Someday: there is always wishful thinking
What If
Yesterday Allie, Bonnie and I were sitting around discussing abortion and its link to globalization and youth culture (homework.. hahaha.. not some conversation we just decided to talk about). Bonnie is a person who will not do anything that does not benefit with her. Well Allie asked for my opinion and I obviously said that I was against abortion UNLESS the mother was endangered from whatever cause. And then Allie asked if I would get one if I was walking around one day in New York and I got pushed into an back alley, was raped and the guy had AIDs and the baby would grow deformed or mentally retarded. Lol. And I said, you're just saying the worst of everything. They just laughed and said that was true. First, as I said before, New York doesn't have any alleys... all the buildings are stuck together to save space. Secondly what's the chance that I'd get raped in New York city considering there are millions of people who live here are constantly out on the streets. Plus I never leave the room really without someone else.
But for some reason, I became really afraid all of a sudden. I don't know why. The answer is easy: have the baby and put it up for adoption but I can't even imagine going through the physical and psychological effects of the incident plus having to take leave from school etc etc. I don't know, I just got that cold, icy feeling.
Growing Up
Since everyone has older itunes playlists than I, I went through every kid's music lists in my dorm, listening to all the old songs I used to be into like N Sync's 'This I Promise You' or O-Town.. haha.. kind of funny. Today Allie and I were watching 'Making the Video' for Nick Lachey's new album hit song, 'What's Left of Me' (aw). Really bad digital effects. She said there were three grades of boy bands: N Sync was A, BSB was a B and 98 degrees, a C. I thought it was BSB first, N Sync second and 98 degrees last.. perhaps that's just because I remember BSB songs better than N Sync ones. For female artists Allie said Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and lastly Jessica Simpson. I'd say Christina Aguilera was way more talented than her fellow Mickey Mouser. Her voice is just amazingly strong. Anyway, I found the song 'Genie in a Bottle' in someone's playlist... I just remember back in those awkward years of growing up, in 6th or 7th grade when I still lived in Hong Kong.. we had a trip to some island nearby and they had a dance (a representation of acceptance and being cool personally at the time). And I remember this song was playing. I don't know why I remember.. Oh I know why... it may sound really absurd, but it was because it was the first time I broke away from oversized t shirts and wore a tank top that I borrowed from my friend. And I remember that- that transition from kid to teenager (which I associated with clothing: a physical representation of something invisible). Funny. Dances were quite big at Island School in HK. I remember the last one I went to. My best friend of the time blabbed out who I had a crush on and set up this song dedicated to him and I and my other friend and her guy... except I had gone out before that to find my friend Yugo who was quite depressed.. can't remember why (I found out later about the set up) and just hung around and talked to him. Then right before I had to go, my best friend yet again tried to set up a dance with me and the guy... haha.. and I just ran away and said I had to leave anyway. Haha.. All I remember of him was that he played tennis and was amazing at the piano and school in general. He moved to Australia and I to Canada.. spoke to him a few times after. Being 13 was hard. Now I don't care as much as what people think but that time was just really awkward for me.
One Way Conversations
I'm getting quite frustrated with some conversations.. you try to talk, asking a billion questions and all they do is answer you without asking you anything.... it's a 'give-take' relationship going on and it just really pisses me off sometimes. It's absolutely hopeless. 'How are you? What are you up to? How has school been? What are your summer plans? Are you excited?' I honestly feel like I'm interrogating people.. it makes me feel as if I'm too pushy or needy. I don't want to haggle people. Sometimes I'm so delighted and taken aback when someone asks me a question as if it was an honour to be asked. I don't know anymore. My mood levels usually depend one whether or not I had good conversations. Sigh. I want to feel some connection but some people really don't want to put the effort into it. So do you just drift and let it go? How many friends do you have? Have you known your friends ever since you were little? Have you grown up with them since grade 5? Well I have none that span back to my grade school days because I've moved thrice, losing a crop of good friends each time. And I already feel that we've all drifted within our Raps crew. And there they go again.
The heart slowly dies a cold miserable death.
Is there anyone who can stand up and say 'let's make this long distance friendship/relationship work because it's worth saving and nourishing.'? Please come forth.
The demons are saying I'm too demanding.
Needy.
Whiny.
And I just want them to shut up.
And you wonder why I am like this: snickering at the fact that people actually have the nerve to say 'Friends Forever' when it has never been true for me.
Remember Marisca, Danielle, and Charlotte in WCS.. then there was Anita, Meryle, Carmen, Sarah and Ben in BJS in HK.. then Hilda, Jackie, Debbie, Yugo, Serene in Island School... then there was again Marisca, Danielle along with Miriam, Mike, Hannah, Liz in WCS when I returned. Then there was Cass, Lois, Alethea, Amy, Julia, Sarah in gr 9... and then Tania, Tanya, Dor, April, Amy, Vicky, Danielle, Lauren, Chantel in gr 10... and then Steph, Mitch, Alice, Soph, Sarah Fong, Vanessa in gr 11. Then three distinct groups in grade 12. There have been so many people who have touched my life and I of theirs.
It has just occured to me, you who is reading my blog, you know so much about me yet I know so little of you. Will you please tell me?
Yesterday Allie, Bonnie and I were sitting around discussing abortion and its link to globalization and youth culture (homework.. hahaha.. not some conversation we just decided to talk about). Bonnie is a person who will not do anything that does not benefit with her. Well Allie asked for my opinion and I obviously said that I was against abortion UNLESS the mother was endangered from whatever cause. And then Allie asked if I would get one if I was walking around one day in New York and I got pushed into an back alley, was raped and the guy had AIDs and the baby would grow deformed or mentally retarded. Lol. And I said, you're just saying the worst of everything. They just laughed and said that was true. First, as I said before, New York doesn't have any alleys... all the buildings are stuck together to save space. Secondly what's the chance that I'd get raped in New York city considering there are millions of people who live here are constantly out on the streets. Plus I never leave the room really without someone else.
But for some reason, I became really afraid all of a sudden. I don't know why. The answer is easy: have the baby and put it up for adoption but I can't even imagine going through the physical and psychological effects of the incident plus having to take leave from school etc etc. I don't know, I just got that cold, icy feeling.
Growing Up
Since everyone has older itunes playlists than I, I went through every kid's music lists in my dorm, listening to all the old songs I used to be into like N Sync's 'This I Promise You' or O-Town.. haha.. kind of funny. Today Allie and I were watching 'Making the Video' for Nick Lachey's new album hit song, 'What's Left of Me' (aw). Really bad digital effects. She said there were three grades of boy bands: N Sync was A, BSB was a B and 98 degrees, a C. I thought it was BSB first, N Sync second and 98 degrees last.. perhaps that's just because I remember BSB songs better than N Sync ones. For female artists Allie said Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and lastly Jessica Simpson. I'd say Christina Aguilera was way more talented than her fellow Mickey Mouser. Her voice is just amazingly strong. Anyway, I found the song 'Genie in a Bottle' in someone's playlist... I just remember back in those awkward years of growing up, in 6th or 7th grade when I still lived in Hong Kong.. we had a trip to some island nearby and they had a dance (a representation of acceptance and being cool personally at the time). And I remember this song was playing. I don't know why I remember.. Oh I know why... it may sound really absurd, but it was because it was the first time I broke away from oversized t shirts and wore a tank top that I borrowed from my friend. And I remember that- that transition from kid to teenager (which I associated with clothing: a physical representation of something invisible). Funny. Dances were quite big at Island School in HK. I remember the last one I went to. My best friend of the time blabbed out who I had a crush on and set up this song dedicated to him and I and my other friend and her guy... except I had gone out before that to find my friend Yugo who was quite depressed.. can't remember why (I found out later about the set up) and just hung around and talked to him. Then right before I had to go, my best friend yet again tried to set up a dance with me and the guy... haha.. and I just ran away and said I had to leave anyway. Haha.. All I remember of him was that he played tennis and was amazing at the piano and school in general. He moved to Australia and I to Canada.. spoke to him a few times after. Being 13 was hard. Now I don't care as much as what people think but that time was just really awkward for me.
One Way Conversations
I'm getting quite frustrated with some conversations.. you try to talk, asking a billion questions and all they do is answer you without asking you anything.... it's a 'give-take' relationship going on and it just really pisses me off sometimes. It's absolutely hopeless. 'How are you? What are you up to? How has school been? What are your summer plans? Are you excited?' I honestly feel like I'm interrogating people.. it makes me feel as if I'm too pushy or needy. I don't want to haggle people. Sometimes I'm so delighted and taken aback when someone asks me a question as if it was an honour to be asked. I don't know anymore. My mood levels usually depend one whether or not I had good conversations. Sigh. I want to feel some connection but some people really don't want to put the effort into it. So do you just drift and let it go? How many friends do you have? Have you known your friends ever since you were little? Have you grown up with them since grade 5? Well I have none that span back to my grade school days because I've moved thrice, losing a crop of good friends each time. And I already feel that we've all drifted within our Raps crew. And there they go again.
The heart slowly dies a cold miserable death.
Is there anyone who can stand up and say 'let's make this long distance friendship/relationship work because it's worth saving and nourishing.'? Please come forth.
The demons are saying I'm too demanding.
Needy.
Whiny.
And I just want them to shut up.
And you wonder why I am like this: snickering at the fact that people actually have the nerve to say 'Friends Forever' when it has never been true for me.
Remember Marisca, Danielle, and Charlotte in WCS.. then there was Anita, Meryle, Carmen, Sarah and Ben in BJS in HK.. then Hilda, Jackie, Debbie, Yugo, Serene in Island School... then there was again Marisca, Danielle along with Miriam, Mike, Hannah, Liz in WCS when I returned. Then there was Cass, Lois, Alethea, Amy, Julia, Sarah in gr 9... and then Tania, Tanya, Dor, April, Amy, Vicky, Danielle, Lauren, Chantel in gr 10... and then Steph, Mitch, Alice, Soph, Sarah Fong, Vanessa in gr 11. Then three distinct groups in grade 12. There have been so many people who have touched my life and I of theirs.
It has just occured to me, you who is reading my blog, you know so much about me yet I know so little of you. Will you please tell me?
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home