Who else looks at lingerie during lectures like I do?

'All my life you made me believe I was only worth when someone would pay for me.

But Christian loves me. He loves me, Harold. He loves me

And that is worth everything.'

I just love how she said it in the movie. It's nothing really that profound but it was so passionate.

So I visited the internship fair. There were a ton of people lining up at the Coach booth. I will probably go to Careers Service to find an internship. I was reading this email and they had internships at Vogue, Christian Louboutin for PR etc. Imagine working at a place my friends like to purchase stuff.. funny. Like Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle. Yeah right. I think I need a portfolio now because everyone was showing work... except I have no work to show from Parsons. -_-.

So I've made my shoe/sandal minus the strap. It can hold my weight with certain pressure and at a certain place. Ohwell. It looks ugly now. I'm disappointed. I probably spent 20 hours on it this weekend and a few days.

I'm so tired these days... I feel so physically and mentally drained from all the work that has been thrust upon us.

I know I can be successful in the industry. My problem is is that I am uncertain and afraid of rejection- just like how I emailed the lady for an internship at the fashion week, not expecting them to email me back- and I freaked out. I lack confidence especially when I haven't had any real 'fashion/retail/design' experience before.
However I don't see why I cannot put volunteer stuff into my resume. It is experience. The christmas masquerade dinner was one of the most challenging things I had executed (well not anymore considering what projects we have in 3D design). The worst part of the job was when karen kept insisting that I take the 'pedestals' off the heads and I did it because I lacked in confidence and was afraid that something would set on fire. I remember becoming extremely angry because that took so much time- to figure out how to stuff and balance these gigantic heads with my mom and dad and buying all this stuff and trying different methods and painting cups and everything. Sigh. I can never stand by my art and fight for what it's worth- unless it's something so beautiful that I could just shut the critics out.

Every conceivable objects of Nature and Art will soon scale off its surface for us. Men will hunt all curious, beautiful grand objects as they hunt cattle in South America, for their skins, and leave the carcasses as of little worth. -Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
I think that's so true concerning the world of design- we create (more like recycle old ideas) something -say some kind of clothes trend- and we extract and drain everything out of it until it is exhausted. And then we gravitate to the next. Some essay I was reading in critical reading and writing, the author said that design has become a marketing tool and the success of marketing is derived from disposability. We create something pleasurable- a lasting impression- and then we tire and seek for something new.

I really like to write... although my grammar sucks and everything. Unlike everyone I know at my school so far, I am the only one who really loves to write. I guess artists like images over words. I found it was so funny today because we were looking at a Victoria Secret ad of this woman bursting out of this pink bra and undies in high heels and talking about the sex appeal it exudes. Hahaha. I think I will never be able to experience life as a normal college student like everyone else (who studies microbiology at lectures). Instead of talking about how these cells do this and whatnot, we talk about analyzing the design of a purse/ipod/razor etc.

True beauty really does thrive under confidence and a healthy self esteem. I struggle and try to find beauty within all the wrong places. I can't help comparing, measuring myself up and it makes me feel good when I think myself more attractive than the person next to me or a friend's friend. I know it's bad but at least I know it. Anyway, I went to Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters today after class because I was so tired and just ended up walking in rounds watching people look at clothes (people watching..). It's as if every woman is looking for the next piece of clothing to make them 'beautiful'. I don't know what I'm driving at. I've realized that if there is no self-love, that we end up looking in all the wrong places: clothes, relationships, exercise to somehow reassure ourselves that we are beautiful. We all, deep down inside of us, know that what makes someone attractive, is their personality and character. But this is one of the hardest things to 'change'/improve and our unwillingness or laziness to do so, makes us fall back to our old habits of finding a quick beauty fix within cosmetics and clothes.
I think I am slowly beginning to understand what it means to love one's self first before loving others. Sorry if this makes no sense because I can't think as well with moulin rouge playing in my head.
I just want to retreat into my own space (impossible) and get away from everyone. Yet I want a connection.