Everyone I Know Goes Away in the End

Starting with the more trivial stuff because I'm really sleepy and can't really think tonight:

This Osama tape makes me want to stay in Canada and not return to New York. I hope the next attack is not Manhattan again. Why can't Washington accept the truce? Is it more than just civic pride? Someone can enlighten me.

They came up with this new technology that scans your face and maps out all the damage that has occured in coloured dots from sun damage to wrinkles to the amount of bacteria-filled pores you have (gross). It can also calculate your likelihood of skin cancer and the length of time before your skin gets damaged from UV rays again. I think that is so awesome! Hahaha. This will shake the cosmetic industry particularly creams that claim to reverse the effects of anti aging. I think our society today is overplucked, overpeeled, overworked and just overdone. It's really disgusting what technology has done to some. Anyway that'll be available in high end spas and clinics soon for a minimum of $50 a pop.

I was reading the paper last night on this cosmetic surgery article. I can't believe people are giving their loved ones gift certificates to a plastic surgeon. That is so messed up. "I love you so I'm giving you the gift of a new nose!". Christmas time is when cosmetic surgeries are the highest in demand. One woman came in with her boyfriend for breast implants but the surgeon found out it was a supposed 'gift' from the guy. It was obvious she didn't want them and as he pointed out, if the guy dumped her, she'd be left with the pain, the reminder of him, the scars, the physical wounds and the side effects of the surgery.

Oh the power of Parsons. According to one article it says,

'With a Parsons degree in hand, chances are they'll at last get in the door for a meeting. "If a student calls and says she went to Parsons," says Julia Gilhart, vice president of fashion merchandising for Barneys (who launched Proenza Schouler's career when she bought their entire senior thesis collection in 2002), "we'll definitely see her."
Barneys is basically the Holt Renfrew of Canada. So do not underestimate the design world. There are stable jobs. I'm so tired of the typical Chinese thinking that med or law school is the way to go. It makes me so angry. As my mom pointed out the other day when we were having lunch at Maxims "good thing you have a mom who didn't force you to go into science". Yeah good thing.

I've realized that high school has such a great influence on what you do in your future career. For example, UHS is so strong in the arts that I'd naturally explore my creative side and end up in a job dealing with the arts. However my cousin who is one year older than me (who inspired me to take art lessons with her when we were little), attended PCA which has near zero art courses so she ended up at Queens for life sci. Now what if PCA was strong in the arts, perhaps she would have pursued a career in design. Tania is studying environmental studies because of her geography teacher in grade 9. How odd. What powerful influences high school teachers have on their students.

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I hurt myself today to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything...

what have I become? my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down I will make you hurt

You are someone else, I am still right here.

http://www.hit-country-music-lyrics.com/johnnycashhurtlyric.html

This is the only country song I like- no- love. I love this song. I want to learn to play it on the guitar. Okay it's about a heroine addict but it's somewhat relatable in a distorted way. When I'm sad, I listen or sing this to myself (nutcase, yes). But I love the lyrics. It's so expressive and reflective. Wanna hear it? Click on the link above. He can't sing that well but my roommate Liz plays and sings it beautifully.

Today I took another one of my walks down to Mill Pond.. I love my neighbourhood because we have that island/divider in the middle with trees and bushes and we're close to the pond where I can walk down by myself. I took my camera with me but alas, I couldn't find any good photo opportunities. Anyway I was thinking of the person I've become- which is what I still haven't figured out yet but I don't mind the unanswered open question. Perhaps it's better that I haven't come up with some conclusion yet so there's still room to change. Am I pleased with the person I've become? Mmm in a way? I just don't like how shy I am and wish I was more outgoing. I also wish that I wasn't so sensitive. I read into everything especially how people respond to me in person and on msn. I wish I was more compassionate. And as trivial as this seems, I wish I could dress how I want to and not care what everyone thinks of me. But changes can be made to all of the above.

On the subject of change, I was also thinking.... about love (who doesn't?). As a freshmen student, all my old high school friends and I have experienced a drastic change (well at least for me it was drastic) from being dependent to being interdependent (the only thing I rely on my parents now is money.. for the most part anyway).

A friend once mentioned that when we had our huge Christmas gathering, many people had changed over the first semester for better or for worse. She noted that she couldn't stand them and couldn't hang out with them if they didn't change back.

Now I am not accusing her of anything, but it's something I've 'been there and done that'. When I moved back to Toronto, I felt everyone in Hong Kong had moved on without me. Whenever I talk to my old best friend, Debbie, and I see her pictures, I think about how things used to be between us and how much has changed since then yet she still has that same sweet disposition.

Now that everyone has made new friends, old ones may have been neglected. But what I am trying to say is, in the most inarticulate manner, is that know when you truly love someone, is that no matter how much they've changed, you'd accept them for who they are. I find it difficult sometimes to accept the fact that all my friends have made new ones. They will now have their own inside jokes, history, stories and memories and I shall never be a part of that.

And I find that hard to accept.

I found it difficult to let go- to let my friends, especially my best friend, to make new friends. They would not know me in such a way as it was in high school. I'd be known as 'the best friend who went to new york'. In high school I knew my friends' friends and they knew all of mine. I think that is one of the reasons why I can relate to the song above. Sometimes I feel like I'm being left behind while everyone is taking off with their new university lives (ironically considering I'm the only one who really took a plane to another country).

Contrary to what that personality test says about ENFP people, I can be jealous and controlling and have found that I can be quite good at that. Yes that's another thing I am working on.

But take heart, do not give up on old friends so easily. A history has been established: a connection and a tie. As they say, the sweetest friendships are usually the oldest ones (something about new friends are like silver but old friends are like gold)- the ones that have sustained through time and trouble.