When All is Said and Done, Tears Are All That's Left.

I long for this tranquility.

I'm so empty.
A husk.

I've just lost it. Completely.

Tell me, should a student have to fight for the education she is entitled to if she pays tuition?

You have to understand that our program is hard to manage since we have concentrations in at least two design fields, mine being fashion and sustainability, we have to take classes in different departments to fulfill our degree as well as core classes within our Interdisciplinary program. However the down side of this is that when it comes to course registration commences, which started today for juniors, us IDC students are not a priority within each department for they are more concerned with their own students than they are with us. We're parasites. Every semester, when course registration draws near, there's always some kind of fight for classes.
So yesterday I was rather alarmed since I only had 13/19 credits signed up for since I can't take any of the full fashion courses. After many attempts of getting into two fashion design courses within the graduate program (we are not allowed to take classes with the BFA Fashion kids), my roomie and I got rather desperate and sent out an email to half of the AAS/graduate department. I must admit we were a little harsh and disrespectful but we were really desperate just to hear a response beyond the normal "ask your department" or "sorry we're full- try again next year"

Anyway,the IDC head comes, as well as one of the admin who helps us as well as our teacher and the IDC head starts lecturing us how disrespectful it was, and how we should have talked to her first and not directly to the AAS graduate advisors. Apparently they got offended and took it to the dean to sort out (great). They began to say how we should think of taking an Independent Study class and that we are 'special' and we shouldn't 'settle' for traditional fashion courses- rather we should explore concepts that are beyond just technique and aesthetic value. The independent study course would allow us to create our own curriculum under the counsel of an advisor within our department (who we all think is completely oblivious and ill equipped). My teacher then turns to me as I sit at the back of the studio room, and says, "What do you think of that Samantha in your course scheduling?"

I just turned to look at her, put my head down on the desk and began to weep.

Not tearing, but shaking and sobbing right in front of all my classmates and department heads.

I didn't know what else to do but cry- all the words I tried to say express are just bouncing off walls. I've done all in my power to try and change my curriculum to encompass my two design concentrations but administration is making it so hard. They were tears of frustration, bitterness, anger and disappointment. I just want to graduate. Leave me alone. Don't tell me to do a Masters and take the AAS fashion courses then. I don't want to pay Parsons one more cent than I have to.

I'm just so tired of fighting. Fighting for classes that we should be entitled to- there are only about four of us within an option of five classes. How do they expect us design students to design good products when they can't even design a cohesive program for us? They tell us to be pro active in our courses and majors by trying to get into classes, but we are. And when we go try and talk to someone, they just tell us 'later' or 'sorry', so what can we do other than channel all our disappointment into words of complaint? And then they tell us we complain too much and that we should be more pro active. It's a vicious cycle.



As my two friends argued with the IDC head and the IDC head getting really pissed at us I just sobbed, crying out to God and asking Him why He was making it so difficult for me to get into courses, why it was so hard to try and do good with the education I'm getting and why He was just putting me through this. I'm reading 1 Peter again and finished James- all about enduring the suffering for Christ. But is this the suffering I must endure? Where is the line: when to be strong, take a stance and speak your mind- to fight for an education that we think we should get as students; and when should we just take a backseat and allow the admin to decide what they think we should do or not do? Have I been too aggressive in trying the first, while I should have done the latter? But the latter is so rigid and strict, it defeats the purpose of having a 'multidisciplinary education' if we are just to comply to whatever the admin says.

Eventually my roomie storms out of the room while the IDC advisor pulls me out- a limp, defeated shell of a person, and brings me upstairs to her office to talk. SHe holds me by the shoulders, insisting that I look at her while I was just shaking in tears.

I'm done with talking. I just sat as she told me what I should do instead of those fashion classes. I've chosen to do take the latter option- just let me graduate. I've lost my spirit. I've lost that desire to be creative. I've just lost that will and passion.

A little part of my died today- I just feel dull and physically exhausted.
I've lost that hope that things would get better.
I'm crushed.

God, I asked today that You take control of this whole schedule thing, is this Your way of doing things? Am I really so blind in trying to do things the way I want, that I can't see the bigger picture that Your will entails for me?

God, help me. I'm so tired.