Disappointment, Distaste and Design
Disappointment and Discouragement
Some times I get so tired and discouraged to fight for whatever I believe in. It seems like whatever you say, others will just disregard you. I sometimes see my friends at Western or Queens or York or U of T and can't help but feel jealous because they're in schools with large fellowships. And I find that more science people are religious while modernist perception is that we artists are mean to be controversial/shocking and 'open minded'. So today a girl in my class said at break 'I am going to celebrate this Easter like an atheist'. No clue by what she meant by that but I thought it was a pretty silly remark. Plus people like Sam C have friends from RHCBC who go to her school.... it sometimes seems unfair. I know that I have so much to be thankful for but last Sunday during worship I suddenly felt angry and sad and disappointed at the same time. Why, why would God hold back Christian friends from me? I have none here. For the past.... hm.. august to april.. nine months I have entered the church and left alone. Do you understand how hard that is? No I doubt it. I can understand a boyfriend. I really can. I don't mind waiting, though frustrating, because I know that I still need tweaking and transform into the woman He wants me to be. But friends? Friends, that the Bible has stressed to have? I don't understand why He has held back. To have the fellowship with other christians. Perhaps I should swap to the Korean church my friend goes to? I don't know. However if the church is a place to worship, should I not be able to make friends with Christians in any church? But that Sunday was quite sad. It feels like Canada 2000-2003 all over again: Goldilocks. I went from small to large to a medium church (RHCBC).
My roommates spoke of the suppression of sexuality with gay men while growing up and about how people automatically think a girl who has makeup and nice clothes is a bimbo because it seems as if she spent time to pretty herself up than doing work. They spoke of feminism and the perceptions of gender. They spoke about how girls perceive other girls who are 'feminine' as a threat but more masculine or 'tomboyish' girls as not a threat.
And you know it's not going to be a closed argument since they are controversial issues (homosexualiy and such). Then again the other day I was thinking about homosexuality and how impossible it is because of our anatomical structures. I knew this before but didn't really think about it much. Everything in nature makes sense and I mean by how everything is structured but men having sex with men works against the design of nature.
I don't know anymore. I think the more I read about Christian theorist books, the more I get confused, the more I don't know how to communicate with God. Andrew once said something about all the different Christian theologists who said God lets you choose your future and there is no right or wrong as opposed to this set path that is like a math equation: either right or wrong. And something about the different ways that God speaks to people but not through this and this and this (sorry I can't remember Andrew so I just won't try and say what it was). And just last week, our pastor spoke about trying to just stay quiet and 'be still and know that I am God'. I tried that and I realized I really can't keep my mouth shut. Now I just feel more and more confused by even what Christian theologists say. My greatest fear is that I'll just pick and choose whatever I want like some big buffet. I don't want that. I want to know exactly how and what He wants me to come to Him.
But I guess this kind of covers how God desires for us to pursue Him and have a desire to know Him. Like a woman, I guess He just likes that veil of mystery, that drives us to try to know Him more and little by little, He will reveal a little of His being.
The Value of Integrity
There is no longer any integrity within school and work ethics. I think, as Tania said, it was very much a cultural thing in which traditional or first generation Chinese families stress on honor, hard work and commitment. Here, my roommates swap homework. What's even more ludicrous is that a girl- a spoiled rich brat from the south- got her friend to sew her entire runway collection for Fusion when it was clearly against the rules. Where is the shame? People keep saying that this year doesn't matter and that we shouldn't bother trying... but you don't pay $42 k to breeze through either. Personally I find that I need to keep my artistic standing among my peers and that's why I try to do my best work. Not only that, but I want to feel proud of my work and that I learned something. I want to show my parents my work and receive compliments and their pride. But now I find integrity is no longer an important asset of a person's character.
Our Environment and the Entertainment Industry
To celebrate Earth Day (April 22), two magazines: Vanity Fair and Elle have issued a 'Green issue' just for the month of April. So if you are anti-global warming and actually give a darn for our environment, please support these two prominent magazine companies by buying these issues.
Today at English, where I was clearly falling asleep, a guy was doing a presentation on the sanitation system in NY and the teacher asked him if we had recycling in our dorm... he said it was a dinky closet with two small recycling bins. Our teacher then proceeded to ask if people actually recycled and the guy said no. And so I just decided to pipe up that "I set up a recycling box where my roommates and I place our paper and bottles in and I take it out when it gets full into the closet". And the guy said "yeah and she lives on my floor". Yes, that's right, someone on your floor actually recycles.
I was reading that issue of Vanity Fair (I don't usually buy it because it's more on people than fashion.. not interested in celebrities really) and they were doing short bios of different people who are continuously impacting the environment for the better and one was a CHRISTIAN PASTOR who supports the environment and encourages churches to use renewable energy and recycling. He even cites from Revelation when God said that 'He will destroy anyone who destroys the earth'. Hahah. Awesome. If God says that he'll destroy you for plundering and pilfering this earth, be afraid- be very afraid. I don't think anyone really understands how tragic this will turn out if we don't take action now. And it's worse at my school because it's a design school. If you want to do something to help the environment, go to the design schools. Honestly. If you go to some school like U of T or Queens or whatever- sure they can get all their students to find some formula or create some gadgetry to reduce pollution but these people I am going to class with now, are the future designers of the world. And design is everywhere from the shape of your fork to the aircondition to the metal can that holds paint to the chair you sit on. Everything that you see, was created by one of us. And there are so many terrible designs that need improvement. Like today I was walking home and was forced to walk on the road because the sidewalk was being repaired and a garbage truck was there and the guys were forcing pieces of steel, wood and glass into the thing that crushes and compresses the materials together to make it compact. I was afraid that the material would resist and bounce back because the design of the truck is not really meant to protect you from flying objects- more to crush objects (unless they resist). Well one piece of ceramic came flying out and spun and hit my foot. Now that is unsafe design. Probably all the fabrics used in chairs and carpets are harmful with all the chemicals and dyes. I just learned that plywood, the wood I am using for my picnic basket, has formaldehyde in it. Not only is this destroying the earth we live on but our health as well.
Okay I am done ranting about how important design and the environment are as a unit. I'm so tired.. it's 3am.
Some times I get so tired and discouraged to fight for whatever I believe in. It seems like whatever you say, others will just disregard you. I sometimes see my friends at Western or Queens or York or U of T and can't help but feel jealous because they're in schools with large fellowships. And I find that more science people are religious while modernist perception is that we artists are mean to be controversial/shocking and 'open minded'. So today a girl in my class said at break 'I am going to celebrate this Easter like an atheist'. No clue by what she meant by that but I thought it was a pretty silly remark. Plus people like Sam C have friends from RHCBC who go to her school.... it sometimes seems unfair. I know that I have so much to be thankful for but last Sunday during worship I suddenly felt angry and sad and disappointed at the same time. Why, why would God hold back Christian friends from me? I have none here. For the past.... hm.. august to april.. nine months I have entered the church and left alone. Do you understand how hard that is? No I doubt it. I can understand a boyfriend. I really can. I don't mind waiting, though frustrating, because I know that I still need tweaking and transform into the woman He wants me to be. But friends? Friends, that the Bible has stressed to have? I don't understand why He has held back. To have the fellowship with other christians. Perhaps I should swap to the Korean church my friend goes to? I don't know. However if the church is a place to worship, should I not be able to make friends with Christians in any church? But that Sunday was quite sad. It feels like Canada 2000-2003 all over again: Goldilocks. I went from small to large to a medium church (RHCBC).
My roommates spoke of the suppression of sexuality with gay men while growing up and about how people automatically think a girl who has makeup and nice clothes is a bimbo because it seems as if she spent time to pretty herself up than doing work. They spoke of feminism and the perceptions of gender. They spoke about how girls perceive other girls who are 'feminine' as a threat but more masculine or 'tomboyish' girls as not a threat.
And you know it's not going to be a closed argument since they are controversial issues (homosexualiy and such). Then again the other day I was thinking about homosexuality and how impossible it is because of our anatomical structures. I knew this before but didn't really think about it much. Everything in nature makes sense and I mean by how everything is structured but men having sex with men works against the design of nature.
I don't know anymore. I think the more I read about Christian theorist books, the more I get confused, the more I don't know how to communicate with God. Andrew once said something about all the different Christian theologists who said God lets you choose your future and there is no right or wrong as opposed to this set path that is like a math equation: either right or wrong. And something about the different ways that God speaks to people but not through this and this and this (sorry I can't remember Andrew so I just won't try and say what it was). And just last week, our pastor spoke about trying to just stay quiet and 'be still and know that I am God'. I tried that and I realized I really can't keep my mouth shut. Now I just feel more and more confused by even what Christian theologists say. My greatest fear is that I'll just pick and choose whatever I want like some big buffet. I don't want that. I want to know exactly how and what He wants me to come to Him.
But I guess this kind of covers how God desires for us to pursue Him and have a desire to know Him. Like a woman, I guess He just likes that veil of mystery, that drives us to try to know Him more and little by little, He will reveal a little of His being.
The Value of Integrity
There is no longer any integrity within school and work ethics. I think, as Tania said, it was very much a cultural thing in which traditional or first generation Chinese families stress on honor, hard work and commitment. Here, my roommates swap homework. What's even more ludicrous is that a girl- a spoiled rich brat from the south- got her friend to sew her entire runway collection for Fusion when it was clearly against the rules. Where is the shame? People keep saying that this year doesn't matter and that we shouldn't bother trying... but you don't pay $42 k to breeze through either. Personally I find that I need to keep my artistic standing among my peers and that's why I try to do my best work. Not only that, but I want to feel proud of my work and that I learned something. I want to show my parents my work and receive compliments and their pride. But now I find integrity is no longer an important asset of a person's character.
Our Environment and the Entertainment Industry
To celebrate Earth Day (April 22), two magazines: Vanity Fair and Elle have issued a 'Green issue' just for the month of April. So if you are anti-global warming and actually give a darn for our environment, please support these two prominent magazine companies by buying these issues.
Today at English, where I was clearly falling asleep, a guy was doing a presentation on the sanitation system in NY and the teacher asked him if we had recycling in our dorm... he said it was a dinky closet with two small recycling bins. Our teacher then proceeded to ask if people actually recycled and the guy said no. And so I just decided to pipe up that "I set up a recycling box where my roommates and I place our paper and bottles in and I take it out when it gets full into the closet". And the guy said "yeah and she lives on my floor". Yes, that's right, someone on your floor actually recycles.
I was reading that issue of Vanity Fair (I don't usually buy it because it's more on people than fashion.. not interested in celebrities really) and they were doing short bios of different people who are continuously impacting the environment for the better and one was a CHRISTIAN PASTOR who supports the environment and encourages churches to use renewable energy and recycling. He even cites from Revelation when God said that 'He will destroy anyone who destroys the earth'. Hahah. Awesome. If God says that he'll destroy you for plundering and pilfering this earth, be afraid- be very afraid. I don't think anyone really understands how tragic this will turn out if we don't take action now. And it's worse at my school because it's a design school. If you want to do something to help the environment, go to the design schools. Honestly. If you go to some school like U of T or Queens or whatever- sure they can get all their students to find some formula or create some gadgetry to reduce pollution but these people I am going to class with now, are the future designers of the world. And design is everywhere from the shape of your fork to the aircondition to the metal can that holds paint to the chair you sit on. Everything that you see, was created by one of us. And there are so many terrible designs that need improvement. Like today I was walking home and was forced to walk on the road because the sidewalk was being repaired and a garbage truck was there and the guys were forcing pieces of steel, wood and glass into the thing that crushes and compresses the materials together to make it compact. I was afraid that the material would resist and bounce back because the design of the truck is not really meant to protect you from flying objects- more to crush objects (unless they resist). Well one piece of ceramic came flying out and spun and hit my foot. Now that is unsafe design. Probably all the fabrics used in chairs and carpets are harmful with all the chemicals and dyes. I just learned that plywood, the wood I am using for my picnic basket, has formaldehyde in it. Not only is this destroying the earth we live on but our health as well.
Okay I am done ranting about how important design and the environment are as a unit. I'm so tired.. it's 3am.
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