Realize

First of all...
I KNEW IT I should honestly become a trend forecaster- I predicted this a few posts back. And yes, that is a job.
It's in me.
:P
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I'm feeling emo today.
Not in the "I want to die" kind of way.
But the dreamy, romantic sort with my head in the clouds.
Being in love is wonderful-
but love unrequited is painful.
I just read a friend's blog,
it makes me realize how small and fragile our worlds are.
I feel like watching Love Actually.
Christmas makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
I'm going to bake gingerbread men this year.
And perhaps a few suicidal ones to leave around the IDC office- you know-
frosted bandaged hands, noose around the neck, dagger in the stomach. All the things that IDC makes me wanna do.
And I said I wasn't in the "I want to die" state of emo.

He approached me first yesterday.
He approached me first last week too.
I had nothing to say.
Although I had some questions in mind but I forgot them.
Why does my brain always freeze over?
I would be happy to sit in silence.
But silence conveys a sense of awkwardness.
Silence only works in a sort of mutual trust and understanding of each other.
Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in
That song is so sweet.

Yesterday I was different.
I look better with thick, long hair with side swept bangs.
Sudden change is refreshing- slow, gradual change goes unnoticed except to the discerning few.
I wore a wig yesterday- a dark chestnut- similar to my own hair colour- added an extra three and a half inches to my natural length and volume on all sides.
And people asked me if I got a hair cut.

He asked me if I changed my hair.
I told him it was fake (what's the point in layering on the pretence?)
He didn't believe me.
I said I'd pull it off if my hair wasn't so messy underneath.

I shook another guy's hand,
He said "hey good looking,"
Well that's what I think he said because I was a little confused.
Another girl said, "you look really cute today. You should do your hair like that more often."

Yet it's all artifice.
Sometimes we wonder what we'd look like if we looked like a better version of ourselves,
Yet when we reach our ideal state, it seems so unnatural because it's not a part of us.
So, am I supposed to wear this wig every Sunday?
If I grew my hair into that specific style, people wouldn't notice or appreciate it.
People like sudden change- it's refreshing- but gradual change is harder to see and appreciate.
Maybe that's why Hollywood is never satisfied.


I want to tell someone how I feel.
The giddiness and childish emotions that can't really be expressed in words.
She noticed yesterday, how observant she is.
She pulled me aside after the ring was broken, and asked me plainly.
All I could do was smile, and she pestered me for an answer,
I drew my breath and said yes.
She just kept laughing at me.

I want to feel at home here,
For what I thought was home now seems so foreign.
Like cold days and grey skies
Where's the sanctuary I once sought ought on those summer days?
Those friendships I wanted so badly,
have turned sepia.

Summer is long gone now,
November days, long nights.
And the warm smiles disperse as everyone cleaves their own path.
Goodbye CBC,
the more I look at you, the more distant you seem to become.
I've realized I can never have you fully. To know you fully.
For if the church is made up of the body of Christ,
And the body of Christ made up of a community of believers,
A little of you is always missing.
But I'm learning to let go
You can never have it all.


Will you meet me halfway?