Changer of Hearts// Good First Date Activities

Random Asian model photograph. I love Asian models. :P

Listening to BSB's Inconsolable. It's not amazing- it's just catchy and it's true nostalgia.

I have little in my head these days other than the fictional fantasy that I live in. On Friday night my roomie and I stayed holed up in our room cutting up a cheap pirate hat we got at the nearby costume store, which we visit almost every day, and making our own 1940's hats till 4:30am watching certain scenes from Titanic- from the part we are transported back to the day the ship set sail until they see the iceberg (basically all the pretty parts and no dying). Today we draped and pinned fabric on each other to get the pattern of a shift dress we will make with wool crepe we got during our procrastinating Saturday. And we contemplated opening up shop on etsy.com.
As one of my classmates incredulously pointed out, I live in a world of imagined nostalgia. Nothing that I myself have suffered the loss of but have created this world from romanticized pasts and stylized ideas.

I go online, I stare at the name, somehow trying to will him to message me first. I'm obviously disappointed each time. There are some times when I think that it's okay if nothing happens between us because I can only do so much and the rest is up to God yet on the other, I feel that every time I get no or little response from him, it's my fault. I know it's not and I console myself by surrounding myself with friends.
Do I look really mean/intimidating/cold to other people? Girls approach me- always lavishing their compliments on what I'm wearing and asking how I am and telling me how their week was. But guys are a whole other story- I observe them and see how they approach other females without hesitation yet sometimes I stand at the back of the auditorium and see if they speak to me first. Never. I make sure I'm not crossing my arms and have a ready smile as I try to look them in the eye.
Nil. Nothing.
And it's so frustrating because I don't know if it's something in my self that is giving off hostile signals or if it's their own fear of approaching me first? I really don't know. They look at me without so much of a smile and look the other direction. Or some just completely ignore me. And this only happens with the male species.

And as eager as I was going into church, I leave a little sad. Disappointed. I know I'm supposed to meet God there, but knowing that I'm not getting closer to any of the people around me disheartens me.

I don't know why I want so bad. I don' know why I want to get to know everyone so bad. To know him. I hate being so relationally dependent on people. But to go back to the life of solitude I cocooned myself in during the first year? I don't know. I can't do that anymore.

I pray this prayer every day, that if God will permit it, to provide me with someone. Not in the blind faith way of laziness that Henry Cloud criticizes of not doing my share of trying to get out of my comfort zone relationally, but in way that I will persevere to serve others wholeheartedly. I will try my best in trying to get to know him- them- but in the end, I can't change hearts. Only God can change hearts, so I put my trust in Him- He who knows them best.
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I notice that many of my posts follow Psalms very closely in terms of format- from despair,sadness and frustration to praise/trust and faith.

On a totally random note, I think if I could choose where to go on a first date it would be either:
1)The Sakura Matsuri.
If you've never been to a cherry blossom festival in April, you are missing out. The ephemerality of these flowers that only last a week is the reason why its regarded for its beauty. In its present state of blossoms, it already notes a hint of the impending fate of death. We cherish the flowers because we know they only last for a week. It's transience reminds us of our own existence- but throughout its short lifespan, you can't help but admire how beautiful the cycle is. From the very first tight bud to the blossoming of the flower to a carpet of pink petals. Man can never make something so wondrous. Honestly, when I went this last April, I felt like I was seeing a glimpse of Heaven. It's haunted me ever since.
On a more practical note, this date would have to happen within that one week of April so obviously it's a little illogical for a first date. :P

2)The Costume Store
I live near one that spans a whole avenue long. It's so much fun to hang around there trying things on and laughing at yourself in whatever get up you decide to don. It's like Good Will Hunting- great place for a first date to break that awkwardness.