Burdens and Questions to Bear
Over dinner my mom asked me what I learned at retreat.
I said, "I don't know."
I wonder how I can make myself more attractive.
No I'm not talking about outer appearances, that's pretty easy, but being content about one's inner self.
I look at other girls at RHCBC and wonder if I had a happier disposition, would I draw people towards me (like Rob or Angie)? Or if I was louder like Roz (okay I can never be that loud)? Or if I participated at more events etc (like Sam on worship team but I was not equipped with a beautiful voice like hers)?
But now it feels like I'm stuck in this rut that I can't get out of.
And then I look at myself and hate what I've become.
'Reflection' from Mulan just popped up on my Itunes- a song I usually pass off as slightly a bit emo- but I just heard it again and burst into tears.
I'm so confused.
I wonder if I initially had come to RHCBC as more of an outgoing, happy, loud person, would life have been different- would I have more 'friends' than I do now. Like Sarah.
I don't know if this Sam was something that I've created or if God designed me to be. For if it was the latter, then I'd have to learn to just accept this self.
I've been thinking about this- this problem I've had for such a long time and wonder what the answer to all this could be. And round and round I go wondering if it's because I'm not involved enough, or if it's me, or if it's others or I'm just making something big out of something that was initially small or if I should just be content with what I have or as they say, think about others and they'll naturally come to you but I've done so but nothing has happened. Have I not tried hard enough then? So should I serve to get to know other people? But I feel so broken. And this is what I mean by a rut. I just don't know where to begin. I'm not doing this for attention, for who wants to suffer this long without strong, godly friendships? I want an answer.
How long will I have to endure this, oh God?
When a man and a woman fall in love (you know what I mean), it's such a miracle. To have two people connect with each other in that deep way- it dazzles me.
When the worship team plays and sings, I can hear the violin in my head playing that sweet soft melody.
I said, "I don't know."
I wonder how I can make myself more attractive.
No I'm not talking about outer appearances, that's pretty easy, but being content about one's inner self.
I look at other girls at RHCBC and wonder if I had a happier disposition, would I draw people towards me (like Rob or Angie)? Or if I was louder like Roz (okay I can never be that loud)? Or if I participated at more events etc (like Sam on worship team but I was not equipped with a beautiful voice like hers)?
But now it feels like I'm stuck in this rut that I can't get out of.
And then I look at myself and hate what I've become.
'Reflection' from Mulan just popped up on my Itunes- a song I usually pass off as slightly a bit emo- but I just heard it again and burst into tears.
I'm so confused.
I wonder if I initially had come to RHCBC as more of an outgoing, happy, loud person, would life have been different- would I have more 'friends' than I do now. Like Sarah.
I don't know if this Sam was something that I've created or if God designed me to be. For if it was the latter, then I'd have to learn to just accept this self.
I've been thinking about this- this problem I've had for such a long time and wonder what the answer to all this could be. And round and round I go wondering if it's because I'm not involved enough, or if it's me, or if it's others or I'm just making something big out of something that was initially small or if I should just be content with what I have or as they say, think about others and they'll naturally come to you but I've done so but nothing has happened. Have I not tried hard enough then? So should I serve to get to know other people? But I feel so broken. And this is what I mean by a rut. I just don't know where to begin. I'm not doing this for attention, for who wants to suffer this long without strong, godly friendships? I want an answer.
How long will I have to endure this, oh God?
When a man and a woman fall in love (you know what I mean), it's such a miracle. To have two people connect with each other in that deep way- it dazzles me.
When the worship team plays and sings, I can hear the violin in my head playing that sweet soft melody.
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