High/Low: Change.

Wow I have never experienced such a high/low within a matter of twenty four hours.


I made this brand redesign package for the CEO last week in hopes that that our Content team could convince him to really take a chance to give it some personality. He, told us, that a brand should blend in and not stand out. To us, that sounded like a total contradiction.

I recall at my interview, my boss was telling me that change comes very slowly at this company; that working here would either bring out the best or worst of me.

After our first rebranding meeting, my team and I left extremely frustrated at the merchandiser and the lack of drive to take a risk to do something different. Currently all our brands are more or less the same and without much of a distinct visual identity.

I was frustrated but then it dawned on me, that if I wanted to see change, I couldn't sit back and just complain: I have to pro-actively do something about it.

And who else could create a brand package? I am that synthesis of visual design, fashion, business and writing. Although I came with no particular field of study, the more you know the more skills you can apply to whatever the job calls for.

Yesterday my boss approached me asking to help him get six chicken McNuggets from McD's. He hesitated and told me that he spoke to the CEO and he was really surprised by the CEO's answer. I told him to save it for later at 4pm when our Content team was to get together to talk about it.
4pm rolls around. He tells us again that he was surprised by the reaction of the CEO. Essentially at their meeting, he bought into the whole pitch including my proposal for a brand name revision. This, we realized, would change the entire way our website operates. In the past, the merchandiser would purchase what she thought a customer would like, and then we would write a note about it. Now, our team is given a lot more power in dictating the overall look and feel of the brand. As he said, we will be working more closely with the merchandiser and integrate content with product line. To top this off, he said the merchandiser would most likely need to be taught what to buy when in Korea and he points to me and says, "you are most likely to be the one going to Korea. You'll be going to ten warehouses teaching them how to buy for this brand from how it will look to how to style everything. So prepare yourself psychologically to go to Korea."
aenrfkwanefa .asgalrnkgalwerekwjawiae;enf sdfwawe,.frawn!!!!!
All this time I was trying to look serious as if this was all brand new to me but in my head I was trying to control the corners of my mouth from twitching upward. Not in a way to say 'ha ha I am so smug that my proposal got accepted' but more like 'awerakjaw THANKS GOD.'
I have never felt so good. And I realize, I love being me. Not that I am better than anyone else, just that how I was created is good enough. Although I sucked at math and though my mother would complain to my host that I would struggle so much, my aunt would reply "well that means she's not meant to do math and she is to do art."
I still suck at math. Well, I'm just relatively slow for an Asian, but no one can think like I do. Very few people think design as a business, think of the bigger picture as well as the details, think about sustainability as well as fashion. This is my calling in life, and I do well in it because, God designed me to fulfill this calling. Not that the calling is to do branding all my life, but I think I'm starting to catch a glimpse of my future and my potential. I mean, if the CEO bought into it, that means I must be somewhat convincing. And if my thesis project taught me one thing, it was not about sustainable fashion but the importance of believing in yourself and in your work. Because no one will believe it if you don't believe it yourself first. For if you don't believe in it from the start, you will have already compromised the integrity of your work. And why waste time in doing something you either have little talent for or have a lack of passion in? Today I realized how loud the power of writing in combination with visuals can be over the spoken word. I didn't say a word to the CEO, and look, we are starting to make great changes! Of course, footnoted by Him alone.

My oh my. God is so good.
My crazy self wrote that on the shower glass that night when it hit me, if God thought what He created on earth was 'good' then what is 'great' to Him? If the earth, all the micro-organisms to the human brain to the construct of our soul is just 'good', then what the heck is 'awesome' to Him? I can't even fathom it.
That night I was supposed to go to a social networking event hosted by two advertising agencies on how to foster creativity but as soon as I got there I didn't feel like going in so left my friend with her friend, and went home (still on that high from the whole rebranding meeting). Stopped by Cotton On and found my pair of shorts were on the sales rack after having MIA-ed for three weeks (magically appeared from outta nowhere!): purchased for $25, baby. They resemble beach shorts and have this weird geometric pattern on them. But I like weird things so I thought as soon as this hellish 30 degree weather (yes still 30 degrees) cools down, I'll wear it with my boyfriend blazer, tights and boots. I'm still waiting. Summer must end now. I'm waiting to go for the Givenchy Sp10 look. Black and white geometry, now that's my kind of math.

Anyhow, that night I started to feel ill with a stomach ache. I thought I was just hunched over too long. THe following day after some not so nice bowel movements and going to work, I smelled my colleague's fried noodles and felt like puking at the scent. I felt achy all over but I thought it was because I was sitting at the office too long- I direly wanted a massage. I decided to go to a doctors and was diagnosed with HK's favourite disease: stomach flu and fever. Went home, couldn't sleep since I was aching. I had to cancel that night's baking session: my friend wanted me to help her bake a cake for her friend's b day the next day. I slept eleven hours that night. It's odd because I still felt like I needed to set an alarm which made me realize how stingy I am with sleep despite being sick. And I've never slept eleven hours. The past months including summer and my thesis year, I've been getting around six so eleven is very odd. It feels like a waste of time.
Today I felt a lot better. I was determined to get better, well, because I was gonna go to work. Turns up I didn't have to with a doc's note. The fever disappeared so I whipped up the cake this morn and tried to go out but felt very weak. I can tell because my usual fast paced walking is reduced to normal pedestrian mileage. On the bright side of things, stomach flu usually means an absence of a visible stomach. As in, because I only ate a few vegetables and congee, my stomach is soooo flat at least I look skinnier. I have a beach body sans the fake sucking-in stomach! ahahaha..I kid ever so slightly.

*****
How do you die to yourself when he pops up even in my dreams? My acc. partner said "well ask God to remove those dreams then," but I do not control them. We were in my Toronto house, it was Christmas. I had invited a lot of friends over and a layer of virgin snow lay bare on the ground. We were putting up Christmas lights- the candy colour kind and running around breathing out clouds of frost tinged with excitement and anticipation. I remember he was wearing grey and he came close to me and I knew, at that moment, the feelings were mutual.

I didn't even recall this dream till hours after I woke up. They're usually sandwiched between other random dreams but the fact that there really was no progress is quite frustrating. Not frustrating because it didn't happen but because I don't know how to submit all this to God but control what I feel, particularly dreams that surface out of my unconsciousness. Am I still holding on and not letting go? I don't know. All I do know is that I've never met someone like that before. I think that is why I have such a hard time letting it be.