar to chick flicks that I really do not need stirring up. And most of them are so unbelievable (ie. poor girl suddenly realizes she's friggin rich and has to adjust to the life of the rich girl surrounded by really good looking guys who all seem to be really attracted to this country bumpkin and she fights for good and turns every evil person into someone nice).

Secondly- I've really been watching myself from gossiping.
It's easy to start talking about someone and then getting carried away particularly as a girl. I slip but now I am a lot more aware of whether or not it is just foolish banter to reaffirm my own self righteousness or genuine concern for the other person. I try to limit myself to saying only things that will benefit the listener or help encourage or correct but not slander (thanks SG... but its so difficultttt)

Thirdly- pick and choose which areas I want to serve in so that I am most effective in helping the directed recipients and can be happy doing so. I think this year I've felt the desire to help people in my class.. sounds really egoistical but I mean this in the most honest desire to want to bless other people because God has so graciously blessed me throughout these years in school especially 'forcing' me to do an independent study which initially was the source of my aggravation that turned into a source of peace. Because I did a ton of research that semester, my entire year was dedicated to a project in my senior year. So yeah, God has given me this opportunity to joyfully work on my thesis project and when I do have time, I use that time to try and help people in my class (if they are willing that is). Because I don't believe that showing and exhibiting at Thesis is the greatest thing- I think helping other people max out the potential in their projects is extremely uplifting for I want my thesis project which I am so passionate about to be surrounded by the highest creativity and passions of my peers.

-Fourthly: Learning to enjoy time alone. It's hard and definitely a struggle daily to come to terms that ultimately humans are alone (I am not speaking about God) no matter what or who we surround ourselves with. It's a love-hate thing I have for my roommate is usually not home, I am learning to love spending time alone. I think I'm enjoying it a lot more this year particularly because I do have thesis to do I don't mind hobbiting away. While in the past I would jump at any invitation to get out of the house to forget how alone I felt, I am learning to become comfortable surrounded by me, myself and I. It definitely has become better because that hope I used to have in Man has shifted to something even greater towards our Father in Heaven.
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Anyway, my heart is still troubled. My hoodie that I made over Christmas break has disappeared when a friend accidentally left it somewhere in the fashion building. Though I am not angry at my friend, I am really troubled over the fact that it has now disappeared particularly because I do not want someone else wearing it and pretending they made or bought it. Does this sound wrong?
Also I need it for my thesis project. This 'branch' from my thesis project now may have to be cut off because of the disappearance. I'm praying hard that it shows up in the hands of a kind custodian or in the lost and found (or perhaps run into a person wearing it and chase after her demanding she gives it back...). Iono. I was so distracted during service today because it was gone... while the pastor was preaching about passover, I was continuously thinking about the whereabouts of my hoodie.
I don't want to burden my friend with this. I know she feels horrible for having accidentally forgotten it and I don't want her to feel guilty but at the same time trying to hard to suppress these feelings of loss won't help me either. I just sat glumly through dinner after Good Friday service while trying to look happy so that people wouldn't be concerned (I think that's my problem too: I act as the giver all the time that I can't stand it when people try to give me sympathy or help because I don't think I deserve it particularly because I know how much effort and time goes in to helping people in the first place.. and I don't want to burden others- I often find myself not minding having to shoulder other people's burdens but not vice versa).
This sounds a little silly, but please pray that it resurfaces next week. I really want it back because it's something I can't just buy- I'll have to make it all over again when and if I ever return to Toronto.

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Anyway, my friend found this course offered at our school next year which made me simultaneously laugh and sigh incredulously:



Celebrity Seoul- Designing Culture in Korea: Jeesoon Hong
Most tourists visiting Korea are struck by the widely shared public zeal for fashion and design. In this context,
celebrity culture provides an interesting prism in which to explore contemporary Korean culture, economics and
politics. In this course, we will critically explore the various urban visual cultures of Korea including TV dramas, cinema, architecture, make-up, fashion and urban design. Examining the ever-growing star industry, we will also
discuss distinctions between different kinds of stardom, the changing concept of beauty, and the significance of
these cultural phenomena in Korean society. This course will also approach the Korean celebrity culture from an
Asian and global context, paying special attention
betty says:
to recent Korean TV dramas and cinema, which brought about
the so-called Korean Wave.