Escape.

Sigh- I can't seem to handle life right now.
From relationships to the nitty gritty like tenants and landlords (management changed and they bounced back all my checks and I have no way of paying rent right now which is a major problem) I feel like what was supposed to be a relaxing summer has become so difficult riddled with arguments, tears and a lot of stress.

Today I basically had to get away. Just away.
I hate this default state of loneliness. Only when loneliness is chosen, does it lose its sting. And somehow, I thought, if I could just get away from my room and into this sanctuary of nature, I could find peace and stillness in this tumultous heart of mine.
I escaped with just my phone, camera (duh) and mp3 player and wandered around Mill Pond exploring all the uncharted, makeshift roads and just stood among the seven foot high heather listening to certain songs and just stood there feeling the silk of my dress on my skin, the branches scratching my legs (no, it wasnt the greatest idea to wear a dress while exploring the woods) and listening to the bubbling stream and the quiet hum of insects fluttering. I suddenly found a place where time appeared to stand still- where I could just bask in all its entirety without having to worry about it slipping away.
I wandered around the edge of the pond, tip toeing around all the fecal matter that the geese left and saw one portion of the pond had become stagnant- plates of yellow green algae had formed into a bed and was slowly shifting and sliding whilst floating on top of the murky pond water. It was both fascinating and disgusting. When I looked down at my feet- just a meter away was a small rotting fish lying in the mud- its eyeballs had disappeared with only its carcass left to the flies around. I don't know why that freaked me out but I just didn't expect to see it either.
Anyway, I just walked along the boardwalk of the pond and sat on a wooden slat bench, trying to soak in the solitude. It's funny- when I thought loneliness would be most difficult to swallow, I didn't find peace in the comfort of others but in the comfort of being by myself. The past few days, my head has been filled with a million voices and concerns- my only way to get away from it all and to just breathe was to sit by myself and just be still.

You know, all I want to do is cry but I'm so worn out from everything, I'm pretty much numb and the tears won't come out because I don't feel anything because I feel everything and too much at that.

I spent that hour just walking- not my usual New York brisk pace, but a slow meandering. It was like shuttling a piece of chocolate in your mouth- rolling it around, savouring its sweetness and swallowing.
Loneliness chosen, loses its sting.

To Kevin

It was only three months.
All that I've wanted to say has been said.
All that I could do has been done.
You will be missed.

And I guess it's time to move on.

Superman.

Oh man, gotta love big family gatherings- my mom's side of the family trying to squish into the elevator at that nice hotel with the chinese restaurant. Frickin hilarious. Do you see Evelyn?

If you could pick any supernatural power, what would it be?

Yes it would be nice to read minds but that would take the risk out of getting to know people- you wouldn't need to really interact with them to understand them.

Yes it would be nice to be invisible- but then what? We all try so hard to be noticed and loved, it seems a little useless.

Yes it would be nice to be a chameleon but you lose your sense of self.

Yes it would be nice to travel back into history or into the future but I'd rather not tamper with time- it's too delicate of an equilibrium to toy around with.

Yes the ability to fly would be nice or the ability to withstand fire or have a body of rubber but you know what I'd pick?

I'd pick teleportation.

Teleportation would mean I could live anywhere- I could save so much money on gas and public transportation- and I wouldn't pollute the environment. I could just roll out of bed and literally zap myself into class- imagine! I could skip the 15 minute wait line for the elevators at school every day! Getting art supplies would be so easy- I would no longer have to struggle with carrying huge rolls of paper home on the subway (I guess the downside of this would be I'd gain 20 lbs without all the walking I do). Best of all, I could live anywhere in the world and visit anyone I'd please. 'I miss you' would be a phrase of the past- something I'd no longer utter if I had such a power. This is obviously coming from my own perspective and history of 'needs'. It's a supernatural power that affects you directly and is ultra practical but does not affect anyone negatively unlike the ability to travel back into time.

Yeah.

-A friend once told me to 'guard your heart'- especially girls who become attached quickly to things. God, I suck at this.

-For me, home is associated with a sense of consistency- returning to a place that I feel safe within with little change. And now when I return from New York, it's as if everything and everyone is shifting gears. I no longer feel stable- just standing on shaky ground everywhere I go.

-People ask if you ever regret anything in life. I don't believe in regrets- I only wish that I did things sooner/later/earlier but I don't regret anything in life. It's too short to even have to deal with. And yet in this instance I had the choice of either to move forward or pull away and distance myself. I knew it was all coming- the same familiar feelings of fear, sadness and loss- and yet I could not resist just giving as much as I could to understand what it's like to just throw yourself at life and be able to scream, "I did everything I could, loved as hard as I could, gave as much as I could." and just keep going forward. Too often I've distanced myself out of almost self defence thinking, "This won't work out in the long run." but now- who cares. I'll love and give as much as I can- and I know it will hurt as it has done to me in the past, but what the hell- I'll do it if it means taking both the pain and pleasure of it all. I don't think I can live much longer surfing on mediocre, 'how are you doing?' friendships. Hm, I'm not sure how the 'guard your heart' philosophy would come in- but I guess I'll stick it in there somewhere.

-I wonder what it means to be selfless. If you are unwilling but are obedient- is that still a sign of selflessness? I don't know. Sometimes I try and push all feelings aside; everything that I want in order to try to do what everyone else wants but deep inside, I'm a little spiteful. I guess I'm just a little tired from it all.

-I've realized now that when I'm home, I just don't want to say anything to anyone -correction- I have little to say to anyone. I wished they understood that I'm so drained from trying to carry conversations on MSN, sometimes I just like to listen to people talk and perhaps give my two cents when required.

-I feel very sad.
Perhaps it's because it's 3:30am.

Concerning Spectatorship

Some funny 'vending machine' take out restaurant in St. Marks of NY (equivalent of 'Little Tokyo). You place your dollar or whatever, and you open up the slot which reveals a shelf with a mini burger or fries or peanut butter jelly sandwich.

The man who has stolen in order never to thieve again remains a thief. Nobody who has ever betrayed his principles can have a pure relationship with life. Therefore when a film-maker says he will produce a pot-boiler in order to give himself the strength and the means to make the film of his dreams- that is so much deception, or worse, self-deception. He will never now make his film. -Tarkovsky

I just like that quote- it's extremely true for me as a student who wants to design beyond just satisfying consumer desires. I'm always tempted to just do the typical.

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I must have at least 3000 photos I've taken the past two years. At least. I should back them all up just in case my laptop decides it can no longer shoulder the burden of all those images. Photography has always been something I've loved to do- and yet as someone commented a year ago, it's an extremely isolating activity. Yes, you try to form relationships and some aesthetic connection with the subject, yet your presence comes in the form of perspective rather than being physically in the picture. I kind of felt that when arranging all the pictures into an album which became even more noticeable when I saw Jerry's profile picture- a picture that I took of the group in which I was the photographer- it didn't seem like I existed- and then again, who would care if the photographer was in the pictures so long as the pictures themselves were good? Am I still only that spectator and still never the player? Do I still live life as if it were only meant to be viewed?

I somehow realized this back in gr 6 during the last few days of school in HK. I had pictures of all my friends, but I had very few of me in them. Ever since then, I tried to stick myself in every photo- and yet in doing that, having to ask someone to take the photograph makes me feel very guilty; guilty perhaps because I know how disconnected a person could feel when they are only the one who takes the picture thus I try to take the photographs to somehow numb that stupid feeling.

So when I look at pictures I've taken of my friends and think "they look gorgeous," I wonder if these hands and eyes could 'create' such images, could I do the same for myself and find that beauty I see in others in myself? The answer to that is, no. You can only be the subject of the camera or the photographer herself.

Sometimes the very things we want in life are the things that we give.
No, I'm not saying I want someone to take my picture- for example, in the past, I've always been the one who organizes parties and actually hosts them at my house. I love doing it- I love serving my friends and being able to see them enjoy themselves in the company of others makes me happy. Yet I don't think I realized how lovely it was when others planned events for you- something I was very grateful for when Angie and Alex threw me the surprise party and when my friends in NY picked and took me boating/eating/picnicking. It's nice to just have others serve you at times.
My roommate once told me all she wanted for her wedding was to get her make up done professionally and not having to lift a finger- she said it sounded vain, yet the past few years of high school dances, proms and formals have consisted of her doing all her friends' make up and saying goodbye as they drove off in a limo.
I think at times we assume the giver already has so much of what he or she gives, we fail to see that very same well in which the person puts so much energy and effort into serving others, has actually dried up.
Don't get me wrong, I like photographing people. I love just watching my friends get excited about getting their picture taken and babbling about what to wear (and of course pointing the finger at me as if I was some fashion guru) and for me, nothing excites me more than finding that perfect image framed in the lens.
Am I talented in photography? No. I took 431 images and only a handful were good- I find it funny when people say that to me- I'm sure if they each picked up the same fine SLR camera, they would be perfectly capable of taking a stunning picture especially with 431 chances. Personally it's all about the camera- the camera makes up for what I lack in skills and I use what art compositional skills I learnt in arts york to create a photograph. They're not deep- they're just pretty.
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I went to Value Village today and had the time of my life there. It's just one of those activities I do alone (since so far everyone complains of the vintage smell or the length of time it takes to rifle through things). I'm extremely ecclectic in taste from music to movies to fashion and having the ability to look through clothes ranging from the 20's style to retro is so much fun especially since I've studied it. I dislike buying mass produced fashion because it gives little way for expression. I love examining construction, feeling fabrics and buying random art stuff and books and clothing/sewing patterns. The reason why I love the place so much is that it sparks my imagination- I like looking at things and being able to see how I can add my own personality to it- my 'fifteen minutes of fame' feature in Elle magazine (in which they compared my outfit with some Yves Saint Laurent one) a few months ago was some $12 outfit I literally threw together at my last trip to the thrift store. I like being able to manipulate the ugly into the beautiful. It's more fun and challenging than taking what everyone finds trendy which I guess is why I deviate to almost costume at times. I don't like looking like everyone else (although at Parsons, everyone tries to hard to look different, we all end up looking the same :P)- and I hate it when people pigeon hole me into some category- I think that applies for anything including fashion in which I like to deviate from prim and proper to mod/retro etc; in music I have the typical teenage/trend stuff like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado to Linkin Park to my beloved movie soundtracks to more recently, random asian music to classical pieces by Liszt or Beethoven. After listening to an instrumental piano piece on my music list, someone was astonished to suddenly hear Jojo's 'Too Little Too Late' blaring.
"You listen to Jojo????"
Why not? It was a pretty catchy song. I liked it (85 times on Itunes).

Okay I'm really tired and there's no point to this post- I just like to blabber about things I don't like to talk about because they seem so silly.

A Week of Events// Trust Based on Touch

Kevin and Angie at Edwards Garden. I love this picture for the saturated colour, the silence and space and nothingness beyond the relationship between these two people which is highlighted by the silhouette faces- stark contrast between the whiteness of the pavement.

Hello, blog.
It's been ten days since I've written here.
So much has happened and it's all a blur.
But today marks one week since I've been back.

The reason why I stopped blogging for a period of ten days was because I wanted to write a thank you email to everyone who showed up/helped at my surprise party yet someone still hasn't given me their email addresses so I can't 'resist' writing in here before my memory slips away.

Just when I thought the festivities ended that Sunday- little did I know something big was going to happen on the Thursday- a day after my arrival.
The surprise party was pretty funny- partially of my own doing. In my eagerness to go to FMP and drink bubble tea, there was no resistance on my behalf when my mom took me out to distract me while the 'executive team' snuck in to inflate balloons and festoon the staircase with streamers.
To sum it up I was extremely surprised (note the beet red face in 80% of the pictures) and yet again humbled to the ground. The little things do truly speak volumes to me: from Robyn and Bobby who were washing all the dishes to Steve and Joseph cooking (awwwww) to Alex Chow who conceived of the idea and Angie who actually realized the event to Alex who baked cookies to the girls who gave me gifts and cards to Will and Matt who took out the big guns (aka their SLRs) and gave me a cd of the pictures.
What a great way to start my summer holiday back at home. :)

I got to see my entire family on Sunday evening for dinner at the Metropolitan Hotel where we crassly spoke really loudly as if we were in any other Chinese restaurant with $35/bowl shark fin soup. For dessert we basically ordered one of everything and decided to share the last raspberry mousse cake which we decided to screw the dividing and everyone had their forks up and massacred the entire thing. I'm not sure if it was because we hadnt seen each other in a while but it was one of the most fun times I've had with them in a while. We've planned to see the last installment of POTC together (it has become a tradition), go to Spencers by the water- a rather nice glass restaurant overlooking the lake in Burlington, have afternoon tea at the Old Mill Inn this Saturday (and then watch POTC) and celebrate my 10 year old cousin's birthday with an anime night and tiramisu (yes the one I make).

Then I got to see my best friend and watch Shrek 3 which I personally thought was the best out of the three. And had a productive afternoon since I learned the hirigama alphabet orally and my numbers from 1-10. :P
My gift to Angie.


And then there was Phantom and Angie's Photoshoot yesterday. I have little to say on the first partially because that has become somewhat of a blur to me- Colm Wilkinson still makes the best phantom and I will try to erase memories of Raoul's warbling.
The photoshoot- I believe- was quite a success. I slept till 1pm today- I think the second time I've ever done this having to recuperate from the 1.5 days of making a tiramisu and mango pudding, scrapbooking a card, wrapping the gift, taking pictures, uploading and editing pictures and sending pictures.
I am very much drained out but quite happy with the results of the photographs. I guess it was interesting trying to orchestrate a shoot with about five people in it which becomes difficult if one person grimaces- the shot automatically fails. It was also great to experiment with men in the picture- I've only photographed females- this shoot being the sixth I've done.
Angie and Ayrine


When I can sit somewhere with someone, be comfortable in utter silence and be fulfilled- it's those friendships I cherish. So at Pacific Mall, I didn't need to have to say anything- I just trusted that all that was said in the past would suffice and words could just dissipate.
I talk a lot on msn- I mean, you can't sit there in silence and develop a relationship online based on nothingness. I always have to constantly be saying something to nurture the friendship to replace the absence of my physical presence- that physical presence I try to make up for with photographs. Yet photographs are a mere shadow of the living body.
And now when I meet up with them again, all I want to know and establish is of my physical being; being through eye contact, smiling (not the emoticon or LOL) or hugging, I do not feel the necessity to speak- for long is the message history and blog entries where trust is built on words and thoughts and ideas- but trust is also built on touch. 'Touch is about trust, allowing someone to care for you.'- I don't know why that one line in a newspaper article some four years ago has been imprinted into my head, but I think this year's theme really has been on trust in the physical sense- because I lack that so.
When you watch dramas based on lovers or couples, little is said between the two and a sense of the physical presence is heightened in the absence of dialogue. I guess that's why I love that first picture in this entry of the two of them- it expresses a sense of relation in silence. Silence often has negative connotations yet I think silence taken willingly and not by default, whoever said this, really is golden.

You said, "at the party [I was] all over people", and yet there were some people I've only talked to- they were only limited to ideas, intangible things and thoughts and I felt the need to have to hug them as a way of expressing gratitude for being there and to establish some sort of physical presence. Many of my relationships are horribly imbalanced where I trust the person based on what I say yet I can hardly look at that very same person in the eye when I meet them. Whenever I am introduced to someone new, I can't say a verbal "hi"- I have to either shake their hand or give them a hug for it implies a sense of affirmation and mutual trust which breaks down any walls of distance and instantly creates a bond between the person and I.

But it was a great conversation- 40% speaking and 60% silence- both thoughts realized verbally and the act of just sitting there watching people pass by, just knowing physical presence based on trust, was enough.

Picking Up the Pieces of the Past// Thriving on a State of Anticipation

Puaha. Sorry I had to post up the $72 box of sashimi and sushi we had. It was great.

Hm so this is my review of the new Linkin Park cd. I bought it the day it came out- nice cover.
It's a lot more mainstream sounding than what I'm used to.
They've definitely grown up- gotten less about the self and more political and serious. Yet some of the songs like 'Bleed it Out' has this really happy vibe- almost teenybopper- sound to it. I don't like it that much right now because it sounds like any other band out there. What I loved about their old tracks was the strong catchy beat with the sound mixing. It was more cool and I'm finding this new cd more warm- if that makes any sense. I guess this one is more lyrical (like Shadow of the Day) and less rapping/screaming.
My favourite cd, hands down, is Reanimation. I think that's perhaps because I heard that before the cd prior to that which it was based off of but I loved every song on that cd. I still listen to 'By_Myslf', 'Krwling', 'My December' and 'Wth>You'- all songs I love because they sound so different from most bands either for its beat or for the instruments they included in it.
Ok, another thing, is the swearing. Sorry, it just ruins it. Wasn't Linkin Park known for not using swearing to express and convey emotions?

So far the songs I like are 'What I've Done' and 'Hands Held High'- the former grew on me and the latter for the violins. It sounds like autumn- like a black lamp post lined street smattered in ruby red and gold leaves.
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So what was supposed to be a 1.5 hour flight turned into a minimum of 2.5 hours of sleeping and waiting inside the airplane on the runway waiting for the thunderstorms to pass by.

I'm back. It feels odd. It feels like it should be January when I left. But it's not. It feels strange to walk into my room and inhale the air in our house- it smells faintly of my mom's potpourri mixed in with the unexplainable.
There are times when I hate memories- and I try not trigger them by destroying or hiding any objects that I know will bring back memories. Anything with dates goes: movie tickets, bills etc. I hate returning to a room that's dated- like I'm supposed to slip back into a dirty suit. It's like trying to pick up the pieces of a life on hiatus but not quite being able to fit them together perfectly.
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There are so many good things to come in the next two weeks yet I don't want them to come because I love being in the state of anticipation. Anticipation, to me, is that of hope and a mixture of the excitement looking at an object/event at its most subjective ideal. So when the pleasure ceases- when the event ends- disappointment ensues. Though the anticipation has been satisfied, a sense of wistfulness comes about. So with all these good things about to come, I don't want them to be fulfilled for the fear of just approaching the end. And then what?

Missing You.

I was supposed to go to the Metropolitan Museum with my friend to see a new show they just put up on Paul Poiret however she bailed out on me last minute so I ended up blasting my music in the room, ironing, packing and eating cake (I have so much sugar in my fridge alone- I'd get diabetes if I tried eating it all prior to my departure).

Sometimes I feel like the only time I can be utterly serious is when I'm writing here. And on MSN I feel a little obligated to be lighthearted and happy.

I'm in that state again.
That state of sentimentality and wistfulness.
It happens at least four times a year.

The great thing about New York is that you don't need a car to do anything. I walked around alone by myself today- something I do a lot when I'm bored. Certain places trigger certain memories- looking down on University Place Ave north reminds me of a cousin who will no longer be just three blocks within reach. Actually a lot of things remind me of Robyn- and now knowing that she will be gone has just enhanced and further deepened those places where the memories were conceived.

It's a love-hate thing on my behalf. I hate that overwhelming feeling of sadness when I know someone I care for deeply has gone- when a certain song or image unlatches the door to a flood of sepia washed memories. And yet I can't resist leafing through those memories in which I found so much happiness in.
I think one Sunday, after church, I will walk to Bagel Stix and sit alone there with the plain bagel with vegetable cream cheese that we both so grew fond of- lean my head against the glass and watch people pass by.

Why do I play such games? As if pretending my imagination could will them into physical existence. It's all a silly, stupid thing I do. I sit there and stare and imagine the missing person is actually there. I pretend that their presence is here with me and search for a sense of companionship in my loneliness. Why do I try and grasp onto something that is evidently not there?

I just want to know something in this world doesn't change. I want it to stand still and let me hold it for a while- to let me get to know people better before everyone disperses. I don't like variables- I like constants. y=mx+b. My life has always been a variable- always shifting, moving and changing- and I mean that in a physical sense.
Someone asked me where I picture myself in five years. I said China because I'd like to give China a shot. Or perhaps I'll be stuck here. I don't know. But thinking of the future makes me tired because I can't even handle the present.

People laugh when I say I'd miss 'so and so'- I mean I won't see her for a few months and perhaps another for three quarters of a year- but I'll see them eventually. Yet they don't factor in that I move simultaneously and the time it takes for me to get to know a person and develop a sense of fondness for him/her. It's been very hard on me mentally.
Time and distance are the primary reasons why all my friendships have faded.

And having to move, my first instinct is to simultaneously grasp and hold onto old friendships while trying to make new friends. And it gets a little tedious after a while so I just stop 'wasting' time in these things and establish relationships that only satisfy that awkward feeling I get in large social settings- like I falsely belong to clique or group.

God, it frickin sucks. I hate being the sentimental one- I try as hard as I can to deviate from it, but in the end, it always comes to this: me missing people, being wistful and living in the past. Sometimes I wish I loved people less, was less emotionally attached, less 'needy'; less of everything and more strong and independent.

But it's impossible.

I was watching another episode of Silence today, a Taiwanese drama, and one of the main characters who is a rich and handsome CEO, is thinking and gives this analogy of his life. If life was like driving a car, my entire ride has been smooth sailing- no bumps or detours- no problems, issues or hardships. Perhaps this is why I have arrived at the end so early and got so little out of life.

Looking at it in this perspective really did comfort me because I feel like I'm always hammering at the same issues, the same set of problems and finding no or little solution. There are no quick fixes to my problems and I get more impatient and passive as the days go by. But I know, pray and hope, that with time, I'll see results.

So I will walk home at 10pm when all goodbyes have left our lips, and as I pass 16th street, look back at Anthropologie where we part ways every Thursday evening.

And I will sit on the floor back in Toronto soon enough, close my eyes and listen to this particular song and remember you- although physically apart, existing in a few memories.

I'm such an idiot.

20

I think it's time to write a post just for the sake of preserving memories and little details I know I'll forget soon enough and it's best if they're all down here. I know most people know what I've been up to due to Facebook and whatever but I think it's necessary to write it all down for my own personal use.

I think four things defined the whole 20th birthday celebration:
-First of all, I finished my exams and projects on Thursday and had one class on Friday right before the weekend so it was a birthday/start of summer celebration for me. :P
It was supposed to thunderstorm this weekend but lo, it arrived on Friday and left my weekend cool, sunny with a little breeze.
-Man, God has blessed me with great friends. Although I don't know most of them on a deeper level, what they did for me this past weekend has truly humbled me.
-Alex's SLR camera. Hands down, I converted everyone who celebrated with me, into SLR 'wanters'. The comments I got included "It makes everyone look like supermodels", "The colours are so pretttttyyy", "Omg how much is this camera?", "I love your friend's camera!", "these are the perfect settings" and a certain someone wouldn't let go of it and kept snapping pictures. I know, it's like the one ring- everyone wants to keep it for themself. :P I think this was one of the best birthday presents ever- although not intentional, trusting me with his camera has given me the most beautiful pictures ever. Thanks again, Alex.

My AAS friends decided to take over and do the planning for my birthday so they took me to Central Park where we picnicked on Subway sandwiches, really sweet grapes and strawberries, cookies- and they surprised me with cupcakes from Billy- candles and all while doing a very halfhearted rendition of 'happy birthday'. lol. And I got pooed on by some stupid pigeon- luckily it was on my skin and not my shorts. After that we went to a reservoir to row around for about an hour and blowing bubbles (lol)- stopping by the famous bridge to write our names on and whatnot. Absolutely the most retarded memories were made there since our boat got semi stuck in there and there were pigeon nests on the belly of the bridge and one of my friends started having a massive freak out because she hates birds. Lol. I've never seen anyone row out so fast. Yeah since there were a lot of other people boating, it was quite like bumper cars. Well after that, they had to go home since they were going to have dinner at some trendy restaurant and clubbing at night- I told them I'd stop by to give them a cd of the pictures of that afternoon. So I met up with Robyn at night and we reserved a table at this Japanese restaurant called Matsuri (yes I'm still on the sakura high) in the Meatpacking District: http://www.themaritimehotel.com/matsuri.html



Such a freaking pretty restaurant where they serve really traditional dishes in small portions: sushi platter, lightly seared Kobe beef and pork belly marinated in soy sauce. Drool drool. LOL.
You're not supposed to take pictures inside of the interiors but you can take pictures of people in it so we faked it and got some pretty nice shots although if you click on the site, they have some gorgeous pictures of the curved roof with the washi paper lanterns.
Anyway afterwards I popped into Cafeteria to say hello to the rest of the AASers and to show them the wonders of an SLR camera working in the dark and then it started raining like no other. Robyn and I went to Magnolia Bakery to get banana pudding for both of us and Bonnie and a slice of pink frosted cake because I felt like it, and then went squelching home to get sugar high. Robyn crashed at my place and we went to church early in the morn but got there too late to help out with any of the set up. LOL. So we just sat around and chilled. Cheryl, the worship team leader, gave Robyn and I each a farewell card which was signed by the entire worship team and Hands crew. We also did a prayer ring and she asked everyone to pray for Robyn and I (although I'd be back in August) but it was really a humbling experience. I don't know- just receiving the card made me feel a little overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness and all the people who wrote in it whom I still don't know that well. How do you express that kind of gratitude? It just brings me to my knees to see everyone's little scribblings in there- one guy wrote 'To Sammy, One day I will ask you to teach me how to speak in Canadian'. LOL. It's such a small token of expressing 'thanks' and 'we'll miss you' but it speaks volumes personally.

After that, we rallied about ten other people to eat at an Italian restaurant and then parted ways. Around 9pm, my roomie and I got together with the roomies of 5A- last year's dorm people- and got a choice seats in a private room at a Moroccan tea restaurant called Casablanca: http://www.casablancatearoom.com/news.html

My roomie made me a pair of bloomers. LOL. So funny.
Ugh the muscles in my inner thighs are so sore and my feet are covered in scabs from walking in heels and flats. Gross.
So all in all it was a great birthday. Thanks everyone.

Edward Norton// The Mark of a Parsons Student

Conversations Concerning Edward Norton (because he is one of the coolest- or as Jess says- hottest guys)

Jessica Chen says: Edward Norton is a HOT MAN.
§åM says: HAHAHAHA
Jessica Chen says: I would marry him. like. in three seconds.
§åM says: omg
§åM says: have you seen The Illusionist?
Jessica Chen says: have you seen The Illusionist?
Jessica Chen says: HAHAHAHAHA
Jessica Chen says: I love how we asked the same question the same time.
Jessica Chen says: heck yes.
Jessica Chen says: it was GORGEOUS.
Jessica Chen says: he was so sexy, omg.
Jessica Chen says: I'm actually considering buying that soundtrack, too.
§åM says: HAHAHA'
§åM says: OMG what the frick
§åM says: YEAH
§åM says: Philip Glass baby
Jessica Chen says: okay, now that we have found our mutual love besides Jesus Christ, LOL.
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You Know You Go to Parsons When...


Me walking to Pastis in the Meatpacking District (trademark cobble stones- hell on the heels)

Sometimes you just gotta laugh at the stuff we do here at Parsons because honestly, for our last Body Garment class, we had brunch at Pastis- this Bohemian cafe in the trendy Meatpacking District (for anyone who actually pays attention, Miranda Priestly, the character from 'The Devil Wears Prada' mentions it). :P We basically had food and my roomie got a $13 mimosa (it was freaking tiny for that small of an alcoholic drink) and had our final critiques there. It was hilarious- all ten of us pretentiously sitting there wtih huge sunglasses on. Everyone was rather dressed up with the Chloe shoes and Louis Vuitton bags. Hilarious- I think of other universities like U of T or Queens or Waterloo... and I cannot imagine another college that would do that.

We also had a critique for our short art videos and our teacher invited our philosophy teacher and the head of our department to come in to give their input on our films. Anyway, we also invited our flamboyantly gay porn star Body Garment teacher to come in... IT WAS THE FUNNIEST CRIT EVER. Have you ever watched three vastly different personalities duel it out? It's hilarious. I felt like us students were spectators of what seemed like a power struggle between the adamant, narrowmindedness of the IDC head who dislikes fashion (at least we get that vibe) and our extremely quiet philosophy teacher who always had nothing to say about our films against our very loud Body Garment teacher who surprised everyone by quoting Tarkovsky.
At the beginning of the third film crit, the IDC head started talking about how she liked the film and then seemed to stop. Our Body Garment teacher decided to take the initiative to start talking when suddenly the IDC head says "excuse me, I'm not done yet" but our Body garment teacher just breezes over her and continues to talk EVEN SLOWER. Omg, you should have seen the darts she was throwing at him with her eyes- she literally looked like she got slapped in the face.
At one point our Body Garment teacher starts talking about some 19th century novelist and the IDC head tries to interrupt him and says "No, that's a play- not a novel" to which our philosophy teacher says "It's a novel." And our Body Garment teacher had this triumphant look on his face like he was thinking "although I'm in fashion, I know things beyond surface"
Frick, we were all laughing our heads off.
Moral of the Story: always have more than one teacher to crit work- it livens things up- especially if its a flamboyant Mr. Clean. LOL


A few of the garments presented today

And finally, today for Draping class we had our final crits on this garment we had to make. It's a very long process. You first design what you want to make and then figure out where all your seams and hems are. Then you take muslin- a thin cotton material used to make prototypes and you drape half of the dress form (because the other half is its mirror image). After fitting it onto the dress form, you have to adjust all the measurements to fit it yourself and then it's transferred onto pattern paper- basically large sheets of paper with numbers on them. After drawing them on paper, they're cut out and put onto the real fabric which is then cut and sewed together. From there you do final adjustments. It takes a hell a lot of time. I think I've spent 25-30 hours on mine although it looks deceptively simple since it falls away from the body.
Anyway, we all had to either put the final piece on our dress forms or wear it to class. So funny. So a few of the more daring, decided to wear our creations to class where we had to present our inspiration and talk about what we had difficulty with etc.
A lady at the department office asked me if I was putting it in 'the line' which I understood as the annual AAS fashion show they have at the end of the year- in which I said no since I wasn't in the AAS department. Anyway, many compliments from random people and a lot of head turning so it's all good. :D As my sewing teacher says, the back of a garment is just as important as the front because you want to leave an unforgettable impression when you leave. LOL.
I want a dress form for my birthday- they cost about $700. Haha.


Presenting my project by showing how the Jedi-esque hood drapes onto the head.

60 slides stand inbetween me and freedom/graduation/turning 20. Die die die!!

Meanderings: Reflecting on the Past Year

Some of the most beautiful paintings have a central area of darkness with a very bright sliver of light next to it. The eye is drawn to the extreme contrast where black and white to touch but not blend with one another.

As the spring semester, my sophomore year, comes to a close I'll be exactly halfway to reaching my desired BFA degree.
More than that as I look back this entire year of school at Parsons, I've seen how much God has challenged me especially the second semester in questioning the status of my friendships and my fear of getting to know people. I don't like getting to know people because I'm scared I'll get attached and becoming attached becomes painful upon separation yet ironically being relational by nature, has forced me to take a 'what the heck' approach and going for it even if pain is a certainty- I just hope it will mold me into someone better.
The past Sunday was the lowest point of my year- before I didn't really care if summer came or not but that day I wished I was done. I was at a friend's apartment in Brooklyn, sitting on the floor in her unfurnished apartment struggling with her sewing machine to put together a dress which took me from 4pm-12am- a dress I have so far put 25 hours into making this garment from draping it on the form to cutting the muslin to make a prototype to transferring it onto pattern paper to laying out the paper patterns on the real fabric to be cut out. I was so tired, frustrated and worn out due to exhaustion and lack of food since that morning. Yet my friend was there to help me sew and give advice when she saw how my lines started to waver. We also had some laughs- she's extremely like me in the oddest ways. We're both huge thrift junkies and buy things that don't fit us because we think we could sell it on ebay one day. I guess you could say that day was like one of those paintings- in that darkness there was also that white light- that blessing which came in the form of a friend.

God has also pushed me in ways other than school: stretching me beyond my comfort zone in making friends and taking more initiative rather than waiting on people. Although I can't say the church thing has been fully resolved as of yet, I know it takes time and patience for these things to come. Time has become extremely precious as I have been counting down the days till when I leave to return to Toronto and when people leave elsewhere- and I realized how much I wish I could will time to stand still for a while so I can get to know people better. Wouldn't it be great to have the 'control z' button in life? Whenever I make a mistake in sewing or if I said something stupid or anything of that sort, I immediately think of having the ability to go back a step in time, would be so wonderful. I just wish I could 'control z' back a little further so that I could have started some friendships earlier. One story that particularly sticks out to me is that of the old man with an ugly, torn heart who loved with everything he had and the prideful young man with a perfect heart- untouched and beautiful but unloved. It always reminds me of giving all that I have into relationships even if pain, sadness and loss are inevitable.

I will miss New York. New York is a transition city- no one lives here to really give to the city but to get something out of it- money, fame, excitement, 'glamour', education. What my friend wrote about global citizens is so true- we never think of what we can offer to a city but what we can take from it.
A few days ago my roommate and I were talking about how Manhattan is slowly growing on us and having to leave for the summer is like being torn apart from something we've just settled into. And when summer closes and it's time to leave home be it Toronto or LA, by then we'd be attached to the place where our families are that we wouldn't want to return to New York.
If you haven't moved around, it's a painful process I can tell you that. I belong to everywhere yet nowhere at all. You have the desire to settle but having lived in so many places where do you settle down? Upon questioning where we came from when we were in Rhode Island, my cousin was adamant to tell people she's from Canada though she technically lives in New York. I, on the other hand, have no idea what to tell people. I was born in the States but never lived there enough to remember anything and in my lifetime have lived in Toronto, Hong Kong and New York in a matter of twenty years. Which do I call home?

So God, what next?

Easy Comes, Easy Goes.

Oh what a beautiful day.
Yet there's an underlying sense of sadness in me.
Maybe it's because I'm hooked on another song- well a variation of one particular song.

I went home alone today- while it was peaceful until I got to Times Square, I felt extremely... out of it. I feel so burned out. Before, I could handle living on five hours of sleep a day but sitting through the sermon was excruciating today. I want to go out with people and have lunch with them yet I'm tied down by finals and for the past few weeks have been turning down invitations to hang out which is really killing me because I want so badly to know people there. And there's only one week left. One Sunday left.
As I have said before, I'll miss worship here. Today's worship was extremely intense- our worship alone is half an hour so I'm usually really tired by the time the sermon comes along from just really praising God with whatever that's been given to me.

Just as hard as it is to ask for forgiveness, so is it to forgive someone.
For some reason, I thought it would be easier but it's not.

If you ever watch tv, the slogan for T-Mobile is 'Stay connected!'
While I was walking around Manhattan yesterday running a few errands and just getting out of the apartment, I realized that things like Facebook, Blogspot, Xanga are only means to communication and not connection. What we seek is connection yet all we can seem to get ahold of is communication.
Why is it that all the good things in life are buried so deep down- it takes so much effort and work to get ahold of them?
It's easy to go to church, say hello to a few familiarized faces and leave. Or perhaps go for lunch and then return to work. Yet it's hard to become vulnerable to people and have people open up to you.
It's easy, in the realm of fashion, to create a trendy collection yet difficult to do something that's never been done before- almost impossible.
It's easy to destroy farmlands of wheat and replace them with rows of cookie cutter houses yet the land that once nourished, will always be barren.
It's easy to kill off a character in a film or novel that comes to reconciliation with the main figure of the story, yet difficult to show how the two characters move on in life with a history of so much hurt (cough).

We're always attracted to the easy for the easy requires less effort yet we all know the most valuable things in life come in times of hardship and hard work: environmental rejuvenation, solving problems of poverty... However we all end up settling for something less.
Our laziness drags us down more than our desire for something deeper and fulfilling.
It's as if we think good things come in short periods of time- or that we deserve good things with the least amount of effort. I think it's our generation that has this belief that all good things are deserved and not earned- lotteries, reality shows etc. We all admire the works of Da Vinci, Botticelli, Caravvagio, Monet- no one can dispute their beauty and talent. Yet we all know those paintings weren't done within the course of a week. You look up at the Sistine Chapel- you may hate it, it's gaudy, too many colours, too many things going on at once, the figure that Michelangelo so loved to paint are too billowy in musculature but you cannot deny it's splendour for the sheer amount of time and skill invested into the ceiling. It's beautiful, partially because of the time spent in it.

As my philosophy teacher says, we hate hard work, difficulty and challenges because it requires being in the uncertainty of it all- we don't like the searching and the confusion yet in hindsight, we realize how it has brought us forward and made us more mature. A former student once said to him, "do you teach to the lower 98% of the class or the 2% of the higher?"
To that he responded that that question was a dilemma all teachers face and yet he believes he should teach to that small percentage of students that give a darn and hopefully inspire some of the 98% to rise to the challenge.

Still we hesitate.

Forgiveness: Easier Said than Done

Life is so... funny.

I said right from the start, "I forgive you."
Boy was it easy to say but I know my heart doesn't follow.
So here I am not angry but disappointed and a little uncertain.
How do you forgive someone who you are supposed to trust, who you see as a friend though that title has never been uttered before, and lies to you in front of your face when you knew the truth upon asking?

At the time I was amiable- I think due to my state of being under that extremely dense chocolate thing I drank earlier but the following day, it just didn't hit me until the next day.
I know most people believe humans are essentially evil but I can't seem to accept that.

Yesterday was funniest of them all- I saw Spiderman 3 and one of the central themes was forgiveness. Uh I won't divulge you any of the story since I may just spoil it for those who want to watch it but it was really funny. A motherload of people there- making fun of the entire movie. It was kind of funny- you could hear people yelling "slut!" when Kirsten Dunst kissed this 'other' guy. And the script was horrendous. Absolutely terrible. Lines like "I AM the other guy," should be banned. Oh yeah there's a scene in the beginning where he's falling and they slow-mo it so you see him trying to grasp for his engagement ring- THEY TOTALLY STOLE THAT FROM LOTR. It looked exactly like when Frodo was in the tavern where he first meets Strider and he's falling onto the ground and catches the ring on his finger and vanishes. Frickin lame.
And honestly, filmmakers these days are relying waaay too much on CG.

Anyway I think the central theme for this week was on forgiveness and asking for help. Today I was working on my draping project and different Bible verses on forgiveness kept popp into my head.. seventy seven times... the servant and the master... yada yada.
This week I saw what happens to people when they don't ask for help due to pride or shame which results in broken trust and damaged relationships.

Dillusional: Chocolate Highs, Passports and Silk Voile.

I feel very betrayed right now.
When it first hit me, I was reeling in disbelief.
I realized, even when I am the victim and it's 100% honest-to-God NOT my fault at all, I fear confronting the person who wronged me. I question, I doubt myself and I'm afraid of their reaction.
When people are desperate, that's when you see their true colours.
I want to trust, but when that trust is broken: you forgive them but should you trust them again like in the past or do you take more precautions?
What do you do when people use you?


Anyway, running on five hours of sleep today: not because I was working but because of talking on MSN to people on holiday who do not have to bear the heavy consequences of waking up early. After class ended at 12pm, I had to go to the passport agency to find out what the heck was going on with my American passport. Amiably I wander down there, get checked in and get my number and sit down to wait to be called.
My number was A5141.
The number on the flashing sign was A5060.

I thought I was hallucinating. Surely they were going up by the hundreds right?
Nope. I looked on my little piece of paper with the number written on it and it said 'Waiting time: 2 hrs and 28 mins'
akelranerarnaekr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's...eighty one people ahead?? But I don't see eighty one people in the room!
Luckily, from prior experience trying to get a freaking HK id and passport in Hong Kong, I brought Burke, a printed copy of my unfinished essay and all my notes with me so I had a ball just sitting there writing stuff into it. Normally I'd feel quite impatient, grumpy and bored but for some reason, I embraced that time of waiting because it forced me to work on my essay with the distractions of msn and Japanese language websites. LOL.
Anyway, when they called my number, I felt like I won the lottery. I have to go back again tomorrow to pick it up... which means they can actually could have made my passport in a day. -_- So frickin lame. I brought everything with me: Air canada ticket proof of purchase, my Canadian Passport, student ID, drivers license, social security- I was literally a walking ID target. Anyway, after being stuck in there for three hours running on five hours of sleep you could imagine how delirious I was. So I strolled across to my favourite champagne truffle store, bought a box for my parents, a chocolate bar out of impulse, a huge chocolate chip cookie for my roomie and a huge frozen hot chocolate to give me energy.
Ok that was a bad idea because I was literally shaking from the lack of sleep hence lack of control in muscle movement.
I had to go to the fabric store since I have to go to the agency to get my passport... and I spent a whopping $179 there. Sigh. Making your own clothes is definitely not the answer to saving money. Just go buy it if you don't care for originality.
Since my fast is up, I blew money at H&M as well. I seriously was a little nuts at both stores- high on lack of sleep and chocolate. Not a good combo.

Today, the weather was nice- people in New York were nice. The elevators at the fabric store are manual so someone still has to close the doors and crank you up and he was nice and brought me up exclusively although they tend to wait for a crowd to get in. A guy let me walk first at the intersection because we almost collided into each other. The cashier at Jacque Torres complimented my Asian bangs which go straight down rather than the side. The passport agency worker who helped me was very jovial. The kids who were with their parents waiting to get passports were adorable- one little guy drinking his strawberry milk and sticking his tongue out while another was bugging his dad "DADDDDDDDYYYY!!!" The salesperson at the fabric store loved my dress and said she'd make one like it since it's vintage.

Anyway, today was the most bizarre day I've had thus far. Bizarre and surreal.
Pinch me, there's still one week left and I feel like I'm going into the mental asylum.

God, remind me that all I do should be for You and not about the grades. It's so hard. Compare and despair indeed.

World Class Citizen

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Cool ain't it? Today on Facebook I found an old friend who I still keep in touch whenever she comes to Toronto in the summer. I really really liked this short post she wrote in her livejournal. It speaks volumes to me because we share some common experiences of constantly moving and I guess is a cause for environmental devastation as a world class citizen:

'In a speech made by Jacques Chirac, he said, Notre pays, la France, chacun doit en être fier. Chacun doit se sentir dépositaire de son heritage. Chacun doit se sentir responsible de son avenir, (which roughly translates to: "Our country, France, each must be proud of it. Each must feel like the depository of its heritage. Each must feel responsible of its future.")

Interesting thought. I have never felt anywhere a sense of belonging so strong that I felt like I bore the burden of the future of 'my country'. I shake my head in frustration at the Chinese government, I cringe at decisions made by the US, and I joke about Canadian problems, but it's always been someone else's job to fix it, someone else's job to care. What happens (at least domestically) in any of these countries is not my business, because it's not my home, and because I'm leaving soon. I'm on the move to someplace else.

My father used to tell me that a large reason Hong Kong was such an environmental mess, was because it was such a transitory home to so many. People came, expecting to live there for a few years, get rich, then move on, with no thought to what a mess they would be leaving, or who would clean it up. To stretch the analogy, I think I've become like that--to me, every place I go to now is so temporary. A couple years and I'll be gone, leaving me so hesitant to invest in anywhere, to make it my own, to nurture it, and to question what I could do for this place.

I don't think it's just me. It's a generation of us third-culture kids. It's a host of global citizens who feel a connection to everywhere but nowhere at the same time.'

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Darn I wish I came up with that post myself. :P This is my kind of writing.