The Ugly Side of Me// The Fluidity of Being in Change
I don't know why, but it's the people I love most who are the ones who bring out the most hateful side of me.
I dislike them as much as I am fond of them.
Today we had a family dinner and I was helping 'gap sung' for my relatives and they praised me for being so good and helpful.
Friends and acquaintances have told me how caring, kind, friendly and considerate I am, yet I feel like there's this ugly side that only few people see that completely contrasts from what they describe me to be.
I feel very ugly- inside and out.
*
Once someone told me that in university, you see how people change because they're placed in a different environment and it's sad to see friends spiral out of control with drinking and parties.
For me, having already been in different environments, I guess you can say, my sense of 'self' is already in tact. I already know how I will respond in different social situations and how I will react in an alien environment so university was not much of a change in terms of my 'search for my self'. I've never really believed the whole saying that you find out who you really are in university. I think that's absolutely false because school and independence do not tell and define who you are. They can shape you but cannot give you the final results to your character.
Yet I have changed- changed both in certain ways of thinking and interests.
All I can say about my philosophy in life and ways of thinking is: Henry Cloud.
I'm looking forward to retreat- still a little wary as I have always been- but retreat is something I have to go to. Ever since my breakdown last year, I need to revisit the place I first confided in a bunch of strangers about all that I was going through which I had never truly accepted and realized until then. Looking back, I know I've changed in terms of interacting with people and keeping a positive outlook on things. I think by visiting the same place where I marked as a starting point, it'll bring me full circle and let me re evaluate where I am today to where I was exactly a year ago.
Pain is memorable. What can I say? I'll just quote Burke: pain is greater than pleasure that even the lover after losing his loved one, will lament the loss more than immersing himself in the pleasurable memories of the past.
You know I find this interesting. My best friend and I have been going through a lot of difficulty the past year because we're so different it's really driving us apart more than it is bringing us closer. While she has lived in Canada all her life, she feels pride in her country thus feels like it is her duty to care for it. She loves the Raptors- if you say anything bad about them- she will fight you to the death until you agree with her. She is so passionate about basketball, that it consumes her waking hours. Her field of study is environmental studies which stresses on longevity, reducing waste, life, sustainability. It seems like everything that she loves has to do with length- loyalty to one basketball team and to one country; studying sustainable ecosystems.
She is like wood- solid, stable and 'everlasting'.
I, on the other hand, don't really have a sense of national pride- because how can one have pride for their homeland if they can't really call it home? Sure, I will yell out "I'm Canadian!" in the States but I feel a sense of pride when I say I'm a dual citizen- American by birth, Canadian by passport, Chinese by nationality. I won't deny it: I love being all three because it allows me to draw out different things from each culture and country that I like and make it into something of my own. I dont feel like I owe anything to Canada, unlike my best friend, and yet I see this is precisely where our environmental crisis is coming in- none of us feel like we're 'owe' anything to our homeland, thus all we do is take and give back little. New York is a transition city- you try to score big money, and then leave to spend it elsewhere in some big mansion in Suburbia.
I don't hate America. I love Canada. I dislike how little design there is in Toronto. I dislike how many Americans are very ignorant (for example, I asked my Environmental Sci friend why she was a vegetarian yet eats fish, she told me because "eating fish doesn't destroy/jeopardize." I said to her "Ever heard of overfishing???" -_-).
In terms of interests, I'm open to many. I go through a lot of phases- becoming totally obsessed with one thing for a while and then bouncing to the next.
Suddenly right now, I'm warming up to Hello Kitty despite hating it as a kid since everyone liked it. I've become really into j-dramas (though that has stopped for a while due to lack of time) and Mandarin/Japanese music. I no longer hang out at caucasian malls- people in FMP are starting to recognize me and ask me why they see me twice a week there. I love Pacific Mall- I would work there if my Canto was up to par because I've noticed the clothing there. It's the total opposite of American Eagle- ecclectic, funky, weird and random- just how I like it. I'm consuming so much bubble tea and Chinese desserts- my parents are a little worried because I like it THAT much.
I don't think people understand how I 'operate'. I grew up having to learn to adapt to new social settings extremely quickly after having to live in different countries and swapping churches so many times. My ability to be comfortable relies most on speed which is why I'm very much a fast paced person. In terms of interests, my phases will last for a period of time, and will die down. It's like how I can listen to a new song a hundred times straight and not get sick of it. I'm not going to turn into a fob- I will pick up some of it, but I'm not going to dye my hair milk tea colour despite the very attractive name, I'm not going to start talking loudly in Canto, karaoke, and I will not dress full fob- whatever that looks like. I will be me with hints of the culture.
I choose not to be labeled. I hate being labeled and pigeon holed into some stereotype thus I dabble in different (legal) things and tailor it to my own tastes. It's interesting to see how OTHERS perceive my interests: Today I was at Pacific mall with a few friends and one person was trying to convince the other that despite how I say I am not a fob, he was trying to persuade our friend that I in fact, dress like a fob because I dress differently (although he made it sound like I was trying hard not to look fobby... I just didn't bother arguing because it's like talking to a brick wall). When I got home, my family comes over and knowing that it's been a week since I've returned from Paris, first exclaims how "parisian" I look with such a "french outfit."
When in fact, I got the dress for $6 at a thrift store here in Toronto. There was nothing Parisian or Fob about it- it was just these ideas and assumptions people had about me that they just slapped on.
I don't mean it in a snobby way- I just don't have that loyalty in me like my best friend. I can't defend any country- Canada, USA or China. Like fashion, my turnover rate in interests is very quick. One day I'm obsessed with Marie Antoinette and the next, you'll find me pouring over antique kimonos.
But that's just me. I pride myself in being very fluid. As my roommate said, I am very much like water. Having moved many times, my interests in everything and my education in fashion, have all come together to basically create the person I am today. No- it has not created me, but just affected and influenced; for who I am in essence is not what changing interests I have but that in Christ.
I dislike them as much as I am fond of them.
Today we had a family dinner and I was helping 'gap sung' for my relatives and they praised me for being so good and helpful.
Friends and acquaintances have told me how caring, kind, friendly and considerate I am, yet I feel like there's this ugly side that only few people see that completely contrasts from what they describe me to be.
I feel very ugly- inside and out.
*
Once someone told me that in university, you see how people change because they're placed in a different environment and it's sad to see friends spiral out of control with drinking and parties.
For me, having already been in different environments, I guess you can say, my sense of 'self' is already in tact. I already know how I will respond in different social situations and how I will react in an alien environment so university was not much of a change in terms of my 'search for my self'. I've never really believed the whole saying that you find out who you really are in university. I think that's absolutely false because school and independence do not tell and define who you are. They can shape you but cannot give you the final results to your character.
Yet I have changed- changed both in certain ways of thinking and interests.
All I can say about my philosophy in life and ways of thinking is: Henry Cloud.
I'm looking forward to retreat- still a little wary as I have always been- but retreat is something I have to go to. Ever since my breakdown last year, I need to revisit the place I first confided in a bunch of strangers about all that I was going through which I had never truly accepted and realized until then. Looking back, I know I've changed in terms of interacting with people and keeping a positive outlook on things. I think by visiting the same place where I marked as a starting point, it'll bring me full circle and let me re evaluate where I am today to where I was exactly a year ago.
Pain is memorable. What can I say? I'll just quote Burke: pain is greater than pleasure that even the lover after losing his loved one, will lament the loss more than immersing himself in the pleasurable memories of the past.
You know I find this interesting. My best friend and I have been going through a lot of difficulty the past year because we're so different it's really driving us apart more than it is bringing us closer. While she has lived in Canada all her life, she feels pride in her country thus feels like it is her duty to care for it. She loves the Raptors- if you say anything bad about them- she will fight you to the death until you agree with her. She is so passionate about basketball, that it consumes her waking hours. Her field of study is environmental studies which stresses on longevity, reducing waste, life, sustainability. It seems like everything that she loves has to do with length- loyalty to one basketball team and to one country; studying sustainable ecosystems.
She is like wood- solid, stable and 'everlasting'.
I, on the other hand, don't really have a sense of national pride- because how can one have pride for their homeland if they can't really call it home? Sure, I will yell out "I'm Canadian!" in the States but I feel a sense of pride when I say I'm a dual citizen- American by birth, Canadian by passport, Chinese by nationality. I won't deny it: I love being all three because it allows me to draw out different things from each culture and country that I like and make it into something of my own. I dont feel like I owe anything to Canada, unlike my best friend, and yet I see this is precisely where our environmental crisis is coming in- none of us feel like we're 'owe' anything to our homeland, thus all we do is take and give back little. New York is a transition city- you try to score big money, and then leave to spend it elsewhere in some big mansion in Suburbia.
I don't hate America. I love Canada. I dislike how little design there is in Toronto. I dislike how many Americans are very ignorant (for example, I asked my Environmental Sci friend why she was a vegetarian yet eats fish, she told me because "eating fish doesn't destroy/jeopardize." I said to her "Ever heard of overfishing???" -_-).
In terms of interests, I'm open to many. I go through a lot of phases- becoming totally obsessed with one thing for a while and then bouncing to the next.
Suddenly right now, I'm warming up to Hello Kitty despite hating it as a kid since everyone liked it. I've become really into j-dramas (though that has stopped for a while due to lack of time) and Mandarin/Japanese music. I no longer hang out at caucasian malls- people in FMP are starting to recognize me and ask me why they see me twice a week there. I love Pacific Mall- I would work there if my Canto was up to par because I've noticed the clothing there. It's the total opposite of American Eagle- ecclectic, funky, weird and random- just how I like it. I'm consuming so much bubble tea and Chinese desserts- my parents are a little worried because I like it THAT much.
I don't think people understand how I 'operate'. I grew up having to learn to adapt to new social settings extremely quickly after having to live in different countries and swapping churches so many times. My ability to be comfortable relies most on speed which is why I'm very much a fast paced person. In terms of interests, my phases will last for a period of time, and will die down. It's like how I can listen to a new song a hundred times straight and not get sick of it. I'm not going to turn into a fob- I will pick up some of it, but I'm not going to dye my hair milk tea colour despite the very attractive name, I'm not going to start talking loudly in Canto, karaoke, and I will not dress full fob- whatever that looks like. I will be me with hints of the culture.
I choose not to be labeled. I hate being labeled and pigeon holed into some stereotype thus I dabble in different (legal) things and tailor it to my own tastes. It's interesting to see how OTHERS perceive my interests: Today I was at Pacific mall with a few friends and one person was trying to convince the other that despite how I say I am not a fob, he was trying to persuade our friend that I in fact, dress like a fob because I dress differently (although he made it sound like I was trying hard not to look fobby... I just didn't bother arguing because it's like talking to a brick wall). When I got home, my family comes over and knowing that it's been a week since I've returned from Paris, first exclaims how "parisian" I look with such a "french outfit."
When in fact, I got the dress for $6 at a thrift store here in Toronto. There was nothing Parisian or Fob about it- it was just these ideas and assumptions people had about me that they just slapped on.
I don't mean it in a snobby way- I just don't have that loyalty in me like my best friend. I can't defend any country- Canada, USA or China. Like fashion, my turnover rate in interests is very quick. One day I'm obsessed with Marie Antoinette and the next, you'll find me pouring over antique kimonos.
But that's just me. I pride myself in being very fluid. As my roommate said, I am very much like water. Having moved many times, my interests in everything and my education in fashion, have all come together to basically create the person I am today. No- it has not created me, but just affected and influenced; for who I am in essence is not what changing interests I have but that in Christ.
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