Unprocessed Mess: Jumbled Thoughts, Tangled Memories
Okay so I've been trying to make a comeback with a meaningful post. The entry says it was written on the 15th, when in fact today is the 26th. And hopefully I will actually post this up today. This is just a mish mash of stuff I wrote the past few days in my feeble attempt to write something in depth (fail).
Love the lighting, subject..
Nothing particularly new but revisions, re-edits, retakes. My life seems to go in endless circles. New hair, old hair, new hair.:
Sakura
I said I would discontinue making this due to the sheer amount of time it takes and the lack of... appreciation for the labour intensity.. but I also find making this tart extremely therapeutic when I slice the cherry red slices to reveal the creamy white flesh on the inside.
Mini rose tarts made from spare pear slices and some extra dough I made for the crust. These were given to my manicurist because she asked me to make something for her. I hope she liked them. :S I just dropped them off and ran out since she had a customer.
--------------------------------------------
I haven't had much time to blog.
A lot has happened these past two weeks.
*I got a new apartment. A new home.
Everything about New York feels so temporal.
In a few weeks, my name will cease to exist here. The past three years of history built up in this shoebox apartment will vanish just like that.
*It was my birthday.
God's present to me was securing a lease the day before so I didn't have to worry about it on the 12th. Oh adn the gorgeous weather on my birthday.. really warm with breeze and sunny.. heavenly. I couldn't ask for anything better.
That was rather interesting. I've realized that I don't really need to do anything particularly special because it feels a little out of place. I realized, what I have now, is good enough and nothing amazing really needs to happen. In bullet points:
-brunch with my roommate at Park Cafe Spring
our usual Tuesday gatherings at Zaiya. A bunch of sophomores and I sat in Bryant Park. I had green tea ice cream.
-wandered around with Esther and David.. wandered into a really stuffy Muji.. went home.
-worked on thesis (rah rah)
-went out for dinner at Hakubai where the hostess didn't show up but it was ok. lol.. she took a 'nap' which turned into an eight hour sleep.. fashion student, you know.
-wandered back to k town for koryodang and karaoke.
I got some really special gifts from people as well. I don't intend on placing well wishes and thoughts on a hierarchy but.... I just really loved two things friends got me. One being a handmade piece from my future roommmate's thesis collection of garments. I was so excited when I received it, I wanted to maintain that feeling of excitement and anticipation so I didn't open it until 3am although I already knew what was inside. Sad, I know, but I always do that when I go shopping. lol. Sometimes the feeling of getting something- the sense of something new and fresh, is more exciting than the product itself. Anyway.
Second of all, my roomie gave me the finished sculpture of my head. I know that sounds weird but last year she sculpted my face out of clay but never finished painting and putting hair on it so she finished it and gave it to me as a present! I love it.. I know it sounds narcisstic but I keep staring at it because it's kinda creepy; it's like she decapitated me and placed me in a cardboard box as a taxidermy trophy. lol
Will post up pictures of these very soon.
-----------------------------------------------
Oh God.
I keep saying this, but I think God has really stretched me this past year. I don't think there was any other year that I was so aware of His presence in my life than this year. Perhaps to prep me for the 'real world' who knows?
I've been feeling really needy lately. And I am happy to say this time, not dependent on people, but on God. Life frazzles me and at the end of the day, I actually feel the need to take some time out to read the Bible and pray to calm myself down before I sleep. For me, reading Isaiah about the greatness of God is just soothing to the spirit.
This past Sunday's sermon on favouritism really got to me.
Want to know something weird? I wrote a post on favouritism two weeks ago.. (see previous post) and this week Young addresses favouritism AND the Song of Response was 'Create in Me a Pure Heart': the song and Psalm I wrote about and meditated on two entries back! WEIRD. I was so weirded out.
Often times when we hit this part of James concerning favouritism within the church, we like to say, "Oh I don't do that. I am nice to everyone and get along with everyone." yet we always deviate towards certain people and stay away from others unless, God forbid, we have to talk to them.. and in that case, we act upon our 'Christian charity' to do so. We try to barely just get along, but God calls us to love them.
I am so guilty of this particularly with other girls whom I find threatening. While guys may be threatened by girls they find subjectively pretty and therefore, do not initiate conversation and pass them off as 'stuck up, snobby, cold' as our speaker, Young, was saying: I often pass that kind of judgment with girls whose appearance makes me feel insecure. And because I go to Parsons, there are a ton of girls whom I deem as 'prettier than I' thus I avoid a lot of them. It is not to say that the friends I have now are ones who I think are less attractive: that is clearly not the case because I think all my friends are extremely attractive but there are certain people who really intimidate me so I avoid them.
But God has really been pressing on me this year about my superficial ideas of people by placing them in my life, somehow, and making me realize how my insecurities in my outer appearance is reflecting these illogical perceptions of people.
A friend offhandedly mentioned to me the other day over brunch, that I had body issues. But in my head I ask, "who doesn't?" Tell me, who is truly happy with their appearance as is? My friends, left and right, are on shopping madness these days to adorn their bodies with something new and pretty. They're going to the gym and lifting weights to get toned up and declaring a salad diet. Perhaps this is with all the good intentions of staying healthy but I have a feeling because summer is approaching, this is all coming out of irrational seasonal behaviour.
Friends complain that they're fat and out of shape and I feel the pressure to say the same thing to the point now, I think my perception on my body is a little skewed. While friends comment about how skinny and long I am, I can't seem to see that because I don't trust friends to really say the truth when it comes to a very touchy subject such as this.
So as you can see, my issues with my body intertwines with my way of treating other people. With those people whom I regard as more beautiful, I feel intimidated because of my low self esteem therefore affecting how I treat those people. Not good but at least I've acknowledged it.. er.. publically too.
I don't want to be chastized, thank you very much. I'm just saying it like it is.
But God is slowly changing me in this area. I've realized how warm and wonderfully caring some people are who I never really got to know the past four years at Parsons. And because of my judgments of them in the past, I didn't really get to see them until the end. Too bad but now I know for the future.
-
I've been watching people trickle out of the dorms: parents helping their sophomore kids pack their belongings and embark on the journey home. It makes me sad to see how transient life is. Once the NYU dorms were brimming with people and now they're just empty nests awaiting for the next crop of summer school students to flock in for three months.
Take flight.
This year it's different for I. The melody has changed.
I, for one, am still in New York unlike the past three years where I'd automatically skip back to Canada right after classes end.
Life is so friggin ephemeral.
I said goodbye to a really good friend last week.
I'm sad because she was one person who I could really open up to concerning certain struggles I've been having because we found out, one random day at a french cafe, that we both were going through the same issues.
That day forth, we would meet up once a month for good conversation, six dollar crepes and home-movie watching. She'd come over to my place and we'd watch a bunch of movies I really loved like 2046 and Gladiator, and she introduced me to 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' (dang Clint Eastwood was so good looking: a Jude Law and Wolverine mix! And I loved the way he owned his looks especially the final scene! I think I'll do a collection based on this film now).
I remember, this time last year, I wrote a post concerning another friend who was leaving. And the year before that, another friend.
The melody's the same, the lyrics have changed.
It's funny, that whenever a good friend comes, it goes so quickly.
But I've learned to let go in a sense.
I just remember that I didn't really do anything to make these friendships happen/occur, God just brought them here so He can 'take' them 'away'.
Therefore though my tendency is to 'clique up'- because I've always wanted a family that is bound not by blood, but by something more, I have to constantly remind myself that it's wrong.
--------------------------------------------------
May 26th.
Jay Chou's周杰倫-止戰之殤
seems to sum up my mood right now.
And what is that? Moody.
I haven't had any time to process anything that has been going on.
Since my last pseudo entry, I've attended both graduations: one for my department and one for the entire umbrella of schools. The first was great: sweet and short just like how they should be. The grand one was just a bore. It wasn't intimate, it wasn't personal, it was all just for show.
My family came down. I was reluctant to see them knowing that I would remember how much I missed them after not seeing them for four months. Sometimes I'm reluctant to say 'hello!' because I'm afraid of the 'goodbye'.
It was nice: we stayed at the hilton at penn station and we ate our way through manhattan: indochine, balthazar, matsuri, clinton baking company, cafe sabarsky.
Since I don't have time to process all that happened, I will just highlight some points for my own memory's sake:
1) You know when you're spoiled when what you want is offered to you and instead of gratitude, you think of what more you can get. I'm spoiled, I know. Not many people can live in the heart of Manhattan for four years, not have to worry about getting a job and can focus on school. Not many people can afford to go out to eat like I do or spend money on clothes like I do. I don't buy expensive handbags (frig but that Diesel bag is so tempting) but I have a lot more than I actually need. Yet I've realized that my heart is so discontent with what I've been given, it makes me wonder at what point I can just put down my fork and knife say, "I'm happy."
I'm spoiled I know. Yet I see friends around me clearly spending a lot more money on things and getting away with it and I ask "why can't I drop $800 on a sample sale Miu Miu bag?" and chide myself for wanting things that really don't matter on a grand scheme of things.
My parents are already shelling out money for my graduation present: a trip that will take me from San Francisco to Arizona to Korea to Hong Kong to Japan (er haven't bought tickets yet but that is on my top priority along with finding medical insurance, a new phone plan and company, canceling a gym membership, packing up and moving out).
But I always want more.
Selfish and stupid. When will you ever learn that getting more is not the key to happiness and contentment?
2)3.1 Philip Lim sample sale: it landed on the day my parents were in town, and my mom obligingly came with me... it was a little nerve wracking going up the elevator and then having to press a buzzer to get into the showroom while girls who were coming out with large paper bags of freshly purchased goods stalked around the elevator doors in heels. We were required to check all our stuff in and then were lead to two double large rooms of clothes and accessories.
The point of this highlight is that it was cute. It was cute to shop with my mom at Philip Lim because Philip Lim is very cosmpolitan, city street chic look for the twenty somethings and there was my mom trying to fit in and browse with me. lol. I don't know I just found it really endearing. There weren't any change rooms and most girls were just stripping in a corner to try things on. My mom, who saw a purple jersey top with center pin tucking, that she liked, looked rather uncomfortable having to change in front of all these waif Manhattanites. Earlier she had seen this evening top that she really liked and wanted to wear for my cousin's wedding but realized the top, a size 2, was a little small for her in the shoulders. Anyway, we both ended up getting a top: I with a draped silk top in cream laced with indigo 'tie dye'. I paid with it on my credit card yet thanked her for the purchase while she laughed and said to thank myself because technically it was under my name. Sometimes it just seems more special when I get my mom's approval to buy something rather than when I live alone and can get what I please (with limits of course).
But honestly, I got the shopping gene from my dad. Whenever he goes into a store, he buys something although he insists that he doesn't need to get anything. Two Ben Sherman ties, photography accessories, the new Ishuffle.... lol. I'm thoroughly amused by my dad at times. He orders ice tea here at restaurants while I regard ordering anything other than tap water, a luxury.
3) Shopping with my mom for her wedding outfit this June.
When she got off the plane she was like "I need to get something for Melissa's wedding. Can we go to J Crew? Michelle Obama is wearing a lot of it and making it really popular and I like their stuff. Since you're in fashion you can help me pick out an outfit for me. The clothes at Talbots are really ugly these days."
Well, the first time at J Crew was unsuccessful. She saw a lot of things that she liked but not wedding worthy (apparently our cousin's wedding is going to be really lavish?) But on the last day, we decided to go in again and we were successful: a peach silk top with slight flower details, layered on top with a semi-sheer stiff organza suit jacket in a salmon pink matched with a khaki colour pencil skirt. Dust it with a strand of pearls and gold shoes, I think it would look so good.
It was a challenge to dress someone considerably older and shorter.... for there are very few stores that design for this age range but I'm happy with the results. lololol.
I think one things that gets me is how my mom will never spend a lot of money to get herself clothes from say, J Crew. Although she would finger many an item wistfully, from cashmere cardigans to blouses to a simple cotton t shirt, whenever I told her to try it on, she would say no because it was too expensive or too fancy for her to wear every day.
I don't know why it gets to me. Perhaps it's the idea that she is willing to sacrifice looking good so that perhaps our family can have that extra money to spend on other dumb things like.. more clothes, electronics and games. Or perhaps it's the idea that when I see her, I become ashamed of how materialistic I have become and how caught up I am with my appearance when she is not.
But it was nice to watch my mom try on different clothes as I went around the store acting like her personal shopper. She'd look at the jewelry and admire at how the clothes would look so pretty on the mannequin, yet, she laments, will never look good on her. She approaches fashion, in a totally different way: with a little fear and intimidation and meekness.
Yet I, the one who is supposed to know what looks good on what kind of body shape, is somewhat imprisoned in this state of mind that if I don't look like 'this', it's not beautiful.
4) We went to see the Blue Man Group. My aunt knows the producers so we got amazing seats. Funnily enough, my high school was also in NY at that time.. and it just so happened they were lining up right in front of us. My bro recognized one of the faculty members and my dad, the extrovert he is, decided to go up to the students and ask if they were from my high school. lol. No one knows me because I graduated four years ago. Even the main art teacher has changed. Anyways, the Blue Man Group was so good! So funny, so impressive with the simplistic tricks done well.
Yesterday, the Day Before Yesterday.
Oh randomness. So four of us decided to be cheap for dinner and make it ourselves. So we went to Trader Joe's and got ingredients for burgers and I acted as sous chef to David, king of the kitchen. We made our own patties, fried our own onions, served them up on brioche buns with a sides of spinach and mushroom. The other two mouths that were fed, were appointed the dishwashers.
We then proceeded to watch the Grudge 2 (I already had not watched the first) and kinda psyched ourselves scared silly that I made Nicole stay over... not before they got Artichoke pizza. The day after, we met up again on Park Ave where the boys made a hearty breakfast of omelette and pan fried bread. Yum yum. I love pancetta.
It was a gorgeous day so we wandered.. to stuy town... to usq... asking the main question of "what shall we do today?" which never got resolved. We ended up at St Alps for bubble tea and then we all split up to do our own dinner dates. Four of went to the Ralph Lauren sale and then to shabu shabu in Chinatown. Came back up, met up with everyone again and hung out at USQ before coming back to my place to watch Benjamin Button.
I saw him again. I hadn't seen him since October-
partially because I'm done with being hung up on people and emotional drama.
I don't understand- he seems to be hiding something- yet what is there to hide when we're all just friends?
If someone asks, is there shame to say "yes there is someone special in my life"?
Why the secrecy, the hidden smiles that just say it all?
Why is it that when asked "Are you two....?"
I am the one saying "No we're just friends."?
I will just blow this off as me being over analytical.
Why does this even bother me anyway.
I've moved on. Am moving on. Will move on.
On the move. Moving on from people, moving house. Moving on with life. Whatever that means.
Summer. Means summer love.
Yet I've seen enough shortlived relationships that blossom over the heat of the season, that fade out quickly once autumn settles in.
Today I just witnessed the awkward beginnings of three relationships.
Here we go again, life in circles.
Love the lighting, subject..
Nothing particularly new but revisions, re-edits, retakes. My life seems to go in endless circles. New hair, old hair, new hair.:
Sakura
I said I would discontinue making this due to the sheer amount of time it takes and the lack of... appreciation for the labour intensity.. but I also find making this tart extremely therapeutic when I slice the cherry red slices to reveal the creamy white flesh on the inside.
Mini rose tarts made from spare pear slices and some extra dough I made for the crust. These were given to my manicurist because she asked me to make something for her. I hope she liked them. :S I just dropped them off and ran out since she had a customer.
--------------------------------------------
I haven't had much time to blog.
A lot has happened these past two weeks.
*I got a new apartment. A new home.
Everything about New York feels so temporal.
In a few weeks, my name will cease to exist here. The past three years of history built up in this shoebox apartment will vanish just like that.
*It was my birthday.
God's present to me was securing a lease the day before so I didn't have to worry about it on the 12th. Oh adn the gorgeous weather on my birthday.. really warm with breeze and sunny.. heavenly. I couldn't ask for anything better.
That was rather interesting. I've realized that I don't really need to do anything particularly special because it feels a little out of place. I realized, what I have now, is good enough and nothing amazing really needs to happen. In bullet points:
-brunch with my roommate at Park Cafe Spring
our usual Tuesday gatherings at Zaiya. A bunch of sophomores and I sat in Bryant Park. I had green tea ice cream.
-wandered around with Esther and David.. wandered into a really stuffy Muji.. went home.
-worked on thesis (rah rah)
-went out for dinner at Hakubai where the hostess didn't show up but it was ok. lol.. she took a 'nap' which turned into an eight hour sleep.. fashion student, you know.
-wandered back to k town for koryodang and karaoke.
I got some really special gifts from people as well. I don't intend on placing well wishes and thoughts on a hierarchy but.... I just really loved two things friends got me. One being a handmade piece from my future roommmate's thesis collection of garments. I was so excited when I received it, I wanted to maintain that feeling of excitement and anticipation so I didn't open it until 3am although I already knew what was inside. Sad, I know, but I always do that when I go shopping. lol. Sometimes the feeling of getting something- the sense of something new and fresh, is more exciting than the product itself. Anyway.
Second of all, my roomie gave me the finished sculpture of my head. I know that sounds weird but last year she sculpted my face out of clay but never finished painting and putting hair on it so she finished it and gave it to me as a present! I love it.. I know it sounds narcisstic but I keep staring at it because it's kinda creepy; it's like she decapitated me and placed me in a cardboard box as a taxidermy trophy. lol
Will post up pictures of these very soon.
-----------------------------------------------
Oh God.
I keep saying this, but I think God has really stretched me this past year. I don't think there was any other year that I was so aware of His presence in my life than this year. Perhaps to prep me for the 'real world' who knows?
I've been feeling really needy lately. And I am happy to say this time, not dependent on people, but on God. Life frazzles me and at the end of the day, I actually feel the need to take some time out to read the Bible and pray to calm myself down before I sleep. For me, reading Isaiah about the greatness of God is just soothing to the spirit.
This past Sunday's sermon on favouritism really got to me.
Want to know something weird? I wrote a post on favouritism two weeks ago.. (see previous post) and this week Young addresses favouritism AND the Song of Response was 'Create in Me a Pure Heart': the song and Psalm I wrote about and meditated on two entries back! WEIRD. I was so weirded out.
Often times when we hit this part of James concerning favouritism within the church, we like to say, "Oh I don't do that. I am nice to everyone and get along with everyone." yet we always deviate towards certain people and stay away from others unless, God forbid, we have to talk to them.. and in that case, we act upon our 'Christian charity' to do so. We try to barely just get along, but God calls us to love them.
I am so guilty of this particularly with other girls whom I find threatening. While guys may be threatened by girls they find subjectively pretty and therefore, do not initiate conversation and pass them off as 'stuck up, snobby, cold' as our speaker, Young, was saying: I often pass that kind of judgment with girls whose appearance makes me feel insecure. And because I go to Parsons, there are a ton of girls whom I deem as 'prettier than I' thus I avoid a lot of them. It is not to say that the friends I have now are ones who I think are less attractive: that is clearly not the case because I think all my friends are extremely attractive but there are certain people who really intimidate me so I avoid them.
But God has really been pressing on me this year about my superficial ideas of people by placing them in my life, somehow, and making me realize how my insecurities in my outer appearance is reflecting these illogical perceptions of people.
A friend offhandedly mentioned to me the other day over brunch, that I had body issues. But in my head I ask, "who doesn't?" Tell me, who is truly happy with their appearance as is? My friends, left and right, are on shopping madness these days to adorn their bodies with something new and pretty. They're going to the gym and lifting weights to get toned up and declaring a salad diet. Perhaps this is with all the good intentions of staying healthy but I have a feeling because summer is approaching, this is all coming out of irrational seasonal behaviour.
Friends complain that they're fat and out of shape and I feel the pressure to say the same thing to the point now, I think my perception on my body is a little skewed. While friends comment about how skinny and long I am, I can't seem to see that because I don't trust friends to really say the truth when it comes to a very touchy subject such as this.
So as you can see, my issues with my body intertwines with my way of treating other people. With those people whom I regard as more beautiful, I feel intimidated because of my low self esteem therefore affecting how I treat those people. Not good but at least I've acknowledged it.. er.. publically too.
I don't want to be chastized, thank you very much. I'm just saying it like it is.
But God is slowly changing me in this area. I've realized how warm and wonderfully caring some people are who I never really got to know the past four years at Parsons. And because of my judgments of them in the past, I didn't really get to see them until the end. Too bad but now I know for the future.
-
I've been watching people trickle out of the dorms: parents helping their sophomore kids pack their belongings and embark on the journey home. It makes me sad to see how transient life is. Once the NYU dorms were brimming with people and now they're just empty nests awaiting for the next crop of summer school students to flock in for three months.
Take flight.
This year it's different for I. The melody has changed.
I, for one, am still in New York unlike the past three years where I'd automatically skip back to Canada right after classes end.
Life is so friggin ephemeral.
I said goodbye to a really good friend last week.
I'm sad because she was one person who I could really open up to concerning certain struggles I've been having because we found out, one random day at a french cafe, that we both were going through the same issues.
That day forth, we would meet up once a month for good conversation, six dollar crepes and home-movie watching. She'd come over to my place and we'd watch a bunch of movies I really loved like 2046 and Gladiator, and she introduced me to 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' (dang Clint Eastwood was so good looking: a Jude Law and Wolverine mix! And I loved the way he owned his looks especially the final scene! I think I'll do a collection based on this film now).
I remember, this time last year, I wrote a post concerning another friend who was leaving. And the year before that, another friend.
The melody's the same, the lyrics have changed.
It's funny, that whenever a good friend comes, it goes so quickly.
But I've learned to let go in a sense.
I just remember that I didn't really do anything to make these friendships happen/occur, God just brought them here so He can 'take' them 'away'.
Therefore though my tendency is to 'clique up'- because I've always wanted a family that is bound not by blood, but by something more, I have to constantly remind myself that it's wrong.
--------------------------------------------------
May 26th.
Jay Chou's周杰倫-止戰之殤
seems to sum up my mood right now.
And what is that? Moody.
I haven't had any time to process anything that has been going on.
Since my last pseudo entry, I've attended both graduations: one for my department and one for the entire umbrella of schools. The first was great: sweet and short just like how they should be. The grand one was just a bore. It wasn't intimate, it wasn't personal, it was all just for show.
My family came down. I was reluctant to see them knowing that I would remember how much I missed them after not seeing them for four months. Sometimes I'm reluctant to say 'hello!' because I'm afraid of the 'goodbye'.
It was nice: we stayed at the hilton at penn station and we ate our way through manhattan: indochine, balthazar, matsuri, clinton baking company, cafe sabarsky.
Since I don't have time to process all that happened, I will just highlight some points for my own memory's sake:
1) You know when you're spoiled when what you want is offered to you and instead of gratitude, you think of what more you can get. I'm spoiled, I know. Not many people can live in the heart of Manhattan for four years, not have to worry about getting a job and can focus on school. Not many people can afford to go out to eat like I do or spend money on clothes like I do. I don't buy expensive handbags (frig but that Diesel bag is so tempting) but I have a lot more than I actually need. Yet I've realized that my heart is so discontent with what I've been given, it makes me wonder at what point I can just put down my fork and knife say, "I'm happy."
I'm spoiled I know. Yet I see friends around me clearly spending a lot more money on things and getting away with it and I ask "why can't I drop $800 on a sample sale Miu Miu bag?" and chide myself for wanting things that really don't matter on a grand scheme of things.
My parents are already shelling out money for my graduation present: a trip that will take me from San Francisco to Arizona to Korea to Hong Kong to Japan (er haven't bought tickets yet but that is on my top priority along with finding medical insurance, a new phone plan and company, canceling a gym membership, packing up and moving out).
But I always want more.
Selfish and stupid. When will you ever learn that getting more is not the key to happiness and contentment?
2)3.1 Philip Lim sample sale: it landed on the day my parents were in town, and my mom obligingly came with me... it was a little nerve wracking going up the elevator and then having to press a buzzer to get into the showroom while girls who were coming out with large paper bags of freshly purchased goods stalked around the elevator doors in heels. We were required to check all our stuff in and then were lead to two double large rooms of clothes and accessories.
The point of this highlight is that it was cute. It was cute to shop with my mom at Philip Lim because Philip Lim is very cosmpolitan, city street chic look for the twenty somethings and there was my mom trying to fit in and browse with me. lol. I don't know I just found it really endearing. There weren't any change rooms and most girls were just stripping in a corner to try things on. My mom, who saw a purple jersey top with center pin tucking, that she liked, looked rather uncomfortable having to change in front of all these waif Manhattanites. Earlier she had seen this evening top that she really liked and wanted to wear for my cousin's wedding but realized the top, a size 2, was a little small for her in the shoulders. Anyway, we both ended up getting a top: I with a draped silk top in cream laced with indigo 'tie dye'. I paid with it on my credit card yet thanked her for the purchase while she laughed and said to thank myself because technically it was under my name. Sometimes it just seems more special when I get my mom's approval to buy something rather than when I live alone and can get what I please (with limits of course).
But honestly, I got the shopping gene from my dad. Whenever he goes into a store, he buys something although he insists that he doesn't need to get anything. Two Ben Sherman ties, photography accessories, the new Ishuffle.... lol. I'm thoroughly amused by my dad at times. He orders ice tea here at restaurants while I regard ordering anything other than tap water, a luxury.
3) Shopping with my mom for her wedding outfit this June.
When she got off the plane she was like "I need to get something for Melissa's wedding. Can we go to J Crew? Michelle Obama is wearing a lot of it and making it really popular and I like their stuff. Since you're in fashion you can help me pick out an outfit for me. The clothes at Talbots are really ugly these days."
Well, the first time at J Crew was unsuccessful. She saw a lot of things that she liked but not wedding worthy (apparently our cousin's wedding is going to be really lavish?) But on the last day, we decided to go in again and we were successful: a peach silk top with slight flower details, layered on top with a semi-sheer stiff organza suit jacket in a salmon pink matched with a khaki colour pencil skirt. Dust it with a strand of pearls and gold shoes, I think it would look so good.
It was a challenge to dress someone considerably older and shorter.... for there are very few stores that design for this age range but I'm happy with the results. lololol.
I think one things that gets me is how my mom will never spend a lot of money to get herself clothes from say, J Crew. Although she would finger many an item wistfully, from cashmere cardigans to blouses to a simple cotton t shirt, whenever I told her to try it on, she would say no because it was too expensive or too fancy for her to wear every day.
I don't know why it gets to me. Perhaps it's the idea that she is willing to sacrifice looking good so that perhaps our family can have that extra money to spend on other dumb things like.. more clothes, electronics and games. Or perhaps it's the idea that when I see her, I become ashamed of how materialistic I have become and how caught up I am with my appearance when she is not.
But it was nice to watch my mom try on different clothes as I went around the store acting like her personal shopper. She'd look at the jewelry and admire at how the clothes would look so pretty on the mannequin, yet, she laments, will never look good on her. She approaches fashion, in a totally different way: with a little fear and intimidation and meekness.
Yet I, the one who is supposed to know what looks good on what kind of body shape, is somewhat imprisoned in this state of mind that if I don't look like 'this', it's not beautiful.
4) We went to see the Blue Man Group. My aunt knows the producers so we got amazing seats. Funnily enough, my high school was also in NY at that time.. and it just so happened they were lining up right in front of us. My bro recognized one of the faculty members and my dad, the extrovert he is, decided to go up to the students and ask if they were from my high school. lol. No one knows me because I graduated four years ago. Even the main art teacher has changed. Anyways, the Blue Man Group was so good! So funny, so impressive with the simplistic tricks done well.
Yesterday, the Day Before Yesterday.
Oh randomness. So four of us decided to be cheap for dinner and make it ourselves. So we went to Trader Joe's and got ingredients for burgers and I acted as sous chef to David, king of the kitchen. We made our own patties, fried our own onions, served them up on brioche buns with a sides of spinach and mushroom. The other two mouths that were fed, were appointed the dishwashers.
We then proceeded to watch the Grudge 2 (I already had not watched the first) and kinda psyched ourselves scared silly that I made Nicole stay over... not before they got Artichoke pizza. The day after, we met up again on Park Ave where the boys made a hearty breakfast of omelette and pan fried bread. Yum yum. I love pancetta.
It was a gorgeous day so we wandered.. to stuy town... to usq... asking the main question of "what shall we do today?" which never got resolved. We ended up at St Alps for bubble tea and then we all split up to do our own dinner dates. Four of went to the Ralph Lauren sale and then to shabu shabu in Chinatown. Came back up, met up with everyone again and hung out at USQ before coming back to my place to watch Benjamin Button.
I saw him again. I hadn't seen him since October-
partially because I'm done with being hung up on people and emotional drama.
I don't understand- he seems to be hiding something- yet what is there to hide when we're all just friends?
If someone asks, is there shame to say "yes there is someone special in my life"?
Why the secrecy, the hidden smiles that just say it all?
Why is it that when asked "Are you two....?"
I am the one saying "No we're just friends."?
I will just blow this off as me being over analytical.
Why does this even bother me anyway.
I've moved on. Am moving on. Will move on.
On the move. Moving on from people, moving house. Moving on with life. Whatever that means.
Summer. Means summer love.
Yet I've seen enough shortlived relationships that blossom over the heat of the season, that fade out quickly once autumn settles in.
Today I just witnessed the awkward beginnings of three relationships.
Here we go again, life in circles.
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